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“I DON’T.” THE DWARF closes his eyes and I want to poke him or punch him. Why doesn’t he feel sorry for me? I do. Something amazing has happened: Archer is alive, but I cannot even get my head around it because something terrible has happened. I’ve killed someone, someone who didn’t deserve to die. Someone who was on our side. Someone who rescued Everleigh.
I feel sick.
I feel sorry for myself. Stupid dwarf.
I watch Everleigh and Archer walk away, fingers entangled, heads together and I want to throw something at them. I feel so far removed from everything.
I thought something was wrong with Archer and that’s why we came to the castle. I didn’t want to get involved in a battle between brother and sister, a battle for a crown I care nothing about.
I want to hunt and sleep and eat. That’s what I do.
But here I am and even the dwarf doesn’t feel sorry for me.
“You should feel sorry for me.”
“You are a contrary little thing, aren’t you?”
I scowl at him, sending pure hate at him. Then I close my eyes and lay down on the grass. It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. It’s always my fault. Everything. I always mess things up.
“To clarify, I don’t feel sorry for you, because nothing you have done invokes pity. I think you are a strong woman, obviously able to protect herself, to kill if necessary. Why would I feel sorry for you? I’m actually pretty impressed by you.”
I open my eyes and lift myself up on my elbows. “Really?”
“Really. But you don’t need to sound surprised or root around for compliments. I can’t imagine that’s something you usually do.”
“I’ve spent so long feeling sure that people hate me or fear me because of my...I’ve got a mark on my face, under this mask. The devil’s mark, though that’s utter tripe. I tell myself I don’t care what people think, what people say. But I do. Especially Archer. He’s my best friend. And Everleigh. I don’t know her very well, but already I want to serve her, protect her.”
“Strange that, isn’t it? She makes me feel the same way. I knew she would be Queen when I met her, because of that very feeling. As for you, I can imagine it’s been a hard road. You seem to cope very well, though. You have made friends, alliances, a way for yourself.”
I pause and mull over his words. He’s right. Despite my mark and what most people think of me because of it, I have made a way for myself. I am a fighter, a battler, someone who helps those who need it most.
“You could have hidden away from the world, blamed your mark and lived a life of solitude. And yet here you are. Brett wasn’t a good man, not that I’m saying he deserved to die, but he had lived a life full of bad choices. He would hurt others indiscriminately, he would revel in the upset of others, he wasn’t a nice chap. He changed his tune towards the end and he did rescue Everleigh, but there’s no way you could have known that. Everleigh, when she is Queen, needs an army willing to die for her to live. She needs people like you. People who will do anything to keep her safe. She might not see it now, but you will be one of her biggest defenders. And not because you’re in love with her, like your friend Archer. Love can blind someone to faults.”
I feel better.
I could listen to this man all day long.
“You have battle in your blood, I can see it and feel it. You are loyal to a fault and stronger than you could ever know. One innocent man dead for the safety of the Queen. Is it worth it, is she?”
I close my eyes again. I haven’t ever thought of myself the way this man has described me. Loyal, a fighter, a battler. And yet I do battle. I battle people who love me sometimes. I am so used to rejection, to being turned away. I guess I’m always looking for trouble. Or making it first. But I can be good, do good.
I sit up and smile at him. “Thank you.”
“See why I don’t feel sorry for you? You have done well and Everleigh and Archer will realise that soon enough. You defended your Queen, which is exactly why you’re here, isn’t it?”
A little bit of peace comes over me and the snakes in my stomach and heart settle down. Maybe I’m not an evil person after all.
“In a battle, in a war, you cannot take the time to ask questions of the enemy, perceived or actual. To do so would mean certain death for you. You must be strong, resolute, sure of yourself. I think you’ll make a very good Queen’s man. Woman.”
I grin. I don’t mind being called a Queen’s man. It’s what I feel like.
I stick out my hand and he offers me his and I shake it. After seeing Archer again after believing he was dead but then realising that Brett had been on our side, I thought I would never smile again. Archer is so cross with me, Everleigh is so cross with me.
This man has changed that. “Thank you for saving Archer.”
“You’re welcome. I like looking after people, saving them, with words or potions. I am a healer, I suppose.”
I think about his words, how he saves people with words. Is that what he’s done for me? This teacher.
“What’s your real name, teacher?”
“Why? Curious girl.”
“I feel stupid calling you teacher, that’s why.”
“Fair enough. My mother named me Kenneth. But I am not free with that information. I like being called teacher. Kenneth just isn’t...mysterious enough.”
He smiles at me, his eyebrow raised, the cheekiest smile on his face and I know that I have made another friend.
He stands up and reaches out his hand to me. I stand with him. “Let’s find the others, then get to the castle. It will be nightfall soon. We should all be together.”
We follow the smell and sight of smoke and find Everleigh and Archer kneeling next to Brett’s fiery body. I sit down next to Everleigh. “My Queen. Forgive me for ending the life of a man who didn’t deserve it, but please don’t punish me for wanting to keep you safe, or for doing what I thought was right. Please.”
Everleigh reaches out and takes my hand and I can’t help crying. “I was shocked when you told me what you’d done. When Brett took me from Will I was so scared that he was going to kill me. When I realised that he was on our side the relief was tremendous. Then I found that Archer was alive, and it was Brett who brought me to him. I wanted to be able to keep him safe, give him my thanks. I’m just sad that he’s gone. He didn’t need to die...but I do thank you for trying to look after me.”
Archer stands up. “It’s time to go.” He’s trying to draw a line under it all and I get that, but he’s so bossy.
Reluctantly Everleigh stands up and leaves Brett’s side.
I’m scowling as we walk back to the castle, kicking at tufts of grass and piles of stones. Archer and Everleigh are holding hands and I’m jealous. I know that’s why I’m so grumpy. All the good things I was feeling after talking to Kenneth have gone.
Archer is alive and he doesn’t love me.
When he was dead I could pretend that he might have picked me instead of her. Now he’s alive again – not that he ever really died, because Kenneth saved him – I have to watch them together. Makes me want to puke if I’m honest. I have to accept the fact that he wouldn’t choose me, even if he knew how I felt.
But when I sneak a look at them both again, a tumble of pure happiness flips through my stomach at the sight of him. Archer is alive. Wait till Weaver sees him. He’ll be so happy. I’m happy too, but sad.
We were always a little group of three, helping the villagers, showing up the King’s men, downing ale and killing rabbits. One of our three has moved on; he’s growing up, and I don’t like it.
We won’t be just us three again – that’s gone. Even though Archer is alive and well, we won’t go back to the village and carry on like we were. He won’t go back to the lovely house where he was a squire. He’ll want to stay by Everleigh’s side.
He’s alive, but dead to me really. The boy I knew, the boy I loved is gone. He belongs to someone else now. He’s outgrown me.
He moves from Everleigh’s side to mine and throws an arm around my shoulders. A friendly move. Close but not intimate. I shake my head. Am I going to spend the whole time I should be celebrating him being alive worrying that he doesn’t love me? He never did. I haven’t lost anything really. Just my fantasies. That he would find out my feelings and declare his love for me. Foolish fantasies.
It’s time for me to grow up too.
“I am so glad you’re alive.”
“Stop giving the teacher a hard time then.”
“I didn’t. We’re good friends now. He made me feel better about...”
“I know why you did it. Next time it might be the right person you kill, someone who would have harmed Everleigh. We can’t be cross with you, not really.”
“Good. I would hate Everleigh to be cross with me. I like her a lot.”
“Good. I would hate it if you two couldn’t get along.”
“Because you’re in love with her?”
“I am. You’re my best friend but she’s...”
“We got along just fine when you were dead, actually.”
“Good. And now that I’m alive?”
“We’ll be just fine.” I stomp away from him and link arms with Everleigh. I won’t hate her because of him. I won’t be one of those girls who blames another girl for her own feelings of inadequacy. I love Archer, Archer doesn’t love me. None of that is Everleigh’s fault. And a Queen will be good for the Realm. A new ruler, a fair ruler, a fresh start.
“Are you happy he’s alright?” she whispers to me. I nod and ask her, “Are you?”
She nods and smiles. “I didn’t tell him about you...”
She tails off, but I know what she means, and I feel hot with relief. “Thank you.”
We walk in silence, the marked girl and the Queen, her true love and the teacher and I resolve to be a good subject to Everleigh, a good friend to Archer and keep my mean mindedness to myself.
It won’t last, but I’ll try.