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WHEN SOMEONE DIES, and you wake up from a perfect sleep and you are blissfully unaware for a second; you’ve forgotten, you’re happy, and then you remember that they are dead, and you want to join them. That’s the feeling that comes over me when I awake from my potion-induced sleep.
Everything is fine, life is good, I am happy. And then I remember that everything is not fine, life is not good, I am not happy. I am a horrible person and I betrayed someone sweet and lovely, who trusted me implicitly.
My insides start squirming again and all the peace that I had in slumber is gone.
I find a jug and take a drink before splashing cold water on my face, straightening out my hair and my clothes.
I have no idea what’s going on in the castle, if Millard is back or if Everleigh’s been found and I need to know, but first I find another tonic and take a quick drink.
Sitting in front of my fire, I try to centre myself, calm my squirming insides and relax. I do not want Everleigh to see the truth written over my face. Sad as it makes me to admit, I must hide what I’ve done from her, at least for now, until I can make it right. I must hide me.
Does one bad deed really make me so terrible? One bad deed? Or two? Where is the line and who decides?
I think back to my little cottage and all the people who came to see me.
Women whose husbands hit them and hurt them, who desperately wanted to be loved regardless, who would buy love potion after love potion, hoping they could change their men and wondering what was wrong with them, what was lacking inside them that made them so unlovable, that made someone want to hurt them. Were those women bad for forgiving such crimes? Were those men so bad that they couldn’t be saved, couldn’t change? If they did hurt their wives, did that mean they were bad people, that couldn’t give love or receive it?
What about people who came to see her ill-wishing their neighbours or friends, coveting what they had or what they did. Were they bad people? People who steal, lie, hurt.
Who gets to decide?
Am I bad because I’ve done a bad thing? What about all the good things I have ever done or will do? Did they outweigh the bad? Could it work like that – I may have murdered three people but I was nice to seven hundred people. No.
Bad is bad and good is good and I need to stop trying to excuse what I did.
By helping Millard and deceiving Everleigh I have set back her quest for the throne. It’s not what I was supposed to be doing. It’s not right.
I am ready to face the others. Find out what’s happening. Has Everleigh been found? Is she alright? Is Millard back? Does he know that it was me who rescued him, saved his life?
I want him to know it was me. Ridiculous. As I think one thing, I contradict myself and think something completely the opposite. Will I just argue with myself until either Millard or Everleigh is on the throne and then make my choice?
If Everleigh is Queen, then I serve her and always did.
If Millard is King, then I serve him and always did.
What a duplicitous little thing I am. I never even realised it till now.