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I WANT TO CRY OR LAUGH hysterically when the teacher says things like that to me. A Queen should be a warrior...I can’t even wash my own hair. A Queen should inspire fear in her enemies. Um, not really. I can shoot an arrow at a target and hit it, don’t get me wrong, but a warrior?
How am I ever going to pull this off? At least Millard – well Macsen too – was majestic. Tall, broad, handsome, fearsome. Able to fight, able to command.
No one is going to bow to me, fight for me, die for me. They will laugh at me.
I love watching Ceryn fight. She is fierce. That’s what I want to be, but I’m being ridiculous. Who would be scared of me?
That’s why I asked her to teach me to fight. I asked Archer, too, I didn’t want to leave him out. Loads of boys can fight, but I’ve never seen a girl like Ceryn – she would inspire fear in her enemies. I still remember the look of fury on her face the first time she saw me, when she blamed me for Archer’s death.
If anyone can help me, it will be her, but I doubt I’ll ever be the type of Queen the teacher was describing.
I believed I would be dead by now; my whole life I was readying myself to die. I wanted to be brave enough to die without begging for my life, without screaming in fear or fainting like a baby. Beyond that, there was nothing.
I haven’t had time to get used to the fact that I will live, never mind that I will rule.
I’ve got such a long way to go. I find myself giggling and everyone looks at me like I’m odd and then I remember why we are all so sober and I want to cry again.
The severed head.
I get why they did it but I don’t want to be the type of Queen that inspires such atrocities. I want to inspire the type of things I grew up with before I realised my brothers were both maniacs: love and peace and happiness.
Is that too much to ask? Am I showing my age and inexperience again?
Probably.
Does it matter, if no one else knows what I am thinking anyway? Maybe being Queen or a warrior or anything else is just about what people believe me to be. If I act like a warrior, then I am a warrior.
Still, I’ll be a more believable warrior if Ceryn will help me.
We decide, as a group, not to leave the room again today but to be served our food here. There is plenty of space. The boys can sleep in Macsen’s rooms tonight, but until then we’ll all stick together.
“Ceryn, I’d feel better if Ginata was here too. I know she’s in a strange mood but we don’t know what might happen next.”
Ceryn nods. “I’ll go and get her. She is in a strange mood, isn’t she? I wonder what’s wrong with her...”
I have no idea and I don’t want to guess. “Who knows? I don’t think any of us are feeling ourselves at the moment.”
Ceryn shrugs and speaks to Archer before she leaves.
Archer comes over to me. “I think it is a good idea for you to be able to handle yourself. No one wants a useless, whimpering Queen.”
“Do you think I’m useless and whimpering.”
He starts to protest and then realises I’m teasing him. His smile when it comes is broad and open and his whole face changes. He’s a handsome young man but when he smiles he looks even better. He takes my hand and I feel my stomach squirming; he’s close to me and he smells so good. I feel myself blushing and I cannot look him in the eye. Where is my father to chaperone me when I need him?
I don’t think Queens should feel like they want to be by someone’s side forever more. I don’t even know him very well. But I also feel like I know everything about him.
I don’t know about his childhood, where he lived and with who. I don’t know any of his friend’s names – except the two that are here with him – I don’t know what he hopes to do with his life. I don’t know what he felt like when he thought he was dying. I don’t know what he felt like when he realised he would live. I don’t know what he thinks about me, about us.
I want to be chaperoned and yet I want the room to empty so that it’s just the two of us, talking, laughing, holding hands, always. Kissing.
We kissed in the rain and I wanted to kiss him forever. We haven’t kissed since I found out that he was alive.
We are always in company. Almost Queens cannot kiss in company and yet a Queen cannot be alone with a young man.
What’s a girl to do?
When I am Queen, I can kiss him. Then I can command him to kiss me. I smile at the thought and he touches a finger to my mouth. I want to bite him but stop myself by stepping away. “What’s so funny?” he asks.
“Nothing. Just you being alive, being with me.”
“When I was dying, or thought I was dying, you were the face I kept seeing. I didn’t want to leave you. As long as you are happy having me around, I won’t leave your side.”
“Will we be alright? Will I sit on the throne, with you next to me?”
“I think so. I hope so.”
How can any of us be sure of anything. Not long ago I was sure I would die, sure my blood would crown one of my brothers and kill the other one. Everything changed and continues to do so. No one can be sure of anything, even minds can change, hearts can change.
Look at my brothers. How could they do what they did, become who they did?
Where is he? What’s he doing? Is he sending men to attack me, in the name of the King? Is he injured or safe?
Thinking about him reminds me of Wolf. “What do we do about Wolf? He’s still in the tower.”
Ceryn locked him in the tower last night and we’ve not given him a thought all day. He’ll be a very angry and hungry Wolf.
“Leave him there. He won’t die of starvation, but it’ll weaken him. I wouldn’t put anything past him.”
“Isn’t that cruel?”
“Yes. He deserves it.” Addyson has sloped over to my side without me noticing.
“Addyson, don’t say that. Don’t become hard like that.”
“He does deserve it. He’s a bad man.”
He is, and he does deserve to be treated cruelly. He will exploit any weakness and escape if he can, and we don’t want that. But I hate that Addyson is viewing the world in such a way already. She’s only eleven. What hope will she have if that’s what she thinks now? My poor cursed princess.
“We’ll leave him there again tonight, but we’ll have to take him something tomorrow.”