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MY HEART LIFTS WHEN I see my little cottage and I know I’ve done the right thing. I’m not sure what I’ll say to Everleigh if she realises I’ve left the castle but then I remind myself that I’m not doing anything wrong.
It’s the guilt, I know. It’s making me jumpy, making me defensive. Making me feel like I’m doing everything wrong, even when I’m not. Every choice being questioned. That’s why I had to leave the castle. It’s suffocating.
I’m allowed to leave the castle. I’m not a prisoner. And I know I’m safe; all of Millard’s men believe me to be on his side.
Besides I need this.
A little bit of time out. Time away from the drama at the castle. I couldn’t have stayed there a minute longer without losing my mind. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t like it.
I take a deep breath, taking in the scent of the flowers that grow along the path and I go inside.
Millard.
I close my eyes and open them again to make sure that I haven’t conjured him out of my imagination. But he’s there and he looks awful.
I rush to his side, and slip my arms around him, sitting him up. He’s freezing cold, shivering, his pallor whiter than white, tinged with blue. The blood on his head, from where Ceryn attacked him, has turned a rusty brown colour, and he looks very far removed from the King that he is. Was.
I reach into my cloak pocket and bring out some discs; I need to get a fire going quickly. He needs to warm up, he needs to eat.
“Ginata?” His voice is thin, scratchy sounding.
“Millard. I’m here. Everything’s fine.”
I open the windows; though he needs to be warm, the smell in here is cloying. The fire heats up quickly and I shift him closer, moving the chair so he’s got something to lean on. I brought a tonic for myself but I sit close to him, holding the bottle up to his dry, cracked lips. “Here.” I keep my voice low and encouraging. “Drink.”
He drinks slowly, some of it dribbling down his chin. I use my finger to bring it up to his mouth and I feel the heat coming back to his skin. He licks my finger and I help him to drink the whole bottle down. He should feel better soon. “I’m going to go to the river, quickly, to get some water to clean you up.”
“No. Don’t leave me. Please.”
I cannot argue with him. I sit back next to him, our legs touching, our arms touching. He reaches for my hand and I let him. The warmth is coming back to his body, the colour back to his face. “Who hurt me, Ginny?”
Ginny. I love the intimacy of that little nickname. “Shh. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. I want to kill them.” His voice is still low, still scratchy, but tinged with fury and I remember the unpredictability of him. The way his moods swing so drastically. You cannot keep up with this man. He won’t let you.
“You cannot kill anyone. You need to get warm, eat, sleep, rest, recover.”
“I am the King of the Realm. I cannot do any of those things. If I do my sister-”
He pauses at the look on my face. “She’s done it already? She usurped me? Took my crown?”
“She is at the castle, yes. She is safe.”
“I thought Brett took her for me?”
“He did, but... he’s dead now. Everleigh was rescued.”
“By who? Who do I need to kill next?”
He starts coughing, the upset choking him. “Quiet, Millard. You have to rest.”
“I cannot rest. She will kill me if she finds me. Will you tell her where I am. Am I to die?”
I shake my head. “I will not tell her, but I have to crown her.”
“No. I forbid it. You are loyal to me.”
“I am, Millard. Who do you think untied you?”
“You?”
“Of course. I couldn’t bear to see you lying there helpless, vulnerable, but I cannot defy your sister either. I’m stuck.”
“Stay here, then. Don’t go back to the castle. Stay with me.”
“Millard...” All my arguments fall away from me as I look at him, his eyes pleading with me, his bravado all gone, replaced with a sweet vulnerability. This murderer is so complicated. He’s so awful, but now, he looks like someone I want to stay with.
“Millard. I cannot stay with you. I don’t want to betray your sister.”
“So, you were loyal to her all along? You lied to me?”
I shake my head, not wanting to talk, to admit anything. “I am loyal to you. I saved your life. But your sister thinks I am loyal to her and I don’t want her to know the truth...”
And there it is. The truth that I didn’t want to admit. I am under the spell of this man here. I know his faults and I won’t even try to excuse them. But he isn’t evil to me, he won’t hurt me, I know it.
“Stay here then. Then she will know nothing until I am strong again. Until I am safe. And then I won’t kill her, I promise you that. I’ll lock her up, I’ll keep her off the throne but I won’t hurt her. And that will be your doing. You make me want to be a better person.”
I shake my head. “Millard. You cannot win against her.”
“Of course I can. She’s just a girl.”
“She’s just a girl who caught Wolf, who killed your guards. Who knocked you off your throne.”
He shakes his head. “No. They’re all just setbacks. We’ll rescue Wolf, we’ll get new guards. I will sit on my throne again.”
“Millard...” I cannot argue with him; he does not want to hear it.
He changes tactic then and he’s crying, softly but surely. “I know I’m not easy to love. But I did want to be a good King. A good man.”
“You can be a good man. Everleigh would be forgiving to you. If you went to her, if I went to her, I could convince her to keep you alive.”
“Locked up with Wolf?”
“Millard, I don’t know what to say. I think it’s over.”
“It will never be over. Not until I am King on my throne again. Say you will help me. Say you will.”
I shake my head. I am confused again. I just want to feel at peace.
I am not loyal to Everleigh. I can admit it, now. If I was I would never have untied Millard. But I don’t have the strength to stay by his side. I don’t want to be judged poorly. I don’t want everyone knowing who I am and what I did.
Maybe I should just run away. Some of the villages furthest from the castle would be glad of a wise woman, a healer, a helper. I could start again, start over. Forget this royal brother and sister and my part in their battle.
Millard leans towards me, turns my head to face him and rests his forehead on mine. “Please.” The plea is just a whisper and I feel my will bend to him and his.