I barely slept all that night. I knew my time was up at the ranch. I had to leave in the morning, there really was no choice in the matter. If I didn’t leave, I would go to jail, then I would probably never see my baby again, ever. If I left as agreed, then at least there was a chance, albeit a slim one, that I could see her again one day. Maybe when I got older, and Madison was older, they would let me be a part of her life. Probably wishful thinking, but I really couldn’t see any other choice in the matter. I knew I had to go. At least for now.
Sometime after midnight I sneaked into the nursery to see her one last time. Well, actually I got to the door of the nursery and was stopped by a huge man wearing a uniform. He was well over six feet tall and considerably more than 200 pounds. I was no match for him. Where the heck did he come from? I couldn’t believe that they hired a security guard to watch over the nursery at night. But, when I thought about it, it kind of made sense. Who could blame them for thinking I might sneak in? That’s exactly what I was doing. But, I wasn’t there to take her, I was there just to see her beautiful face one more time. All that Boris (that’s what I decided his name was) had to do was scowl at me and I ran back to my room about as fast as I could. I threw myself on my bed and cried myself to sleep, for about the hundredth time since I had been living on the ranch. I wasn’t even going to get the chance to see her again before I left for good.
Very early the next morning the sun was streaming in between the blinds and hit me square in the eyes. Like it or not, I was up. My first thoughts went to my daughter, Madison. How was I ever going to leave her behind? I adored her and couldn’t bear to live without her. I knew I was just going to have to deal with it though. Even if I could figure out how to get her out of the house undetected, where would we go? I had no means of support and no one to help us. Besides, I knew they would hunt me down and send me to prison for grand theft, not to mention kidnapping.
So, I packed my things, found Adam and got the money he promised me, and walked out the door. I needed something to survive on and it would last a while. The only person on the ranch I stopped to say good-bye to was Walter. I found him in the stables working. While I was telling him that I was leaving, I burst out crying. Leaving my baby daughter was the hardest thing that I would ever do. I actually thought it might kill me. Walter was very calm and understanding, but there really was nothing he could do. He just hugged me and let me get it all out. He was always so wonderful to me and I was going to miss him.
I was also going to miss Huck. Terribly. By leaving the ranch and the town, I felt like I was leaving him too. He had been such an integral part of my life and it would be a very long time until my broken heart mended, even if just a little.
I figured that Huck’s parents didn’t care for me, and would be thrilled if they never saw me again, but I wanted to say good-bye to them anyway. Those poor people. They lost both of their children in the worst possible ways. I guess there is no good way to lose your child, but they seemed to get the worst of it. Their daughter, Madison, died at 6 years old from cancer. Then Huck died, sort of because of me. Teresa was the one that stabbed him, but I still felt terrible guilt. When his mother opened the door, she was obviously surprised to see me standing on her front porch.
“Hi. I’m really sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say that I’m leaving town and how terribly sorry I am about Huck. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at his funeral, so I decided to come by before I left. No matter how you feel about me, I loved him dearly and will miss him for the rest of my life.” I just blurted it all out before she had a chance to slam the door in my face. She stood there quietly and let me speak.
“What do you mean ‘no matter how you feel about me’?” she asked.
“Just that I’m kind of responsible for him getting killed, and you probably hate me for it. That’s all.” I looked at my feet in a desperate attempt not to cry.
“Oh, sweetheart. You are not responsible at all. We don’t blame you. Why would you think that?” She sounded so kind.
I looked up at her then. I could see the sincerity on her face.
“You don’t? I thought you hated me, because I was the one that introduced him to Teresa.”
“No, of course not. How could you have known? Besides, we know how much Huck loved you. He talked about you all the time.” She smiled at me then.
“He did?”
“Yes. He was in love with you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I so wish things had been different,” I told her.
We both took a moment to reflect on that.
“So, I heard you had your baby. But that’s all I know. Boy or girl?” She was trying to change the subject, which I was thankful for.
I smiled when thinking of my beautiful daughter. “A girl. I named her Madison.” I desperately hoped that his mother would be okay with that.
“You did?” She was definitely surprised.
“Yes. Huck talked so often, and with so much love, about his little sister. Then he died on the day my daughter was born. I wanted to honor him somehow. I hope you don’t mind.” I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.
“Oh wow. Absolutely not. I don’t mind at all. I’m so honored that you did that. Huck would be thrilled.”
She leaned over and gave me a strong, reassuring hug. I hugged her back tightly. When she let me go, she had a sad, kind of soulful look on her face. I knew her children were both on her mind.
“I wanted to let you know that we have decided to move out of state,” she told me. “We need a fresh start and we are leaving tomorrow. It is just too hard for us to stay here, especially in this house. Too many memories, you know?”
I knew.
“I understand. That’s why I’m leaving too. It’s so hard being here and not having Huck around. I need a fresh start too,” I told her.
I left then, promising to keep in touch, knowing that would probably not happen. People promise, and probably mean it at the time, but keeping in contact long distance was something that most people just weren’t very good at. Especially me. I knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. I would remember her forever though. She was the mother of the best guy I had ever known and I named my daughter after her own daughter. That made her family special to me.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but it didn’t take me long to find my old friends and get back into my old drug habits. They were all still in the same place, the ones that were still alive anyway, so they weren’t hard to find. At first, I just wanted to be with people that knew me, and actually liked me. It was such a welcome change from the horrible people I had been living with for the last year. I got pretty good at hiding out too. I didn’t want my parents to find out I was nearby, so I stayed indoors mostly, hanging out with people they didn’t know.
I really didn’t intend on using drugs, had actually told myself that I wouldn’t. But I did. I fell right back into the same old thing. It was such an idiotic thing to do. I know that now. I knew it then. I just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. My life had completely fallen apart. It was such a reckless life that I was leading and I felt there was no way out.
Whenever I was sober, and had time to think about my daughter, I just lost it. She was growing up without me and it was all my fault. I allowed it to happen. All of it. I know I was young, but that’s no excuse for stupidity. I didn’t have to be a victim. However, I let it happen anyway. I let Violet manipulate me. I let Adam seduce me. I let Sarah take my baby and pass her off as her own. I let all of it happen and I was the only one to blame. The only time my mind was at rest from all of those horrible thoughts was when I was high. It was my only solace from reality.
I had friends, I guess. They sort of came and went over time. Some got out of the lifestyle and some died. Most of them would live like that for the rest of their lives, because no one seemed to care about helping them make a change. I seemed to be one of the people that would never get out. I knew the repercussions of what I was doing and just didn’t care. Without Madison, life was not worth living. I would never kill myself deliberately, but I knew that what I was doing would probably result in my death anyway. I wanted out so badly, but didn’t really have the drive to do it myself. So, that’s how I lived, or just existed actually, for the next two years.
Early one morning I woke up, hungover, on a mattress that had been thrown on the floor for me in a crappy apartment that wasn’t even mine. There were several people passed out around me. So pathetic. I just laid there for several minutes, taking in the scene. What was I doing? I couldn’t live like that anymore. I would die if I kept it up, that was a fact. As I lay there, my thoughts drifted to my daughter, as they inevitably did, and as I realized what day it was, overwhelming sadness washed over me. That’s the moment that I decided ‘today is the day’. It was the day that I was going to get my life back on track. It was Madison’s second birthday and I decided at that moment that I was going to be a better person. I had not seen or heard anything about her in all that time, and now I wanted things to be different.
It took some time, but I found a rehab facility that would take me for free. It was a government sponsored program to help get people off the streets and get them started on a better life. I vowed that it would be the last time I ever did any type of drug, and the last time a rehab facility would see my face. Those were the most horrible weeks of my life, but I got through them. I survived somehow. Once my head and body were clear of everything, I needed a life plan. What was I going to do? Where would I get a job, a place to live, a life? Would Madison be a part of any of that?
Once I was clearheaded and out of rehab, the facility helped me get a job. It wasn’t much, just a cashier at a restaurant, but it was a start. I worked hard and thought that maybe one day I could be the chef there. A pipe dream, probably. I worked for a few weeks to save up some money, before I decided to move forward with my plan.