IF YOU ARE having trouble encouraging your child to participate in tasks such as dressing and undressing and helping to tidy his toys away I would suggest introducing a star chart. Then when he willingly co-operates with one of these tasks I would reward him with lots of praise and a star or sticker. Even if he doesn’t fully understand the concept of the star chart, the number of stars or stickers each day on the chart will be a good indicator as to how co-operative he has been.
I also find it helpful to mark a cross in the box every time I request the child to do something and if they co-operate I cover the cross with a sticker. You can then tell at a glance how many of your requests he has completed willingly. Once you see several consecutive days where nearly all the crosses are covered with a sticker, and your child is showing all the other signs of being ready for potty training, I would try Stage One.
Mark was three years and nine months when I went to care for his baby sister. His mother had tried potty training him on two occasions, the first time when he was just over two years and the second time when he was two and a half years. Each time it had ended in disaster with Mark throwing mega tantrums when his mother tried to persuade him to go on the potty. The health visitor advised Mark’s mother against trying again and to wait until Mark took the initiative himself. She assured Mark’s mother that by the time he got to four years of age he would automatically want to abandon his nappies of his own free will.
While I think that is possibly true for most children, there are always a few very stubborn ones who despite reaching an age of being fully aware that they need to use the loo, will constantly resist going into pants. Mark certainly fell into that category. During my first few weeks I observed that every request his parents made was met with whining or tantrums.
Getting dressed in the morning was a nightmare, his mother would usually start off by cajoling and bribing Mark to get dressed, the whole fiasco often taking as long as forty minutes to get him into his clothes. But, more often than not Mark would end up hysterical, with lots of tears and tantrums, as his mother would physically hold him down to get him dressed. The same performance would be repeated at bedtime. Mealtimes were another time which were very fraught. His mother forever worried that he was not eating enough, would end up spoon-feeding him and bribing him with the reward of sweets and ice-creams if he finished his meal.
By the time Mark reached four years of age his mother asked if I thought that he was ready to start potty training. I gave my honest opinion that I felt that until Mark had learned to take instruction regarding the basic things in his life, like getting dressed, tidying his toys away, eating etc., it would be highly unlikely that he would be willing to follow even the first basic stages of potty training. I advised his parents that we sit down and make a list of basic rules to follow when dealing with Mark’s difficult behaviour. Once we had cracked the problem of his day-to-day behaviour I was sure that he would potty train very quickly.
The first thing I did was to draw up a star chart for which Mark was to be given a star each time he co-operated with the three things listed on the chart. The first was that he ate at least most of his meal nicely, and without assistance from either of his parents. The second was that he dressed himself, and the third was that he tidied his toys away when requested. We explained to Mark that if he got four stars in his box each day, he could then choose four sweets from the treat jar at the end of the day after he had had his tea. The first few days were very fraught. Mark would throw tantrum after tantrum at mealtimes and would throw his clothes all over the room when we requested he got dressed. I explained to his mother that it was very important that we dealt with these tantrums very calmly and very consistently. If he didn’t want to eat, we were to say, ‘that’s fine, you’re obviously not hungry’ and take the food away, making no further comment. If he asked for food an hour or two later he was not to be given it until either the allocated snack time or mealtime.
With his dressing he was to be left alone in his room with his clothes and told that once he was dressed we would all go to the swing park. We would return to the room every two or three minutes to remind him that once he was dressed we would all go to the park, but on no account was he to be helped with dressing. When he refused to tidy his toys away, we simply took the toys away that he had been playing with and told him that he would get them back the following day, if he had decided that he wanted to look after them properly.
The first two days were an absolute nightmare, with toys and clothes being thrown everywhere, and on one occasion it took up to two hours for him to get dressed. During breakfast and lunch much of the meal would end up on the floor or in the bin. While we stood firm on the rules that were set, we never showed any frustration or anger towards his behaviour – which at times was very difficult. We reassured him that when he was a good boy he would get a star, and four stars would mean a treat.
Things took a turn for the better on the third day when he managed to get three stars on his chart. Unknown to him I secretly stuck on a fourth star so that he could get his reward that night. Nearly three days without sweets, treats and videos meant he was over the moon at being rewarded for his good behaviour. We made quite a lot of fuss over him about how clever he was and how proud we were of him, also how proud daddy, granny and auntie etc. was of him.
By the end of the week Mark was like a different child. He dressed himself, ate his meals and tidied his toys away without any fuss or assistance. I felt that he was now ready to be potty trained and because of his age I suggested that we go straight into the second stage of potty training. On the Monday of the following week we put an extra line on his star chart and explained that he was a big boy now and could wear big boy pants like daddy, and that he should do his pee or poo in the potty or loo.
Each time he managed this he would be given a special gold star, and if he got four gold stars a day he would be given either a small ice-cream or jelly after his tea. Although he had quite a few accidents the first couple of days he always managed to get at least four stars on his chart. By the fourth day Mark was completely dry during the day and happily using the big loo most of the time.
We continued to use nappies at night for a further three months, by which time he was waking up dry most mornings. We installed a potty and a night light in his bedroom at this stage explaining that should he need a pee in the night he should get up and use the potty. The first few nights we had a couple of accidents, one in the bed and another one when he accidentally missed the potty. After that he was totally dry every morning.