CHAPTER 12
BUILDING, RESTORING, AND MAINTAINING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Whether it is your car, teeth, or relationships, maintenance is vital. Unfortunately, most people are better at getting their oil changed and teeth cleaned than they are at actively keeping relationships healthy and well-functioning. In fact, we often do not pay attention to how our relationships are working until they no longer do. Maintaining a healthy relationship greatly reduces conflict and confrontation because disagreements are handled in a timely, direct, and collaborative manner. While most of us would undoubtedly agree with the maxim that relationships take work, we do not always know the best way to work on them. How healthy are your relationships? What have you done recently to maintain them? In this chapter, we will discuss specific strategies to build, restore, and maintain healthy relationships.
Building New Relationships
It is far easier to build a healthy relationship from scratch than to rebuild a poor one. Taking the time needed at the outset to establish a strong foundation will pay dividends in the form of open communication, teamwork, and reduced risk of confrontation. The following will help you create connectedness and relatedness from the start, two staples of healthy relationships.
Step 1: Start on the Right Foot
When we begin new relationships, we often let them develop organically over time via experiences. My suggestion is to be more proactive and use your interpersonal skills to actively place the relationship on a healthy course right from the start. Consider the following analogy: we practice good oral hygiene because it increases our chances of having healthy gums and decreases the risk of disease. Why would we not do the same with our relationships?
A good place to begin is by mentally setting a very clear intention. For example, “My intention is to build a personal and highly collaborative working relationship with my new team member.” Next, plan a strategy to meet your intention. Here is an example of how I might begin a conversation with a new colleague: “David, thanks for taking the time to chat with me. I remember my first two weeks and how hectic things were. Hopefully, you are beginning to settle in. I wanted to take some time to get more acquainted and see if I could help you out in any way.”
Step 2: Establish Rapport
If you want to build a relationship, you must establish rapport, which occurs when there is a sense of connectedness and relatedness. The more we have in common with others, the more likely we will develop rapport with them. Even simply saying that you remember what your first two weeks were like is a way of signaling empathy around a shared experience. People can connect around all kinds of topics, including interests, hobbies, backgrounds, children, pets, or even a favorite vacation spot, musical group, or television show. The more personal the connection, the more quickly bonds are created. For example, when two people discover that they attended the same small college or overcame similar life challenges, rapport occurs promptly and naturally. So, when it comes to building or improving relationships, seek to identify those common life experiences that will have you feeling genuinely connected to the other person. The following are some statements and questions that you might ask over time:
How did you find out about the open position?
What made you decide to take the job?
Tell me about your background, e.g., personal, educational, professional.
Tell me about your family. (You should seek to learn about the significant people in your new colleague’s life, e.g., the names of her partner, children, and pets. If the person has children, you may want to ask their ages or what grades they are in school.)
What do you like to do outside of work?
Most people are comfortable sharing this information, but do not push if the person seems hesitant or uncomfortable. Always respect boundaries. Do not make your first conversation sound like an interrogation, and reciprocate by sharing about yourself. As you build trust and familiarity, continue to ask questions and engage in conversations that help you learn more about one another and what you each find important.
Step 3: Create a Foundation of Trust
Healthy relationships cannot exist without a strong foundation of trust. The lack of such a foundation is the number one reason that relationships break down. A good place to start is by establishing your own integrity and reliability. Ask yourself these questions:
Can people trust me to keep my word, no matter what and no matter how small the matter?
Am I reliable?
If you tell someone that you will meet her at 10:00 a.m., do you show up by 10:00 a.m., or do you saunter in or appear on screen with a fresh cup of coffee at 10:05 a.m.?
Do you tell people that you will get back to them by the end of the day, but then things always seem to prevent you from keeping that commitment?
Have you ever said that you would follow up on an issue and forgot? Worse yet, said you did when you had not?
Additionally, ask yourself if people can trust you to be competent and have the skills necessary to deliver on your promises. There are times when, quite frankly, people are put in positions where they simply do not have the education and experience to succeed. If you find yourself being asked to complete a task for which you are not qualified, be honest about it or you will definitely lose both trust and respect. While it is extremely important for colleagues to trust your word, it is equally important for you to trust theirs. Healthy relationships must have shared trust; they simply cannot exist without it.
Restoring Relationships
Unfortunately, relationships can erode over time, get off track, or otherwise become unhealthy, tense, and stressful. In such cases, action needs to be taken to restore them to a healthy state of mutual trust and respect. While not all relationships are salvageable, the following steps will help put you on a better path.
Step 1: Assess the Health of the Relationship
The first step in restoring or maintaining a healthy relationship is assessing its current state. While I am not a fan of the traditional performance review, I am an advocate of relationship reviews. Healthy relationships are characterized by mutual trust, respect, and support; honest and direct conversations; and a willingness to compromise. Such relationships produce healthy conversations, so disagreements are less likely to turn into arguments and issues are resolved quickly without drama. In a healthy relationship, difficult conversations become a lot less difficult and a lot less frequent.
Imagine that you and a colleague have very different ideas about how to deal with an irate customer. In an unhealthy relationship, this would lead to conflict rather than brainstorming because each person would have little interest in understanding and exploring the merits of the other’s viewpoint. In contrast, when disagreements occur between people in a healthy relationship, there is open and straightforward dialogue, an appreciation for the other’s perspective, and an unselfish focus on doing what is best for the customer.
The following Relationship Health Assessment (RHA) can be used to evaluate the overall health of collegial relationships.
Relationship Health Assessment (RHA)
Directions: Think of a colleague with whom you would like to foster a better working relationship, and then score the extent to which you agree or disagree with each statement.
Strongly Disagree (0 points)
Disagree (1 point)
Neutral (2 points)
Agree (3 points)
Strongly Agree (4 points)
_______ I can tell the other person what I am thinking and feeling without fear of judgment.
_______ When we disagree, we have a calm, direct, and respectful conversation.
_______ I feel listened to and understood.
_______ There is a sense of mutual trust between us.
_______ We provide feedback to one another in a constructive and supportive manner.
_______ I would characterize our relationship as collaborative.
_______ We have mutual respect for one another.
_______ I can rely on the other person to keep his/her word.
_______ I believe that the other person has my best interests at heart.
_______ I enjoy working with this person.
_______ Total Score
Score Interpretation
0–10 The relationship is broken. There have likely been several negative interactions over time that led to a profound loss of mutual trust and respect. Both people actively avoid one another and communicate only when necessary. Any appearance of collaboration is superficial. In a direct report and manager relationship, the direct report may feel compelled to outwardly feign a certain degree of respect. The prospect of repairing such a relationship is extremely low and an investment in doing so probably not worthwhile. Realistically, it would be best if one person were to move to a new role or exit the organization.
11–20 The relationship is dysfunctional. Differences of opinion likely lead to conflict or disengagement. Pragmatically, it would be best if there were little need for collaboration. Improving the health of the relationship would likely require an intervention by a strong manager or outside facilitator, as well as a sincere commitment from both parties. (In my experience, if the manager had the skill and willingness to address conflict between team members, he would have already done so.) With effort, some level of mutual respect and an openness to each other’s viewpoints is achievable. Hopefully, significant confrontations will be avoided. Maintenance and oversight of the relationship is strongly recommended; otherwise, gains will likely be short-lived.
21–30 These relationships are common in the workplace. When differences of opinion arise, both people are likely to feel strongly about their position but are willing to listen to the other’s point of view. They are cordial, professional, and respectful toward one another. The success of the relationship is shared equally, and neither maligns the other or intentionally causes conflict. Communication is most often open and forthright, though there are times when each may withhold information that could make them or their point(s) vulnerable. This relationship is on solid footing and could become even more collaborative if both parties were interested and committed to doing so.
31–40 This is a very healthy and productive relationship. There is mutual support, trust, respect, and a strong sense of security and safety. Each person takes full responsibility for the health of the relationship and conversations are straightforward and collaborative. Each person takes the initiative to ask questions to ensure full understanding of the other’s views and ideas. They naturally collaborate and focus on what is in the best interest of clients and the organization. Each person willingly admits his or her own mistakes and acknowledges the other’s contributions. There is no sense of win or lose in the relationship. When disagreements do occur, they are dealt with respectfully and resolved quickly.
(For additional RHA worksheets and information regarding rights of usage, email me at: Paul@PaulMarciano.com.)
As you look at the results, is the relationship where you want or expect it to be? If not, what specific areas seem most problematic? Try to identify specific interactions that have caused a rift in the relationship. For example, you may have discovered that your coworker spoke poorly about you behind your back, which led to a decreased level of trust. Or, perhaps, whenever you offered a suggestion, she dismissed it without consideration. Have you tried to address the issue? Might this person be open to having a conversation, or would a “Let’s talk about it” be met with “Let’s not”? If the relationship is not as collegial as you would like, my strong recommendation is that you do something about it, starting with initiating an honest and authentic conversation. If you apply what you have learned in this book, there is almost no chance that a relationship will deteriorate and every chance that it will improve.
Step 2: Be Honest with Yourself
The starting point for restoring any relationship is a sincere willingness to do so. You need to have a frank conversation with yourself and decide how much work you are willing to put into the endeavor. Is there a driving motivation behind your desire to restore your relationship? Do you sincerely want to see things improve, or is your boss pushing you to work more collaboratively? Do you think your colleague is even interested in improving the relationship, or will your effort just be a waste of energy? What is the downside to leaving things as they are? What is the upside to improving the situation? If you authentically want to restore the relationship with your colleague, move to the next step.
Step 3: Initiate the Conversation
Assuming that you are willing to invest the time and energy in restoring the relationship, you will need to begin with a genuine conversation. Be straight, honest, and clear. For example, you might say something like, “Grace, I don’t feel as though our relationship has been the same since we argued about whose fault it was that the project did not launch on time. I apologize for how I acted and want to know how I can make things right. Would you be open to having a conversation about getting our relationship back on track?” Hopefully, she will say yes and you can set a time to speak. If she says no, let her know that you respect her decision and are committed to fostering a respectful, collaborative working relationship. If possible, on your own, start by “cleaning up” what you believe may have been the originating incident. In this case, this may involve going to your boss or the client and accepting responsibility for what
occurred.
Step 4: Focus on Trust
If you do find that mutual trust is missing or broken, your priority must be on establishing or restoring it. Trust takes time to develop, and once broken, it is incredibly difficult to restore. Whether trust has been broken for one party or both, this issue must be addressed head-on. One way is to tackle it directly and authentically: “Li, I would very much like to build a more collegial relationship with you, and I think it would result in greater productivity. In order to be as collaborative as possible, we obviously have to trust one another, and I don’t think that is currently the case. Are you open to having a conversation about our relationship and improving it?” Simply being forthright will have a positive impact on trust.
As always, a good idea is to look in the mirror and ask yourself the following questions:
Can my colleagues trust that I have their back?
Do people know that I will stand up for them if others start speaking poorly about them?
Can people trust that if I have concerns I will speak directly to them and not about them?
Can I be trusted to be discreet?
Can I be trusted not to take advantage of a colleague or to try to gain an advantage at his expense?
Can others trust that I will be transparent and not withhold information?
Can others trust that I will put the needs of the team or organization above my own?
Can people trust me to keep my word?
Can you answer in the affirmative to all or most of these? If you find yourself answering “No” or “I don’t know,” start engaging in behaviors today that will increase trust in those areas.
Step 5: Hone Your Interpersonal Skills
When it comes to building collaborative relationships, the first stop is you. What have you done to improve your interpersonal skills? Reading this book certainly counts! But you can also take initiative by doing any of the following:
Perusing other self-development books, articles, or blogs
Watching TED or TEDx Talks
Completing online training classes
Taking in-person workshops related to communication, collaboration, teamwork, or emotional intelligence
Asking for coaching or mentoring at work
Requesting advice and feedback from colleagues and/or friends
Please note that most resources are free or very inexpensive, so cost cannot be your excuse. Also, you do not have to invest a tremendous amount of time to learn and practice these skills. If you are reading this book, you are likely to engage in other continuous learning opportunities as well. The challenge always seems to be reaching those who could benefit the most from “soft skills” training but have little interest in self-development. We tend to spend a lot more time at work improving processes and procedures than we do improving ourselves. In fact, the vast majority of people spend no time working on themselves from an interpersonal skills standpoint. I find that in large part this is due to people’s blind spots around how their behavior adversely impacts others.
If you find yourself repeatedly getting into conflicts or arguments with others, it is likely not a coincidence. An excuse I have heard countless times is that the other person is the problem or the one being difficult. Of course, hardly anyone raises a hand when you ask who has poor communication or interpersonal skills. In addition to honest introspection, feedback from colleagues is a valuable resource. If your company offers a 360-degree assessment, you should go through the process, especially if you manage people. Always approach such an assessment in the spirit of curiosity and continuous improvement; you should be disappointed if you do not receive any constructive feedback because it may suggest that your colleagues are not invested in your development or fearful of retribution. (If you are interested in such an assessment and your company does not offer one, please email me at: Paul@PaulMarciano.com.)
Step 6: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence
People with a high EQ tend to be naturally skilled when it comes to building and maintaining healthy relationships. Such individuals are aware of their own and others’ emotional states. They understand how their behavior impacts others, can actively manage their feelings and reactions, and are effective at navigating relationship dynamics. And yes, empathy plays a key role. Obviously, such individuals are not only good at dealing with conflict but are able to approach situations and conversations in a way that minimizes the likelihood of conflict, or prevents it from occurring altogether. While it is difficult to increase one’s EQ and empathy, it is not impossible, given desire, time, and effort. The key to improvement is role-playing different interpersonal scenarios to practice and test how best to respond to others about sensitive issues.
One of my most frustrating coaching assignments was with Albert, an individual with extremely low EQ and no interest in improving. He was a high-level executive hired to turn things around in the sales department of a multinational organization. However, after almost a year in the position, nothing had turned around other than his boss’s patience. A 360-degree assessment revealed that his department’s lack of progress was due primarily to his poor leadership skills and inability to build relationships with his team members. In fact, after all those months, he still had not met one-on-one with his 10 direct reports. While he had perfectly good social skills, he was devoid of empathy and had no emotional awareness. He also had no interest in learning about others but would happily share in great detail what was going on in his world.
During my second meeting with Albert, his administrative assistant knocked on the door to inform him that there had been a change in his schedule. After she left, I asked, out of curiosity, how much he knew about her personally. He could not think of one thing. I pushed, “Do you know if she has children? Is she married? Does she have any hobbies outside of work?” He had no idea. In the 10 minutes I spoke with her before meeting with Albert, I learned that Darlene and her husband had just celebrated their twentieth wedding anniversary, the name of their favorite restaurant, were the proud parents of twin boys in high school, and had just gotten a golden retriever puppy named Chamois (her picture was adorable). Although Albert made some minor efforts to change, he was simply too egocentric and narcissistic to ever sincerely be interested in others and thus engender the loyalty of his people. He was ultimately terminated.
Human interactions can get messy, especially when emotions run high, and you need to be prepared to respond when curveballs come your way. For example, how would you respond if you said, “I am sorry to hear that you did not get the promotion” and your colleague replied, “No, you’re not!” When people first seek to demonstrate empathy and interest in the interpersonal lives of their team members, they may come across as awkward, inauthentic, and insincere; thus, it is best to make incremental changes in behavior to allow yourself to feel more comfortable and to give others time to adjust to the new and improved you.
My client Zack was a young, driven executive with tremendous potential. While the overall feedback from his 360-assessment was extremely positive, his lack of empathy was his Achilles’ heel. This was not news to him, as his highly emotionally intelligent wife, Michelle, had given him the same feedback for years. Unlike Albert, Zack was committed to improving his EQ. Importantly, he was already able to recognize situations that required an empathetic response—he just was not sure what to do. Given Michelle’s EQ, I suggested that he try a “What would Michelle do?” strategy. Michelle became his role model and role-playing with her proved extremely effective. Michelle and I were very proud of him!
Another client, Sam, who struggled with EQ, had quite a novel and extremely direct way of dealing with this interpersonal limitation. He would actually tell people, “When it comes to understanding emotions and knowing the right things to say, I’m terrible. My dog and I took an emotional intelligence test and he scored way higher, which was in no way a surprise to me or my wife. It isn’t that I don’t care; I just don’t know how to respond in a way that makes other people feel as though I do. So, if I say something stupid, or don’t say anything when I should, I want to save time now and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ When it comes to emotional issues, I would ask that you be very blunt and explicit.”
You do not find many people willing to be this authentic and vulnerable. Being so up front with this issue may go a long way to prevent hurt feelings and conflict situations down the road.
Step 7: Follow Up
It will likely take more than one conversation to fully restore a damaged or dysfunctional relationship. It is important to recognize this and to actively follow up with additional healthy conversations and productive interactions that rebuild trust. Be incredibly transparent and communicate very clearly. Be vulnerable. It is important that you do not give the impression of withholding information or having a hidden agenda. Use the following tips to help win back some lost trust:
In public, show support for others’ ideas and only make comments that will be viewed as constructive and helpful, never critical.
Make sure to give credit to the other person; it is always better to shine the light away from you.
Acknowledge and thank the other person when he is being particularly collaborative by saying things like, “I really appreciate your help resolving this.”
Admit when you have made mistakes.
Be extremely reliable and consistent.
Use the word “we” a lot.
Set regular check-in times to meet and make sure that the two of you are aligned and any concerns are openly discussed.
When incidents do arise, remind yourself and the other person of your commitment to a mutually respectful and collaborative relationship.
Keep in mind that maintaining high-functioning relationships takes work and fixing them takes even more. Be patient.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
Communication is the primary component to maintenance, which means that a healthy relationship is built partially on people talking about issues they may not necessarily want to talk about. When people stop talking and disengage, problems occur. Each party must be willing to speak up during disagreements or when feelings are hurt. Keeping things inside and biting your tongue is a terrible strategy for maintaining a healthy relationship. Continue to practice the many behavioral strategies reviewed in this book, including holding regular check-in conversations.
In sum, the most important behaviors to maintain high-functioning relationships include:
Using open, direct, and straightforward communication
Regularly scheduling times to speak about your working relationship
Listening attentively
Taking an active interest in the other person’s work
Being accessible and responsive
Respecting boundaries
Giving constructive feedback
Encouraging and fostering consideration, thoughtfulness, and empathy
Acknowledging and showing your appreciation for others
Keeping commitments; being consistent and reliable
Remaining positive during interactions
Being open to compromise
Being direct when asking your colleague what she needs from you and when telling her what you need
If you want a relationship to remain healthy, you must give it attention. It is a whole lot easier to prevent problems than to fix them.
SUMMARY
I hope that one of the key takeaways for you in this chapter is the importance of being extremely intentional in fostering healthy relationships in your life. Take the initiative to get acquainted with new colleagues, and let them know they can count on your support. When relationships do get fractured, deal with them as quickly and straightforwardly as possible. Do not expect them to heal overnight, but know that they will improve with effort. Work to maintain your relationships every day. Take time to speak about non-work-related issues with genuine curiosity. Always seek to connect with your fellow team members—especially if your relationship occurs primarily over a monitor than in person. EQ is essential to building, restoring, and maintaining healthy relationships. If this is an area of interpersonal weakness for you, make the investment to improve. It will pay dividends in both your professional and personal lives.
UP NEXT
The final chapter will discuss when it is time to move on from a relationship and leave you with critical takeaways.
ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD
1. Choose a colleague with whom you have had little interaction. Take the initiative to get to know her on a more personal level and see if you can build a sense of connection.
2. How high is your EQ? Are you empathetic and skilled at dealing with interpersonally sensitive issues? If not, identify some educational opportunities and find someone in your life who can serve as a coach in this area.
3. Invite someone with whom you have had a strained relationship to have an open conversation about how you can foster a more productive working relationship. Perhaps, suggest that the two of you complete the Relationship Health Assessment and share your results.
4. Review the key behaviors associated with building healthy relationships, and identify three to focus on during your daily interactions with others.