CHAPTER 2

I THINK I’LL PASS

When it comes to dealing with conflict, most of us would rather take a pass. We choose to avoid conflict whenever possible because it introduces risk and potential vulnerability. When it comes to our fight-or-flight instinct, flight often seems like the better choice—especially when “losing” is the likely outcome and has severe consequences, ergo getting fired. Thus, we often choose to keep our thoughts and concerns to ourselves—and we all probably remember times when we wish we had!

We are quite good at making excuses and rationalizing why avoiding conflict is the most sensible course of action. From a psychological perspective, coming up with sensible reasons for why we should not engage in a conversation serves us well because it reduces cognitive dissonance. (Cognitive dissonance is a theory proposed by Leon Festinger in which we seek to hold our cognitions—thoughts, opinions, beliefs—and behaviors in harmony with one another.) We naturally find mental discord unsettling and desire to bring our beliefs and actions into alignment. There are, of course, all kinds of problems associated with avoiding conflict—more on that in the next chapter. Right now, let’s examine what we say to ourselves that allows us to “take a pass” on addressing situations with potential conflict. As you read, take note of your go-to excuses and consider the impact of not having such conversations.

“Having the Conversation Won’t Make a Difference”

Have you ever felt that you have had the same conversation over and over, each instance leading to either short-lived change or no change at all? I know I have. This experience is so frustrating that at some point you simply declare to yourself, and oftentimes to others, that there is little point in revisiting the same topic yet again. And while giving up may seem the only sensible option, it leaves you feeling more frustrated and disempowered. If the same conversation has not led to the desired results, perhaps you should be having a different conversation—a healthy one.

“Having the Conversation Might Make Things Worse”

Often our fears of addressing a conversation extend past the worry that it will make no difference; we fear that addressing the problem will lead to an even bigger one. The potential upside to having the conversation is overshadowed by the potential downside. For example, a manager might avoid addressing the behavior of an underperforming employee for fear that he may quit, which would lead to increased work and stress for others, including the manager herself. On the other hand, when a manager fails to hold an employee accountable for fulfilling his job responsibilities, she often ends up unfairly punishing her best employees with additional work, who may end up becoming resentful and losing respect for their manager. (If a manager is afraid to address performance issues with a direct report, then she probably should not be a manager.)

“Having the Conversation Might Put Me in Jeopardy”

Some people are vindictive, and unfortunately, retaliation may be a real concern. When people sense that they are being called out or embarrassed in front of others, they may feel attacked and respond by going on the offensive. For example, the person could start spreading rumors throughout the workplace, sabotage another team member’s work, or purposely provide misleading information. Of course, the riskiest situation may be confronting your manager regarding a concern you have about her behavior or, even riskier, taking your concerns to your manager’s boss. To be clear, these may be valid concerns; at this point, however, just recognize that they are rationalizations for avoiding straight conversations.

“Time Will Make Things Better”

No, time will not make things better—in fact, it may make them worse. Unlike acne, interpersonal problems rarely clear up on their own. For example, imagine that two team members get into an argument and stop speaking. If time truly made the issue dissipate, their relationship would improve on its own. Typically, that is not what happens. People do not forget when they have been offended or disrespected. However, sometimes one or both parties will pretend as though nothing happened, which is both aggravating and unhealthy. I bet you can remember interactions that occurred many years ago that you never addressed and cause you angst to this day. Perhaps you are even thinking of one now. The double whammy is that in such situations you may end up being angry at yourself for not having spoken up. Talking with others about your concern or upset in a timely manner is not just helpful for getting things off your chest, it also increases the likelihood that you will have a healthy, calm conversation without accumulating weeks, months, or even years of resentment.

“Now Is Not a Good Time”

Sometimes we recognize that addressing an issue is necessary, but we justify holding off by telling ourselves that now is not a good time. (By the way, we use this excuse for all kinds of decisions and behaviors that we procrastinate in our lives, like writing a book.) We just have too much going on that needs our attention. This conversation can wait, especially if it means potentially “upsetting the apple cart” and causing us to expend time and energy that would distract us from our priorities. Sometimes we invoke empathy and tell ourselves that the timing is not good for the other person. For example, if a team member is clearly feeling overwhelmed, you might rationalize not wanting to cause him further stress. Ironically, he too may be avoiding the conversation, and your bringing it up would be a relief. Having a straightforward discussion in a timely manner helps ensure that things do not get swept under the rug and lead to ongoing animosity. The longer we wait, the less likely we are to address the situation and the more awkward it will feel when we do.

“The Situation Isn’t at a Point Where It Really Needs to Be Addressed”

So should one just wait until the problem gets worse? This justification is used by managers the world over seeking to avoid discussing performance problems with employees, such as a team member who has been sporadically showing up late to meetings. Employees also use this excuse to avoid addressing problems with coworkers. For example, you may have a highly extroverted and social team member who keeps stopping by your desk to chat. It is annoying, but you do not want to hurt his feelings and so you just try to keep the conversations short. Unfortunately, he seems to be stopping by more frequently as time goes on. At what point is enough enough? It is far easier to address and extinguish problem behavior when it first arises than to let it escalate. Dealing with a small mess now is better than dealing with a big mess later!

“This Discussion Will Bring Up Other Issues That I Really Don’t Want to Address”

Hopefully, it does. (You do see the irony in this rationalization, right?) Often, tense conversations do give rise to issues the other person has been refraining from discussing. Sometimes, when a conversation becomes too intense, a person will try to steer it to a less threatening topic. Should other issues surface, acknowledge and commit to addressing them but stay focused on the reason for the current discussion.

“I Might End Up Looking Like the Bad Guy”

Being liked is really important to most of us. Often, we rationalize that if we draw attention to certain issues we will be viewed in a negative light—jealous, petty, or whiny. For example, imagine working on a factory floor where assignments are supposed to be rotated among team members, but you always seem to get stuck doing the least desirable jobs. Or there are people on the team spending more time on social media than they are working. While you may have a strong desire to talk to your manager about such situations, you will likely refrain from doing so to avoid seeming like a complainer or tattletale. Instead, you end up biting your tongue and becoming resentful of your colleagues. Handling the situation using the techniques in this book will leave you looking like a responsible team member and eliminate any resentment.

“I Don’t Want to Get My Friend in Trouble”

Sometimes we are put in a terrible position when a friend at work is doing something wrong or inappropriate and we know about it, especially if they ask us not to say anything. Imagine, for example, a colleague who begins to fudge her time sheet, claims to have checked over her work when you know she has not, or blames another team member when it was she who actually made the mistake. In such instances, you likely know that you should say something but cannot bring yourself to do so. You’d better hope that your friend does not really screw up and your manager does not find out you knew about the issue all along. As is the case in most things, honesty is the best policy, if not in the short term then definitely in the long term.

“We Have a Good Working Relationship, and I Don’t Want to Risk Messing It Up”

I have successfully argued myself out of having all kinds of direct conversations in the name of preserving a relationship. I think to myself, “If I bring this up, it could really cause friction.” Imagine having a colleague who does something that irritates you, and he’s been doing so for quite a while. For example, he is always late to videoconferences, or he speaks loudly during phone calls, most of which are of a personal nature and last for long periods of time. Or, he constantly checks his social media accounts and then complains about having too much work and asks for help. If you do not address these issues, they will keep coming up. Eventually you will start taking your frustration out on your colleague in ways that will damage the relationship, which is precisely what you tried to avoid in the first place. As my friend and client Sharon Noble puts it, “If you don’t talk about it, you’ll act it out.”

“I Don’t Want to Hurt the Other Person’s Feelings”

Most of us have probably had the experience of working with someone who dressed unprofessionally, had bad breath or body odor, put on too much cologne or perfume, or spoke too loudly. Or maybe someone was very proud of his work, which, quite frankly, was not all that good, but you did not want to burst his bubble. (Hopefully, my friends and family reading this book will continue to feign praise.) We really, really want to avoid having awkward conversations around such personal topics. I was once asked by a client to tell an employee that he stood too close when speaking. At first, the employee was terribly embarrassed. Then he was upset that in the four years he had worked for the company, no one had ever brought this issue up. In such situations, I always put myself in the other person’s shoes and ask, “Would I want to know that?” Almost invariably the answer is “Yes.” It is my firm belief that you can tell anyone almost anything if it comes from a place of caring and if you do so with some tact.

“I’m Waiting for the Other Person to Bring It Up”

Bad idea. There are many conversations I have never initiated because I got it in my head that the other person was at fault, and thus it was her responsibility to apologize to me. Meanwhile, the other person may be completely unaware there is even an issue in need of discussion. On the other hand, she could be waiting for you to bring it up. If you never have a discussion, you will never resolve the issue. Stop waiting and start talking about it.

“I Don’t Really Care”

Yes, you do care, or you would not be having this conversation with yourself. We tell ourselves we do not care because we are afraid that addressing the issue will not go as we hope—for example, that the other person will not apologize or things will get worse. Telling yourself that you do not care and avoiding the conversation will not get rid of the pit in your stomach. Also, do not go down the path of “I’ll be the bigger person” or play the martyr. You are going to resent yourself for lacking courage, and you will lose the respect of others who see that you are not willing to stand up for yourself.

“I Don’t Know What to Say or How to Say It”

That is why I wrote this book. In coaching clients throughout my career, the most common reason people give for not having a critical conversation is that they do not know how. “Where do I begin?” I realized that people’s lack of confidence is often authentically based on a lack of competence. Having a difficult conversation does not take courage; it takes skill. Fortunately, by the time you finish this book, you will have those skills and know exactly what to say and how to say it.

Wow, we certainly have lots of conversations with ourselves so we can avoid having them with others! You need to ask yourself whether you are more committed to avoiding conflict or to having a healthy relationship. While the road of avoidance may seem like an easier one in the short term, the longer we stay on it, the rougher the terrain and the tougher it gets to effectively address the problem. In some cases, there is no turning back. Understand that when you choose not to address conflict, you are making a choice, one that will likely have an adverse impact on you, the other person, and/or your team.

SUMMARY

We allow ourselves to entertain so many reasons to avoid addressing conflict, some of which can be quite legitimate. However, regardless of how justified our reasoning, the result is the same: we choose not to address the problem and become resentful as a result, which leads to a further deterioration in the relationship. Instead of convincing yourself that it would be safer to forgo a conversation, you would be better off talking yourself into one.

UP NEXT

Choosing to avoid addressing critical issues may sound like a good idea, but it has serious consequences. In the next chapter, we will discuss the adverse impact of avoidance on ourselves and others.

ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD

1.   Review the list of rationalizations and put a check mark next to those that you have used in the past. How many did you identify? Which excuses do you use most frequently?

2.   Are there any other reasons than those listed that you use to let yourself off the hook?

3.   Take a look back at the issues you identified in the previous chapter. What are you saying to yourself to put off the conversations? Do you see them now more as excuses than objective reasons?