CHAPTER 3

AVOIDANCE COSTS

Avoiding conflict has consequences, however, and these consequences are typically more problematic than the issues you are avoiding. Yes, there are circumstances under which dropping the matter makes sense, such as a minor conflict with a colleague or one that is not repeated when a team member’s behavior was completely out of character, and you know that she was under tremendous stress. More likely, however, not addressing the problem will cause discord to exacerbate and resentment to fester. The fallout also often impacts others in the organization. In this chapter, we will discuss why letting ourselves off the hook can leave us on the hook for lots more conflict. As you read, reflect on your own experiences and the costs to you and others.

Individual-Level Impact

In general, avoiding a conversation with someone is exhausting and disempowering. Just think about the person in your life you dread having to walk past in the hallway. (Or that former friend you desperately hope did not see you turning down the grocery store aisle.) We expend a great deal of mental and emotional energy figuring out how to avoid people with whom we have developed a contentious relationship. At work, interpersonal conflict can lead to feelings of bitterness, anger, sadness, and frustration that spill over and impact our personal life. The longer we go without addressing the emotional thorn, the stronger and further entrenched our negative feelings become. This may, in fact, contribute to psychological and physical health problems. Have you ever felt a gnawing pit in your stomach because, ironically, you avoided a conversation you thought you could not stomach? I find that when I choose to initiate a conversation I have actively avoided, I invariably feel better about myself, regardless of the outcome. In some ways, I feel like a coward when I choose avoidance, and I feel courageous and powerful when I speak up. Saying what you have to say is often very liberating. Let’s take a look at some examples.

In my experience, sadly, people would rather tolerate being miserable at work than take the initiative to discuss their concerns, especially if it involves their manager. Krishnan, a good friend, worked in an accounting firm and was a talented, trusted, and dedicated team member. Over time, his manager, Brady, came to rely on him more and more, which translated into more and more work. While he was a great employee who had enjoyed his job, Krishan became overwhelmed and frustrated. He also began feeling taken advantage of as his additional efforts and positive results were not accompanied by a promotion or a raise. The real rub, however, was that Brady rarely acknowledged or gave Krishnan credit for his accomplishments. In fact, Brady would often take the credit. Over the course of a year, Krishnan grew increasingly angry and resentful. One day, Brady asked him to take on yet another assignment far outside the scope of his core job responsibilities. It was Krishnan’s tipping point. Much to Brady’s surprise, Krishnan cleaned out his desk, dropped off his badge and laptop, and walked out.

During this period, I encouraged Krishnan to confront his manager and discuss the issue. Maybe Brady was overwhelmed himself and oblivious to his unfair treatment of Krishnan. He may have been insensitive but not intentionally taking advantage of Krishnan. After all, Krishnan had always stepped up and never complained, so why should Brady be concerned? Krishnan would just look at me, shake his head, and say that confronting his manager would make no difference. Maybe not, I would tell him, but one thing was for sure—the situation would not improve if he did not. If he was willing to quit anyway, what possible downside was there to having a straightforward conversation? Regardless of the outcome, I am certain that Krishnan would have felt better if he had stood up for himself.

This next example involves conflict between peers. Aisha and Taylor worked together in the finance department of a large manufacturing company. Taylor began spearheading teamwide Friday happy hours at a nearby microbrewery. However, he never asked Aisha to join. She began to feel ostracized, hurt, and confused about why she was not being included. Had she done something to offend Taylor, or was there someone else on the team who did not want her to be invited? After a few weeks, Aisha decided to confront Taylor, who was surprised and embarrassed. He explained that he remembered her mentioning at last year’s holiday party that she did not drink; he thought it might be awkward to ask her to a happy hour. He felt terrible and sincerely apologized, and, of course, said that it would be great if she joined them. Aisha was relieved and appreciative of Taylor’s apology and sincere invitation.

In his attempt to be sensitive to Aisha, Taylor had actually left her confused and upset. Imagine the potential long-term hurt and resentment she might have felt had she not taken the initiative to have the conversation. Also, recognize that Aisha’s upset could have been avoided altogether if Taylor had been willing to have what he feared would be an awkward conversation about whether she would like to join the team at these gatherings.

Team-Level Impact

When two colleagues are in conflict, it adversely affects the whole team. This is especially true when the situation is widely known, as it usually is because each team member typically speaks poorly about the other. Team members may feel compelled to choose sides, and, in fact, may literally be asked to do so with phrases such as “Can I count on you to have my back?” Other team members get frustrated that their colleagues are unwilling to manage their differences maturely and professionally. Conflict that began between two people often creates negative feelings and friction across an entire team. As a result, communication and collaboration break down and are sometimes never fully restored. Consider the following example.

I was once asked to work with Carlos, the head of business development, and Sofia, a senior salesperson, who had not spoken for several months. They worked in a satellite office of a global company with a total of nine employees. Apparently, Sofia had sold new business to an existing customer that Carlos felt should have fallen under business development. (He was upset that he did not make the commission.) Whether intentional or not, Sofia had not kept Carlos informed about the deal, and he was blindsided during a meeting with the client, which put him in an awkward and embarrassing situation. Carlos was furious. He and Sofia had a very unhealthy conversation that resulted in a complete refusal by both to further communicate or collaborate. (They sent curt emails to one another when absolutely necessary or asked colleagues to serve as go-betweens.)

The tension in the office was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. The manager was ineffectual and had done little more than ask them to try to get along. I spoke with the team members who were flat-out angry and fed up with the situation, especially when they were put in the middle. To state the obvious, Carlos and Sofia’s dysfunctional relationship had a devastating effect on office morale, decreased communication and collaboration, and made for incredibly awkward team meetings. As is usually the case, Sofia and Carlos had little appreciation for the negative impact their dispute was having on their colleagues. Fortunately, after discussing the issue, they became receptive to working with me and with each other. It took a day and a half of in-person meetings, as well as follow-up phone coaching, but the investment was worthwhile, as they subsequently were able to maintain a professional, respectful, and collaborative working relationship.

Organization-Level Impact

An organization’s ability to function at a high level and satisfy customers’ needs depends on healthy relationships among team members. Strife between coworkers diminishes efficiency, productivity, and quality work. You cannot have excellent external customer service without excellent internal customer service. Consider the following example of how conflict can adversely impact customers and organizations.

Kaitlyn, a production manager, and Samir, a sales manager, had worked relatively well together for about three years. However, in the past nine months their relationship had grown progressively more contentious. Samir was under tremendous pressure to deliver numbers in a very challenging environment, and, in several instances, made promises to clients that Kaitlyn’s team simply could not reasonably meet. Kaitlyn asked Samir multiple times to please consult her about production and shipping schedules. She told me that she had bent over backward time and again to accommodate Samir, including paying employees for overtime, which hurt her budget.

One day, an important client received a shipment of goods that was 30 percent less than expected. Samir got a call from his irate customer who had been counting on those parts to fulfill one of his client’s orders. Kaitlyn was well aware of the partial shipment but had purposely kept that information from Samir. She felt that enough was enough, and this was the only way to teach him a lesson and get him to start respecting her and her needs. Surprise, surprise, Kaitlyn and Samir’s relationship continued to deteriorate and the customer took his business elsewhere.

Organizational Values and Culture

When it comes to healthy relationships and conversations, there is one important topic that never seems to get attention, namely, the role of an organization’s core values and culture.

Corporate values are intended to drive the behaviors and attitudes that comprise a company’s culture, which then reinforces the values over time. For example, if a company wishes to promote a culture of collaboration, then teamwork would likely be a core value. If you want a culture in which team members deal with conflict in a straightforward and respectful manner, then you need core values that hold people accountable to such behaviors. Unfortunately, what is quite simple in theory often does not work well in practice. In reality, an organization’s culture can be a far cry from its core values, and often for the worse.

There are three primary reasons why core values do not have greater influence on organizational culture. First, they tend not to be well defined. For example, a company that identifies “respect” as a core value might describe it as “Respect for our team members and our customers.” That sounds nice but is extremely vague. It is difficult to hold people accountable to nebulous statements. Core values should have clear behaviors associated with them. Continuing to use respect as the example, take a few moments and jot down some behaviors associated with demonstrating this value in the workplace. How did you do? Did you write down any of the following?

   Always be on time for meetings and come fully prepared.

   Ask the person who tends to say the least in a meeting to share her thoughts first.

   Respond quickly to messages.

   Give clear feedback in a supportive and constructive manner.

   Give colleagues as much advance notice as possible when you will need something from them.

Many people find this exercise quite challenging. Over the years, I have developed a list of 100-plus behaviors associated with fostering a respectful and collaborative workplace environment. (If you are interested in receiving this list, email me at: Paul@PaulMarciano.com.)

The second reason that core values do not have much impact on culture is that they are hardly ever referenced or reinforced beyond the employee handbook, company website, and a few posters. Core values should be splashed everywhere. Every company’s internal communication and marketing department should have a strategy that promotes its core values. Whenever I walk into a client’s office for the first time, I immediately search for where their values are posted. Ideally, it begins with them prominently displayed in the reception area. If I were to walk into your company, how long would it take me to discover your corporate values? Not to embarrass you, but do you even know them? Sadly, most employees in most companies do not.

Third, even when the core values are well known and understood, it is the exceptional organization where employees are actually held accountable to them. Huber is one such company. Founded in 1883, Huber considers four principles the bedrock of its organization: Respect for People, Ethical Behavior, Excellence, and Environmental, Health, Safety, and Sustainability. As should be the case in all organizations, these values are incorporated into employees’ performance reviews. All leaders are expected to serve as role models and are held accountable for being so. If you do not live by the Huber principles, then you do not work at Huber. If you are interested in having a company that spans three centuries, pay attention to your values and principles, and hold people responsible to living them.

Shin and Madison were department managers whose organization touted “collaboration” and “respect” as core values. It said so on the website. Unfortunately, Shin and Madison apparently had not been on the website for months because their behavior ran quite counter to these values. They continually spoke poorly about one another, pointed fingers, exhibited passive-aggressive behavior such as not responding to emails, publicly argued, criticized the work and suggestions of the other, and even attacked each other’s character. They were role models for how to devalue one another and their organization’s values.

In speaking with their boss, Nia, I asked why she had allowed such behavior to continue. She responded, “I’ve talked to them several times, and they seem to get better for a while. They are effective managers, and, honestly, I really don’t want to lose either of them.” I replied, “But you’re OK with potentially losing your company’s values?” In general, managers often tolerate poor behavior because, in their minds, it is an either/or proposition: they either allow employees to act as they are, or risk losing them. This is a false premise intended to rationalize avoiding doing one’s job and dealing with the situation. It is my sincerest hope that this book will help managers address instances in which employee behavior is compromising their company’s values. Core values must be nonnegotiable.

SUMMARY

As you can see, conflict between two people can have a widespread impact on other team members, customers, and the organization. I view avoiding difficult conversations as selfish and irresponsible because it detracts from employees’ ability to fulfill their company’s mission. Choosing not to communicate or collaborate with a team member is unacceptable because it limits your effectiveness and that of your coworkers. Do the right thing and be committed to having a healthy conversation and restoring respect to the relationship. Not only will this make you feel empowered and decrease the stress in your life, but it will also have positive benefits on your fellow team members and your company as a whole.

UP NEXT

Most of us are aware we have biases that impact how we view others and the world. Unfortunately, most people do not know the extent to which unconscious biases affect our relationships. The next chapter may be very eye-opening. Please avoid becoming defensive or pretending that you are not biased. Instead, work to understand the impact of your biases and seek to overcome them.

ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD

1.   Think about conversations you are currently avoiding or have avoided in the past and the negative impact doing so has had on you, the other person, your team, your customers, and the overall organization. In light of your responses, do you still think that ignoring a problem and holding a grudge with a colleague is in anyone’s best interest? Or do you think it might be selfish and unprofessional behavior? If it were your company, would it be OK with you to have two employees refuse to work together?

2.   When it comes to clearly tying behaviors to core values, how would you rate your organization? If the answer is “Not so well,” then begin by forming a cross-functional team to identify the desired behaviors that go along with each value. Then think about what a team member would be saying and doing to reinforce the value.