CHAPTER 6

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Nonverbal communication refers to the transmission of information apart from spoken words, and includes facial expressions, gestures, personal space, and tone of voice. While nonverbal communication is a critical component of how we send and interpret messages, the oft-cited statistic that 93 percent of communication is nonverbal (55 percent is attributed to body language and 38 percent to vocal qualities) is, quite frankly, absurd. This myth arose out of research conducted in the 1960s by Professor Albert Mehrabian at UCLA, which included two very limited studies in which subjects were asked to interpret emotions behind single, spoken words and guess a woman’s emotion from a photograph. In the words of Philip Yaffe, “There are certain ‘truths’ that are prima facie false. And this [the 7 percent rule] is one of them.”* Nonverbal communication matters, and in some situations matters a lot, but to say that only 7 percent of communication is derived from the spoken word is simply untrue.

We use nonverbal cues to express meaning beyond words alone, and sometimes in place of them. To make a point emphatically, we might raise our arms and move our hands in cadence with our voice. We might look down when we say something sad or shrug our shoulders when we are unable to answer a question. If we are upset, we might point our finger at someone, raise our voice, stare intently, or crowd someone else’s physical space. Of course, these nonverbal cues must be interpreted with an understanding of our relationship with the other person and the context of the conversation. Relationship history bias plays a significant role when it comes to how we interpret others’ nonverbal cues. For example, if we have historically disagreed with someone, we might interpret a certain facial expression as a frown that might register as neutral if a friend were to make the same expression.

Accurately interpreting and using nonverbal communication is a skill that can be honed and practiced. You can imagine how useful such a skill would be during a difficult conversation; being able to detect when people’s spoken language does not match their nonverbal messaging is critical to understanding a conversation’s full context. People with high levels of emotional intelligence (EQ) are most likely to pick up on these cues, though this chapter will help you interpret, understand, and use nonverbal communication even if your EQ is not particularly high. As you read, think about your own nonverbal communication style and how it influences others’ interpretation of what you say, especially during difficult conversations.

Facial Expressions

The seminal research on facial expressions was conducted in the 1960s by American psychologist Paul Ekman, who identified six basic human emotions: anger, fear, disgust, happiness, sadness, and surprise. However, more recent research suggests that these basic emotions can be combined to create an additional 16 distinct expressions.* For example, imagine a friend walking into a surprise birthday party. Hopefully, her face will tell you that she is both surprised and happy. Our facial expressions are readily and, often, accurately assessed by others. It is important to be cognizant of the faces that we naturally make when we are upset or angry, so that we might control them to avoid escalating conflict during a contentious conversation. For example, if someone says something with which you strongly disagree, it would be much more productive to put on a curious face rather than a critical, are-you-kidding-me face. (While not an empirically validated expression, I am guessing you have seen that one before.)

Of course, in addition to assessing facial expressions, we get all kinds of information from discrete facial regions, primarily from the eyes. Imagine someone staring at you intently. Depending on the person, the situation, and your state of mind, such a gaze may be construed as intimate or hostile. What does it mean when you are talking and someone turns his eyes away from you? Do you interpret such behavior as indicative of rudeness, boredom, shyness, disinterest, or disrespect? If we are in an argument and the other person looks down, does that mean that we have “won”? Does it mean anything at all? We break eye contact for many reasons, including when we process information, recall an incident, attempt to figure out how to respond to a question, or try to remember the name of that new intern. Whenever we begin thinking about such issues that require our focus, we shift our gaze away from the other person. Additionally, breaking eye contact is a cultural norm in Western society.

What meanings do we assign to raised eyebrows, blinking, squinting, tearing, or shifting eyes; pursed, upturned, or downturned lips; or the crinkling of a nose? Do we construe these as expressions of curiosity, sadness, surprise, guilt, anger, upset, or agreement? And what do we do with information that we have processed instantly and unconsciously? How does it influence our feelings, thoughts, and actions? Does it lead us to behave in a manner that fosters collaboration or fuels conflict? What if our read is totally off? The speaker may have meant one thing and our biases had us interpret something entirely differently. The point of these questions is to make you consider all the stories we make up based on relatively minor facial expressions and the tremendous influence they can have on the course and outcome of a critical conversation. My strong advice when we do not know what other people are thinking, especially when verbal and nonverbal behavior do not seem aligned, is to ask them. For example, we might say, “Did I say something to upset you?” or “I’m wondering what you’re thinking,” or “Did you have a comment?” Choosing to interpret subtle signs and speculate about another’s thoughts may make for an interesting game, but certainly does not make for healthy conversations.

There are, of course, micro-expressions that can communicate a more positive, curious, and happy attitude toward the other person and discussion. Facial expressions consistent with such feelings include a relaxed jaw, cheeks raised in a smile, the corners of lips drawn, crow’s feet near the outside of the eyes, and wrinkles that run from the outer nose to the outer lip.* Once you become aware of such expressions, you can work to control them. In the words of Charles Darwin, “Every true or inherited movement of expression seems to have had some natural and independent origin. But when once acquired, such movements may be voluntarily and consciously employed as a means of communication.”^† In addition to being able to control your own expressions, you will also become more attuned to those of others. Coupled together, these two skills will make you a more sensitive, active listener.

What is the impact of someone who exhibits very limited facial expressions? Having a poker face is great when you are playing poker, but not so desirable when you are speaking with a colleague or direct report. As human beings, we have a desperate need to know what others are thinking, and it is actually quite unnerving to see no emotion on a person’s face. When people do not say anything with their verbal or nonverbal behavior, we, unfortunately, tend to imagine them having negative and critical thoughts. Managers who exhibit little emotion and are also not verbally expressive can cause considerable angst for their direct reports. In general, the less feedback a manager gives employees, the more anxiety it causes because they are unsure where they stand. The old-school, if-you-don’t-hear-from-me-everything-is-fine management approach is particularly ineffective and demotivating for younger generation employees who expect regular feedback; when they do not hear from their boss they are likely to believe that they are not doing well. If you are someone who displays little emotion, it is important that you share your thoughts and feelings with others, either verbally or in writing, so that they do not end up scratching their heads and making up stories.

My client Alex was a very successful IT executive whom I had the pleasure of coaching. What makes Alex’s story so relevant to this chapter is that he is legally blind. As is common, I began the engagement by conducting a 360-degree assessment, and the results were very revealing. Obviously, Alex did not have access to others’ nonverbal communication; however, what I did not anticipate was how the lack of awareness of his own nonverbal behavior impacted others.

Alex was the opposite of poker-faced. His facial expressions clearly communicated—often in an exaggerated fashion—exactly what he thought and felt. In most cases, this was perfectly fine, but there were situations when maintaining a more neutral expression would have been desirable. For example, during a brainstorming session, he was obviously critical of certain ideas and more favorable toward others. And he could really get himself into trouble if he verbally supported an idea, but his nonverbal behavior suggested otherwise. Over time, Alex learned how to regulate his facial expressions and align them with his words, which reduced others’ experience of mixed messages and led to more open discussions.

Gestures

Hand gestures are common in all cultures and an expedient means of communicating one’s feelings and thoughts. Well-known examples include fingers in a “V” peace sign, crossed fingers for good luck, a thumbs-up, and a raised fist of victory. (Readers familiar with the Star Trek series will remember Spock’s famous Vulcan live-long-and-prosper hand gesture.) Some cultures are very well known for utilizing gestures. For example, Italians are famous for talking with their hands. However, the meaning of a hand gesture can differ significantly from culture to culture. A notorious example is that of President Nixon who, on a visit to Brazil, enthusiastically greeted a waiting crowd with what Americans would recognize as an A-OK sign (touch forefinger to thumb and point the three remaining digits upward). Unfortunately, such a gesture in the Brazilian culture is akin to giving the middle finger in America. Obviously, it is quite important for those who work in multinational organizations to become educated in the meanings of gestures across cultures. While gestures may not play a large role in business communication and difficult conversations, we can imagine that a friendly gesture such as a thumbs-up or a wave hello or goodbye would be viewed in a positive and collaborative light.

Body Language and Posture

Like facial expressions, our body language supplements our words. How we position our bodies can reveal how we feel and what we think, but it can also mean nothing at all. We tend not to give a lot of thought to how we sit, stand, or position our arms, but other people may attribute significant meaning to what they believe our body language communicates, whether consciously or unconsciously. What does it mean when people slump in their chair? Does it mean they are tired or disinterested? Perhaps they are embarrassed and trying to avoid eye contact, or they lack self-confidence. Maybe doing so feels better on their bad back. Or it could just be that they have poor posture. Bouncing knees, tapping fingers, crossed arms and legs, hands on hips, hands clasped in front or behind, palms open or closed—each contributes to our interpretation of another’s state of mind and has the potential to exacerbate or reduce conflict. While how we physically comport ourselves is largely unconscious, it can be helpful at times to be more intentional, especially during critical conversations.

You can use your body language to facilitate healthy conversations. Here are some tips for creating a sense of safety and openness:

   Keep your hands to yourself; do not touch the other person.

   Keep your hands by your side.

   Keep your arms and legs uncrossed.

   Avoid pointing your finger.

   Keep your palms open rather than fisted.

   Relax your shoulders.

   Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and pointed directly in front of you rather than spread wide and outward.

   Avoid quick, sudden movements.

   Avoid fidgeting and other expressions of energy, such as bouncing your knee or tapping your finger.

   Avoid leaning overly forward and crowding the other person’s physical space.

Another type of body language is mirroring, which refers to imitating the nonverbal behavior of others; it is parroting without words. Most of the time this is done unconsciously. However, it is an excellent technique to make people feel comfortable with you and leads to a feeling of connectedness. It creates a sense of familiarity and can help defuse a particularly difficult conversation. So, if you are having a conversation with someone who crosses her arms or legs, you may want to do so as well. When talking with someone who speaks quickly, you may want to increase your cadence. You may also mirror a person’s words, which is one reason that paraphrasing is so important in making people feel understood.

I once gave a workshop when, during a break, a participant approached me and said angrily, “I cannot believe I have to waste an entire afternoon listening to a talk about respect!” (Fortunately, I was forewarned that she was the reason for the class.) As I began to respond, she immediately cut me off and said, “You don’t even know what to say, do you? In fact, you are so defensive, you have your arms crossed!” To which I replied, “Actually, I find the room quite chilly.” After informing me that I was lying, she stormed off. One of the unfortunate realities is that such abrasive people instill fear in those around them, so that others are afraid to speak up, especially when that person is a department manager, as she was.

I want to encourage you to become self-aware of your body language and posture and how it might be interpreted by others, especially during an emotionally intense conversation. Imagine viewing yourself as an objective third party. In my experience, people can become more readily conscious of their body language than their facial expressions and thus are better able to make adjustments. I also suggest that you pay attention to others’ body language and what unconscious thoughts and feelings it triggers in you. For example, when the other person crosses her arms, is your interpretation that she is becoming defensive or defiant? How does your assessment affect your feelings, thoughts, and actions?

Body language is certainly not innocuous. While few will take me up on this suggestion, record a video of yourself in a meeting or giving a presentation and review it with the sound turned off. (Several online meeting video platforms make this quite simple.) As you review the video, try to imagine that you are looking at somebody else. Does this person look engaged? Curious? Bored? Preoccupied? Anxious? Do any movements or expressions suggest conflict or aggression? Do these physical expressions match your internal thoughts and feelings at the time? After assessing your body 71language, consider if you might make any adjustments in how you come across. If you are unable to film yourself at work, even a homemade video with family and friends in a social setting can be
instructive.

Physical Distance

Physical distance, also known as the study of proxemics, can dramatically escalate conflict. During an emotionally charged conversation, closeness suggests aggression and an attempt to dominate or overwhelm another person. An exaggerated but clear-cut example is that of boxers who go nose-to-nose during prefight press conferences. In contrast, when we are trying to avoid conflict or are preparing ourselves for flight, we will stand farther apart than our cultural norms—about four feet for Americans and two to three feet for Europeans. Sadly, due to COVID-19, we are all well aware that social distancing requires us to stand six feet apart. Of course, being physically close to another may also be indicative of friendship and feelings of affection.

Obviously, be very aware of encroaching on others’ physical space. If you perceive someone is at all nervous or anxious, keep farther away than usual. Be sensitive to an individual who is trying to create more distance and be careful not to unconsciously step or lean forward to close the gap. It is important to know how to deal with situations in which someone is trying to use physical proximity for the purpose of intimidation. While the tactic of “standing your ground” is certainly an option, it may also intensify an already fraught situation. If you are standing, simply sitting down can diminish emotions because it creates separation and leads to a less rigid and more relaxed posture; hopefully, the other person will sit as well. You might have noticed that it is much easier to get animated and energized from a standing position. In fact, it is when we become excitable that we stand up.

If sitting down is not an option or does not have the desired effect, I suggest creating separation by simply stepping away. If you do and the person moves closer, say, “I ask that you respect my personal space and take a step back.” If the person refuses to honor your request, then remove yourself from the situation by saying, “I am going to walk away now. Please respect my decision to do so.” In any of these scenarios, do your best to keep your composure in order to limit the likelihood of further aggressive behavior.

Vocal Qualities

The vocal qualities of our speech, such as volume, cadence, pitch, and tone, all play a critical role in how we send and receive messages. This field of study is known as paralinguistics. When we modulate what we say, we inject emphasis and emotion, and influence how the listener hears and interprets our message. Of course, what we intend to communicate and how it is perceived by our listener may be quite different, especially during emotionally heightened conversations. For example, it would be easy to construe the words, “Yeah, right” as either accusatory or confirmatory. Or imagine saying, “I’m running out of options here,” and your colleague responds, “Really.” Did you hear, “Really.” “Really?” or “Really!” Even expressed in the form of a question, the reply may come across as either sincere or sarcastic, and depending on our interpretation, our response would likely be dramatically different.

When it comes to how we say things, our emotions typically give us away. Obviously, this is only of concern under certain instances. When we are happy and excited, the pitch, cadence, and volume of our voice naturally increase. I have never won a lottery or even a raffle, but screaming seems completely fitting in such a situation. (Remember, context matters.) Screaming in a business environment, of course, is never appropriate. Human beings are quite good at recognizing an angry tone of voice, which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. When we get angry, our volume and cadence typically increase. However, for some, it will produce the opposite effect. (When my father got particularly angry, he would speak more slowly and softly, but his tone made his emotion unequivocal.)

We have probably all raised our voices in anger and wished later that we had not done so. As humans, we very much want to stay in control of our emotions. Apologizing is always appropriate in such instances. It is perhaps the only, and unquestionably most efficient, way to get a relationship and conversation back on track. There are times when, based on someone’s reaction, we realize that what we said did not come across as we had intended. For example, I may want to give a team member some constructive feedback on her presentation, but after I do so she says, “Why do you have to be so critical of everything I do?!” I intended my comments to be helpful, but they came across as belittling. To make matters worse, my knee-jerk response might increase tension—for example, “What is wrong with you? All I’m trying to do is help!” Communication can go from constructive to destructive in a hurry!

Written Word

While we may not have to worry about nonverbal communication issues with the written word, we continually infuse meaning into what we read, from a text message to the text of the Constitution. In general, the shorter the communication, the more prone we are to read into it, and to do so inaccurately (simple responses such as “yes” or “seven o’clock” aside). The less context we have, the more ambiguous the message. And, depending on our relationship history, we may very much misconstrue the intentions of the sender. Imagine your boss texting you, “What did you get done today?” Did this come across as accusatory, caring, or micromanaging? So many of our unconscious biases come into play when we try to decode even a simple message. Again, one of the most important tips that I can give you is if you find yourself thinking, I wonder what she means by that, ask her!

In addition to the actual words, punctuation matters a lot. “I love cooking my family and my cat” is way different than, “I love cooking, my family, and my cat.” It is interesting to consider from a generational perspective the varied use of punctuation. For example, younger employees may view periods at the end of text messages as foreboding or a sign of anger, while older generations may view this simply as grammatically correct. (Many members of the younger generation view punctuation as optional!) How one begins (salutation) or signs off (valediction) on a correspondence can have an interesting impact on some people. For example, I have a European colleague who finds the lack of a formal salutation and valediction quite rude. Personally, I feel that both should be included in professional correspondences. Is it too much to write (not automate), “Regards, Paul”?

Underlining, italicizing, boldfacing, highlighting, and capitalizing words create all kinds of emotion, especially in brief communications such as text messages. Quite frankly, I find emphasizing words in this way largely unnecessary, often irritating, and at times responsible for increasing conflict way more than resolving it. (I am not even going to touch on emojis.) Despite my aversion to stating the painfully obvious, DO NOT HAVE EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CONVERSATIONS OVER EMAIL OR TEXT!!! In the spirit of promoting healthy written conversations, use correct grammar and punctuation, provide context, be concise, and use simple, clear, and straightforward language.

SUMMARY

Are you feeling self-conscious after reading this chapter? After I wrote it, I could not have a discussion without imagining how I came across to others. I did not even want to look in the mirror! Given that your expressions, posture, and distance from others contribute to escalating or defusing conflict situations, becoming aware of your nonverbal behavior is clearly important. Whenever you are in an emotionally fraught situation, the most important thing you can do is remain calm and composed—both verbally and nonverbally. Do not say or do anything that would indicate your upset or potentially serve to rile up the other person. Also, in general, make sure that your verbal and nonverbal communication align with one another.

UP NEXT

In the next chapter we will take a look at specific words, phrases, and expressions that can lead to confrontation or turn an intense conversation into a collaborative one.

ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD

1.   Think about your last heated conversation. How did you respond in terms of your nonverbal communication? Do you think it helped to quell the exchange or intensify it? How could you have acted differently?

2.   How should you deal with situations in which another person’s nonverbal cues are triggering you and causing an escalation?

3.   Prior to a particularly difficult conversation, consider practicing in the mirror and pay particular attention to how your nonverbal communication might be interpreted by the other.

4.   Ask a colleague who was present during a tense conversation for feedback about your body language and tone of voice. Did you remain composed and professional?

* P. Yaffe, “The 7% Rule: Fact, Fiction, or Misunderstanding,” Ubiquity, October 2011, p. 3.

* S. Du, Y. Tao, and A. M. Martinez, Compound Facial Expressions of Emotion, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, first published March 31, 2014, https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1322355111.

* V. V. Edwards, “The Definitive Guide to Reading Microexpressions (Facial Expressions),” Science of People, June 10, 2020, https://www.scienceofpeople.com/microexpressions/.

† M. Bates and P. S. Humphrey, Charles Darwin: An Anthology (Transaction Publishers, 2009), p. 395.