Let’s Talk About It: Turning Confrontation into Collaboration at Work

CHAPTER 8 PUSH-BUTTON MANAGEMENT

We all have push buttons—words and actions that trigger strong negative emotions. You may have recognized some of your own in the last chapter. In fact, sometimes all it takes is seeing a particular person’s name on an email or a text to trigger these emotions, without having even read it! General examples of push buttons include being lied to or taken advantage of, someone turning and walking away during a conversation, being criticized, having your character questioned, having information withheld from you, having someone take credit for your work, or being told you are unqualified for an assignment. When confronted with such situations, you likely react without much thought, including any consideration for the consequences of your actions. In fact, a common experience in these situations is feeling out of control. This chapter will teach you specific cognitive and behavioral strategies that will help you maintain your composure during contentious
interactions.

Identifying Your Personal Push Buttons

As with unconscious biases, the first step in dealing with push buttons is to identify them. Once identified, you can recognize them in real time and say to yourself, “Wait. This is a push button for me, and I know how to deal with it.” As a rough analogy, imagine driving your car and suddenly coming upon a patch of black ice. While you may not be able to avoid it, you can use the skills you have developed to negotiate it effectively. The same is true when faced with “icy” interpersonal circumstances. Take a moment and think about some of the things people say or do that cause you to see red. In the spaces that follow, write down examples of your own push buttons and the feelings associated with them. An example is provided.

As you look over this list, do you notice a common theme? Where you have listed your feelings, how often did the word “disrespected” show up? For many, feeling disrespected is a major push button. Mutual respect is necessary for relationships to work, however you define or measure it. In my first book, Carrots and Sticks Don’t Work, I presented the thesis that respect drives employee engagement. I could hardly have imagined that the book would end up being translated into numerous languages, sold around the world, and appear on multiple lists as one of the most important human resource books of all time. Its success is a testament to the power of respect, and while the definition of respect and its behavioral manifestations vary from culture to culture, there is no doubt of its importance to all people. In the words of the great Jackie Robinson: “I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me. All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” Because disrespect is such a significant trigger and contributing factor to escalating conflict, I want to dive a little deeper into the significance of respect in our lives.

Why Respect Matters

Respect is related to survival. To gain some perspective on this thesis, let’s take a look at various historical examples of respect. Consider the following: until the late 1800s, it was perfectly acceptable to challenge a rival to a duel, typically to defend one’s honor after feeling disrespected. As many of us know, one of the most notorious duels was between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton. While the two men had a history of political rivalry, the literal triggering event was a derogatory comment Hamilton reportedly made toward Burr at a dinner party, which was subsequently reported in a local newspaper. As a result of this assault on his character and Hamilton’s unwillingness to make amends, Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel that occurred on July 11, 1804, on a cliff in Weehawken, New Jersey. Hamilton was mortally wounded at the same site where his eldest son, Philip, was killed in a duel three years prior. These incredibly erudite and accomplished men were willing to kill or be killed over an issue of public disrespect. Can you imagine if social media had been around 200 years ago?!

Gang members kill one another explicitly over the issue of respect. Their currency includes their colors, turf, and reputation. In this culture, if you get “dissed” (disrespected), you have no choice but to challenge the other to a “duel.” And of course, prison inmates will confront one another in order to gain respect. Consider the following quote given during an interview with convicted felon Oluwasegun Akinsanya: “The other prisoners mostly left me alone, because my charge, second-degree murder, gave me a certain amount of respect.”* To allow oneself to be disrespected would be considered weak, which equates to being vulnerable.

On a larger scale, respect for human rights often plays a role in revolutions and wars, including the American Revolution, Civil War, and more recently the Velvet Revolution in 1989, during which Czechoslovakia extricated itself from the oppression of communist rule. A pointed geopolitical example is that of the nuclear arms reduction talks between the United States and Iran in 2018. In the words of Mohammad Javad Zarif, the Iranian minister of foreign affairs, “Mutual trust is not a requirement to start negotiations—mutual respect is a requirement.”^†

The relationship between respect and life and death can also be viewed, unfortunately, in the context of one taking his or her own life. Throughout Japan’s history, suicide has been viewed as a means for restoring honor or respect by atoning for wrongdoing. When defeated in battle, samurai would often commit suicide to preserve their honor. Even more extreme is the concept of “honor killings,” in which a person may feel it his responsibility to kill a family member who has brought dishonor upon the family. In other cultures, including that of the United States, one might view suicide as the ultimate form of self-loathing and self-disrespect. Whether it is on the individual, gang, national, or global level, respect is a matter of life and death.

Let’s get back to the workplace. Why do you think it matters so much to be respected by your colleagues? It matters because when we are respected we are viewed as having value, which translates into security. People whose contributions are valued tend to get promoted, not fired. Respect also equates to influence and power. If you think about the people you respect the most, you will likely also find that they have had the greatest influence on you and, typically, vice versa. The more respected we are at work, the more likely we are to be put into leadership positions and the greater influence we will exert on the organization and others.

The highly undesirable experience of being disrespected can arise from a number of situations, such as when we feel excluded from conversations and passed over for promotions, or when we feel information is being withheld, our contributions are being minimized, we are being taken advantage of, and/or our opinions ignored. In these circumstances, we become unsure and insecure about our position and place within our organization. Words and actions that we interpret as disrespectful and devaluing make us feel vulnerable and activate our sympathetic nervous system. In survival mode, we are more likely to aggressively defend our positions and seek to prove others wrong. And while collaboration might be the goal, we enter into a mindset that paints others as opponents and leads us to gear up for confrontation instead. In such a mindset, if the other person were to extend an olive branch, it would just look like a stick.

By the way, did you ever notice that the same people (or person) and same issues get us stirred up time and again? We know who and what triggers us, yet we persist in allowing ourselves to get angry and upset. The same story plays itself out with the same ending, just like Charlie Brown running at the football and Lucy pulling it away—every time. Charlie Brown gets mad at Lucy for doing what she always does. Will we ever learn?

My good friend John’s work nemesis is Fiona. As with any good friend, he calls me when he needs to blow off steam. “Paul, let me tell you what Fiona did today. . . . Can you freaking believe it?” While I would normally just listen and commiserate, one day I responded, “Actually, yes. It seems that Fiona has been doing some version of that for years. What I can’t understand is why it seems to keep surprising and bothering you so much.” Though it has taken him a while, when issues now arise, he thinks to himself, “Fiona is just being Fiona. How else would she act?” Do you have a Fiona in your life? As we will discuss in the next chapter, with effort and intention, you will be able to alter your mindset and how you think about and respond
to others.

Owning Your Emotions and Reactions

When someone pushes your buttons, how do you usually react? Do you tend to get defensive, passive-aggressive, or even aggressive? Do you raise your voice, embarrass the person on an email chain, “forget” to include her on a meeting invite, gossip, withhold information, or, worse, provide misleading information? Do you take the time to fully consider the impact of your reactions, including how others might view you in light of them? Your automatic response can reflect poorly on you, especially when your reaction is overt and public, such as speaking negatively about the person with colleagues.

Have you ever said or done anything that you regretted? I know I have. In almost all cases, my thoughtless reaction exacerbated the tension. The more aware we are of our triggers, the more capable we are of controlling our emotions and reactions when confronted with them, and the less likely we are to say and do things that escalate conflict. Life is a lot easier when you can control your emotions independently of what others do or say. As my motorcycle-riding buddy Jack likes to say, you get to be “unmessable.”

Words only hurt if you let them. As the famous saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Whether you experience another’s words or actions as hurtful is entirely up to you. This is extremely important to understand and fully accept. No one can make you feel any way. To say that your boss made you angry or upset is disempowering, disingenuous, and a ploy to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings. Giving away your personal power by assigning blame and responsibility to someone for how you feel is also a good way to escalate conflict. For example, as much as we may be tempted to tell someone, “You’re driving me crazy!” do not do it, or you may get the response, “No, you’re driving yourself crazy because you know I’m right.” When it comes to quelling your emotions, the place to start is by taking full responsibility for them—whether you want to or not. If you fully own your feelings, then you control how you react to others regardless of what they say or do. This realization that you get to govern your emotions independent of others should leave you feeling inspired and empowered. Commit to taking responsibility for your emotions and actions in all situations.

People say they are committed to all kinds of things, like being healthier and more organized, saving money, and not procrastinating. In reality, we are committed to what we actually do and have in our lives. If you say that you are committed to quitting smoking and you keep smoking, well, then you are really committed to smoking. If you say that you are committed to not procrastinating but continue to leave important tasks until the last minute, you are clearly committed to procrastination. If you say that you are committed to having a collaborative relationship with a coworker but you continue to argue and speak poorly about her to others, you are actually committed to having an unprofessional and unhealthy relationship. Here is the deal: you get to declare commitment when your actions reliably align with your intentions. For example, you are committed to being a person of integrity when you are honest and keep your word at all times under all circumstances. You do not get to pick and choose when you feel like acting with integrity. You are either in or out.

So, are you committed to taking 100 percent responsibility for your emotions, no matter what others say and do? Or do you choose to give your power away and let other people push your buttons? If so, then feel free to react however you like during disagreements with coworkers—be as unprofessional as you want. And why not? You get to blame the other person for your inappropriate words and actions instead of holding yourself accountable. Go ahead, use some of that push-button language we talked about in the previous chapter and fuel the conflict. Because, after all, that is the only way to respond to such a stubborn and egocentric colleague! The reality is that you get to choose how you respond in any situation. You are not some puppet attached to strings that others get to manipulate. Do not say that someone “yanks your chain,” when doing so is simply not possible as a matter of reality.

If you choose to be committed to owning your thoughts and feelings and how you respond to others, then you need to make sure that your behavior is in alignment. This means that when someone says, “Do you even know what you’re talking about?” or denigrates you behind your back, or constantly cuts you off in meetings, or any number of other comments or actions that normally have you seeing red, that you breathe deeply and respond professionally. It does not mean that you allow others to continue their bad behavior without addressing it. It means that you will handle the situation in a manner that honors your commitment and promotes a healthy relationship, not continued conflict. If a colleague begins to raise his voice or criticize your ideas, instead of getting upset and retaliating, respond in a calm, respectful, and straightforward manner.

When trying to change behavior, especially in the maelstrom of strong emotions, it is important to develop a prompt, at least initially. It can be as simple as writing, “I am committed to taking full responsibility for my thoughts, emotions, and reactions” on a sticky note. I suggest posting it on your mirror or refrigerator and reading it each morning. Also, reference your prompt before you have what you fear might be an untoward conversation or interaction with a colleague who has traditionally caused you angst. To increase your accountability, share your pledge with a trusted friend or colleague and ask her to bring it to your attention when you are acting otherwise.

If you really want to make a difference, speak to the person with whom you tend to have the most tension and say something along the lines of, “I know in the past I have tended to argue with you and become upset when we disagree. I want to apologize for acting that way and to let you know I am committed to remaining calm and fully professional whenever we speak. I would like to ask that if you feel I am acting otherwise you bring it to my attention.” Or you might choose to say, “I want to acknowledge and apologize for not always having fully listened to your perspective in the past. I am committing to doing so going forward, and if you don’t feel that I am, please tell me.” What might be the impact on a coworker if you said such things? What would be the impact on you? In a matter of seconds, you can completely change the narrative of a relationship. It really is that simple. This is incredibly empowering and obviates feeling like you are at the mercy of another’s actions.

Meditation: Calming the Chatter

I imagine you are familiar with the idea of losing your breath. This typically happens under extreme emotional conditions—both good and bad—such as a surprise marriage proposal (which I made during the writing of this book) or a near car accident. Although typically not as extreme as these examples, when any type of conflict arises, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in and triggers a cascade of stress hormones. This in turn leads to physiological responses such as shallow and rapid breathing, dilated pupils, and an increase in heart rate and blood pressure. With our body in survival mode, we react instinctively and without rational consideration of the facts, circumstances, options, or impact of our actions.

When you get triggered, it may feel like an emotional wave washing over you. However, unlike when you are in the ocean, do not hold your breath! One of the best and most powerful ways we can calm our minds and limit the activation of our sympathetic nervous system is through controlled breathing. As you may well know, the practice of meditation has a host of psychological, emotional, and physical benefits, including a reduction in stress and anxiety. There are several different forms of meditation, including transcendental, visualization, and mindfulness, that I will review at a very high level and encourage you to learn more about, should you find them beneficial. These techniques can be instrumental in helping to increase your sense of calm and decrease the likelihood that your sympathetic nervous system will activate when you feel emotionally triggered. (For the record, I practice meditation but am no practitioner. If you are interested in learning more, a good place to start is with the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn.)

Transcendental Meditation

Transcendental meditation, also known as TM, was developed by the Indian guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in the 1950s. This type of meditation involves the use of a mantra and is typically practiced twice daily for 20 minutes in a seated position with eyes closed. Mantras can be sounds, words, phrases, or even a poem or saying, such as the Lord’s Prayer. In very general terms, whatever mantra you choose should resonate with you in a positive, peaceful, and life-affirming way. Put simply, it should make you feel good. During the 20-minute practice, the mantra is repeated over and over again while breathing in deeply. Typically, the mantra is said silently, however, it can also be verbalized and even chanted. Each syllable and word can be accentuated to increase focus and attention. Let’s give it a try:

1. Identify a mantra that might work for you. There are lots of examples online. If you do not know where to begin, try a very simple one such as, “I am calm.”

2. Find a quiet, peaceful place as free from distraction as possible.

3. Sit comfortably with your back straight and shoulders relaxed.

4. Gently close your eyes.

5. Set an intention, for example, to calm your mind or generate self-compassion.

6. Begin breathing slowly and deeply in and out through your nose. Remain focused on your breath and the sensation of air entering your body and filling your lungs.

7. Fully exhale and allow the air to leave your body. Exert no effort. Seek to be fully and solely present to the experience and sensations. As extraneous thoughts enter your mind, merely acknowledge their existence, and gently return to a focus on your breath. Do not judge yourself. Do not allow yourself to think that you are “good” or “bad” at this practice; you are neither. You just are.

8. Breathe deeply and gently for a few minutes, and when you feel a sense of relaxation and calmness, introduce the mantra during your inhale. Take the time that you need; you should not feel rushed or pressured in any way. Consider that you have taken millions of breaths without effort throughout your life.

9. In total, practice this exercise for 20 minutes. If this seems too long for you, start with five minutes, and work your way toward longer periods of time. So that you do not have to worry about keeping track of the minutes, you may want to set a timer on your phone. If you are able, make the alarm a gentle sound, such as chimes or chirping birds. Obviously, put your phone on silent and keep it out of sight during the meditation.

10. When you have finished, slowly open your eyes and remain seated and calm for another minute or two before rising. Complete this exercise two to three times a day, including prior to engaging in what you believe will be a stressful interaction.

Visualization

The general practice of visualization is extremely well studied and effective in enhancing performance across many situations. As the name might suggest, this practice involves visualizing success under various conditions and is used by many professional athletes. For example, Olympic skier and gold medalist Lindsey Vonn said that by the time she gets to the gate to begin a race, she has already run it 100 times in her head, including the breathing patterns she will use and how she will shift her weight during the race.*

In the workplace, you might use visualization in preparation for an important presentation by vividly imagining walking into the conference room, confidently going through the presentation, effectively answering questions, and then receiving praise from participants after the meeting. Obviously, like Vonn, you would practice being successful by playing this scenario out many times in your mind.

In terms of applying visualization to difficult conversations, imagine going through the whole interaction from first word to last. Throughout, use deep breathing to help you remain calm and focused. In addition to using this form of meditation on future experiences, I also find it helpful to visualize past experiences in which I may have become emotionally triggered and did not handle myself as I wish I had. I rework these experiences in my mind until I imagine having been calm during them. I find that if I do so over and over, I can remove the sting of that memory, feel better about the experience, and be more prepared for similar situations moving
forward.

Mindfulness

While visualization and transcendental meditation are quite planned, mindfulness can be practiced at any time, under any circumstance. Put simply, it is the act of bringing your attention to the present moment and doing so from an emotionless, detached perspective. It is as though you are a spectator simply viewing a scene without judgment. For example, imagine being berated by your manager and instead of becoming angry and upset, simply observe what is happening; notice that you are standing in place while looking at your boss who is speaking in a raised voice. He is blaming you for losing a deal because you did not follow up promptly with a potential client. You continue to breathe deeply and remain calm, refraining from making judgments about yourself, your boss, or the situation. When practicing mindfulness in such a situation, you are better able to think clearly and strategically and respond in a manner that will likely decrease the other’s agitated state. As with visualization, reenact this and similar scenarios over and over in your head. Consider that you are preparing for your own Olympic sport.

Decrease Your Stress

There are a variety of visual prompts that may help you remain calm under stressful circumstances. Pictures of loved ones, including pets, remind us of what is truly important and help keep situations in perspective. Memories of happy occasions and fun events, such as a vacation or playing softball with friends do the same. Quite frankly, anything that makes you smile is helpful. Aside from visual reminders, there are a whole host of other activities that can decrease your stress levels. Some people listen to calming music. Physical activity is another popular de-stressor; simply taking a walk outside can be extremely beneficial. Other potential ways to decrease stress include cooking, gardening, watching your favorite TV show or movie, playing with a pet, talking to a friend or family member, making art or crafting, journaling, or taking a nap. Perhaps there is a physical object that helps to ground you, such as a memento or keepsake from a loved one. Anything that helps you to relax, feel safe, and think clearly can make all the difference when you are faced with stressful conversations or situations. Find and write down the things that calm you. More importantly, do them!

Know When to Gain Time and Distance

The most critical first step when confronted with an emotionally charged situation is, if possible, to physically remove yourself from it. Take a time-out. My father served in the Air Force as a flight instructor. He taught young pilots that when something goes wrong, the first thing to do is to sit on your hands—not start pulling levers or pushing buttons. Rather, calm yourself, assess the situation, and consider your options.

Whenever you feel particularly triggered, especially when caught off guard, your best strategy is simply to remove yourself from the individual and situation. The physical distance need not be great; closing (not slamming) your office door may do the trick. Of course, turning off the video and “hanging up” during a conference call are easy solutions. Depending on the circumstances, the time-out may be entirely in your own head and last only a few seconds, or it may require several minutes or hours without interaction with the other person. (Longer than a day or two and you are practicing the silent treatment.) Not only does such a time-out give you the opportunity to calm down and plan the most constructive way to reengage with the person, but it also allows the other to do the same.

At times, when you are suddenly approached by a colleague who begins a conversation for which you are unprepared, it may be awkward or difficult to get that needed space. Here are a few simple phrases that may help you “get away”:

1. I’d really like to talk about this, but I’m running late to another meeting.

2. Obviously, this is important for us to discuss. When is good for you tomorrow?

3. I’m really glad that you brought this up. Let me check my calendar and send you a meeting invite.

4. Clearly, this is important for us to talk about. I’m just in the middle of something, and I want to make sure to give this matter the attention it deserves. How about we get together this afternoon when I can focus more clearly?

5. Wow, this is news to me. I’m going to need some more information before I can give you an answer.

6. Our colleague Sue needs to be brought into this conversation. Let me reach out to her and get back to you.

If the request to speak comes via email or text, do not feel compelled to respond immediately. In fact, if you feel compelled to do so, it is probably a good indication that you should wait!

SUMMARY

Healthy and productive conversations rely on us maintaining our cool. We all have emotional triggers; people are going to say and do things that increase our blood pressure. That is just the way it is. At the same time, we are not predetermined to experience upset and react with anger. You get to choose how you respond and who you are in the face of any situation with anyone. Regardless of how the conversation actually goes, keeping your composure in the face of emotional triggers may be an enormous victory over the past for you.

UP NEXT

When facing a difficult conversation, what is your mindset? Do you still dread the thought, or are you beginning to see it as an opportunity to build a more collaborative relationship? The mindset that you have going into and during a difficult conversation is critical to the outcome. Read the next chapter with an open mind!

ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD

1. What specifically makes you feel disrespected? How do you respond? What might you say to yourself in those moments that would prevent you from becoming triggered?

2. Do you have a Fiona in your life? Someone who always seems to trigger you? What would it take for you not to react reflexively? How might you respond differently in the future?

3. Are there any areas of your life in which you say that you are committed but your actions tell a different story? If so, are you willing to fully commit? If yes, what will you do differently to bring your behavior in line with your word and ensure success?

4. You do not know if a strategy is going to be effective unless you give it a shot. If you have not tried meditation before, now is the time! Think about an experience in your past in which you let your emotions get the best of you. Then use breathing and visualization to imagine how you would choose to manage the situation now. Or take on a current issue and use meditation and visualization to set yourself and the other person up for a healthy conversation. Remember, in order to be successful, you must practice your visualizations many times.

* S. Akinsanya, “A History of Violence,” Toronto Life, January 21, 2016, https://torontolife.com/city/life/my-life-in-street-gangs/.

† K. Hjelmgaard, “Iran Open to Talks with US if Trump Changes Approach to Nuclear Deal, Top Diplomat Says,” USA Today, November 15, 2017, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2018/11/05/iran-united-states-president-donald-trump-nuclear-deal-foreign-minister-mohammad-javad-zarif/1859375002/.

* Anna Williams, “8 Successful People Who Use the Power of Visualization,” mbgmindfulness, March 2020, https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20630/8-successful-people-who-use-the-power-of-visualization.html.