INTRODUCTION

I hate conflict; I really do. However, I have come to realize that avoiding it does not serve me or anyone else well. When I choose to bite my tongue and stop myself from discussing an issue that concerns or upsets me, I invariably become frustrated and then resentful not just toward the other person, but also toward myself for being too much of a wimp to initiate a conversation. Instead, I usually end up complaining to others in hopes of gaining sympathy under the guise of garnering advice. Sometimes I let my anger build to the point of losing my cool, and I speak sharply to the other person, which, frankly, is terribly unfair, as she may have had no idea that I was even upset. After losing my temper, I end up feeling worse about the situation because I have now demonstrated to myself and others that I cannot control my emotions, let alone deal with the problem effectively. Ironically, when we have problems in our relationships, we often avoid talking about them, and in the process make things worse.

Over my 30-plus year career, I have seen a lot of conflict in the workplace and the damage it does to relationships, morale, and productivity when it goes unaddressed. Among the more egregious examples that still make me shake my head include the manager who refused to speak to his direct report for two years, an employee who was fired over text because his manager wanted to avoid conflict, and two colleagues who did not speak for four months because one failed to copy the other on an email. Obviously, most situations are more mundane and subtle; I bet that a few examples have already come to your mind. Can you imagine the total number of interpersonal conflict situations that exist in the workplace at any one time and the adverse impact they have on individuals and organizations? Just think about how distracting these conflicts are and how much time and energy they take to both address and avoid.

I have come to believe that much conflict in the workplace (and the world) could be resolved or prevented altogether if people were skilled at straightforward conversations. Have you ever avoided having a difficult conversation, the simple thought of which caused your blood pressure to rise and heart to race? Have you ever regretted not having a critical conversation sooner because, in the end, not doing so made the situation worse? Have you gotten frustrated with yourself for not having the courage to address a person or situation head-on? Can you imagine how your life might change for the better if you could deal directly and effectively with any conflict in your life? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, then you did yourself a favor by picking up this book.

Difficult Conversations

A difficult conversation is one we believe will evoke strong negative emotions and likely involve conflict. In our minds, the conversation may become unpredictable and unsafe as tensions rise. Or, we might find the topic of the discussion embarrassing, making us vulnerable in some way. We might have to deliver bad or disappointing news. Or we may simply want to ask a question to which we fear the answer will be “No.” In general, difficult conversations are those we anticipate will make us feel uncomfortable and may lead to a poor outcome. Examples of such situations include:

   Confronting a colleague who has taken credit for your work

   Discussing with a boss why you have been passed over for a promotion

   Furloughing or firing an employee

   Quitting

   Telling a coworker that he has bad breath or body odor

   Informing your supervisor about a costly mistake

   Notifying a customer that you cannot deliver what was promised

It is critical to realize that difficult conversations are difficult because we think they are. Conversations are not inherently good or bad, easy or difficult. They are so because we label them as such. If we say that something is “hard,” then it is hard. Our thoughts and words shape our reality; moreover, we believe that we are never wrong. The assignment you were given is unfair because you say it was unfair. Your boss is a jerk because you say she is a jerk. Your colleague is conniving because you say he is conniving. How we choose to label people and situations makes them that way.

The extent to which we view situations as potentially easy or difficult depends largely on how competent we feel in taking them on. For example, I will not drive in New York City because I believe it to be far too difficult and stressful. I do not feel competent in my driving skills to navigate the stop-and-go traffic. (I am also embarrassed to say that I never learned to parallel park.) On the other hand, I do not find public speaking hard, which some people fear more than death. In general, we experience stress whenever perceived environmental demands exceed our perceived internal resources. Thus, most people avoid engaging in what they believe would be a difficult conversation because the thought of doing so causes anxiety. But what if we changed our mindset from telling ourselves we must face a difficult conversation to believing we have the skills to engage in a healthy conversation?

Healthy Conversations

I find that highly successful people are very good at dealing with conflict. They address interpersonal problems quickly in a straightforward, calm, and respectful manner. There is no finger-pointing or drama, and the goal is not to make the other person feel bad or guilt him into apologizing. A productive conversation takes place in which both people speak and listen to one another. The issue often gets resolved promptly, and importantly, both people leave the interaction feeling complete and move on without resentment. In short, they have learned how to have healthy conversations.

You will read a whole chapter on helpful mindsets, but for now I would like you to reframe difficult conversations into healthy conversations. Just as people who are good at giving corrective feedback think in terms of “constructive” rather than “critical,” people who are good at dealing with conflict situations think of conversations in terms of “healthy” rather than “difficult.” Approaching conversations in this way can help decrease the likelihood of defensiveness (on either side) and emotional escalation. Such conversations are more effective and efficient, which is advantageous for the relationship and for workplace productivity. What makes for such a conversation? Healthy conversations are characterized by the following:

   A two-way flow of communication in which both people have the opportunity to fully express their views, opinions, concerns, and feelings in a safe environment without fear of retribution or other negative impact.

   Both people feel heard and understood.

   Communication is transparent and straightforward; there is no distortion or withholding of information.

   The conversation remains respectful and professional.

   Each person remains calm and composed.

A healthy conversation does not mean that everyone gets exactly what they want. Being happy or even satisfied with the outcome is not part of the deal. For example, imagine your boss asks you to take on work unfinished by a colleague. You are not happy and ask to discuss it. The conversation might have all the elements of a healthy one, but, in the end, you still have to take on the responsibilities. It was a healthy conversation—it just did not go the way you wanted.

What to Expect

The goal of this book is to make you comfortable, confident, and competent in addressing and resolving conflict through healthy conversations. As with my previous title, Carrots and Sticks Don’t Work, this book provides tangible and actionable strategies that will empower you to deal effectively with any workplace conflict. In this book you will learn about the unconscious cognitive biases that lead to systematic distortions in our thinking and how to deal with different personality types. You will discover the minefields and gold mines of language and learn specific communication strategies and techniques. Perhaps most importantly, you will find many anecdotes throughout the book and an entire appendix devoted to real-world scenarios and scripts to guide you through healthy conversations on your playing field. And while I certainly hope that you find this book an enjoyable and interesting read, my greatest hope is that it will make a difference in your life—both professionally and personally.

UP NEXT

In order to figure out how to address potentially difficult conversations, it is helpful to understand what triggers them in the first place. Let’s find out.

ON YOUR PLAYING FIELD

1.   Whom do you consider highly skilled in holding difficult conversations and resolving conflict? What does that person say and do that makes her so effective?

2.   How would you evaluate yourself in terms of your willingness and ability to address and successfully resolve contentious issues?

3.   Do you believe you can learn the skills necessary to have healthy conversations?