Chapter 62: Consequences

 

Jenny spent a sleepless night in her cabin with Esther and Samuel. The next morning as the women and William ate breakfast, Wags started barking outside.

Esther peered out the window. “It’s Mrs. Tuller,” she said. “Tying up her wagon like she plans to stay a spell. Wonder what she wants”

“She knows,” Jenny said. “She and Doc have known since William was born.”

“You told them and not me?” Esther’s voice rose.

“Doc guessed. Mac told him everything. And I told Mrs. Tuller.”

The older woman knocked, and Jenny opened the door.

“Well, you’ve made a fine kettle of fish now, haven’t you, dear?” Mrs. Tuller said, entering the cabin.

“It just came out.” Jenny choked back her tears, not wanting to scare William. “When I read Mac’s letter.”

“How could you keep such a secret from me?” Esther demanded of Mrs. Tuller. “I’m her best friend. And from my father—the leader of our wagon company. Pa let Rachel live here. And my poor ma was so kind to her. You should have told our family.”

“Your mama knew something wasn’t right,” Jenny said. “But she still thought I was steadier than you.”

“Steady?” Esther sniffed. “When you lived with Captain McDougall for most of a year. Unmarried.”

“Doc and I told you to marry the Captain when he asked,” Mrs. Tuller said in a low voice.

Esther gasped and stared at Jenny. “He asked you to marry him and you turned him down? A fine man like him? You are surely addled.”

“I couldn’t marry him. I kept remembering—” Fear rose again from Jenny’s stomach, and she pressed her hand to her mouth.

“Hush, now,” Mrs. Tuller said. “William’s here. But there are consequences for everything. And you must bear yours now.”

Daniel arrived to take Esther and Samuel home. After they’d left, Jenny sent William outside to play with Wags so she could talk with Mrs. Tuller.

Mrs. Tuller sat at the table and took out her knitting. “What are you going to do next?”

“I don’t know.” Jenny handed her the letter. “Here’s what Mac wrote. Esther says I need to tell Zeke. And everyone else.”

When Mrs. Tuller had finished reading, she looked at Jenny and sighed. “Lots of folks heard you say Captain McDougall ain’t coming back. If you don’t tell them you two weren’t married, you’ll be on your own for the rest of your life. Like the Captain says in his letter. You need to move on.”

“But what will people think of me?”

“What do you want them to think of you?”

Jenny paced in the small room. “If I say we weren’t married, they’ll all think William is Mac’s bastard. If I tell them I was violated, they’ll think I’m damaged goods. Either way, they’ll gossip.”

Mrs. Tuller’s knitting needles clicked. “Time to worry about that was back in Missouri. Or when you and the Captain could have married. Now you have to live with your choice.”

“I can’t let William know he was the result of an evil act.” Even the thought of William finding out someday caused Jenny to panic.

“Then that tells you what to do. If Captain McDougall ain’t returning, he won’t care if folks think William is his son.”

“I’m not ready to say any more than that Mac isn’t coming back. I’ll say Mac and I had an argument and that’s why he left.”

“At some point, it’ll come out you weren’t married. You should tell a few from our company beyond Esther. At least Rachel and Zeke.”

“I don’t know how. Will you and Doc Tuller help me?”

Mrs. Tuller smiled. “Of course we will, child.”

“And you’ll help me stay friends with Esther?”

“Don’t you worry. You’n Esther been through a lot together. She’ll stand by you.”

When she was finally alone, Jenny pulled out her journal and wrote:

 

Monday, April 29th—Mac is alive! But I will never see him again. Esther knows the truth, and she is angry. How could I have been so stupid?

 

As she wrote the words, Jenny didn’t know if she meant she’d been stupid for agreeing to Mac’s scheme back in Missouri or stupid now for letting let the tale slip. Or stupid for having harbored even the slightest hope of Mac’s returning.

All she knew was she could easily lose the life she’d carefully built in Oregon because of her foolish outburst.

Jenny spent the next two days helping Rachel and O’Neil move to their new claim. They delayed their departure until Wednesday because of Jenny. Jenny told Rachel only what she and Mrs. Tuller had agreed on—simply that she and Mac had not been married, and that’s why he wasn’t coming back to Oregon, but she hoped to keep gossip from spreading. Rachel assumed William was Mac’s child, and Jenny said nothing to correct Rachel’s assumption.

“Are you sure you’ll be all right?” Rachel asked. “All alone, and Captain McDougall never coming back?”

“William and I’ll be fine.” Jenny said, with a brave smile. “You need to start your own home.”

Esther helped Rachel load the last bundle into the wagon, and she and Jenny waved while the newlyweds drove off.

“Have you talked to Zeke?” Esther asked.

Jenny shook her head.

“Do you want me to tell him? He asked me why Captain McDougall isn’t returning.”

Zeke was her friend, Jenny thought. He needed to know something. And with both Esther and Rachel knowing, he was bound to learn the truth. But what would he think of her? “You c-can tell Zeke we weren’t m-married,” Jenny stammered. “But don’t tell anyone else. And don’t tell Zeke I was violated. I don’t want William to ever know.”

“But, Jenny, everyone will think the Captain was William’s father.”

“Better that than the child of a rapist. At least people will understand why Mac isn’t coming back, since we were never married.”

Alone that night, Jenny slipped into a black mood, one that consumed her soul. She felt as melancholy as in the days after she’d been raped, as miserable as when she’d first realized she was pregnant, as distraught as she’d been until Mac rescued her.

 

Wednesday, May 1st—Rachel and Mr. O’Neil have left. William and I are alone. How will I survive?