Chapter 80: Harvest Dance

 

Zeke’s kiss hadn’t helped Jenny decide whether to marry him. The kiss had been pleasant, but had not stirred her emotions. The kiss hadn’t scared her or reminded her of the rape. But then, Zeke never scared her. In fact, he’d calmed her through many a river crossing when she’d feared drowning. Zeke had always been kind to her, whatever he said about William.

It didn’t seem enough to build a marriage on—not being scared of a man, thinking of him as kind.

While she fretted about Zeke, Jenny also made plans to open a school again the Monday after the harvest dance, when the older children would be done in the fields. The Pershing, Purcell, and Bingham children would return. The prior year’s failure because of the smallpox epidemic was behind them.

“What about the Abercrombie girls?” Esther asked Jenny. “Will Father Abercrombie let them come?”

“I don’t know,” Jenny said. “I haven’t heard yet. If they don’t attend, I won’t mind. Without Rachel to help, I’ll have plenty of pupils to keep me busy.”

When Zeke heard about the school, he asked, “How can you be my wife if you’re teaching children all day?”

“Even if we marry,” Jenny said, “I want to be able to take care of myself. And William.”

“As your husband, I will be responsible for taking care of you,” Zeke said. “You only need to take care of me. And our children. I won’t have my wife teaching school.”

When Zeke talked like that, Jenny wondered all the more if she could marry him. She bit her lip to stay silent.

 

Sunday, September 22nd—Zeke doesn’t want me to teach. I cannot marry him until the spring then, because I promised my students I’d teach this winter. I am used to managing my own life, and do not relish turning it over to Zeke.

Would Mac have acted any differently? All good, strong men want to care for their families.

Jenny and Esther worked together, preserving vegetables from their gardens. Tomatoes, squash, corn—each year the garden produced more than the year before. Jenny’s grain crops would be smaller this autumn, because Zeke and O’Neil hadn’t been able to till as much land as the year before, nor to harvest everything they’d planted. But she would have plenty of vegetables.

Still, this winter would be easier than the last, Jenny thought. She would have bartered goods from her students’ families, unlike the winter before when her school closed for weeks due to smallpox. She sent a prayer heavenward there would be no epidemics this year.

And prayed also that Mr. Abercrombie wouldn’t make a fuss about her claim. Even if she married Zeke, she wanted to keep the land. It was all she had left of Mac.

“What’re you going to tell Zeke?” Esther asked.

Jenny still didn’t know the answer to that question herself.

“Well?” Esther asked again, when Jenny didn’t respond.

“I don’t know,” Jenny said.

“You ain’t dragging this out to tease him, are you? He’s my brother—you better treat him right.”

“I’m not teasing, but I need to be sure,” Jenny said. “How’d you know Daniel was the man for you?”

“He was so handsome.” Esther sighed and smiled into the distance.

“He’s still a nice looking man,” Jenny said.

“I never thought you’d noticed.” Esther flashed a grin at Jenny, then sighed. “But that don’t matter so much now. We’ve built a life. The children. The farm.” She turned to Jenny. “And you and Zeke will build a life, too.”

“He kissed me,” Jenny confessed.

“Zeke? Well, it’s about time.” Esther laughed. “You mean he hadn’t before? I didn’t think my big brother was so slow.”

Jenny shook her head. “But I didn’t feel anything.”

Esther turned serious. “It didn’t remind you of . . . of Missouri, did it?”

“No,” Jenny said. “But it wasn’t like Mac—”

“Captain McDougall kissed you?” Esther looked surprised. “I thought you said you and he never—”

“It was only a kiss. Just one kiss.” It had scared her at the time, but now Jenny smiled at the memory of Mac’s embrace.

Esther grasped Jenny’s arm. “Jenny,” she began slowly. “A marriage is more than bedding. It’s also working together. And raising the children that come.”

“I know that—” Jenny started.

Esther interrupted. “I wish I’d known how hard it would be before I married Daniel. I might have waited. But then, after Ma died, if we hadn’t been married already, we might never would have. Daniel wasn’t happy taking in Jonah, particularly when Cordelia came so quick.”

“I never knew,” Jenny said. Esther had endured so much since her mama died—mothering Jonah and her own babies, helping with her younger siblings, and tolerating a stepmother she disliked.

“What I’m saying,” Esther continued, “is Daniel and me, we’ve made a home together. It ain’t all flowers and ribbons like I thought it would be when we was courting. But I love him, no matter how hard life is sometimes. And he’ll stick by me. I know he will. And Zeke’ll do the same for you. He’s that kind of man.”

So is Mac! Jenny’s soul cried. Mac had stuck by her all the way from Missouri. “It’s not Zeke I’m troubled about,” she said to Esther. “It’s me.”

As the harvest celebration drew near, Jenny continued to ponder whether to marry Zeke. She knew all the reasons she should, but in the end, her heart wasn’t in it.

The night before the dance, Jenny lay awake waiting for sleep to bring to an end to her anxiety. She cradled her pillow in her arms—the pillow she’d taken from Mac’s bed after he left—and imagined she still could catch his scent in it.

When she couldn’t sleep, she lit a candle and wrote:

 

Friday, October 4th—I turn eighteen today. I am grown now and must build a good life for William and myself.

 

She sighed, then dipped her quill in the inkpot and continued,

 

I cannot marry Zeke. He has always been my friend, but I do not love him the way a wife should love a husband. I would be settling for second best. He isn’t Mac.

 

That was the only answer she could give herself. She knew Mac wasn’t coming back, even if she wished it were otherwise. But she wasn’t ready to commit herself to another man. She’d be better off alone with William than thinking after a year or two she’d made a mistake marrying Zeke.

She would have to tell Zeke no.

The dance was late Saturday afternoon and included a picnic supper. Zeke said he would come for her and William in midafternoon.

Jenny was too nervous to eat the noon meal. As William ate, he prattled on about the rocks in the creek he’d picked up that morning while they searched for mint leaves and crawdads. Jenny barely heard him.

“Go find your coat,” she told William, as she finished packing her basket with fried chicken and greens with bacon for supper. “Zeke’ll be here soon.”

“We goin’ to the dance, Mama?” William asked her, hopping from foot to foot.

“Yes,” she said. “You can play with Jonah and the other children.” William followed Jonah everywhere.

Zeke arrived with his wagon. He helped Jenny and William climb in, then loaded the picnic basket. He glanced at Jenny while they rode away from her cabin.

When they were almost to Oregon City, Zeke took her hand in his callused one.

“When will we talk?” he asked, squeezing her fingers gently. He sounded confident.

“Let me start William playing with his friends,” Jenny said, pulling her hand away. “Then I’ll walk with you.”

Zeke nodded, and they rode the rest of the way in silence.

Crowds of wagons and horses and people thronged Abernethy Green, where new emigrants made camp when they first reached Oregon City. The dwindling number of settlers in Oregon since the California gold discovery left plenty of room on the green for residents to gather.

Zeke found a spot for the wagon and hobbled his team. “Come on,” he said, lifting Jenny down. William held out his hands for help, and Zeke set the boy on the ground.

William ran over to Jonah, who sat with Esther and her family. Esther waved at Jenny and Zeke, and they walked over to Esther’s blanket.

“Will you watch William?” Zeke asked. “I want to talk with Jenny.” He clasped Jenny’s hand again.

Esther grinned. “Of course. You two lovebirds go spooning.”

Jenny slipped her hand out of Zeke’s, but took his arm. They walked toward the Willamette River banks, not far from the green.

“Remember when we got here three years ago?” Zeke asked. “How happy we were?”

Jenny nodded. “I was so glad the journey was over.”

Zeke turned to her. “Will you make me happy again, Jenny? Marry me.”

Jenny shook her head. “I can’t, Zeke.” She swallowed hard, watching his face fall. “I wish I could, but I don’t love you. Not the way you deserve.”

Zeke took her shoulders, shaking her a little. “But I love you, Jenny. You care for me, I know you do.”

“I do care for you, Zeke. But I can’t marry you.”

“Why not? Is it McDougall?” Zeke asked. His hands squeezed her shoulders. “He ain’t coming back.”

“I know.” Tears welled in Jenny’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Zeke. But I still love him, and I can’t marry you.”

“Someday?” Zeke’s voice was harsh. She wondered whether pain or anger caused his tone.

Jenny looked out over the river. “I don’t know, Zeke. But I don’t want you waiting. That’s not right.”

“What will you do? You can’t run the farm by yourself.”

“You won’t keep working it for shares?” Jenny asked.

“Damn it, Jenny, I have my own land to manage. I can’t keep tilling yours if it won’t be mine someday. And what if Abercrombie tells the land office you ain’t been married to McDougall?”

Jenny sighed. “I’ll find a hired hand in the spring. Or sell the land, if I can. Or move to town. You told me once I should run a school in town.”

They stood for a moment, looking out over the river, each lost in thought. Jenny had first stood on the bank of the Willamette with Mac, shortly after they reached Oregon City and their journey ended. Then she’d felt such hope for the future. Now? Her future was blank. She was relieved to have told Zeke her decision and did not regret it, but she had no idea what to do next.

“Shall we go back?” Zeke asked. “Will you at least dance with me?”

Jenny smiled. “Yes, Zeke. I’ll dance with you.”