“Look at this,” Anna says as Jeanette, Marta, and Kara cluster around her. We’ve finished gym. Fresh out of the showers and in the changing rooms. Anna is holding up a thin silver chain with a silver pendant dangling off it. “Just because. That’s what he said.”
It’s like partying all night with people you hate and bypassing home to go straight to your job so you can work all day with more people you hate.
And never stopping.
“Ooh, my God,” Jeanette says softly, cupping it in her palm. Anna grins, beside herself with squeally-girl joy. “You know what that means, right? Sex.”
And it does, too. I have something similar abandoned in a jewelry box at home. And the five of us talked about what that meant when Josh gave it to me then. This is a special kind of hell—listening to my ex–best friend wax about fucking my ex-boyfriend. I get dressed as slowly as possible so I can avoid walking down the hall with them, but it’s a give-and-take. I have to listen to this stupid babbling until they go.
I stare at Anna until she notices and sets the necklace back against her neck. I can’t resist: “Doesn’t it bother you at all that whatever you do with Josh, I did first?”
“Anything you do, I do better.”
“There’s a learning curve,” I tell her.
“Oh, I’m there.”
“Speaking of hell,” Marta interjects, “has anyone seen Donnie lately? He’s lost like, twenty pounds. He looks like a piece of shit.”
“He must be good enough for you now, Kara,” I say, pulling on my pants. “Maybe he’s desperate enough to have you.”
“I wouldn’t touch your castoffs with a thirty-foot pole,” she snaps. “I have some standards.”
There’s always something amazing about watching people fuck themselves over. We all realize what Kara’s said at the exact same moment. Anna’s jaw drops, and Kara’s face goes from peach to pale in two seconds flat. If I could guarantee she did something this stupid every day, getting up in the morning would be infinitely easier.
“What did you say?”
Kara spews apologies. They dribble from her mouth and fall on deaf ears.
“Anna, I’m sorry—I am so, so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry—”
“Because Josh is Regina’s castoff, isn’t he, so—”
“I’m sorry! That was at Regina, it wasn’t at you—”
“Fuck off, Kara.”
Silence. This is the kind of silence that used to make me so uncomfortable and queasy to be in the middle of and grateful to not be on the receiving end of.
I like it today.
The rest of the girls get dressed quietly and leave when the bell rings. I pull my shirt on and then I leave, too. As soon as I step into the busy halls, I feel weight, pressure. My chest tightens and it’s, like—grief. Everywhere.
I pull the collar of my shirt into my mouth and bite and try to get through the moment. I don’t know that I can get through this moment.
I need to see who I’m doing this for.
I stake out Michael’s locker. He’s been avoiding me and hanging out with Liz, which makes sense. I’ve only glimpsed him in the halls, and I can’t stare at him at lunch too long because Anna gets off on it when I do, and I’m afraid he’ll look back and I will finally break. After a couple minutes, he shows. He looks as unaffected as he always does, and I try to talk myself out of this loss, but I can’t. I hope he’s angry. I hope he hates me, because then he can have that and it’ll carry him through.
“That’s really obvious,” a voice says beside me.
I close my eyes briefly. “Go away, Josh.”
“Anna told me to tell you.” He points down the hall, where Anna’s with Bruce and Kara and Marta and Jeanette. She smiles and waves. “You’re being really obvious.”
Michael looks up and spots us both. I swallow down the bile making its way up my throat and turn to Josh. “Nice necklace you gave Anna. I totally still have mine. That means sex, right?”
Josh scratches the back of his neck. “And I’m totally not comfortable having this conversation with my ex-girlfriend. And why the hell should you care? At least I waited until after we broke up before I decided to screw other people.”
“Fuck you.”
“Anyway, the lady beckons.” He takes me by the arm and forces me down the hall, smiling at Anna as we approach. As soon as he’s close enough, he moves away from me, wraps his arm around her, and gives her a light kiss on the lips. Barf.
“Dad’s-out-of-town-Thursday,” he says, kissing her between words. She’s putty in his hands. “I’ve restocked. It’s short notice and I’d rather it be a weekend, but this is our only chance, and the weather’s supposed to be good, so . . . party. My house.”
“I like the way you think.” She grins.
Josh turns to the hall, projecting his voice and silencing the idle chatter around us. “Party at my house Thursday. Got that?” He points to a pair of juniors. “Get the word out. Last one this season.” He turns back to Anna and kisses her on the nose. “You will be there, of course.”
“Of course.” She giggles. He smiles and marches down the hall, the boys trailing after him. They stop to tell anyone who’s someone about the party.
Anna turns to us, and she has this stupid, stupid look on her face. “Oh, my God, I can’t wait.” And then it’s like, this group squeal that I don’t take part of. She notices this and takes offense. “Oh, and Regina? You’re coming. Designated driver.”
Kara snickers. “Try not to get almost raped this time, okay?”
Die. They laugh. The bell rings. We make our way down the hall, jostling through the crowd until we reach the top of the stairs. She has to die.
“Watch it,” Kara says, jamming her elbow into my side.
I don’t even think about it: My foot slips in front of hers, sending her tumbling down the stairs. A shocked noise passes my lips. I can’t believe I did it, but I’m glad I did, until her fall is interrupted by a group of stair-loitering freshman. I stand at the top of the stairs and watch Anna, Marta, and Jeanette rush to her. I read Kara’s lips: I’m fine, I’m fine. She shrugs them off and looks my way. She knows.
“I hope it’s worth it.”
I turn. Michael. And the way he says it is so damning, so disgusted.
“It’s worth it,” I whisper.
It’s for him. He shakes his head and walks away. I force myself down the stairs and past Anna and everyone while they’re distracted. I don’t feel like going straight to an empty house, so I wander around town for a while.
Almost every place in Hallowell is the same kind of unremarkable, except for Josh’s place. I stay away from that side of town and turn onto Hainsworth. Jeanette lives here. Donnie. I can see his home from here. It’s all gray siding with a weak garden out front, but every little bit of it is immaculately kept.
And his black convertible is in the center of it all.
He found it.
I take a quick look around. The place looks empty. I approach the house, his car, and I take it all in. It should be fantastic. I should love the ugly lines I made down his convertible. I should love that everyone else can see them, too. I should love that there’s a crack down the windshield that wasn’t there before. I don’t.
It makes me miss Michael.
I circle the car, and when I return to the scratches, I reach out. I want to see what that kind of damage feels like. I press my fingers against the metal body.
The front door bursts open.
“Get the fuck away from my car.”
“I told you it’d turn up,” I say.
Donnie stands there, raging on the steps. I edge over to the front of the car and bring my hand to the windshield. Baiting him should feel good. It doesn’t.
“Get away from my car,” he repeats. I run my hand over the fresh crack on the windshield. “Stop it.”
I trace the line in the glass down to the windshield wipers.
“Stop—”
“Oh, sorry, you want me to stop? Hey, tell Anna. Go and tell Anna that you tried to rape me. Tell her.”
His mouth hangs open, like he can’t decide to step forward or back into the house, and I hate the silence, so I kick the convertible as hard as I can.
“Afton—”
“That’s what you get, Donnie.” I kick it again. “For what you did to me.”
He turns purple-faced and makes his way over to me. A car rolls down the street, slowing as it passes. I take the opportunity to move out, and when I glance back, he’s heading back inside his house, slamming the door shut behind him.