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THE LAST TIME I HAD felt the same as I did on the lake with Sevylia had been when I was younger.
Doing something that wasn’t for training or for a job felt odd. At first, it seemed completely pointless, but then I realized the irony—that was the whole point.
“I believe... that some payback is well due.” As I spoke, I stalked closer to her.
“Then tell me, assassin, what exactly do you have planned?” She smiled warmly, and it reached her eyes.
“That would ruin it, would it not, princess?” I darted toward her then, faster than she could scramble away from me and trapped her in my arms before she could move.
“Now, what?” Her voice was low... For a moment my mind went completely blank and I was unable to move... to think... to breathe. Her body pressed against mine and I realized I never wanted to release her out of them.
All I wanted was the best for her. And I wasn’t...
“Aidan...” she whispered.
I swallowed deeply, still unable to say anything or move.
“Never let me go.”
More than anything, I wanted to reassure her that I wouldn’t. If I were any other man... I would never have released her from my arms. Perhaps in a different life we could have been happy.
But not in this one.
She turned her head toward me. Her lips just barely grazed the side of my lower jaw, just as I turned toward her. Before I knew what was happening, our lips touched. We both froze for a moment, in surprise and shock. Her heart raced against my chest as she turned her body to completely face mine. Her lips were soft and tasted of lake water.
“Don’t think,” she murmured. I had felt, rather than heard the words. Her breath tickled my neck as she exhaled.
In that moment, I made a choice. I made it unconsciously. Without realizing what I had done, I moved against her and closed the distance between us.
It was as if we were puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Her lips parted as if she was open to my kiss, and her body fit snugly against mine. My hands, hands that had caused pain, hands that had killed, hands that never shook nor faltered, trembled as they held her.
I refused to let all the reasons stop me. Thoughts in my mind screamed at me, reminding me that this was wrong. They whispered that if I really cared about her, I would do the right thing and stay away from her.... That I would push her away to prevent her from loving me anymore than she already did.
As I feared I did.
She didn’t deserve a man like me to love her. My heart was dark...
A heart as black as mine should not love a heart as good and as pure as hers.
Yet still, I kissed her. My arms cradled her against me. We fell in that moment, fell together, and neither of us knew where we would land.
***
I CARRIED HER OUT OF the water and gently placed her on the ground. My trousers and her thin dress stuck to our skin, heavy from being soaked in the lake. I sat beside her, unmoving... completely unsure of anything.
“I am rather fond of you, Aidan. Whether you wish that or not, I am. Nothing you could say or do will change that. Yes, you may have committed acts—horrible acts, even some that I couldn’t possibly imagine. There might even be times when you do not regret any of those things. But this life—even the man that you believe you are—was forced upon you. You didn’t choose it. Your will was ripped away from you. Regardless of what you see and believe of yourself—I do not see myself as better or undeserving of you and your company. You make me feel something that I thought was frozen inside me.”
Her words stirred feelings inside me more than they should have. I knew exactly what she was speaking of. My feelings toward her that I continued to try to push away were feelings that I believed had been dormant inside me.
Her voice pulled me from my thoughts. “If you don’t wish to be around me—and if you wish for me to put aside my thoughts and feelings for you—then let it be because you do not feel the same. Not because you believe yourself beneath me, or that I would be better off without you.”
It was a while before I was able to find my voice. When I did, I was unsure of everything I had thought I knew and believed. “I’m not the right man for you, Sevylia. I have been charged with protecting and ensuring your safety. I want what’s best for you—and I am not good for you. I never will be.”
“You are charged with protecting me physically. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I don’t need you to make them for me.” Her voice was sharp and harsher than before. “Now, I want the truth,” she added, her voice unchanging.
“You’ve awakened feelings inside me—a part of myself I believed to be dormant. I care for you, Sevylia. That’s why I am trying to protect you from me.”
“If you care for me as you say, then let me choose for myself what is good for me and what isn’t. Do not try to rob me of choices as you once were.”
A lump formed in my throat, making it difficult to swallow. I couldn’t speak either, but I knew—I would make sure Sevylia’s will was not taken away from her as mine was ripped from me.
I would never do that to another person—especially not Sevylia.
Slowly, as if I were barely moving, I nodded and reached my hand out to her. As her fingers intertwined within mine, we met each other’s eyes and made a silent promise to each other, something deeper and more profound than I had ever known—or ever hoped to expect.
“Tell me more about you, princess.” My thumb traced circles on the skin of her hand.
“What do you want to know?” Sevylia’s smile lit up my entire world—then again, simply being with her did that.
“Why do you enjoy art? When did you first know you loved doing it?” I glanced at her and back out at the glistening water of the lake.
Sevylia sighed, but it was a pleasant sound as she leaned against me. “I love seeing the world in a creative way. I honestly don’t believe that I truly see or understand something until I’ve drawn it.”
Understanding rose to my mind and I slid my gaze toward her, still keeping my hand upon hers. “When you drew me...”
“It was my way of understanding you... or trying to, at least. You are so hard sometimes, as if you hide behind a wall.” Sevylia bit her lower lip and cast her gaze up to mine. “But I don’t want to pressure you. Open up at your own pace, Aidan.”
Hearing her warm, kind voice speak my name brought a strange, light feeling fluttering inside my chest.
“I believe God gave me the gift of art and I want to use it,” she continued. “I have always wanted to use it more. When I was a child, my mother would read the Ancient Writings to me...” Sevylia gazed out at the horizon, eyes filled with nostalgia and longing. “She would always tell me to embrace the gifts that God has given to us. But my father was always so cruel. Once, he was good. Did you know he and my mother would read the Ancient Writings together sometimes?”
I hadn’t known that. Then again, I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to know. “What changed?” It was difficult to keep my voice steady—especially after hearing the love in her voice for God, her passion for Him that I could never understand.
Sevylia shrugged, but there was so much weight to movement. Her shoulders stiffened, as if she had a heavy weight upon them that pressed her down. I slid behind her, slightly to the right, and gently massaged her shoulders. Little by little, as she spoke, her muscles began to relax. “After my mother died, he changed. I don’t know if her death is what caused it—I’ve always believed that there was something greater that... contributed to the way he changed. But after that, he became firm in my training to become queen after him. I never wanted the throne, but he and my mother—they were planning to continue to try to have a son. When she died... I suppose my father gave up that dream. I understand why, but he pushed it all upon me, when it was never what I wanted.”
We both shared something, then... Both of our childhoods had ended much too soon. Both of us had been trained and prepared to be something that was forced upon us.
“Then, I remembered what my mother said,” she went on. “To use the gifts God has given us. From then on, I decided I would view this as a gift... A chance to make the kingdom better and correct the cruel mistakes my father made.”
“I admire that.” I dug my thumbs in deep inside two places on either of her shoulders that were the tightest.
She sighed with a light groan. “I hadn’t realized how sore I was. That feels good.”
I didn’t bother to tell her how or why I knew the human body so well. In that moment with her, I raced to shove all thoughts such as those from my mind.
She wanted me to open up to her. That was the last thing I wanted to do—let down my guard and lay myself bare for someone else to see. But I cared deeply for her. Yet there was a deeper part of me—the less rational part—that desperately wanted to be raw with her, just as vulnerable as she had been with me.
I pulled my hands away from her shoulders. There was no way I could handle this being so close to her. I had to do this on my terms—the only way I could.
Standing to my feet, I turned my back to her and held my breath. Then, I released it all at once in a single breath as I spoke. “Before I was taken to be trained by the Ettki, my parents read the Ancient Writings to me and I believed in God... But when my parents sold me, I became angry and bitter toward them. In many ways, I still am.”
“Oh, Aidan.” Sevylia wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed against my back.
“I hate everything about them.” My voice broke. Why did I sound and feel so weak? “I abandoned everything they taught me and turned my back on God.”
“That sounds like something any young child would have done,” she said.
“I suppose.” I stared at the lake, my mind several years away.
“Your parents... they sold you?”
I could only nod in response.
“I had assumed that you had been taken.” Her voice held surprise and when I finally was able to turn around and meet her gaze, her eyes held the same.
“I have long-since accepted it.” Though my gaze was steady, my voice shook. To anyone else, I might have sounded composed.
Sevylia, though, saw right through me.
“You mustn’t pretend to be all right when, in truth, you aren’t. You don’t have to pretend around me.” Her eyes were full of concern and certainty.
“Recently, I’ve heard... news. I spoke with someone who knew my parents and this person spoke of regret. I put aside all thoughts of my family long ago, but this... This has brought back things I would much rather forget,” I admitted.
“And?”
I glanced at Sevylia, unsure of what else she was expecting me to say. “And nothing. They had their excuses. They sold me, I trained, and I became a different man... I became who I am now. Nothing I think or say will change that—will change who I am.”
She glanced down. “Despite... the obvious differences, I understand what you are feeling. All my life I’ve only ever been one person—one I never wanted to be. Even now, seeing the result of the burden of the crown upon my father’s head makes me resent it. I feel as if a princess is all anyone will see me as—all I’ve ever been or will be.”
“Do you wish to know what I see?” When she nodded, I continued. “I see beauty, and grace...” As I spoke, I reached over and gently rubbed the side of her cheek and around her jaw with the back of my fingers. I slid her hair behind her ear and held her face in my hand. My fingers laced behind her neck.
“I also see strength... creativity. Imagination. I see compassion, and a kindness I have never seen in another soul. I see a pure heart, a woman who wishes to do the right thing. I see passion and... love.” The last word was barely a whisper—a mere breath passing from my lips to her skin.
“Sevylia, I see you.”
“And Aidan... I see you—the real you. I see more than an assassin. Just as you see more than a princess.” She leaned in and gently pressed her lips against mine. This was soft—not hesitant and passionate as before.
No, this was a reassurance—a reminder that we saw each other in ways that no one else did.
