5

 

Jack jerked awake. He’d fallen asleep staring at the bottle of sleeping pills. It sat, unopened, near his digital alarm clock.

Another night without assistance. So what if he’d tossed and turned for hours. Somewhere in there, he’d actually slept, and at least it was something. He showered and shaved, taking time to note the bags that were starting to accumulate under his eyes. I wonder how long a man can go without sleep.

A few minutes later, he heard Maggie’s SUV make its valiant efforts to start. He glimpsed outside to see Lexi run to the car and hop in the passenger seat. He’d already made up his mind to speak to Maggie about the cigar first, unable to trust that he could keep his temper in check with the kid. That’s what he got for allowing himself to be taken in by Maggie—the kid, stealing out of his home. All things considered, it was a much better idea to keep to himself, but for now he just wanted to get the cigar back.

He’d already decided he wouldn’t press charges, and Calhoun would have talked him out of it anyway. But one thing was for sure: the kid would never step foot inside his house again.

A few minutes later Maggie returned, and he slowed his breathing as he strode outside to meet her.

“Hey. I need to talk to you,” Jack said.

Maggie met his gaze. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Can we go inside?” The seriousness of the subject warranted privacy, and he had no idea how Maggie would react to the bad news. If there would be yelling, best to contain it indoors. In this arena, he had tons of experience.

“Of course.” She moved to her front door and unlocked it.

Maggie’s home was the same size and floor plan of his, but the similarities ended there. This house was a home—from the warm hues of the beige walls to the vanilla scented candles on the kitchen windowsill. Even the beige leather couch in the great room appeared to be worn in all the right places.

He took a breath. “I’m just going to say it. Something is missing from my home, from my desk actually, and Lexi was the last person there.”

“Missing?” Maggie hovered near the kitchen table where she’d placed her purse.

“Missing—as in taken from my home. Gone.”

“But why do you think Lexi took it?”

He sucked in a breath. He’d been down this river called Denial with other parents, and he should have anticipated winding up there with Maggie, too. “It was at the computer desk when she came over.”

“Are you sure? Couldn’t you have misplaced it somewhere?” Maggie’s eyes narrowed.

“I’m sure.” He’d looked at that cigar almost every night. It was all he had left of his partner.

“I hoped you were different.” Maggie’s green eyes filled with fire—a forest fire.

“Different? What do you mean?” Was this where she told him that she’d expected him to perform a miracle on her troubled teen?

“That you wouldn’t assume every kid is out to make trouble. Lexi’s been through a tough time, but she wouldn’t steal from you. Not when you invited her into your home.”

Well, he hadn’t invited her as much as her mother had, but that was beside the point. He’d allowed her to use his computer, and this was how he’d been repaid. No point other than to chalk this one up to experience.

Another reason to mistrust kids, as if he needed another one. “This is a matter of logic. We don’t need a full-blown investigation.”

“Of course not. Why should you be inconvenienced?” Maggie folded her arms across her chest.

“All I know is the cigar is missing, Lexi was there, and I want it back.” Tension hovered between them, thick as early-morning fog.

The color drained from Maggie’s face. She pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down with a slump. “A cigar?”

“I know it’s weird that she took it, but maybe it was just a childish prank. Anyway, the cigar belonged to my partner back in Virginia. I don’t smoke and it has sentimental value.” And what would a kid want with a cigar? Obviously, the whole thing had been a challenge. She’d taken it from him, perhaps as a way to repay him for mistaking her for a burglar. For staring at her mother too long. God only knew why.

“If she took it, will you press charges?” Now Maggie’s lower lip quivered, and it hit him worse than a kick in the gut.

Something had changed, and now she believed him. He wished he had any idea of why. “No. I won’t. I just want the cigar back.”

“I’ll talk to her when she gets home, and, if she took it, she will not only return it, but I’ll make sure she’s punished for this.”

“I appreciate it. And, Maggie, kids do things for reasons you and I can’t even begin to imagine.” He’d learned that tough lesson, and had the scars to show for it.

“There’s no excuse for this if she did it. I don’t know what’s happening with my daughter anymore. But I will get to the bottom of it. I promise you.”

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, but it was better for her to know the truth now since it would get worse from here on out.

He’d seen it before.

Soon Maggie would realize that she no longer had any control over her daughter.

 

****

 

After Jack walked out the front door, Maggie worked up the nerve to glance at herself in the mirror. Her hair stuck up on one side, lying flat on the other, and one eye had a black smudge from the mascara she’d failed to completely remove last night. Jack had seen her. Like this. Vera would kill her for even leaving the house in this condition.

But her looks were the least of her problems. A nagging suspicion told her that against all reason, Lexi had taken that cigar because when Jack mentioned the missing item the truth had slammed into her. Still, she didn’t want to believe it. There wouldn’t be any point in explaining it to Jack. He wouldn’t understand. No one could. She had a difficult time understanding it herself.

When they’d moved back to California, she’d been a zombie, packing boxes without any focus. It hadn’t been possible or the right time to throw anything away, and so Matt’s clothes had been packed along with his books, tools, and every memento he’d ever owned from the time of their marriage. The Teacher of the Year Award he’d been awarded in his seventh year of teaching, the Best Coach Award for the athletic association in which Lexi had played, the prized Cuban cigar given to him by Richard on the day of Lexi’s birth.

Every one of Matt’s items, other than his clothes, had been misplaced in the move, and since then Lexi had worked to replace as many as possible.

Maggie had played along, purchasing a Father of the Year mug similar to the one he’d drank coffee out of every morning, a flannel shirt similar to his favorite one, while she continued to search for the boxes with no luck.

And now Lexi had stepped it all up a notch, humiliating them both by stealing from their neighbor. A police officer. Maggie considered that her daughter could be that manipulative. She’d probably noticed Maggie’s awkward attempts to find her a mentor and put a plug in it. Jack Butler would want to have nothing to do with either one of them again, and she couldn’t very well blame him.

She’d always given Lexi a modicum of privacy in her own bedroom, but perhaps that had been a mistake. Now she marched into Lexi’s room because she needed answers. Answers Lexi was not going to volunteer.

Reaching under Lexi’s bed, she found a mismatched pair of socks, candy wrappers, an overdue library book, and a family of dust bunnies. But thank the Lord, no cigar. She felt between the mattress and the box spring, a place where she’d hidden her own diary as a teen, and found nothing.

If Matt were here now, he’d scold her for invading their daughter’s privacy, but he’d missed out on these lovely teenage years and left Maggie holding the bag. A framed picture of Matt with Lexi’s basketball team sat on the nightstand beside Lexi’s bed. Maggie sat on the ground, the photo in her hands, and stared at her old life.

God, You promised You’d be with me. Help me to remember that.

The search continued as she pulled out dresser drawers and reached into the space between them. On the second drawer, Maggie pulled out a terrycloth washrag wedged beneath, and unwrapped it. Inside its folds, she found the cigar.

Oh Lord, she hadn’t wanted to find this.

Maggie backed up to Lexi’s bed and slumped down on it holding the cigar. Breathe. It’ll be OK. But what if this was just the beginning. Lexi was becoming a daughter she hardly recognized. The only thing Maggie had ever wanted was to be a good mother, and now she had failed at this, too.

She’d already failed at being a wife. Matt had made that clear enough. They’d been married too young and hadn’t truly chosen each other. More like their youthful indiscretion had chosen them. Still she’d loved her husband even if he didn’t want to attend church with them. Even if maybe they’d never been right for each other. She did love him. She listened when her pastor said that she could win him over with her obedience to God and love for Him.

Now Matt had left her alone to raise their daughter, and she would do that with the help of the Lord. Even if it killed her.

Hours later Maggie sat at the kitchen table, the cigar in the center, when Lexi opened the front door with her new key.

Lexi walked to the table, dropped her backpack, stared at the table, and then glared at Maggie. “Were you snooping in my room?”

“That’s what you have to say for yourself?” Maggie swallowed. She hadn’t known what to expect, but she had hoped Lexi would apologize, not change the subject and find fault with Maggie.

“How did you find that?” Lexi whispered.

“The officer came over today. Did you think he wouldn’t notice the cigar was missing? Did you stop and think for one second that maybe the cigar meant something to him, too?” She stood up. Did her daughter ever think about anyone but herself?

“No.” Lexi sat at the table, head bent down.

“What were you thinking? Stealing?” Maggie broke the silence. “A cigar?”

Silence from Lexi. Now she stared off into the distance as though she saw something she had every intention of throttling.

“I don’t even know what to say to you right now.” Maggie covered her eyes.

“I knew you would overreact. So typical.” Lexi rolled her eyes.

“You call this overreacting? I want you to tell me right now why you did this.”

“You know why.”

“We’ve talked about this. Your dad’s things are not going to replace him, and you can’t keep thinking that they will. And you could have asked me to buy the cigar.”

“Like you would have. It’s a cigar. You probably thought I wanted to smoke it.”

“Sooner or later, we’ll find dad’s boxes.” They had to be somewhere in the garage. Her throat threatened to close up on her, and she tried to take a breath.

“What do you care? You’ve forgotten all about him. You’re glad he’s gone! You guys used to fight all the time. Now it’s over.” Lexi held her finger tips to her eyelids as if she could shove the tears back inside.

Maggie’s breath hitched. No matter how angry she was, her daughter was in terrible pain. “Oh, honey. It’s OK to cry. I miss him, too.”

“No you don’t. Am I going to jail?” Lexi whispered.

Maggie pressed her hand to her forehead, a massive stress headache developing. “He just wants the cigar back. But I’m the one you really have to worry about. I know why you did this, but it’s still not OK. You’re grounded for a month. And you’ll have to do something for the officer during that time, like, I don’t know, mow his lawn.”

“Mow his lawn? I don’t even know how to do that.” Lexi sniffed.

“You’ll learn. I’m sure he’ll teach you how. Or I will as soon as I figure it out myself. And of course, you’ll return the cigar.”

Lexi wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Will you go with me?”

“I will. I want to see you apologize to him in person.”

Although there was every chance he’d never want to see either of their faces again, Lexi had to try to make amends.

 

****

 

“Jack, it’s me.” He hadn’t spoken to her in months, but Kimberly Craig’s voice over the phone still made him break out in a cold sweat.

“Is everything all right?” She only served to remind him that he should be at home in Virginia. Too much time had already passed, and he cursed the fact that he was still too weak to return. He expected Kim’s e-mails, but she’d never called him here before.

“I should be asking you that. When are you coming back?”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back.” He paced the floor, running a hand through his hair.

“Help me understand. The department cleared you. You’ve been exonerated. What are you waiting for? Robert wouldn’t want this,” Kim said.

But he couldn’t be convinced of that. The one thing he did know was that Robert would want to be with his family. But nothing could fix that now.

“Running away won’t solve anything,” Kim continued.

She didn’t have to tell him that—he lived with the nightmares that had followed him here. “How are the girls?” Jack changed the subject.

Kim loved talking about Alison and Amber as much as Robert had. For the next few minutes, he heard about Girl Scout meetings, swim meets, and piano lessons. While he thought he’d been updated with Kim’s regular e-mails, their activities made his head spin. And Robert was missing all of it.

“What about your therapy? Have you found anyone there?” Kimberly asked. She’d been a great believer in it, even forcing Robert to take marital counseling classes though no one who knew them thought they were needed. Kim and Robert were a match made in heaven.

Therapy hadn’t worked for him if Dr. Logan had been any indication. He had no interest in rehashing the past and working through his feelings, all that crazy, touchy-feely kind of talk. He’d get through this on his own, as he’d always done before.

“No. Working on it, though.”

“Working on it? How can you move forward if you—?”

Jack’s doorbell rang.

End of round one. Kimberly two, Jack zero.

“I’ve got to go, Kim. I think it’s my neighbor at the door. She’s got something I need.”

“She’s? Got something you need?” Kimberly laughed into the phone.

“No, Kim. It’s not like that. I’ve got to go. Talk to you later.”

“I’m not going to drop this, you know.” Kimberly said before they ended their conversation, and somehow he didn’t doubt it.

Both Maggie and Lexi stood behind his door, the cigar in Lexi’s hand. “Here’s your cigar, Mr. Butler. I’m sorry. Thanks for not arresting me.”

For a second, he was almost sorry for the little thief as he took the cigar from her shaking hand. “No problem. Every thief gets one freebie from me. But only one.”

“Lexi is grounded for a month, and she’ll be happy to mow your lawn during that time,” Maggie said.

“I don’t have a lawn mower. I planned on hiring a service,” Jack said.

“Even better. This will save you money. And we have a lawn mower, except neither one of us knows how to use it.” Maggie’s lower lip trembled.

Heck, no, she was about to cry. Please, not this.

“We’ll let you get back to…whatever you were doing,” Maggie said, and she and Lexi turned toward their home.

He shut the door and went to the desk where he placed the cigar in front of Robert’s photo. Right where it belonged.

Too bad both Maggie and Lexi appeared ashamed when only one of them should be. Then again, Maggie had defended her daughter blindly and now had to face facts. It had to hurt.

A few minutes later, Maggie was back at his door again. “I feel terrible. I didn’t believe you. I hope you’ll forgive me, too. Sometimes I can be a little blind when it comes to Lexi.”

“You don’t need my forgiveness. I’m sorry if I came on too strong. The cigar…it means a lot to me.”

“I realize that,” Maggie said with teary eyes.

“Are you OK?” A stupid question. No, she wasn’t OK. Her daughter had stolen from him, after he’d done her a favor. He could only imagine her mortification.

“I should have learned how to start that lawn mower.” She dissolved into tears on his doorstep.

Heart positioned squarely in his throat, he could think of nothing else to do but take her hand and pull her inside.

“I’m sorry.” Maggie wiped her tears away with her thumbs.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Only her difficult daughter did.

“She’s not the girl she used to be. I told you that before. Well, this is just one more example. I have no idea who my own child is anymore.” She bit her trembling lower lip.

Jack found a tissue and handed it to her. “You’re not the only parent who’s raising a troubled teen.”

“Yes, but I may be the only one doing it while her grandparents judge from the sidelines.”

“How’s that?” This had something to do, he guessed, with the grandfather who was too busy for Lexi.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to bother you with that. But it’s only fair you know why she did this. Lexi’s father passed away last year in an accident, and not to make any excuses, but Lexi took the cigar because she’s trying to replace her dad’s things. When we moved here, there were so many boxes. We brought everything, but now I can’t find the missing boxes with the things Lexi wants to remember him with, and one of them was a silly cigar. I’ve tried to tell her she can’t replace her dad with things, but she’s obviously working through it. I keep thinking it would help if we could only find the boxes. They have to be there somewhere.”

“Where do you have left to look?” He spoke again without thinking. When would he remember that none of this was any of his concern any longer? He had Robert’s cigar back.

“In the garage. We stuffed it so full of boxes I can’t even park my car in there. The problem is, the movers stacked the boxes so high.” She rubbed her temples.

“I can help you with that.” Apparently he was no longer in control of his brain around Maggie when he’d just volunteered to spend time in a dusty garage searching through someone else’s boxes.

“I have no right to ask you.” Maggie’s lips formed a half smile despite her unshed tears.

“You didn’t ask me, and I don’t mind. How about this Friday?” He had the day off and planned to spend it hiking since the weather had turned into spring overnight, but he couldn’t do that all day.

“You’re very kind. I was right about you. I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing to do with either one of us again.”

And if it were anyone else but Maggie, he might have to agree.

 

****

 

So he hadn’t pitied her and told her how sorry he was, like everyone else did when they heard the horrible news about Matt. Maggie wondered about that. Then, again, he was a police officer and had probably heard much worse. And maybe he realized that offering sad platitudes about the injustice of the world did nothing to ease a person’s pain. In fact, if anything, it brought it all back up again, front and center.

At least today maybe the boxes would be found, and they’d move forward to the next chapter in their lives. But even though the items in the missing boxes were Lexi’s current fixation, Maggie couldn’t help but think that there would be another issue around the corner. Mementos would only be a temporary solution. Lexi needed to turn to God to heal the hurt, but Maggie couldn’t force her. She’d have to get there on her own.

Still, it had to get done even if Maggie hadn’t been able to face the garage in months. Fear of spiders kept her away, and regret. One of these boxes might just send her back into the darkness again, and she couldn’t afford another few months of fading away into the comfort of sleep.

On Friday, Jack arrived in the late morning wearing jeans and a faded U.S. Marshal t-shirt. Maggie tried not to notice how to shirt strained against the hard planes of his chest, and she briefly imagined what he might look like with his shirt off. Stop it. Why couldn’t her neighbor be homely?

He frowned as he surveyed the mess of boxes. “Hey, you weren’t kidding.”

“I meant it when I said we brought everything.”

He got to work immediately, pulling the ladder near the row of boxes that were stacked seven-feet high and three-boxes deep.

“We need a plan. How do you want to do this?” he asked.

For the next few hours they worked together, Jack bringing down boxes that had been out of her reach for months. She’d look in them, make a judgment call, and he’d return them back to their original place.

The plastic boxes were easy to work with but when it came to the cardboard boxes Maggie held her breath. Spiders loved cardboard, and for that reason, she’d worn gloves in addition to a long sleeved cotton shirt.

Inside a cardboard box marked “Lexi,” Maggie found a treasure of early art work.

A drawing Lexi made in first grade of her dad fishing, her childish scrawl “Mah dadi luv to fsh” a reminder of the precious little girl who was still in there somewhere.

Maggie set the drawing aside. Lexi would want this, and it might bring some comfort. Stiffly, she brushed aside a cobweb with her gloved hand.

And there around the lid of the box, the maker of the webs crawled out. Maggie dropped the drawing and jumped back almost as fast as the spider did. It made no sense, but suddenly she could feel the spider, or maybe its twin, crawling around in her hair.

“Yeow.” She danced around and swatted at her hair until she remembered she wasn’t alone in the garage, and probably looked like a lunatic. But still she couldn’t help it as she continued to whip her hair around in hopes the spider would release its hold on her. “Is it in my hair? Because I feel like it’s in my hair.” Why hadn’t she thought to wear a hat as well?

In between jiggles and head whips, Jack climbed down the ladder and moved toward her. She forced herself to still as he approached. He searched through her hair, one hand touching it lightly and the other holding her chin still.

“Sorry. No spider.” He took his hands out of her hair, stood back, and stared in her eyes.

“Good.” She relaxed for a moment and then her stomach did a flip while her heart raced for no apparent reason other than the fact that Jack continued to gaze in her eyes.

She fixated on the blue irises. They probably only seemed intense because they contrasted against his brown hair. Neither one of them said a word.

“Hey, I’m home. What are you doing?” Lexi dropped her backpack with a thud in the driveway of the open garage.

“We’re looking for the missing boxes.” Maggie’s face flushed as though she’d been caught doing something wrong, though last time she checked, staring at a good-looking man was not a sin.

“I want to help,” Lexi said, moving toward an open box.

“Look what I found,” Maggie handed the drawing to Lexi. “Thought you might want this.”

Lexi’s gaze lingered, and Maggie’s heart ached at the darkness that passed over her daughter’s face. The past would only hurt her more, and Maggie wondered what they were doing in here, trying to unearth it.