13

 

The look in Maggie’s eyes pried the words out of him. Now or never. He might as well tell her so she could run the other way. No use in prolonging the inevitable. He didn’t want or need this right now, but despite that, the memories came flooding back.

“Robert and I were transporting a prisoner to Georgia’s top security prison. Luther should have had the death penalty, but he had a good lawyer. Wound up with a life sentence.”

“What did he do?” Maggie asked.

“He had a federal judge killed.”

Maggie’s face turned pale, and no wonder. This wasn’t exactly casual conversation, and precisely why he didn’t talk about his work. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“I do.”

He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell it, but she pulled at something deep inside. “We weren’t taking any chances. Luther was in shackles. It was a regular transport to the airport. We should have been home in time for the Celtics game that night.”

“But that didn’t happen.”

“No. I heard the first pop to my left, and then Robert lost control of the van. It plowed into a fire hydrant. The shots kept coming, and we couldn’t just sit there and wait to die. Robert requested backup, but we had to get out of the van. No time to discuss options. We had to seek cover. I followed the shots to a one story building while Robert sought cover behind the van with Luther. Eventually, I found the shooter on the rooftop. Alone with a sniper rifle.”

“Oh no, Jack.”

“The worst thing about it? He was just a kid. Luther’s kid, turns out. Stupid teenager thought he’d make his father proud and stage a prison break.”

Maggie didn’t say a word but simply placed her hand over his wildly beating heart.

“I had my gun drawn. And I warned him. I yelled for him to stop shooting. I did everything I was supposed to do, Maggie, but I hesitated. For one second, I didn’t think I could shoot that kid. But he just kept shooting, and I had no choice. One clean shot to the chest, and he was done. Too bad I didn’t shoot him before he shot Robert. That one moment of hesitation cost me my best friend.”

Tears filled Maggie’s eyes, and he pulled her into his arms. “It’s not your fault,” she said on a sob.

“I hesitated. And because I hesitated, not just one, but two people are dead. Robert and Luther’s teenaged son, Marcus. He was a part of the youth group that Robert led. We thought we knew the kid.” He wanted so badly to take back that day. Over and over in his mind, he’d thought of how he might have done things differently.

“What about his mother? Did she know?”

“His mother told us that her son didn’t want anything to do with his father. But the truth was that she didn’t even know her own kid. He’d been planning this, thought it was a way he could impress his dad. Later, we found the arsenal in his bedroom. Stupid, stupid kid.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself. You did what you had to do. Who knows how many more he might have killed?”

“Yeah, I know the drill. Shoot an unarmed kid, it’s wrong. But shoot an armed kid, somehow that’s OK. It’s still a kid who didn’t get to grow up.”

“I realize how you must feel, but he killed your partner. It’s not like he was an innocent in all this,” Maggie said.

How could she not hate him? “You want to know the worst thing about it? Robert told me he’d have done the same thing. As he was lying there before they took him to the hospital, he’d heard it was a kid. And as if he knew what I’d done, he told me not to worry. He would have done the same thing. But I second guess everything I did that day. I could have rushed him if only I was closer. But I couldn’t let him keep shooting.” His hands shook, palms sweaty from the vivid memory of that day. No matter how many times he’d relived it, it still seemed to have the power to feel as if it were the first time.

“If you hadn’t done what you did, even more people might be dead. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around inside you. A burden like this should never be carried alone.” Maggie came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

She forgave him, just as Kim had done. Forgiveness he didn’t deserve. “I’ve committed the worst sin. It’s unforgiveable, and I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

“But none of us deserves it. No sin is too great, because God is great enough to forgive them all.”

“I can’t believe that. I’ve put enough murderers away to know that God wouldn’t have anything to do with those people. Evil to the core.”

“But no one who wants forgiveness is evil to the core. And we all have sin, Jack. Do you know the Bible says that no sin is greater than another?” The sound of her voice was muffled as she pressed her head against his back.

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“It’s true. I’ll get my Bible out if you want me to prove it to you.” He turned to see the smile on her face. The warmth in those eyes had been enough to warm his cold heart, but she still wasn’t done surprising him.

He couldn’t resist framing her beautiful face in his hands. “Not necessary. If you tell me it’s true, I believe you. Even if I don’t understand it now, I’m willing to learn. In case you hadn’t realized it yet, I love you, Maggie. Which is why this is so hard.”

 

****

 

Maybe if she didn’t say the words out loud they wouldn’t count. But she wasn’t even fooling herself with that one. She’d fallen head over heels in love with Jack Butler, but now that he’d declared he felt the same she didn’t appreciate the qualifier he’d put at the end of it. And she was afraid she knew exactly why this would be so hard.

It was the reason she’d told herself that she wouldn’t, she couldn’t, fall in love with Jack. But her foolish heart hadn’t heard a word she’d said.

Jack rested his forehead against hers, a gesture which made it easier not to gaze in his eyes. If she did he might not miss her disappointment, but of course, he had to go. It didn’t mean she had to like it. Her heart raced in anticipation of the pain she knew was headed straight for her heart. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“I have to. It was never like me to run away from my problems, and I’ve let everyone down.”

What about your friends here? What about me? She wanted to scream. Not the time to be selfish, Maggie. Please Lord, help me to want what You want for Jack. If it’s not me, I’ll learn to live with it. I just want him to be happy.

“I know you have to go. Remember, I was supposed to talk you into going back? I’ve done a bang-up job, haven’t I?” Such a great job that if he hadn’t mentioned it, she would have easily let the whole idea fade into the background. She’d been so selfish.

Jack pulled her close. “Leaving here will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do.”

“I hope so.” That made him laugh quietly, his lips hovering so close to her ear that it made a beautiful deep sound. A sound she would miss for as long as she lived.

“If it wasn’t for you and Lexi, I’m not sure I would be able to go back. You did that for me. Dragging me back to life. Knocking on my front door. Then making your way inside my heart.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

He laughed again.

She was a regular comedienne when her heart was breaking. “You were so handsome in your deputy uniform the first time I saw you. Even though you did look embarrassed. I guess I’m a goner for a man in a uniform.”

“That’s funny, because I’m a goner for a woman with a big heart. And green eyes.”

Maggie pulled out of his arms and took a few steps back. He was leaving, and the sooner she got used to the idea the better. “You should go home now.”

He blinked. But she couldn’t do this any longer, not when he’d be gone soon. Her foolish heart wasn’t listening even now, so she’d have to give it a kick start. Time to engage her brain. Maybe it would listen better.

“Why?”

“You can’t be serious. This will be hard, Jack. Much harder than I can deal with right now.”

Understanding crossed his face, hardening its planes again, and he hung his head, resigned. “I’m sorry. I’m being selfish.”

“No, I’m afraid I’m the one being selfish. You’re being honest.”

“I can’t help it if I want to spend every moment with you before I go.”

“That won’t happen. I can’t do this. I’m a mother, and I should have guarded my heart a whole lot better than I have.”

“You’re not the only one to make that mistake.” He tried to reach for her again, but she moved away, a little piece of her heart protesting with a nearly indiscernible skip.

Mistake. So he agreed it had been a mistake not to guard her heart. Well, at least they were on the same page about that. “Good-bye, Jack.”

“Don’t do this. We’re neighbors, and I’ll be around a bit longer. Are you just going to ignore me?”

She would try. “We’re still friends.”

“But I told Lexi I’d hang out with you until she gets back. She’s counting on me.”

“It’s OK. You’ve done your duty.”

“Maggie, please. You know I wanted to do it. If she hadn’t asked me, I’d have found a way to come over here myself.”

This wasn’t working out, and he was no closer to that front door. Her throat burned and the tears weren’t going to stay back much longer. The last thing she wanted was his pity. “It’s just that it hurts to be with you right now.”

He winced. “And the last thing I want to do is hurt you.” Finally, he turned toward the door.

She turned her back so she wouldn’t have to see him go. Within moments, the door closed. He was gone, leaving her and her wayward, aching heart alone.

Maggie picked up her cell phone and dialed Vera’s number. For the next few moments, she struggled to get intelligible words out through her sobs. “Jack…leaving…I’m…idiot.”

“I’ll be right over with a pint of ice cream,” Vera said.

 

****

 

The ice cream hadn’t helped Maggie much at all, but it had helped when Vera refused to leave her for the rest of the weekend. Instead, she’d called their part-time worker and offered her an extra shift.

Best of all, after watching a sad movie, Maggie had company in her tears.

“It’s not fair to pull on my heart strings like that.” Vera sobbed as she reached for the last tissue.

They were certainly going through them this weekend.

Even though she hadn’t left the house, Maggie had peeked out the window and noticed that Jack’s truck had been gone for the better part of the day. She wondered where he was, and if it were possible that he’d already left. And then she reminded herself to stop wondering. It was over.

“Do you think he’ll say good-bye?” Maggie sniffed.

“That depends. How would you rate his guts on a scale of one to ten?” Vera asked, picking up the remote.

She’d rate him at an eleven, but that was beside the point. “I don’t think I encouraged him to say good-bye. I ran him out of here. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”

Vera stared at her. “Don’t even think about it. I know where your mind is going. You did the right thing. Clean break and all that.”

“You think?” She was beginning to doubt everything. They were friends above all, and didn’t friends wish each other the best? Once she emerged from this self-imposed pity party, maybe she’d get her own gut level up into the double digits. The Lord would help her with that.

“What do you want to do? Prolong the agony? Let him go, Mags.”

“I already did.” She’d said good-bye, in fact. And no matter which way she wanted to cut it, there wouldn’t be an easier or more pleasant way to say those words. Maybe Vera was right.

Once Lexi arrived late on Sunday, Maggie had found the strength to put away the tears and put on her Mom hat. Naturally, the first thing Lexi had wanted to know was how Chief was doing and if he was with Jack. That’s when Maggie explained about Chief’s real name and his owners. To ease the pain, she told Lexi that she had their address and they could visit him anytime.

“He was a therapy dog?” Lexi’s eyes widened.

“Jack suspected he’d been trained by someone. We just couldn’t have imagined it was to work with people the way he does. He’s a very special dog. And you knew it.”

“He always seemed to know when I needed a hug.” Lexi smiled, tears in her eyes. “I’m going to miss him so much.”

“I’m sorry, Lex. It was hard for Jack, too. Chief wrapped himself around our hearts. We’re all going to miss him.”

“I wish Grandpa could have met him, too.” Lexi sat down with a slump on the sofa.

“Grandpa?”

“You should have seen the look on his face when he saw the box of daddy’s mementos that I was getting ready to bring home. I couldn’t do it. He needs to keep those things.”

“You left it all there? They belong to you. Your dad would have wanted you to have them.” Maggie sat down next to Lexi.

“I think Daddy would have wanted me to leave them with Grandpa, and that’s what I told him. He almost cried, Mom. Hugged me really tight. I carry my dad with me wherever I go. After all, he’s a part of me, and I’m a part of him that isn’t gone. We’ll be together again one day. Don’t you think?”

Maggie didn’t have words. Her little girl had grown up, and come into her own acceptance of her loss with the help of the Lord.

Maggie wrapped her daughter in a hug. “Of course you’ll be together again. One day, every tear will be wiped clean. It’s guaranteed.”