THINGS GOT a little easier once Jason started to actually try again. He stopped hiding in his room as much, and the three of them spent a lot of time on the couch, watching Jason’s shows or reading while Jason practiced his languages.
Jason still woke up screaming in languages Shade didn’t understand, but though it tore him apart to stand by and not do anything, he’d learned his lesson and let him scream.
Shade spent a lot of nights curled up in front of Jason’s door. He was getting better at moving as soon as Jason opened the door, to keep from startling him and to avoid getting stepped on.
“You don’t have to keep doing this,” Jason said. They were in the living room again, Jason’s hands curled around a mug of tea Chase had made. “My sleep isn’t going to get better. You can’t help that. And you’re both losing out on sleep yourselves.”
Chase shook his head. Shade knew he was feeling drained, but that was nothing that plugging in couldn’t fix. “We can plug in and power down anytime,” he said. “But if you’re active at night, you need companionship at night. That’s how it works.”
“But it doesn’t help. Shade sleeping at the foot of my door doesn’t help me. If anything it makes things worse because I’m worrying about you two.”
“Don’t,” Shade said. “Doesn’t hurt.”
Jason turned to Chase. “You can’t be happy that he’s lying down like a dog in front of my door.” And then he froze, eyes going wide. “Fuck, that came out wrong, I—”
Shade growled, hated that that was his first reaction, and forced it down, fists clenched and shaking. “Fine,” he bit out.
“It’s not fine. I shouldn’t have—I’m sorry—”
“Fine,” Shade said, glaring, before he stood up in a rush. His hand mods were coming out, and he didn’t want to let Jason see them. He needed to just—get away for a minute. He could go to his room. Chase was there, Chase could stay with Jason while Shade went and acted unreasonable.
Stupid triggers. Stupid words. Stupid master.
No! Not master, you don’t have a master, you are a person, an Acting Individual with sentient thoughts and feelings, calm down calm down. It was just a stupid slip. Jason was human. He was allowed those.
Shade slammed the door of his room shut and let out a snarl, pacing around, back and forth, back and forth. Not a minute had passed before there was a knock on the door.
“Shade? It’s Chase. Can I come in?”
“Chase’s room too,” Shade growled out.
“That’s not what I asked. Can I come in?”
Shade stomped over to the door and yanked it open. “What,” he managed. “Why here. Be with Jason.”
“Jason fled to his room and is probably beating himself up as we speak,” Chase said calmly. He held out his hand. “Shade, talk to me?”
Shade bared his teeth. “No talking!” He wasn’t allowed to talk. No, no he was absolutely allowed to talk stop it stop it stop it.
“Shade!” Chase grabbed Shade’s wrists before he managed to start clawing at his throat. “Shade, you’re safe. You’re here, with me. We’re in Jason’s apartment. He’s our new person. He made a mistake and called you something he didn’t mean, and he’s very sorry about it. I think he would like to apologize, when you’re able to give him a chance. I’m here with you, and we’re just going over to the bed now. Let’s sit down? Can you sit down with me, Shade?”
Shade whimpered and sat next to Chase, pulling his hands free so he could wrap them around Chase’s middle and bury his face in the folds of his shirt. He sat there and shook for a long time, letting Chase’s hands run up and down his back.
Eventually he rubbed his face in Chase’s shirt and then pulled back just enough to look up into his eyes. “Better now.”
“Are you?”
Shade nodded. The commands had quieted. He was feeling better.
He could also just make out the sound of Jason’s sharp breaths, the kind from exertion, now that the pounding in his own ears had settled. “Jason upset.”
“He’s mad at himself. You should have seen him after you—left. He was… not happy.”
“Should talk to him,” Shade said, shifting. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to talk to Jason. He didn’t want to move.
“You don’t have to right now, if you don’t want to.”
“Should. Jason upset.”
“And so are you, Shade. Your feelings are not less important than his.”
Shade didn’t bother arguing. Even if he didn’t agree, he knew Chase never would concede the point. They’d just go on forever, and he didn’t feel like talking much as it was. “Chase okay?”
“I’m fine, Shade.”
Shade growled again and held out his hand. “Sync.”
“Of course.”
As soon as they were synced up, Shade said, You’re dealing with not one but two traumatized individuals, and both of them just got set off. How are you doing? Chase was the sort of person who tucked his feelings down and never let anyone know if things were bothering him. It had taught Shade to be a little less self-centered, to keep checking in. Because if he didn’t, Chase would never say anything.
There was a long, pause then, I’m worried. I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about Jason. I’m worried that everything is one step forward two steps back. He… he retreated the last time you got hurt, and that was wholly incidental. This time it was his words that hurt you, and I know he’s going to blame himself for that, and I just—I worry about the both of you. That he won’t give us the time he needs to get better. That you’ll keep getting hurt too.
I’ve been triggered by worse, Shade said, the growling starting up again. At least Jason actually apologized for it.
That doesn’t make it any easier for you.
It does. He cares. That helps. And we’re not supposed to be talking about me anymore.
What do you want me to say? I’m worried! That’s it. I’m concerned that this isn’t going to work, because he won’t let us, and it’s no one’s fault, but it’s nothing I can fix. I can’t help if he doesn’t let me, and I just have to—sit here and idly watch while both of you are in pain—Chase was shaking. I want to fix it, and I don’t know how. I’m supposed to be here for him, and we both know how well that’s going. I’m supposed to be there for you, and half the time I can’t even manage that—
You are not blaming yourself for my triggers, Shade said, tone sharp. Unless I’m supposed to blame Jason for setting me off. It’s stupid. It happens. I get over them.
I know. I’m sorry.
You can’t fix everything, Chase.
That’s my job!
And you’re very good at it. But some things don’t get fixed. They just get dealt with. I’m… I’m never going to be best; I’m just going to be better. I can’t go back to the way I was before. Jason can’t either. Our whole point is to get him to a place where he can be happy the way he is now.
I know. I know. And I know nothing comes from wishing, but I just… wish it were easier. For both of you.
I know. Thank you for being with me. I love you.
I love you too.
JASON WENT at his bag until he physically couldn’t anymore, for once not caring that it was nearly dawn and he was making noise. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Of course just as things were starting to get better, even by a little bit, he’d had to go and set Shade off. Of course.
When he was gasping for air and unable to lift his legs anymore, he sank slowly down to the floor, rolling over onto his back to stare at the ceiling, trying to think of what to do.
Apologize, obviously. But then what? He could work even harder to not make mistakes, and he would be better, he knew he could be better, but he also knew he’d caused damage. Shade wasn’t going to forgive him this, and he had every right not to.
But if Shade couldn’t live with him anymore, that meant he and Chase would both leave and Jason would have to start over from scratch with a new Companion, and he was just getting used to the ones he had now. He was getting used to them. To Shade’s variety of silences and Chase’s calm demeanor, to both of their cooking and the quick, efficient way they made Jason tea on bad nights when he couldn’t help but stay up.
To the careful touches that were starting to get a little more frequent. Always with permission asked first, always with slow, telegraphing movement but… they were. They were nice. He’d miss them.
He’d miss them a lot.
The knock on his door startled him out of his thoughts. “Yes?”
“It’s Chase. Can you come out?”
And here it was. Four in the morning and they were telling him they were leaving. But better to get things over with now, he supposed. He got to his feet on shaky legs and opened the door, stumbling outside. When his door was safely closed, he took Chase in and felt his insides curl a little. Chase looked worn, in a way he never had before, worn and tired and sad.
And it was Jason’s fault.
It was always Jason’s fault.
“I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t help, that I did damage, but I was frustrated and I wasn’t thinking, and I’m sorry.”
Chase nodded. “Shade forgives you.”
“He… he what?”
Chase sighed, a crackle of static. “He forgives you, Jason. He doesn’t blame you for what happened. He has triggers, the same as you do. You didn’t know.”
Jason shook his head, not sure what was going on. “I thought—I thought you were leaving.”
Chase frowned. “Of course not. You’re our human. We don’t want to leave.”
“But I hurt him. I hurt him, even if I wasn’t using my body, just my words, and I hurt you too. Look at you, I keep… I keep hurting you both.” His hand was on the doorframe and he was clutching it tightly, the lines biting into his palm. His breath was coming faster. “I’m supposed to be home and kept safe until I leave again. I’m not supposed to be causing damage to civilians every single day—”
“Jason! Jason, breathe.”
Jason was breathing, hard and fast, he didn’t know why Chase was telling him to breathe, but Jason’d hurt him enough today by proxy, he could damn well listen to his instructions. He tried to slow his breathing, took a deeper breath, then another. “I’m sorry,” he managed, when his heart wasn’t pounding too loudly anymore. His voice sounded thin and weak, and he hated it. “I didn’t mean to hurt you or Shade. I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Chase reached out a hand and Jason let him, until it was settled on his shoulder, a spot of warmth. He shuddered under it, and then Chase was moving again, coming closer, and Jason kept himself still and let him and—and he was being hugged.
He was being hugged.
He… couldn’t remember the last time he’d been hugged.
Jason held himself stiff, not sure what to do, fighting the urge to pull away, to relax into it, until Chase carefully moved back, letting his hands rest on Jason’s shoulders.
“We’re not leaving you, Jason,” Chase murmured. “We want to see you happy and healthy. Shade and I both. Sometimes we misstep. You’re allowed to. You’ll be better next time.”
“Yeah,” Jason said, feeling subdued. “Okay.” And then, “Shade’s really all right?”
“He’s fine. Did you want to see him?”
Jason shook his head. “No, no, that’s okay. I’ll keep my distance. I don’t want….”
“Jason,” Chase said firmly. “If he wanted you to stay away from him, I wouldn’t have offered to let you see him. His safety and well-being is just as important to me as yours is.”
Jason swallowed and didn’t say anything.
“Please don’t retreat from us again,” Chase said, hands still on Jason’s shoulders, a steady, warm weight. “Please don’t. We were doing better. You were doing better.”
Jason hunched his shoulders, pulled away from Chase, letting his hands slip off. “I’m going to get some water,” he mumbled. “And then I guess… I guess I’ll go back to the living room. If he wants to come out and talk to me, I’ll be there.” That’s what he could offer.
“All right. Thank you.”
Jason nodded jerkily and headed for the kitchen.
JASON WAS hunched over on the couch, clutching a water bottle when Chase and Shade came into the living room.
“Could we sit?” Chase asked, gesturing at the couch.
“Sure,” Jason said, moving even closer to the side. Chase and Shade exchanged glances, and then Shade sat down on the far side of the couch, Chase taking the armchair.
Jason shifted so he was facing the both of them. “Are you… are you feeling better?”
Shade nodded, hands on his thighs.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t think. I’ll be better. I’m sorry.”
“Fine,” Shade said quietly. “Triggers happen. Sorry Jason is feeling bad.”
That got a rough laugh out of him. “I’m sorry for you, you’re sorry for me, huh?”
“And Chase. Also sorry for Chase.”
“Yeah.” Jason rolled his water bottle between his hands. “Look at us. This is just… great.”
“Shade is sorry. Jason hurting because of Shade.”
Jason shook his head. “That’s not—” He cut himself off, frustrated. “Can I ask why? Either of you. Why you do this. What… what you get out of it. It just… it seems pretty thankless, to me. Dealing with me. With people like me. You guys have free will, you’ve got rights, you have choice. Why would this be what you chose?”
“I can’t speak for Shade,” Chase said eventually, into the silence of the room, “but it’s simple, for me. Humanity gave me so much. I want to give back. I was given my personhood. I… I like helping others regain it.”
Shade raised his hand. “Don’t like it when people hurt. Same way. Want… want things to be better. Before and now too. That’s why.”
Jason took another drink of water, set the bottle down on the coffee table. “I’m going to try to close my eyes,” he said after a minute.
Chase nodded. “Of course, go ahead. Do you want us to leave?”
“No.” That was something he could offer them. Try to give them some trust. It was the least he could do, after…. “You guys can stay.” He tucked himself into the side of the couch and crossed his arms, closing his eyes. Breathed out. He used to sleep better, with people around. Maybe he could try to get that back.