“JASON BUSY?”
Jason looked up, glanced back to his laptop and the workbooks spread out on the coffee table, then back up at Shade.
“Not that busy,” Jason said carefully. He had nothing but time; any work he was doing could always be done a little later. Chase was out at the grocery store, and Jason hadn’t interacted much with Shade without Chase there too. “What’s up?”
“What doing?”
“Just doing some homework. I take a lot of online courses to keep up-to-date on things.” On top of making sure he read newspapers in every language he could understand. “Mostly language stuff, since that’s really something you lose, if you don’t practice.”
“Learning what now?” Shade asked, sounding interested. He moved a little closer, coming to stand just in front of the couch. Jason, already curled into a corner, shifted over just a little more. An open invitation. Shade hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to him, leaving about six inches of space between them. The proximity wasn’t too bad, now.
“Reviewing some Arabic,” Jason said. “I’m not bad at it, and I know enough that I can keep up a conversation, follow fast speech, but I’m brushing up on my reading skills.” He picked up a piece of paper to show Shade. “I printed this article up this morning, about the oil embargo. It’s all very technical, so it’s not all stuff I know off the top of my head. This one”—he pointed to another paper—“is a short story about a teenager that my professor sent me. It’s filled with modern slang, which I’m also a little behind in.”
“Jason knows a lot.” Shade sounded impressed.
Jason ducked his head, shrugging. “It’s not like I have much else to do with my downtime. Keeping my mind sharp is just as important as keeping my body in good condition.”
Shade frowned. “Why talk like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like… Jason is machine.”
Jason felt his heart clench with worry. Had he said something triggering? Was Shade upset? “I’m sorry,” he said in a rush. “I didn’t mean to, like, insult you or—”
Shade shook his head. “No,” he said, voice a little sad. “No insult. Jason just….” He tilted his head. “Jason talks like he doesn’t enjoy, just does something needed.”
“Oh.” Jason thought about that. “I didn’t realize that’s how it sounded.”
“And—does Jason enjoy?”
“Studying language? Oh yeah, definitely.”
Shade beamed and leaned forward. “Why?”
Jason glanced his notes. “I—I’ve always really loved the idea of communication. Of going somewhere and learning something right. I studied Russian in high school and spent two weeks there as part of the accelerated program, and it was amazing being able to actually communicate with other people from this other part of the world, even when it was just for asking direction and being able to understand them. That’s when I went kind of nuts for learning languages and took on Arabic and French too. When I first signed up, I was sent to Kuwait. And I only had a grasp of pretty basic stuff, but immersion teaches you like nothing else. A lot of people were wary of the guys on base—for good reason, obviously. But I made an effort to talk to them, and they started making an effort back and—” He sighed. That was one of his great memories. “I was there for six months and had been practically adopted by the town by the time I left. I still keep in contact with some of them.” Not recently, but—
Shade was staring at him, expression unreadable, and Jason felt himself get self-conscious. “Anyway, that’s, uh, yeah. That’s why. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I didn’t enjoy learning. I really do. I like the idea of being able to use what I know to communicate. Even if, uh, even if lately I’ve been using it for other parts of my job, mostly.” Shade made a questioning sound.
“You know, the, uh, listening parts.” Jason hadn’t been able to even look at his French texts since he’d gotten back from his last mission. He’d had to hide them under some old gear in the back of his closet. His other language stuff was fine, but French….
“What’s wrong?” Shade asked, immediately picking up on the change in mood. Jason shook his head.
“Nothing big, it’s fine.”
“Bad memory?”
“A little bit, yeah. I had some great experiences because I can understand other people. And some… not so great experiences.”
“Mission?” Shade asked softly.
Jason nodded.
“Don’t have to talk about it. But can if Jason wants to. Shade listens.”
Jason quickly shook his head. “No, it’s—it’s not really something you want to hear. Just a big mess.” His hands slid down to check his knees, feeling for the caps underneath the fabric of his jeans. All good. Of course, they’d have to be; the pain if they weren’t—
But he’d gotten good at numbing himself to stuff like that. That was how you survived.
“Jason!” Jason snapped back to reality, to Shade. “Sorry, sorry,” Shade said, looking miserable. His hands were just hovering over Jason’s shoulders, as if barely stopping his instinct to pull Jason close. “No bad memories, okay? Here now.”
“Right,” Jason said, licking his lips. “Yeah. Sorry.”
Silence descended.
“Could… could Jason teach?” Shade asked, tentatively. “Teach Shade?”
“What—a language?” Jason asked, trying to tamp down his surprise. Couldn’t Shade just… download the necessary features?
“Don’t like to get new software,” Shade said, as if reading Jason’s mind. “Can’t control, can’t be sure.”
Right. Of course. God, Jason was stupid. Of course Shade didn’t like letting any new software into his head since—“Sure, I guess. I mean. If you want. Did you have a language in mind? Or… can you speak any already?”
“Spanish,” Shade said in the most self-disgusted voice Jason had ever heard from him. “Default setting. A little French,” he added, almost an afterthought. “Worked with someone who spoke it. Shade picked up some words.”
Jason swallowed. “I—I know French. If you think that might be easiest for you to learn.” Even if he didn’t know if he could handle hearing it spoken again. Even if just hearing some of the French accents on his cooking shows made him antsy now.
Shade watched him carefully, eyes narrowed, then shook his head. “No,” he said. “Not French. Will learn something new.”
Jason almost sighed in relief. “Okay,” he said, trying for a smile. “Did you have something else in mind?”
“Chase can speak German,” Shade said. “Maybe that?”
“Sure. I mean, German’s still a new one for me, so I’m not fluent or anything yet, but sometimes that can be even better. We could learn it together. If, uh, if that’s what you wanted.”
The answering smile was brilliant. “Yes,” Shade said. “Sounds good.”
WHEN JASON entered the kitchen one morning to find Chase there by himself, he had to pause, feeling a little thrown. He was used to them both now, at each other’s sides, close in the way two people who cared so much about each other often were. It felt wrong to see just Chase first thing in the morning. Like something was missing.
“Good morning,” Chase said. He was assembling a group of ingredients on the counter, flour, sugar, eggs, milk, but hadn’t turned on the stove or anything yet. He always waited for Jason before actually starting to make breakfast, which was something Jason appreciated more than he could express. “I’m thinking about pancakes today. Does that and eggs sound good?”
“Sounds great,” Jason said honestly. Pancakes were another comfort, but he didn’t bother with them often. Sometimes he dreamed about going to a breakfast diner and ordering a big plate. It was one of his few nice dreams.
Chase smiled at him and started mixing things together. “Something on your mind?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.
“Is Shade okay?” Jason blurted. “Only I’m just, uh, used to you guys working together.”
Chase chuckled. “Feels a little off, doesn’t it? He’s fine. Just had a rougher night. I let him stay in bed. Wanted him to get a little more charge.”
“Oh,” Jason said. That he understood. “Sorry to hear that.” He paused, then asked, “So how are you doing?”
“Me?” Chase asked, pouring oil into a pan, waiting for it to heat up.
“Well, you’re with him all night,” Jason pointed out. “If he’s tired, so are you, probably.”
Chase’s expression was wry but fond. “A bit perhaps. But then again, we’re both equipped to deal with rough nights. I’m fine though. Thank you for asking.”
“Are you sure? I mean… not to pry, but it kind of works both ways, doesn’t it? You guys take care of me, I look out for you.” Jason ducked his head, frowning at the floor. “Just. You get the brunt of rough nights, dealing with the both of us. Don’t you get tired?”
“I can always power down during the day,” Chase pointed out.
“But you don’t. You’re with me during the day. Or you’re grocery shopping, or cooking, or walking with Shade. When do you get a break?”
“It means a lot to me that you’re concerned, but I’m really fine.”
Jason hunched his shoulders. “Okay, I get it.”
“Get what?”
“I let you in, but you don’t have to—right, I’m the patient. I get it. Never mind.”
Chase turned to look at Jason more fully and took a step toward him. “Jason, no that—that’s not it at all.”
“Your head is drooping, your hair isn’t neat like it usually is, you’re still in sleepwear, and normally you’re dressed when you make breakfast. You’re tired, and you’re telling me you’re not, that you’ll power down later when we both know you won’t.” Jason lifted a shoulder, let it drop back down. “It’s fine.”
Chase was silent for a long moment, the only sound in the room from the oil popping in the pan. “Jason, I—it’s my job to worry about you.”
“If you run yourself ragged, you’re not doing anyone any favors,” Jason said, sliding his eyes up to Chase’s before dropping them back down. “But I… I understand. You don’t trust me. I get that. I haven’t made myself easy to trust.”
“Jason, no. I….” Chase wrung his hands. “Sometimes I get caught up. In the taking care part. It’s not that I don’t trust you, or that I think you’re not capable. I just don’t want you to worry.”
“But you’re someone I should worry about. I live with you, I trust you to—to take care of me. It’s a healthy worry, that you’re okay. It’s actually normal that I’d worry. So you… you should let me.”
Chase reached out and Jason let him, let him put his hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Could we start over?”
Jason swallowed. “Okay.”
“I’m tired. Shade had a bad night, and I was up with him. But it’s nothing I’m not used to. And—and I will power down sometime today. I promise.”
“Okay,” Jason said again. And then, quietly, “Thank you.”
Chase squeezed his shoulder reassuringly before letting go and stepping back. “Thank you too. For—waking me up, a little. I want to let you in, Jason. I do. I’ll be more prudent of what you want in regards to that, going forward.”
Jason nodded, already missing Chase’s touch. “Can I help?”
“I’m sorry?”
“With the—breakfast. Normally you and Shade make me food together.” While Jason watched from a safe distance away. “But I’d, uh. I could help, maybe?”
Chase beamed. “Of course.” He held out another pan. “Why don’t you make the eggs, while I focus on the pancakes.”
“Sure,” Jason said, walking closer. He took a deep breath and took the pan, setting it back down on the counter before cracking the eggs into the little bowl Chase had set aside. He wasn’t as fancy with food as Chase was, so he just added salt and a little pepper, and then some frozen peas before dumping the mixture in the pan.
It was nice working side by side with Chase, and Jason suddenly understood why he and Shade enjoyed cooking together. It was really comforting and warm, cooking next to someone you cared about. He and Chase even brushed shoulders a few times and Jason didn’t flinch.
“How are you feeling?” Chase asked, watching the pancakes brown as Jason pushed the eggs around in the skillet. Jason couldn’t help smiling slightly at Chase checking in after Jason had. Especially now that Jason had extricated the promise that Chase would rest later. It felt natural. A real give-and-take. Even more so with the way they were standing, were working with each other. It still felt like something was missing with Shade not there, but it was… nice.
“Feeling pretty good,” Jason said, trying to collect his thoughts. “Think it’s a damn shame you two don’t eat. This is a spread meant for sharing.”
“I’m sharing it by making it with you,” Chase said.
Jason shrugged, focusing on the eggs again.
He finished with the eggs before the pancakes were done—Chase believed in feeding him and was making a whole batch it looked like, even adding things like cut-up fruit into some, making them fancy. Jason waited, in no hurry, leaning against the counter instead of at the table like he normally did. They chatted easily about Jason’s plans for the day and how his languages were going. Jason had been trying to spend more time working on his mind, giving his body a break, and had even set up Skype sessions with some tutors. It was something.
“I’m planning to go grocery shopping again today,” Chase said, as he put the last of the pancakes on paper towels, flipping them before plating the first several.
“Oh yeah?” Jason grinned as he followed Chase to the table. Chase was one of those people who really liked grocery shopping. Like, genuinely enjoyed it, looking at all the items. Jason had been like that once too, but then he’d gotten to a point where in-and-out was all he could handle. That was before he’d started getting stuff delivered. “You have fun.”
“I was thinking I could power down after I got back—” Chase started, setting the plate down in front of Jason, when he was interrupted by Shade entering the room. He was still wearing a large sleep shirt and soft-looking lounge pants, hair sticking up in all directions.
“Morning,” Jason said, before taking a bite of his eggs.
“Didn’t wake me up,” Shade grumbled, going to nuzzle at Chase’s cheek.
“Sounds like you needed it,” Jason said. “Glad you slept in. And anyway, I, uh, I helped with breakfast.”
“Yes?” Shade blinked at him, startled, before smiling. “With Chase?”
“Yes,” Chase said, smiling at the both of them, before pulling out a chair to sit across from Jason. Shade, as usual, stood. He didn’t like sitting at kitchen tables. “Jason was a big help.”
Jason scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I made some eggs.”
“Made with Chase,” Shade said, sounding gleeful. “It was good?”
“Yeah. Yeah it was. Missed you though.”
“Next time all three of us can make something together,” Chase said, voice warm.
“Together,” Shade repeated, one hand carefully falling to Jason’s shoulder before sliding away.
“Yeah,” Jason said, ducking his head. “That’d be, uh, that’d be nice.”
“Is everything okay?” Chase asked, after Jason had taken several silent bites of pancake. “It’s a recipe I found online and wanted to try out.”
“It’s good,” Jason said, after swallowing. “Great. I—I like pancakes. A lot.”
“Do you?” Chase said, almost absentmindedly, and Jason suddenly got a vision of a whole lot of pancakes in his future. Maybe even making them with Chase or Shade or both. Yeah, both, both was good, all three of them working side by side at that counter.
He swallowed again, tucking that thought away into a safe, happy place, and took another bite of his breakfast.
YOU LIKE him, Chase told Shade smugly through the sync later, as they watched a show with Jason in the living room. Shade stifled a groan and considered ignoring his partner. Not that he didn’t want to have this conversation, because they needed to have this conversation, but right now?
So do you, Shade replied, grumbling. It’s good that we both like him.
And you know that’s not what I meant.
I know, Shade said, flicking a glance at an oblivious Jason sitting a few feet away. There’s a lot there to like.
Yeah. There is. Chase shifted enough for Shade to snuggle even closer next to him, their joined hands resting between them. But you’ve liked him from the beginning too. At least a little bit.
Not in the way I do now, Shade admitted. But yes.
Why?
He treated me like a person. You know that.
Chase let out a huff of laughter. That’s when I started liking him too.
Jason shifted, looking from Chase to the program on the television, a documentary on the deep sea. “Is, uh, is there something funny about bioluminescence?” he asked.
“Sorry,” Chase said, ignoring Shade’s pointed look. “I started talking to Shade about something else. It seemed more polite than talking out loud while you watched.”
“Oh,” Jason said, lips pursing for a minute. “You know I don’t, uh, mind. When you guys talk. Unless it’s a private conversation or something. But it’s, uh, I guess it’s been nice to hear you around.”
“Don’t, Jason,” Shade said, batting at Chase’s shoulder. “Chase will talk so much now.” Chase grinned, and Jason matched the expression hesitantly.
“Still don’t think I’d mind,” he said, after a moment. “It was, you know, nice, in the kitchen. Just talking. And in general. I think I might’ve missed it. You’re always really careful, and I appreciate that, don’t get me wrong. But you live here too. You don’t have to tiptoe, is all I’m saying.”
“We’ll keep that in mind, Jason,” Chase said. “Thank you.”
Jason shrugged, ducking his head. “’S’not like you needed permission.”
“But it shows you’re thinking of us and our well-being too,” Chase said. “That’s appreciated on our end.”
“Yes,” Shade added. “Jason tries hard. To make us welcome.”
Jason shrugged again.
Chase patted the open space next to him. “Sit with us?”
“I—” Jason looked between the two of them, and Chase did his best to pour welcome into his expression. “Yeah,” he said at last. “Okay.”
LATER THAT night, when they were both curled around each other, synced up to drift together, Chase tugged on Shade’s hand. Shade? Are you up?
Am now, Shade grumbled. What is it?
Shade, I… I really do like him.
Good. You’re supposed to. That’s how this works.
No, I….
Shade shifted, squeezing Chase’s hand. I know what you meant. What do you want? Permission?
Shade—
I like him too. I said as much before.
Shade….
He’s trying to let us in. We could do the same. If you want to. I wouldn’t mind.
Not minding is different from wanting. I’m fine.
I might want to. I could… see myself wanting to. Eventually. We could start small. Let him in more. That might help him too.
Are you sure?
When have I ever made a decision without being sure?
I love you, you know. You don’t have to—push for anything you don’t want.
I know.
But I’d… I’d like to try letting him in. A little. Whatever he could handle. If you really are willing.
I am. I think it might be good for him. For you too. Maybe for me. I don’t know yet.
Okay. Okay, if you’re sure. Thank you.
Can we talk about this more in the morning? I’m tired.
Chase pressed a kiss to Shade’s forehead. Of course. Sleep well, love.
You too.