AT JASON’S request, Chase left the room first, giving Jason some time to collect himself. After so much time and proximity, he needed a moment to wind down.
Especially since….
Jason hadn’t had to deal with arousal in a while. He’d never really been all that into sex, not in the way his buddies growing up had been. Mostly he liked it when it happened, but it wasn’t something he actively sought out much. It was fun when he had it, just wasn’t that high on his priority list. It had set him apart from a lot of people his age, and he was actually pretty sure it was one of the reasons why he had climbed up so fast in rank; he was generally a lot harder to distract.
Besides, after that mission two years ago, he stopped thinking of sex as much fun anyway. And with that being around the time he started being unable to handle people, well, Jason hadn’t really spent much time caring about it. He’d talked it over in psych a few times until eventually he had just asked to drop the subject, but that was about it.
He shivered, even though the room was on the warm side, feeling the ghost of Chase’s hands on his back. That was the main reason he’d had to tap out. The feeling of—god, he hadn’t felt like this in years.
Probably he was going to have to talk about it. Probably that was a good, sane idea.
But he kind of wanted to put it off a little while longer. He’d been making things plenty awkward as it was, even though Chase had been clear about being open-minded to any of Jason’s wants or needs.
A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts, and he realized that a normal human being would have been done freaking out by now.
“Yes?”
“Shade,” Shade said from the other side of the door. “Jason okay?”
Jason had calmed down, yeah. He’d be fine. “I’m good,” he said, not moving from where he sat on the edge of the bed. “You can come in, if you want to.”
Shade eased open the door and came inside, immediately moving to the bed. “Sit?” he asked.
“Sure, sure,” Jason said, shifting over a bit even though there was plenty of room.
“Was it nice?” Shade asked, after he was positioned next to Jason, shoulders touching. Jason appreciated the weight of him.
“It was real nice,” Jason replied after a moment. “I’m still a little amazed I could handle it at all, but I’m glad I could.”
“Chase glad too,” Shade said, nudging Jason’s shoulder. “Won’t stop smiling. Jealous.” But his tone was conspiratorial, his face open and happy.
Jason nodded. “Good to hear.” And he couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Jason?” Shade asked, leaning into him, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jason said quickly.
“Jason.”
“Nothing big,” Jason amended, when Shade looked at him. “I, uh. I might’ve liked the massage a little too much. That’s all.”
“No too much,” Shade said, frowning. “Jason enjoy. That was point.”
Jason bit the inside of his cheek. “No, I mean—” Shade’s eyes widened with understanding. “Yeah. And I didn’t want it to be weird, so I—you know. Figured we should stop for now.”
“Not want to tell Chase?” Shade asked, voice small.
“Oh no, of course I’ll tell him! I just was, uh, giving myself a minute. Since. Um.”
“Oh.” Shade shifted slightly next to Jason. “Is it… okay? What does Jason mind?”
“About getting hard while Chase gives me a completely nonsexual massage? That I asked for?” Jason shook his head. “Just feels skeevy. He didn’t sign up for that.”
“Normal reaction,” Shade said matter-of-factly. “Happens.”
“Still. I wasn’t… expecting it.” Jason shrugged. “Kind of didn’t know I could, anymore.”
“And… is bad? Good? Different?”
“Different. Took me by surprise. I’ll be okay. And I’ll tell Chase too. He should know.”
“Is good,” Shade said with a nod. “That Jason wants to talk about it.”
Jason huffed a laugh. “I don’t want to. I just recognize that I should. Especially since, um, we… only talked about that a little bit before. I didn’t realize it might actually be an issue.”
“Not ‘issue.’” Shade scowled. “Part of Jason. So good, if happening. If—if Jason wants.”
Jason had to stop and think that over. And then ask a question that had bounced around in his mind a little but that he hadn’t even dared to think about before. “Can—can you and Chase—do you even—?” He floundered, trying to think up words that weren’t stupidly offensive. He knew some AIs could, or got modded so they could, but he’d never thought to ask them. Shade seemed to take pity on him, smile gentle and completely devoid of any teasing.
“Feel things differently,” he said. “Chase does… want the way Jason does. Has that system. Shade’s was… changed. Likes feeling but does not… need. Prefers… prefers different touches. But will give to Chase, because loves Chase. Loves to make Chase happy and feel good. Would be same with Jason.”
Oh wow, was there a lot to extrapolate from that.
“Chase would explain better,” Shade said, in response to Jason’s silence.
“I think you said it fine,” Jason replied. “Just… could I ask questions? To clarify?”
“Of course.”
“And maybe, um, later you could tell Chase what we talked about,”
“If Jason wants. But it would be good to talk to Chase. Talking is good. Can help.” He gave Jason a wry look. “Even if hard. Or embarrassing.”
“Okay, okay, I get it. Is Chase in the living room or something?”
“Kitchen. Stress baking. Worried, even if happy.”
“All right,” Jason said with a sigh. “Let’s go get him.”
JASON NAVIGATED the talk and admission with Chase awkwardly, but Shade still felt warm and proud that he was able to do it at all. Jason had been taking a lot of steps very quickly, and it was amazing to watch.
He was so happy that Jason was on his way to being happy.
Shade also hadn’t talked this much to someone besides Chase, especially outside of the sync, in ages. It was exhausting, but not in a bad way. Every time he felt tired, words running out, he remembered that he was doing it because Jason was speaking to him. And listening.
He was still surprised Jason questioned why Shade loved him.
“Shade?”
“Yes, Chase?”
“Did you want to?”
“Sorry, wasn’t listening. What?”
“Go for a walk,” Chase clarified.
“All three?” Shade asked, looking excitedly at Jason.
Jason nodded, shifting where he stood. “Thought some fresh air might be nice?”
Shade beamed. Jason had never asked to go on a walk before. If he wasn’t leaving for a language lesson or training at the base, then he mostly stayed inside and hid. It was no wonder he’d been so antsy when he’d first met them. Jason had later divulged that it had been the first time he’d left his apartment in nearly two weeks.
“Yes! Walk good, yes!” He herded Jason and Chase out of the kitchen and to the apartment’s foyer before Jason could change his mind, Chase laughing good-naturedly at Shade’s enthusiasm. Shade didn’t mind. Chase knew that Shade had liked being outside before the mods, and that’s what mattered. He wouldn’t poke fun.
And neither would Jason, Shade thought decisively, refusing to bank any of his happiness at the thought of going outside with both of the people he loved.
“Thank you,” Chase said to Jason quietly, as they left the apartment together.
“What for?”
Shade listened absentmindedly, leading the way toward the stairs at the end of the hall.
“You always seem to know what to say and do. I appreciate that more than you can know.”
Shade caught Jason’s shrug out of the corner of his eye. “Well, I mean, that’s, um, that’s part of trying to work out a relationship, right? Give and take? And I feel like I take plenty already, so.”
“Thank you for letting us give it.”
“Yes, yes,” Shade cut in. “Already said this. Over and over again. Jason knows. Should know.” He looked at Jason. “Jason does know, yes?”
Jason smiled, small but real. “Yeah,” he said, “I’m getting it through my skull.”
“Good,” Shade said. “Now stairs.”
Chase sighed. “I hate these stairs.”
“You do?” Jason asked, looking surprised. “Chase, you should’ve said something. We don’t have to—”
“No, no, you’re more comfortable with using them,” Chase said. “I don’t mind them that much, really.”
Shade grinned at him. “Race you,” he said, voice playful.
“What?”
Jason blinked at Shade, then slowly grinned too. “You take the elevator down,” he said. “We’ll take the stairs. Last one to the doors loses.”
Chase laughed. “Okay, okay, fine.”
“We start now. Chase has to wait for elevator.”
Chase blinked at them, then took off down the hall at a jog.
“Let’s go!” Jason said, yanking open the door.
They shot down the stairs, Jason taking the lead and showing Shade how he used the railing to get down even quicker, grabbing on tight to round the corners. By the time they made it to the first floor, they were both laughing and dizzy, stumbling outside and racing to the elevators.
The look on Chase’s face when the doors dinged open and he saw them was priceless.
“Shade and Jason win,” Shade said. And he thoroughly deserved every bit of smugness he managed to put into those words.
“I guess you do,” Chase said, fond. “What do you win?”
“Walking! Chase can’t be slow.”
“I’ll keep up with you both, I promise.”
“You guys lead,” Jason said, falling back a little. And he didn’t sound out of breath at all. Even Shade was panting slightly, cycling air through his fans quicker to cool down. Color him impressed. “I haven’t been out much lately. You’re probably more familiar with the area at this point than I am.”
“This way,” Shade said, taking Jason’s hand and leading him out of the complex. Bemused, Jason followed along.
“I, uh, I thought you’d rather hold hands with Chase,” he said, as they started off.
Shade shrugged. “Hold hands with Chase always. Jason’s turn.”
“Um.”
“It’s not like I mind,” Chase put in, adding what Shade couldn’t summon the words to say.
“Does Jason mind?”
Jason shook his head, and Shade felt a little thrill of pleasure. “I’ll—I’ll let go if I have to,” he said.
“Good. Works. This way now.”
Jason’s apartment complex was in a pretty nice area. One side was close to a fairly major road and within walking distance of several stores and restaurants, but the back of it opened up to grass and trees, even connecting to a small wood with a few trails. Jason had told Shade that it had been one of the reasons he’d initially picked the place; he used to like going outside to run.
Shade ached for the fact that that pleasure had been taken away. But maybe… maybe it could come back again. Jason was outside now.
They walked in easy silence for a little bit, Jason and Chase allowing Shade to continue taking the lead. It was a nice day, if a little warm. Jason tugged at his sleeves a couple times, but he didn’t say anything about being too hot.
Eventually, though, Shade couldn’t ignore Jason’s discomfort any longer. “Was nice,” he said. “But warm. Back home?”
“That sounds good, yeah,” Jason said. He hadn’t let go of Shade’s hand even once.
“And I’ve got plenty of snacks for you,” Chase added, a little abashed. Shade laughed. Chase had… gone a little overboard with the stress baking. Aside from a batch of cornbread, he had two different cookie doughs chilling in the refrigerator.
“Awesome,” Jason said. “Do you think—” Shade stilled, unable to stop the growl that emitted from his throat, and Jason immediately cut himself off, stopped walking. “Shade?”
“Shade, love? Are you okay?”
“Dog,” Shade said. “Gold. Coming. Where we’re going.”
Shade had once liked dogs.
“Okay,” Chase said, stepping forward and taking Shade’s other hand. “That’s fine. Let’s just keep walking. We’ll pass it, and then we’ll be home soon. Okay?”
“Yes.”
Jason was looking between the two of them, questions clear on his face, but he didn’t ask. Just gave Shade’s hand a reassuring squeeze and started walking with him again. Shade couldn’t have been more grateful.
“Jason,” Chase said. “Just so you know, I’m going to be talking to Shade through the sync now, until we’re clear.”
“Of course,” Jason said quickly. “Yeah, no worries.”
Shade? You’re all right. You’re walking on two legs, with me and Jason. We’re going home.
Shade could smell the dog approaching with its owner. It was wearing a leather collar, and the leash was the retractable nylon kind. He whined, high in his throat, and then cringed at the ensuing bark up ahead.
Shade, we’re all fine. You’re safe. We’re going home with Jason, to his apartment. We’ve lived there with him for nearly four months, remember?
“Whoa, girl! Hey, calm down!” A young woman was walking the dog, a beautiful golden retriever. She smiled in apology as they approached, the dog clearly tugging her along. “Hi,” she said with a laugh, dozens of black braids swinging. “Sorry! She’s a little excited to be out, I guess. Can you believe this weather? And the forecast said rain!”
“It’s lovely,” Chase replied. “But I’m sorry, my partner here is scared of dogs. Do you mind keeping her leash short while we pass you?”
Shade felt the woman’s eyes fall on him, knew instinctively that she was taking in the fact that he was trembling, and hated, hated the pity he heard in her voice. “Oh sure, of course! I’m sorry. Here, Lola, c’mere, girl.”
With Chase and Jason on either side of him, Chase murmuring through the sync, Shade was able to walk past, clamping down hard on the noises instinctively rising from his throat.
“Have a great day!” the woman called over her shoulder. And then quieter, “C’mon girl, let’s run a little, huh?”
“Home now please,” Shade managed, after they were far enough away he felt verbal again.
“Of course,” Chase said.
“This way’s the fastest route,” Jason added, steering them. They walked quickly, and when they reached the complex it was Jason who kept going, leading them straight for the elevators.
“We’ll get up faster this way,” he murmured.
Shade nodded and stared at his feet. “Sorry,” he said. “Know you don’t like.”
“Hey.” Jason leaned forward. “I like you a lot more than I hate elevators.”
And Shade managed a smile at that. “Good,” he said. But he still felt bad. Normally he wasn’t too bad around dogs—avoided them but could deal with it if he heard them or passed them on the street. He didn’t like it, but he could cope.
But it’d been a few weeks since he’d been in nature outside, both of them busy with Jason and Shade unable to go out without someone else for exactly this reason, and the rush of other sights and sounds and smells, that coupled with the sudden dog, that particular breed and—a lot of things had rushed back.
He’d been taken out for walks a few times, back when…. “Shade!” And then through the sync, Shade, you’re with me! It’s Chase! Chase, remember? And Jason. Jason is here too, and he’s worried, Shade. Come back to us?
Shade blinked. They were in the apartment. They’d managed to walk him inside, sit him down on the living room couch. Jason was hovering anxiously, crouched at the foot of it.
“No,” Shade said, voice a whine. “Humans sit on couch.”
Jason sucked in a breath but immediately bounced to his feet, coming to sit on Shade’s other side, bracketing him. Shade whined again and turned to press his face into Chase’s shoulder, reaching blindly with his other hand to grab for Jason, who took Shade’s hand between both of his own.
They spent a few minutes just sitting, Shade trying to calm down. When he came to again, he realized Jason was caressing his hand with his own, fingers running over Shade’s thumb, the back of his hand, his palm.
“Sorry,” he managed after another minute. “Fine now.”
“Are you sure?” Jason asked, not moving away and not letting go of Shade’s hand. Shade nodded. The memories weren’t as visceral. He could deal with being himself now. He was fine.
“Sorry Jason worried,” he said. “Sorry, Chase.”
“You know you don’t have to apologize,” Chase murmured, moving to pull Shade close, tuck him into his side. “I’m sorry it got sprung on you. Do you want to go lie down?”
“Want to stay here,” Shade said. “Safe… allowed on couch?”
“Damn right you’re allowed,” Jason said immediately. “All furniture always. That includes the kitchen table too,” he added. “But only if you want to.”
Shade shuddered. He didn’t like being around kitchen tables.
“Can I ask what happened?” Jason asked, tentative. “What the trigger was, I mean? Any way I can help you guys avoid this—”
“Was dog,” Shade said, tired but willing to speak because Jason had asked. “Gold dog. Was the dog mods were based on. Other dogs usually okay.” He felt more than heard Jason suck in another breath.
“Shade, I’m so sorry,” Jason said. “I—I’m sorry.”
Shade hiccuped a laugh. “Now Jason knows how Shade feels when Jason hurts. Remember, okay? How this feels. How much Shade wants to help Jason when he hurts.” He yawned, power module doing funny things after having so much anxious energy run through it.
“You should rest,” Chase said, nudging at Shade’s shoulder. “At least let me get you a portable power pack. Jason will stay with you.” Loath to lose Chase at his side but even more unwilling to move, Shade nodded.
Chase got up, and Shade immediately curled toward Jason to make up for the lost contact. Jason didn’t hesitate, simply opened his arms and held Shade tight, just the way he liked it.
“It’s really a day for physical contact, huh,” Jason said, trying to lighten the mood. “First I get Chase to myself, now I get you. And I’m not even freaking out at all. This is a record for me, you know.”
“Something good from this,” Shade said, snuggling even closer into Jason’s side. “Glad of that, at least.” He could feel Jason stiffen next to him and cursed himself for his word choice.
“I didn’t—I didn’t mean to play down what happened. Shade, I’m sorry, I never meant—”
“Shade knows,” he interrupted. “Is okay. Things happen. Jason not allowed to feel bad.”
“I… I won’t if you don’t.”
Shade pulled back just far enough to eye Jason before snuggling close again. “Deal.”
IN THE morning, Jason rolled off the couch and headed back to the mat room. Did his usual routine of using the bathroom and shower, and then, for the first time in a while, spent some time staring down his reflection in the mirror. His back was where the worst of it was, being an easy target, but his arms had their own share of scars. Outside of medical personnel, the only people who had ever really seen Jason without layers of clothing had been in the field. And not always friendlies.
It had been another big step to show Chase what he looked like, sans shirt. Jason had made that call, and he couldn’t regret it even a little.
All things considered, short sleeves didn’t seem all that bad. And it was the season for it, after all.
He left the bathroom for his closet, grabbing a short-sleeve shirt and, after a moment’s hesitation, a pair of shorts. He trusted Chase and Shade with all of himself, including his scars.
He didn’t think they’d disappoint him.
Shade was sitting cross-legged on the floor outside Jason’s door. He did that sometimes, waiting for Jason to start the day with them.
“Jason has arms,” Shade said, gleeful, putting a whole lot of expression into those three words. “And legs!”
“I—yeah,” Jason said, huffing a laugh and trying to squash down the part of him that was screaming about exposure. “Surprise?”
Shade rose smoothly to his feet. “May Shade?” he asked, holding out a hand.
Jason blinked at him. “Um. Sure?”
He was rewarded with a quick grin, and then Shade was taking Jason’s right arm in one hand, using the other to smooth his fingers up and down the skin. Jason stuttered in his breathing but didn’t feel the need to pull away. It was a long moment of Shade just sweeping his fingers up and down Jason’s arm.
“Like to feel you,” Shade murmured. “Nice to see more. Thank you. And… for yesterday. Thank you.” Jason swallowed and shrugged awkwardly. He hadn’t done anything that deserved a thanks. Shade must have picked up on it, because he squeezed Jason’s hand, then moved to tug him toward the kitchen. “Breakfast time,” he said. “Waiting for you. Chase making pancakes.”