TARA WANTED TO LAUGH whenever she thought about Josh stomping away.
How wrong could a guy get? Men had always complained that she was difficult to approach, never offering encouragement, and now Josh McGregor had assumed she was interested in him?
While she found Josh attractive and had provoked him, that didn’t mean she was interested in a relationship, especially after her experience with Pierre.
Tara’s humor fled at the memory, and she flinched. She’d actually considered marrying Pierre until that last night—or rather, the morning after, when he’d compared her sexual prowess to a fish. She’d told him to drop dead.
Restless, Tara got up and walked around the office. The expansive views made it an enticing place to work. Walt had told her that when he’d moved into the building he’d expanded the existing windows to provide vistas of both the ranch and the garden where his wife spent so much time in the summer.
Lord.
Tara rested her forehead on a cool pane of glass and wished she understood why some people were lucky in love and others ended up with someone like Pierre. Was she somehow undeserving? After all, she’d been pushing people away since infancy.
The thought was dismal, and it didn’t bode well for her having a relationship with anyone, much less her sister. Lauren could ultimately decide it wasn’t worth trying to get close to someone who had so much trouble with intimacy.
Tara didn’t know why she’d told Josh about her childhood. He couldn’t possibly understand what it had been like and might even look down on her because of it. Growing up she’d discovered that a lot of people were suspicious about children in foster care, as if they’d come from questionable backgrounds.
With a sigh she sat down at the desk again, looking at a document she’d found earlier. It was an old survey of the Boxing N Ranch. The number of acres seemed huge. She didn’t know the usual size of ranches in Montana, although she’d heard that the McGregor holdings were equally large.
It was interesting. People in town didn’t speak about either family as if they were out of the ordinary. She’d known folks who either resented or sucked up to those with financial success. But in Schuyler, both the McGregors and Nelsons seemed to be respected for hardworking values and old ranching traditions.
Walt limped into the office about four o’clock and sank into his favorite easy chair. He didn’t say anything for more than an hour, so Tara quietly kept working until he started talking. As usual it was less a conversation than a monologue. Starting with family history, he roamed over a century and a half of Montana ranching.
Once in a while he said something about his wife. Tara was always careful not to look closely at him when he mentioned Evelyn; it was as if his sorrow made him feel exposed and vulnerable.
“I messed up,” he said at one point. “I was supposed to retire and we were going to go visit all the places we’d dreamed of exploring. But I kept putting it off and then it was too late.”
“I’m sure she understood.”
“Perhaps.” He squared his shoulders. “Have you decided where you’re going next?”
“Basically I’ve narrowed it down to Berlin, Rome or Madrid. I’ve visited all of them and want to see more.”
His face grew more melancholy again. “Evelyn especially wanted to visit Italy. She was an art major in college and loved the Renaissance masters.”
“Perhaps you could go in her memory?”
“No,” he returned brusquely. “It wouldn’t be the same without her. I only have the ranch left, and I can’t even handle the Boxing N without Josh. I’m a useless old man.”
“Ridiculous,” Tara shot back. “You’re only in your seventies. You have a brother in his eighties who’s still going strong. From what I hear, Mitch Nelson manages to thoroughly enjoy life. In fact, according to Lauren, he’s a favorite with the widows in town.”
Walt chuckled. “True enough.” He pushed himself to his feet. “Did you know it’s past six?”
Tara checked her watch and laughed. “No, I lost track of the time.”
“We have plenty of daylight left. How about a short ride?”
“Sure. Just give me a chance to change my clothes.”
“I’ll get the horses saddled.”
As Walt left she turned off the computer and stretched. She didn’t know when she’d come to care so much about the lonely old man who missed his wife more than his family seemed to realize. Not that she’d heard that from anyone except Josh, but nothing suggested his family saw things differently. Though all things considered, Josh was hardly going to confide in her.
Walt’s grief tugged at her heart. What would it be like to love someone so much that it was a struggle to find meaning in life without them? Was the joy of the years together worth risking the pain of losing them? At some point she might be able to ask Walt those questions, but his wounds were too raw, and she’d probably leave Schuyler before he’d healed enough.
Of course, there was no reason she couldn’t visit him whenever she came back to see Lauren. It was nice to think she’d have a second reason to return to Schuyler. And with a little luck, she could avoid Josh on those visits.
Grimacing, Tara went into the bathroom and changed into her riding clothes. Walt had suggested she keep some at the office, and they’d gone out riding whenever possible. She enjoyed it, even when she found it difficult to put Josh out of her mind.
It might not have been the smartest thing to set herself up as Walt’s ally against his grandson, but that was what she wanted to be. At the same time, she had to admit that Josh was clearly caught between two painful positions—he cared about his grandfather, but he also needed to be his own man, running the Boxing N.
She’d also seen enough of the ranch’s finances to know it had to start turning a profit. Right now the Boxing N was losing money. Maybe the Nelsons and McGregors were wealthy enough to carry it for a while, but as an accountant, she found it unnerving to see a business in the red.
Not that she was going to admit any of that to Josh.
* * *
TARA GOT INTO her car an hour later. She’d enjoyed the ride with Walt, but memories of kissing Josh returned, and she fastened her seat belt in frustration. It was like the difference between smelling chocolate and actually having the dark, rich flavor sliding over her tongue.
At the same time, she agreed that it shouldn’t be repeated...probably the only thing she and Josh agreed about.
Regrettably, her resolve didn’t cool the heat she felt whenever she thought about him. It just went to show that you didn’t have to like a man to find him sexy.
There was no justice in wanting to crawl into a hayloft with the guy, however tempting it might be to discover if sex could be better than her experience suggested. But even if she tried, it would probably come to nothing. And ultimately, she wasn’t willing to try again, however great the temptation.
* * *
CARL WAS DELIGHTED when he found Lauren’s message on his voice mail. The suggestion of pansies and another approach must have been right on target. He’d have to thank Tara again.
The next afternoon he arrived at Lauren’s door at exactly four forty-five. She opened when he knocked, and he gazed at her in admiration. The soft blue dress showed off her figure, the skirt flowing around her hips to below her knees. She looked sweet and feminine and incredibly attractive.
“Hi,” he said, resisting the urge to kiss her on the cheek. After all, he’d promised himself to take it slower this time around.
“Hi, Carl,” she replied with a smile. “You didn’t mention where we were going. Is this okay?” She brushed a hand over her dress.
“You look terrific. I thought we could check out the Italian place in Windy Bluff since we had Mexican the last time.”
“That’s nice.”
They drove to the nearby town, chatting about Schuyler’s upcoming Independence Day celebration. It was still over six weeks away, but the town was revving up for it with a lot of energy.
“It’s wonderful to live in a place with so much community spirit,” she said.
“Yeah, Schuyler keeps us busy during the summer, with both big and small events. I just learned the Nelsons will be holding their annual dance after all. There’s also a rodeo and the volunteer fire department’s barbecue. I’m thinking of entering the chili cook-off that’s part of rodeo week.”
Lauren smiled. “You cook?”
“I’m not bad, but my chili is fantastic, even if it’s immodest to say so.”
She laughed and he enjoyed the way it sounded...definitely something he could get used to hearing often.
“Spicy chili or mild?” she asked.
“I’ll make it whichever way you like it best,” he told her as he parked at the restaurant.
“Oh.”
Carl thought her cheeks colored slightly and she bit her lip, as though uncertain or uncomfortable.
“Don’t bother trying to make it according to my preferences,” she added and he was again unsure what she was trying to tell him.
Inside the restaurant, the maître d’ nodded at him. Carl had driven over at lunchtime to ensure everything would be just right.
They were led to a secluded table where a small basket of blue and yellow pansies sat in the middle. Lauren looked apprehensive.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.
“Uh, no. It’s just that pansies aren’t usual for a restaurant, especially an Italian place.”
“I ordered them for tonight.”
“That was...um, thoughtful.” Her voice had a hesitant edge, and she seemed to grow more nervous.
“Tell me more about yourself,” he said after they had ordered. “What was it like to learn you had a twin sister?”
“Strange. I thought we’d be instantly close, only we’re too different. But I think it’s getting better. When we first met in Paris it was really awkward.”
Carl nodded. “I like Tara, though she does seem challenging to get to know well. Still, she’s the one who told me that you like pansies.”
“I don’t remember mentioning it, but she never forgets anything. Even the smallest detail.”
They continued talking, sharing some of their history. She seemed surprised he’d grown up in Maryland.
“You’re such a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, I thought you were born and raised in Missouri. You never supported the Orioles?”
“When I was little, sure. They’re a good team, but I always liked the Cardinals.” Carl stopped and cleared his throat, recalling the way he’d gone on and on about his team’s baseball stats and season prospects during their first date, months earlier. “Anyhow, I kind of adopted St. Louis as my hometown when I moved.”
“When did you decide to go into law enforcement?”
“When I was five—mostly because my dad was a cop.”
Lauren laughed. “Did you ever think about anything else?”
“Naturally. A year later I decided to be an astronaut, followed by a fervent desire to become a major league pitcher.”
“What happened?”
“I realized it required the ability to throw a ball straight, so I thought being president of the United States would do instead. What were your dreams?”
Another strained expression crossed her face, but she answered lightly. “Typical, I suppose. A ballerina. For a while I wanted to be an astronaut, too, and when I was really little, I wanted to be a professional kitten holder.”
“Then you must like cats,” he said eagerly, pleased to find something else in common.
“What’s not to like? They’re rotten little monsters who purr.”
He grinned. Lauren was definitely a cat person.
She stirred restlessly and glanced around the restaurant. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to freshen up.”
“Sure.”
He watched her walk between the tables, the soft fabric of her dress swishing around her curves. Heat flickered through him, and he reminded himself to go slow.
* * *
LAUREN WENT INTO the ladies’ room with a sigh of relief. The evening wasn’t going the way she’d anticipated. Carl wasn’t acting as if the evening was dinner between friends—he’d ordered flowers for the table and he kept smiling at her in a way that seemed more romantic than friendly.
She should have known better. In fact, she had known better—she’d just wanted to spend more time with him. That had been her problem when they first started dating. She’d realized they weren’t suited and kept justifying accepting invitations because she liked him.
“Is something wrong?” a voice inquired and she swung around to see a woman with a pleasant face surrounded by silvery hair.
“Uh, no. I mean, it’s complicated.”
“I noticed you’re here with a very handsome young man. Is he the complication?”
Lauren shrugged, not sure how much she should say. Windy Bluffs was close enough to Schuyler that it wasn’t unusual for gossip to pass between the two communities. It had happened the last time she’d eaten there with Carl, after all. Still, she longed to discuss the situation with someone.
“You look very nice together,” the older woman added helpfully.
“We... Um, it isn’t like that. We’re just friends.”
The lady chuckled. “Is that what you want?”
No. That was the worst of it. Lauren might have tried to fool herself, but she’d known Carl was still interested. She even wanted him to pursue her, while the scared, uncertain child inside knew it was a bad idea.
“I guess not,” she admitted.
“In that case, good luck, dear. Me and my Harry, we’ve been together fifty-seven years today, though I never thought we’d make it past our third date.”
“Congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful anniversary celebration,” Lauren said.
Once she was alone, Lauren washed her hands and stared at herself in the mirror.
“You’re an idiot,” she told herself, “but you’d better find the courage to do the right thing.”
* * *
CARL WAS SURPRISED when an elderly lady smiled and winked at him as she walked past the table. But Lauren came soon after and he stood to pull out her chair.
“It isn’t necessary,” she protested.
“My grandfather would never forgive me if I didn’t behave as a gentleman,” he answered. “He has very strict ideas.”
“That’s nice.”
“My grandparents will be coming out to visit Schuyler in a few months and I’m sure you’ll meet them.”
“Oh, I hope they won’t need to visit the clinic.”
“I meant that I want to introduce them to you.”
The uncertainty in her face seemed to grow. “I always enjoy meeting people.”
“What led you into medicine instead of ballet?” Carl asked, deciding to change the subject.
“I wanted a career that helped people, and I enjoy science. Medicine seemed to be a good combination. How did you circle back to law enforcement from your dreams of the presidency?”
He grinned. “At five it was about being the hero.”
“And later?” she asked.
“Same as you, I wanted to help people, except I decided to do it by protecting them from the bad guys.” He sighed. “But after years in various cities dealing with some of the worst that the world has to offer, I started getting cynical.”
“You’ve never seemed cynical to me.”
“That’s good to hear. Basically, I didn’t like the kind of person I was turning into and made a change. It’s a good thing we didn’t meet while I was cop in St. Louis. You probably wouldn’t have liked me.”
Lauren didn’t reply for a minute, then leaned forward, looking resolute. “Carl, you’re a great guy and a terrific sheriff. Everyone says they feel safer now you’re here. But I...I’m just not the right person for you to...”
Carl waited while she stopped. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to enjoy what she had to say.
“On your note you wrote that you wanted to go out as friends,” she finally continued. “But now you’re acting as if you’re interested in a different kind of relationship.”
Carl was chagrined. Even when he was determined to restrain himself, he hadn’t managed to do it. “I am.”
“It’s flattering. But the thing is...with your job and who you are...you need to be with someone who has more guts. I don’t have what you need. If you think about it, I couldn’t even tell you that when we were dating a few months ago.”
Stillness settled over Carl. He’d been right—Lauren had been trying to warn him away again. He just hadn’t wanted to accept it. It wasn’t the first time. He’d dated more than one woman who’d decided they couldn’t handle his work. But with Lauren it was far harder to be philosophical.
“I understand. In that case, friends it is,” he said, forcing a smile.
She looked relieved. “Absolutely.”
They ordered and the conversation flowed, Lauren more relaxed now. He’d never push her into something she didn’t think she could handle. It was tough enough to make a relationship work and even harder for a law enforcement officer. His own parents were evidence enough of that. After all, they’d gotten divorced because of it.
* * *
SINCE HER SISTER was working Saturday morning, Tara went out to the ranch to visit Walt and do more planning for the dance.
Josh met her as she got out of the car, and she hoped he wasn’t going to launch another discussion of why they shouldn’t have kissed. Once was bad enough—a second time would be downright insulting.
“Grandpa told me you’re working on the Boxing N dance,” he said brusquely.
It sounded like an accusation, and Tara raised her chin. “Yes. He said your mother has been asking about it, but he needed help making the arrangements, especially since there wasn’t much time left to put it together.”
“I see.” Josh’s face had its usual uptight expression.
“Let me guess. It’s your ranch and your land, so you’re upset that no one asked permission to hold a dance.” Yet as soon as Tara spoke, she knew it wasn’t fair. Walt should have talked to his grandson about the dance; she just didn’t want to acknowledge that to Josh.
“Not at all,” he returned stiffly. “But you were hired to organize the office, not plan social events. Are you expanding your résumé?”
“I’m doing it because Walt asked and he’s a... That is, I just wanted to help.” Tara had stopped herself from saying that Walt was a friend, but it was true. She’d come to care about him and knew he felt the same for her.
It was a peculiar revelation. She’d done things many people would call exotic and unique, odd or amazing, but to her, being able to call someone a friend was out of the ordinary, and warmth curled inside her at the thought.
Tara’s chin shot higher. Her arrangements with his grandfather weren’t Josh’s concern. “So what is your problem?”
He sighed. “Nothing, I guess. It’s just that the dance was something Grandma loved, and it almost seems wrong to have it so soon. She hasn’t even been gone for eight months.”
Tara’s exasperation vanished. How could she possibly understand how it felt to lose someone she loved as much as Josh had loved his grandmother?
“Wouldn’t she want the event to continue?” she asked carefully. “Walt told me it was special to her.”
Josh released a heavy breath. “Yes, that’s why I told Betty at the Roundup Café that we’d have it next year.”
“The dance is in two weeks,” Tara murmured. “If you prefer, you could help your grandfather instead of me.”
Josh instantly looked alarmed. Yet a curious thought came to her... Both men cherished Evelyn’s memory. Wasn’t that the most important common ground between them...not the Boxing N Ranch?
“I think Grandpa would prefer working with you,” Josh said, “but I’d like to be the one who pays for the time you spend on making the party arrangements.”
Though anger welled in Tara, she tried not to let it take control.
“The other day I saw an article from something called the Schuyler Outpost, dated August 20, 1892,” she commented casually. “It talked about hoof-and-mouth disease.”
Josh’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “The Outpost was the town newspaper back then. Luckily we’ve never had an outbreak of hoof-and-mouth in the area.”
“I disagree... I think you have a raging infection right now. You have a lot of nerve trying to pay me for doing Walt a favor. He’s my friend and I’m glad to work with him on this.” She spoke more loudly than she’d intended.
A dull red crept up Josh’s neck. “I wasn’t trying to insult you.”
“Maybe so, but stop making assumptions about me and everyone else,” she advised tightly.
With that, she turned and unlocked the office door to wait for Walt.
* * *
LAUREN FINISHED HER SHIFT at the clinic and walked back to her apartment. She was unbelievably tired. Now that the workday was over, her depression came rushing back, along with exhaustion. It was amazing how much energy it had required to push her feelings aside and focus on patients.
She’d done what was necessary and told Carl to find someone who was strong enough to stand by his side and be a true partner. He didn’t need a wimp who’d panic because he was in danger or couldn’t even voice her opinion if she disagreed with him.
Sometimes doing the right thing was a real “pain in the neck traveling south,” as Tara sometimes described it.
Her sister was sitting in the grassy area in front of the apartment, reading a book. Despite everything on her mind, it made Lauren feel good that her sister would simply drop by for a visit.
“Hey.”
“Hey, back.” Tara cocked her head and frowned. “What’s up? You look as if something is wrong.”
Lauren’s eyes widened. She’d become an expert at hiding unpleasant feelings from people in case they rocked the boat. How had Tara guessed something was going on beneath the mask?
“I...” She bit her lip and blinked back a threatening tear. Part of her wanted to pour everything out to her sister, and another part still worried that Tara would think less of her.
Tara stood and tucked her book in a bag. “Maybe we should go inside to talk.”
Mutely Lauren nodded. She unlocked her door, and they went into the apartment. Sinking into the couch, she tucked her legs under her and watched as Tara took the chair opposite.
“Okay,” she said, “what’s wrong?”
“It’s truly silly.” Lauren gulped. “It isn’t as if I broke up with Carl. We weren’t even going out, not really.”
Tara winced. “I’m afraid this is my fault. In spite of what you said about not clicking, I thought you liked him. So when he asked for advice, I thought he should give it another try. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t blame yourself. I don’t want to like him, but I do,” Lauren admitted.
“Then what happened?”
“Nothing. I just told him that anything other than friendship was out of the question.”
“Is this about you thinking you aren’t bold enough?”
Lauren nodded miserably. “Yes, though it’s also partly because his work is so dangerous. He could get hurt or killed whenever he goes on duty. Even when he isn’t on duty, he’s on duty. You should have seen him break up a fistfight one time when we were at the movies. But it’s a lot more than that. I’m scared of arguments,” she admitted in a rush. “Even when people have small disagreements I get cold chills.”
“Why does conflict bother you so much?” Tara asked gently.
“My folks. It was wonderful when they adopted me, but their marriage was in trouble, even then. They argued constantly, and it got to the point that I cringed if anyone raised their voice or got upset. It always felt as if everything was about to get ripped away.”
Instead of scorn, Lauren saw sympathy in Tara’s eyes. “That must have been awful. You’ve never said anything about it.”
“I...didn’t want to tell you because...well, I didn’t want you to think I was stupid. Not to mention it seems selfish to complain about my family when you never got adopted. So here we are—you’re brave and I’m nothing but a coward.”
She was stunned when Tara laughed. “Good grief, Lauren. In some ways you’re braver than me. I would never have the nerve to give someone a shot or stitch up an injury. But it doesn’t matter, anyhow. You’re my sister. I’ve got my own hang-ups from childhood, and yours aren’t any worse than mine.”
Lauren slowly let the air out of her lungs. “Except you’re always confident and put together.”
“I learned early not to show weakness. That way nobody can hurt you, because they can’t find anything to exploit.”
It made Lauren sad, perhaps because Tara sounded so calm and matter-of-fact. For herself, she only remembered living in one foster home before being adopted. Children had come and gone in the Baxter household, and while they had made it clear they were guardians, not real parents, they’d been kind people.
“What did Carl say when you told him you just wanted friendship?” Tara asked.
“He was nice. I mean, he didn’t get upset or anything.”
Curiously, Lauren knew she might feel better if Carl had pushed harder, but he’d accepted her decision without protest. She supposed that deep down, a lot of women wanted someone who would fight for them, no matter how many barriers were put in their way.
Her spirits lifted marginally as she and Tara ate dinner together. They were growing closer. Tara had even recognized she was upset. Before, Emily was the only person who would have seen how she was really feeling.
It was something she could hug to herself when she tried to sleep that night.
* * *
JOSH SAT ON THE porch of the foreman’s house late into the evening, staring toward his grandparents’ home. At some point he’d have to either build his own place or build another one for the foreman. It was okay for now. Clyde and his wife were buying a home in Schuyler and didn’t want to move out to the Boxing N. Josh could cover any emergencies that came up at night, and Clyde could always be reached by phone if needed.
At the moment there were other issues to consider.
The annual party had become a well-established tradition, starting with his grandparents’ marriage, though the Boxing N had hosted community barn dances for over a hundred years. And it seemed as if everyone had been sad that it might not take place.
But Josh’s frustration had mounted that morning when one of the hands mentioned he was supposed to mow the pasture for the event and fill the gopher holes. Once more, things were happening on the ranch without his permission, even without his knowledge. Then he’d learned that Tara was involved, and it had almost felt as if she was taking Grandma Evelyn’s place.
Why hadn’t Walt asked his daughter to help? Sarah McGregor should be the one planning and organizing, not a prickly city woman.
Suddenly realizing his mom might be upset about it, Josh called her. But before he could say anything about the party, she thanked him for talking his grandfather into holding it, refusing to believe he hadn’t been involved in Walt’s decision. She felt it was a good sign that he was taking matters into his own hands.
And it was.
When the call was over, Josh took a deep breath and stood. He’d acted like an ass. Unfortunately it wasn’t the first time, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.