Marissa scraped the ice off her window, glancing inside the Mini to see Ellie curled up on the front seat, attentive and raring to go. Marissa was feeling less than enthused. After nearly a full six weeks of quiet, the idea of going back to work was a daunting one. She loved her job; she was terrific at it. But her work required a willingness to look down into the darkness and follow wherever that led. The last case had been way too close to home. By all accounts, she should have never been allowed to participate in the investigation, let alone lead it.
Of course, since that case had been closed, Marissa had barely left home. Not that it was all bad. She had spent those weeks adjusting to her new medications, new routines, and unexpected but welcome time with Mac.
It was Mac who had encouraged her to take Ronnie’s call. Since he had to head into Seattle anyway, it would give her something to do. Give her something other than her family drama to focus on. Or the letters. Of course, in hindsight, she probably should have asked Mac to get the ice off her car before he headed on to the ferry. Fuck, she couldn’t wait for winter to be over.
Once enough ice was off the windshield, she got into the driver’s seat and typed her destination into the GPS. It wasn’t a long drive, just into the state park along the coast. Turning the radio on and making sure the heat was on, she headed to where her phone directed her. Marissa hadn’t really gotten any of the details of the scene she was running to, but she could only imagine. Perks of being a homicide detective. Ellie sat up and stuck her nose to the top of the cracked window, her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. She at least seemed excited to be getting back to work.
The drive didn’t take long, and snow still littered the ground as they pulled up behind Ronnie’s police car. She put the Mini in park and stepped out, letting Ellie follow behind her. Ronnie poked her head from around the thick foliage, the high ground from where Marissa and Ellie stood.
“Up here. I’ve got the medical examiner on call and ready to head up this way, but I figured you’d want to take a look before they arrived.” She hesitated. “This is a rough one, just so you’re prepared.”
Marissa nodded her head and headed up her way. She saw exactly what Ronnie meant as she reached the top of the steep incline when the ground flattened out into a small clearing. Leaning against a tree was the girl. She couldn’t have been older than twenty. Looking almost like a porcelain doll, her skin was nearly the color of the snow, except where the snow was stained with blood. Both arms lay open at her sides, her wrists slit. Her blond hair was covered by the snow and ice, long and over her shoulder. She wasn’t dressed warmly, wearing jeans, a shirt, a denim jacket, and old, worn sneakers.
“Fuck.” Marissa muttered, kneeling down beside her. There was no natural way to tell how long she had been out there, considering the snow and freezing temperatures. Very carefully, she closed the dead girl’s open eyes, now with that yellow tint that followed death, and sighed, turning and sitting down in the snow.
Ellie was sniffing the area, and Ronnie stood beside her, leaning against a tree, shaking her head. “I can’t imagine going like that.”
“At least the last thing she saw was beautiful,” Marissa said softly, folding her arms over her knees and looking out at the view. The clearing was settled on a cliffside overlooking the water, nothing but waves rolling over each other into the horizon. “Did she have an ID? Any belongings?”
Veronica shook her head. “Nothing. There was nothing. Just the razor blade in her hand.”
Marissa sighed heavily, brushing hair from her eyes before glancing up, feeling the snow before she saw it start to fall. “We need to get her out of here, see if we can figure out who she is.” Find out what drove her to it. Taking one last look at the view, Marissa got to her feet, brushing the wet snow and dirt off her pants before looking around. It wasn’t even close to a camping ground. This girl had come to the middle of nowhere to die alone. Suddenly, Marissa felt light-headed. “Give Davenport and Foster a call.” The medical examiner and his assistant, who they all prayed would take over for the ancient M.E. soon. Foster was well past his retiring years, and while he was gifted at his job, he had slowed down significantly. “I’m gonna head back. Let me know when they find something. I’ll start going through missing persons from the house.” Marissa didn’t wait to hear Veronica’s response; she turned and headed back down toward the car. Ellie hurried to her side, whining once they reached the car, unhappy with her mom’s sudden condition.
Getting in the car, Marissa started it and grabbed the wheel but didn’t move for a moment. Ellie barked at her from the passenger seat, but she continued to stare straight ahead, lost in her thoughts momentarily. It felt like something had crept up on her, taken her by the shoulder, and led her somewhere she didn’t want to be. Not quite an out-of-body experience, but close enough. Shuddering, Marissa shook it off, refusing to feel what threatened to come to the surface, and turned the Mini Cooper around, heading back into town. She was on autopilot the whole way home.
Once the cooper was back in the driveway, Marissa put the car in park and sighed. Mac’s car wasn’t in either driveway, though it spent far more time in hers than in his own. Clyde spent about half the time across the street, the other half in Seattle. He didn’t appear to be there at the moment, either. Ellie nudged her arm, bringing her back to the present. Scratching the shepherd behind her ears with one hand, she grabbed her phone with the other.
For a moment, she thought about calling Mac. But the truth was, if he wasn’t back yet, he was still working or driving. Scrolling, she stopped at Jared’s name for a moment before continuing on. It still didn’t feel right scrolling past the person she used to call for everything. There was a hole that couldn’t be filled. Eventually, after running through all the contacts in her phone a couple of times, she stopped at the number Dr. Bailey had offered. A sort of crisis line if it couldn’t wait until their session. She knew she couldn’t always answer, but it was an option for what Marissa could only assume were her more needy, desperate clients. A category Marissa definitely fits into.
After talking to herself in circles, she finally called the number. Part of her was hoping it would just go to voicemail, but a soft voice answered the other line.
“This is Susanne Bailey.”
“Hi, Dr. Bailey,” Marissa let out a sigh. “This is Marissa Ambrose. I’m sorry to call…”
“Not at all, my dear,” she said kindly on the other end of the line. “I’ve got about twenty minutes until my next appointment. What can I do for you?”
Marissa took her free hand and ran it over her face as she closed her eyes, breathing out a soft sigh. “I don’t really know.” She didn’t know how to put it into words. With her eyes closed, she could see the girl’s lifeless body in the snow again. It wasn’t like death was a new sight for Marissa. It came with the territory. This wasn’t even her first suicide. Marissa could feel her heart start to race, hitting hard against her chest, putting her free hand down in her lap as it began to shake. “I responded to my first call today. Pretty routine.” She had to push the words out. “It appears to be a suicide. A girl, she couldn’t have been older than twenty-two. It looks like she went up the mountain to be alone, found a beautiful view, and just … ended it.”
“I see.” Dr. Bailey said after a moment of silence. “So it’s something you’ve seen before, and yet…” She was giving Marissa room to say more. The problem was, Marissa didn’t know what it was.
“I don’t know. It just…” Marissa stopped herself before she completely fell apart. She could feel herself on edge and had no idea why. Shoving her hair back, she took another deep breath. “It felt different.”
Without missing a beat, Dr. Bailey jumped back in. “So, I know it’s not something we’ve covered yet, but was suicide something you considered after the incident?”
Marissa shook her head, although it couldn’t be seen from the other side of the phone. “No,” she said simply.
“Okay, let me ask you a different question. Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“What?” The question completely caught Marissa off guard.
“Where do you see yourself in five years? Or if it’s easier, in two years?”
Marissa opened her mouth to answer, but words failed her. The truth was, she hadn’t given it much thought. She hadn’t given it any thought.
“Let’s say you arrest your stalker tomorrow, and you are 100% free to live as you want. What do you do?”
Again, words failed her. Marissa wasn’t sure why. She honestly hadn’t given it any thought. Marissa had pushed everyone important away. There was Mac now, but she couldn’t even put a label on their relationship. The realization that she didn’t see herself with a future all but knocked the wind out of her.
“You don’t have to actively want to die to give up on life.” Dr. Bailey said gently. “You have a lot of trauma and scary stuff you haven’t been able to deal with. Not to mention the physical pain that comes with it all. I can imagine it has to be hard to want to make plans.”
Ellie started to lick Marissa’s face as tears fell, her mouth still hanging open, failing to produce words.
“Is there anyone else who can work this girl’s case?” Dr. Bailey asked gently.
“Not really. We’ve got missing hikers, so most of the department is working on that.” Marissa wiped her face, rubbing Ellie’s neck. “It won’t take much though. It appears pretty open and shut. I just need to identify her.”
Dr. Bailey sighed, but her voice was still gentle when she started talking again. Despite how upsetting the words had been, her voice was still soothing. “Okay. But I want you to recognize if it is too much and allow yourself to walk away. I want to talk more about this with you … maybe before Friday. Would you be available for a phone appointment? Maybe tomorrow?”
Marissa again nodded to no one but Ellie before actually answering. When she got off the phone, Marissa wasn’t sure if she genuinely felt any better, but she felt the weight of Dr. Bailey’s words.
Getting out of the car, she glanced at her mailbox but chose to keep walking to her door. Even if there was an envelope in there, it would have been too much at that moment. She felt exhausted. She took off Ellie’s gear, locked the front door, and collapsed on the couch, not even bothering to take off her shoes. Pulling the throw pillow close, she felt Wicket crawl onto her back and start purring loudly. She wanted nothing more than to sleep, but as she closed her eyes, the scene she had just returned from filled her vision. It didn’t matter how many crime scenes she had seen or how many dead bodies she had come across in her time on the force; it never got easier. When Marissa worked for the Seattle PD, cases like this were common. When she was promoted to detective, she was the youngest woman to do so in her unit. Working homicide was more than an acquired taste, but Marissa used to be able to compartmentalize well. Rarely did work spill over into the rest of her life. And she was good at what she did. She could read people. But then the warehouse happened.