The day his wife left him, Sabzi was on the pot – the very same one she had finally agreed to have replaced because its diameter wasn’t long enough for his seated bottom with the result that his penis tended to hang over the rim, causing him to manually pick it up by the shaft and immerse the head into the airspace inside the bowl if he wanted to urinate while waiting to crap without the urine landing on the bathroom floor – bent over the day’s paper, reading another report about an old couple dispatched by their cook and driver, who, the police had found out, were lovers, and had packed the bodies of the old man and the old woman in two matching expandable Duralite suitcases made from hybrid ABS/nylon material with leather trim, telescopic handle, a padlock with TSA function, two external zipped pockets, fully lined internal straps, shiny polycarbonate reinforced side panels, and four racing-style spinner wheels that were ideal for packing and transporting bodies, the lead investigator was quoted as saying, for the separate water-proof compartments were also vacuum sealed, giving the culprits adequate time to disperse before law enforcement could get around to scenting their trail with sniffer dogs, and the different expandable compartments of varying size were the best available in the market for packing the limbs separately from the torso pieces and the heads, and the side pockets seemed almost tailor-made for tucking in ears, noses and penises in a flaccid state, not to mention fingers, toes or any other untoward protuberances that could make fitting of body into suitcase cumbersome.
The cops had found the two suitcases – which retailed at INR 45,000 MRP per piece on luggalite.com – on a conveyor belt at Chennai airport where they had been revolving unclaimed for ninety-two hours before an observant CISF security alerted his supervisor, who alerted the bomb squad, who, seeing as how the contents of the unclaimed baggage were unlikely to blow up, alerted the cops, who alerted the media, who alerted the rest of the world, including Sabzi, whose mind, midway through the story he was reading, began oozing out of his ears, slid down his neck and chest, dropped into the toilet and sank.
It all happened so quickly, it was gone before Sabzi could react, or even formulate the thought that he was losing his mind.
With his mind gone, he didn’t feel like persisting with his excretory efforts anymore. So he got up from the pot seat, wore his shorts, and called up the Mind Recovery Helpline to report the loss of his mind. The following conversation ensued:
Help Line: Welcome to the Athos Mind Recovery Helpline. To continue in English, please dial 1. To continue in Hindi—
Sabzi dials 1.
HL: Please enter your secret seven-digit Mind Recovery Unit identification code.
Sabzi dials the seven-digit code, scratches his chin, waits.
HL: You have entered * * * * * * *. Please dial 1 to proceed, 0 to go back to the previous menu.
Sabzi dials 1.
HL: Sorry, you have entered an invalid number. Please dial 1 to retry, 2 to go back to the main menu.
Sabzi dials 1. They go through the invalid routine three times before Sabzi dials 2 to go back to the main menu. This time he gets an additional option: dial 9 to speak to a customer care executive.
Sabzi dials 9. He’s put on hold while recorded messages play in a loop.
HL: Please do not share your seven-digit Mind Recovery Unit identification code with anyone. Your call is important to us. Kindly stay on the line.
Sabzi stays on the line.
HL: We are eager to serve you. Please hold on. All our customer care executives are busy attending to other customers. Your call is important to us. Kindly stay on the line. If you stay on the line, we will tell you a story.
Sabzi stays on the line.
HL: We are eager to serve you. We regret the delay. If you continue to stay on the line a little longer, we promise we will tell you a really nice story.
Sabzi stays on the line.
HL: Thank you for holding on. Unfortunately all our customer care executives are still busy attending to other customers. And all our narrators are busy telling stories to other customers who have been holding the line patiently to speak to a customer care executive as soon as any one of them is done attending to the customer she is attending to at this present moment. Kindly stay on the line. Your call is more important to us than you can possibly imagine.
Sabzi holds the line.
HL: We regret the delay. Owing to a sudden extraordinary spike in the number of minds being lost all over the world at the same time, all our customer care executives are still busy attending to customers and helping them retrieve their minds using the Emergency Mind Retrieval Protocol, which is a long and cumbersome process that could take days or weeks or even months and years in the cases of certain customers. But do kindly stay on the line. One of our narrators will be with you shortly to help you through your waiting period with an entertaining story so gripping you will forget why you’ve been on this line all this while.
Sabzi stays on the line.
HL: Thank you for holding on. This is Khallas Jha, your narrative coordinator. While you wait for our customer care executive to speak to you, I shall organize an entertaining story for you. Kindly press 1 for crime story, 2 for romance, 3 for fantasy, 4 for science fiction, 5 for horror, 6 for historical thriller, 7 for erotica, 8 for humour, 9 for heavy depressing stuff, # for fairy tale, and * for a DIY story without plot or character or setting in which nothing happens and you only hear soothing static into which you can project vivid fantasies of your own.
Sabzi dials #.
HL: Thank you. Please hold on while we transfer your call to a fairy tale coordinator.
Sabzi holds.
HL: Thank you. This is Gina, your fairy tale coordinator. Please press 1 for Grimm’s fairy tales, 2 for Ukrainian fairy tales, 3 for Jataka tales, 4 for Russian fairy tales, 5 for Bengali fairy tales, 6 for tales with violence and bloodshed, 7 for tales with no gore, 8 for tales with witches, 9 for tales with dragons, 10 for tales involving speaking animals, # for tales with giants or dwarves, * for realistic fairy tales that do not involve magic or kings or queens or princes or princesses or any action set in kingdoms or forests.
Sabzi dials *.
HL: Thank you. You have chosen to listen to a fairy tale without any magical or pastoral or mythopoeic elements. I am Kavlyz, your narrator, and I am shortly going to commence narrating to you a fairy tale as per your specifications. Before the fairy tale begins, however, we request you to listen carefully to the following terms and conditions of the consumption of the content, including but not limited to the requested fairy tale of your specifications, produced by Athos MR. If you do not agree to the terms of the following Content Consumption Agreement (CCA), also available at www.athosmr.com, as amended from time to time by Athos MR at its discretion, Athos MR is unwilling to allow you to access the content of Athos MR and you should promptly dial 9 to speak to a narrative coordinator regarding the same.
The CCA is a legal agreement between you and Athos MR, the licensor of the content (other than the narrative content and elements thereof which is governed by other licences) included in this recording which shall be collectively referred to as ‘Stories of Athos MR’. This CCA covers Stories of Athos MR and that of Athos MR’s affiliates and third party licensors (TPLs). Stories of Athos MR includes all narrative and non-narrative content provided to you in the course of your call to the Athos MR Helpline, whether you listened to or did not listen to or recorded or did not record for later listening.
The Stories of Athos MR product from Athos MR requires a functional auditory system and an appropriate psychic state characterized by the suspension of the collectivity of ego-linked or self-linked mental processes otherwise known as ‘mind’. Your ability to enjoy Stories of Athos MR, and the perceived quality of the stories presented under the purview of Stories of Athos MR, is subject to the quality of service provided by your cellular service provider as well as the state of your psyche at the time of story consumption. The perceived quality of the characters and plot elements can vary and are dependent on the quality of your psyche and delivery by Third Party Providers. The stories, including but not limited to plot, characters, setting, suspense, descriptions, style, points of view, sentence length and structure, use or otherwise of punctuation, diction, syntax, metaphors, similes, epigraphs, chapter headings, narrators reliable and unreliable, or other elements, provided by Third Party Providers (‘Content’), and the dispensing of this Content in the course of a call to Athos MR Helpline are at the sole discretion and under the control of the Third Party Providers.
You understand, acknowledge and agree that access to certain features of Athos MR Content, including but not limited to Stories of Athos MR, requires a telephone connection for which you are solely responsible. As part of this CCA to allow you to listen to Content dispensed by Athos MR, you allow Athos MR, the Third Party Providers, and/or other third parties to collect data from, control, and/or monitor your consumption of Stories of Athos MR, your psychogeography, physical, emotional and other responses evoked in you by Stories of Athos MR as well as other elements related to your interaction with Athos MR. Athos MR is not in any way liable for such data collection. You are solely responsible for maintaining the confidentiality and privacy of any and all your interactions with Athos MR. Any data or information pertaining to you collected by Athos MR, the Third Party Providers, and/or other third parties during the course of your interaction with Athos MR may be adapted, broadcast, changed, copied, disclosed, licensed, performed, posted, published, sold, transmitted, or used by Athos MR, the Third Party Providers, and/or other third parties anywhere in the world, in any medium, for an indefinite period, and without attribution or compensation to you. Furthermore, you hereby assign all right, title, and interest in, and Athos MR is free to use, without any compensation to you, any story ideas, concepts, techniques, plots, characters, premises, or other intellectual property rights contained in your psyche and recovered from your to-be-recovered mind, whether or not patentable, for any purpose whatsoever, including but not limited to writing, editing, having written and edited, licensing, marketing, and selling stories using such materials. However, you agree and understand that Athos MR is not obligated to use any such materials contained in your psyche and/or recovered from your to-be-recovered mind, and you have no right to compel such use.
Certain stories and/or story elements of Stories of Athos MR may not be appreciated by minors or even mature audiences. Such stories and/or story elements may not always be identified in advance as gross or offensive or fatally hypnagogic. Therefore, you acknowledge that you are consuming Stories of Athos MR at your own risk and that Athos MR has no liability to you for the Content, including any Content that may be gross or offensive or fatally hypnagogic.
In no event will Athos MR (including but not limited to any negligence issues related to Third Party Licensors or Third Party Providers), its affiliates, its third party licensors or its third party providers be liable to you for any special, indirect, incidental, punitive, exemplary, or consequential damages of any kind, including but not limited to compensation, reimbursement or damages in connection with, arising out of or relating to this CCA, on account of negative psychic impact of the consumption of Stories of Athos MR, acts of self or other-directed violence or illegality or abnormality or out of the ordinary that you might engage in while or after hearing the fairy tale, failure in recovery of your mind, divorce, deepening pathology of neural circuitries, or for any other reason whatsoever, even if Athos MR, its affiliates, its third party licensors, or its third party providers have been advised of the possibility of such damages.
Athos MR strongly recommends medical or psychiatric supervision or at least the physical presence of a relative or familiar of the listener for the duration of the narration. Athos MR is the world’s largest Mind Recovery Company dedicated to uniting individuals with their minds worldwide.
Hope you enjoyed the realistic fairy tale without elements of magic or kings or queens or princes or princesses or any action set in kingdoms or forests. Please dial 1 to listen to another fairy tale without elements of magic or kings or queens or prices or princesses or any action set in kingdoms or forests, 2 to request a different narrator, 3 to speak to a fairy tale coordinator, 4 to speak to a narrative coordinator, 5 to go back to the main menu.
Sabzi dials 1.
A SWOT team broke into Sabzi’s apartment after a neighbour reported a foul smell emanating from it. They found Sabzi slumped on the sofa with the telephone on his lap. He had soiled himself. His pupils had dilated so wide you couldn’t see the whites of his eyes.
The medical unit of the SWOT team loaded him on a stretcher and rushed him to AIIMS, and from there the next morning, Thenkasi had him flown to HIMHANS, where he’s reported to be encouraging fellow inmates to do pranayama every day, for forty-five minutes in the morning during sunrise and again for forty-five minutes in the evening during sunset. The head of psychopathology and neurovirology at HIMHANS subsequently published a monograph – which was reviewed and also partly edited by Sabzi – on the therapeutic benefits of pranayama on patients suffering from multi-point psychosis.
The monograph caught the interest of an artificial intelligence sent on a reconnaissance mission to planet Earth by the advanced civilization of hyperintelligent haemorrhoids of Astra 241, who read it and filed a detailed review-summary of it for its supervisors back home. The hyperintelligent haemorrhoids of planet Astra 241 recognized the pranayama techniques and patterns described as a wholesale copy of their own breath-based language and communication system which they had been using from before the time planet Earth, let alone human beings, had been haemorrhoids, and slapped a case of copyright violation and outright plagiarism on the management of planet Earth, seeking damages of eight billion human slaves. And human beings have been slaves to the advanced civilization of hyperintelligent haemorrhoids ever since.