Again, I woke up sprawled on the ground of the sweat lodge and immediately felt the crush of hot air. I had no idea what these heat-induced flights of mind were, exactly, but I was getting sick of them. They were confusing, and exhausting, and downright weird. And it didn’t help that I had an audience. Jinky and her grandmother, cool as cucumbers, sat watching me with their pretzel-legged yoga poses. Meanwhile, I was downward-facing-dog, and probably had the slobber to complete the look. The old woman said something to Jinky.

“You have a final cycle to complete.”

Well, let’s hope, because I was back here, not on my way to find Jack. I sat up and looked around, patting my hands beside and behind me. I was searching, ridiculously, for some kind of gift.

“Are you looking for something?” Jinky asked.

Yeah. Jack Frost. And maybe a wrapped present. But neither were confessions I was about to make.

“No. I guess not.”

Shaman-granny spoke; Jinky translated, “My grandmother reminds you that once you reach your destination, you already have everything you need to succeed.”

Jinky’s grandmother waited for Jinky to stop speaking and then tapped her heart with her fist. I appreciated the vote of confidence, but, still, it would have been nice to have a map and even the most basic of itineraries.

“A little guidance couldn’t hurt,” I said.

Jinky relayed my remark; her grandmother responded, repeating one word several times: poro.

“Find poro,” Jinky said. “Trust in those who don’t talk back, but depend on yourself only.”

Okey-dokey. I made it a rule to steer clear of anyone who gave me lip, anyway. But, whatever. I filed the advice away.

Jinky’s grandmother clapped her hands. No need for translation. It was the universal get-going signal. Shaman-granny poured more water on the rocks; it spat out a fresh stream of dragon breath, making me wonder if they hadn’t brought in hot rocks from the fire while I was — was where?

“Are you ready?” Jinky asked, handing me another cup of water.

I downed its ice-cold contents in two loud gulps. “As I’ll ever be.”

Again, the old Sami woman chanted, her tone taking on a pleading quality. I became dizzy. Swirling lights tickled my skin, and that strange music danced before my eyes until I had to close them in confusion.

I woke on a deserted strip of beach. Water curled onto the pebbled shore; behind me were one or two large boulders, but beyond that, nothing but scrub. I stood, trying to tamp down the something’s-wrong sensation in my gut, when a gray and shiny lump caught my eye. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a small roll of material. I lifted it and shook it out. Surprisingly, it was almost weightless and unfurled to a much larger garment than I’d have guessed. Though cut in an odd bulging shape, it appeared to be nothing more than a hooded cape. The material itself was rubbery, but the interior was of a silver low-nap fur, soft to the touch but twinkling to the eye. Overall, it was amazing and way too killer not to test out.

As I was draping it over my shoulders, I heard a laugh. From behind one of the boulders, I caught sight of a mop of flaming red hair. I was about to walk over and investigate, except that walking no longer seemed a viable option. Holy crap. The cape was wrapping itself around me, adhering to me, like, well, skin. Eeeew. I spun with no more success than your average tail-chasing pooch. The thing continued to envelop me. Once it had finished shrink-wrapping me, and I thought the worst had to be over, I breathed. Big mistake. As my chest filled with that precious gulp of oxygen, I started to expand like Willy Wonka’s Violet, the inflatable blueberry girl. Needless to say, I ended up floundering on the beach like some belly-up roly-poly bug. Except it wasn’t the insect family I’d joined; it was, rather, the aquatic vertebrate family. I was a seal. And my fate was — uh-huh — sealed. The word fate, even as a pun, made me think of Jack. Jack. There was no time to lose.

I rolled into the water with all the grace of a fat lady struggling into her Spanx. It took me many minutes to adjust to my newly acquired girth and get the hang of the flippers. I had a newfound appreciation for the whole fish-out-of-water sensibility, even with the circumstances reversed. After some floundering, I noticed a small group of black heads bobbing in the water. The foursome nudged me with their snouts and gently pushed me farther and farther from shore. Escorts?

I had always been a decent swimmer, but this was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. For such stumpy little things, my fore and hind flippers were pretty darn nimble. And who knew that an expanded waistline could be a streamlining tool? I could tell that my companions were taking it easy on me at first, keeping to the surface and submerging for short and shallow dives. Gradually, they descended deeper and for longer periods of time. It was fascinating. I could feel my heart rate slow as if I were conserving energy. And despite the increasing depth of our dives, my vision became clearer and sounds crisper. Never a big fan of facial hair, particularly on women, I had to admit that my whiskers were handy little navigational instruments; in combination with an improved eyesight and echolike sense of hearing I used them to feel where I was going. Besides the is-this-really-happening sensation of living out some deep-sea episode of The Magic School Bus, I was getting the hang of the physiology of being a pinniped.

Other seals joined our group; we dove deeper and for much longer stretches of time. At first, I was anxious; memories of another body of water and another descent into the cold, dark abyss weighed heavily on me.

Soon I stopped guesstimating how long I’d gone without my lungs exploding, and I started to relax and marvel even at my new ability. And relaxing without breathing is no easy feat.

Urgently, we pressed onward, due north, according to my whiskers. We swam forever. Once, after having been submerged for what must have been more than an hour, I was surprised, upon breaking the surface, to see the low fireball of an orange sunrise. A new day and still no end in sight. Though I had no way of confirming it, I sensed Jack was still unaccounted for. I knew because the valve formerly known as my heart was all pump, no passion. It knew, somehow, to switch into some life-preserving, halved capacity. It needed its other half — it needed Jack.

Later, when the sun was high in the sky, we surfaced again. I intuited among my companions an emphasis on this particular up-for-air break. I had no idea where we were; water, turgid and cold, pressed us in from every side. Then all their kind black eyes seemed to turn on me at once, heads nodding in the surf until, one by one, they dipped under the waves.

Here goes, I thought, gulping air as if it were something you could stockpile, like canned peaches. I plunged down, following the others, surprised that, this time, our descent was straight down. Dear Lord, I had no idea the ocean floor was so far. Even in my fat suit, I could feel the pressure against my closed earflaps. Still downward we pushed.

I knew I’d reached a critical juncture when the seals all stopped and formed a sort of floating ring. The circle was evenly spaced with no segment missing. I knew the gesture was symbolic. I swam through their hoop and continued downward. I didn’t turn back; I didn’t need to. They’d gone as far as they could. I was on my own.

Darkness on land is temporary. Darkness underwater is eternal and plain old scare-the-bejesus-out-of-you frightening. A flashlight would have come in handy, as would have a backbone. Seriously, my resolve was as firm as the blubber keeping me warm. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore and figured I had veered off course, a blast of warm water hit my face. I approached slowly, locating the source of the spray with my snout and whiskers. Rolling with my voluminous belly and extending my foreflipper, I found myself tangled in what had to be the tentacles of some mutant octopus. I struggled until I realized it wasn’t fighting back. What I was caught in seemed to be an intricate system of roots to some sort of — what? — submerged tree. That couldn’t be, because that would mean the tree was growing upside down through the ocean floor. No longer thrashing around, I started to float downward until I again felt vents of hot water. Then, without warning, I dropped precipitously. The force of the suction was excruciating. I flailed against the vacuum; everything whooshed past me until I had to shut my eyes against the rocketing landscape. The last thing I remember was screaming in a pitch that no B-movie horror-flick actress had ever achieved. I had a future in Hollywood, if I had a future at all.