EIGHT
your gift to the world
Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.
ECKHART TOLLE
The biggest gift you can give to the world is your authentic self. That truly is the most important job you have on this planet—to be the most authentic version of yourself. Like Eckhart Tolle says, when you realize this, you will be free. Yet it’s something that so many of us struggle with all our lives.
I remember when I was in primary school that I wanted to be more like the popular girls. I wanted to look like them, act like them, and be interested in the same things as them. I even started copying the way the most popular girl walked and talked. She sat a particular way—with one leg crossed over the other—so I tried to emulate that too, perfecting my technique at home to get it just right. Clearly I was so desperate to be seen as “popular” and “cool” that I was even willing to change my whole self in the process.
Throughout my life, I have heard many people say Just be yourself, but I never really grasped the potency of that statement. I had to do a lot more learning (and unlearning) before I was ready to really embody me and my true essence. I first had to find out who the real me actually was.
Starting my own business was an important part of my authenticity “learning curve.” For the first year or so after I began blogging, I slightly censored myself and presented a version of myself that I thought was “appealing.” I didn’t give away too much, out of fear of being rejected and not being accepted—I was so scared of what other people might think of me. As a result, business was pretty crappy that year. I had only a few clients, my blog wasn’t getting a lot of visitors, and I averaged about two comments per post. It’s fair to say things weren’t flowing effortlessly. Then one day, I wrote a very deep and vulnerable post about my struggle with food and my relationship with my body and—boom! The amount of “likes” I got quadrupled. The number of unique visitors to my website tripled and the comments went ballistic. I was in total shock and it wasn’t until I sat down and pondered what had happened that it occurred to me:
All I have to do is be me, share my truth, and speak from my heart.
As I sit here and write this book I’m nursing a serious vulnerability hangover. Have I overshared? Have I revealed too much? What are they going to think of me? My Mean Girl wants to prod those old sore spots. (See, I told you mine still pops up!) But as I pat her hand and pass her a cup of psychic tea, I realize she is still petrified of being judged, desperate to be liked, and craving acceptance from other people. My true self doesn’t care: my true self wants to share my stories in order to inspire you into your brilliance. So right now in this moment I have one of two choices: I can close down my computer and not turn in my manuscript, or I can stare my Mean Girl in the face and say, You will not win. The choice is always mine.
Being vulnerable makes people lean in.
People have liked my Facebook page, signed up to my newsletter, and followed me on Twitter and Instagram because they want to hear from me—and all I have to do is be me. How liberating! No more trying to be something I’m not.
This principle has held true for the hundreds of women I’ve worked with as well. They would come to me struggling with their online business—often after spending thousands of dollars trying to get their website off the ground—but there was no “them” in what they were doing. I would always suggest that they add more of themselves to their website and products, whether through photos, in their copy, by adding personal stories, or just by writing more in their own “voice”—and boom. The same thing would happen. Almost instantly, they’d get more sales, sign-ups, likes, and followers. It happened every time. Why? Because humans are hardwired for connection. We want to feel like someone gets us. We don’t want to land on a person’s website and feel like she has a “perfect” life. People can’t relate to that—they relate to real people and real life situations. This is why being your true self is so important and will trump even the slickest marketing campaign any day. Same goes for mothers’ groups. I’ve had so many clients and friends call me in tears after the latest mothers’ group catch-up because so-and-so says her baby sleeps all through the night and eats whatever she puts in front of her. Now, maybe that’s true, but there’s a chance it’s not. Be truthful and authentic in each moment and just be you. It’s your sacred birthright to be your authentic self. No one wants you to be anything but, so there’s no need to portray this “perfect” life.
Never underestimate the potency and power of simply being yourself and having the courage to share it with the world.
Inspo-action
Write down everything about you that makes you unique, everything that makes you you. The silly jokes that only you find hilarious, your love and passion for animals, your mad hip-hop dancing skills—once you have made your list, read it back to yourself and really own it. Be proud of your quirkiness and know that your uniqueness is what makes you so perfectly you.
Being authentic doesn’t come easy to someone who has had years and years of conditioning, but it is your birthright. It might take a little work to figure out which of your beliefs are actually your own, and what living authentically really means to you, but once you’ve tuned in to your truth, the freedom you’ll experience will fill your heart to the brim.
Living authentically feels really good, but there’s an even more serious reason to embrace your truth: when we don’t live truthfully, it’s actually hurting us. You see, when we suppress our authenticity, it festers away inside us. It boils under our skin waiting to be expressed. Your true essence is a desire to live as your full, beautiful self, so don’t deny it. Don’t play small, dim your light, shrink down, or censor yourself. And don’t be afraid of the brilliance that lies within you.
Are you playing small and shrinking so that others around you won’t feel insecure? It’s time to stop that right now and let out your beautiful true self—the world needs your shining, radiant essence.
Inspo-action
The dress rehearsal for life is over: this is it! It’s time to stop shrinking and let out your true self.
AUTHENTICITY CONTRACT
I, ___________, promise to be my authentic self.
I promise to never dim my light.
I promise to shine as bright as I can and never shrink in order to make other people comfortable.
I promise to be my true, beautiful self and stand in my power always.
This I promise.
Signed ___________________
Date _____________________
Jump on over to my website and grab your free printable authenticity contract. Once you’ve printed and signed it, use it as a daily reminder of your deep commitment to living your truth.
Coping with Criticism
When you reveal your authentic self, you expose yourself to ridicule and criticism. It can be really tough, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, everybody has an opinion and there’s nothing you can do about that. But the sooner you stop caring what other people think of you, the sooner you will be set free.
The first time I got a nasty comment on my website, I cried. Actually, the first, second, and maybe even third time that someone posted something negative on my website, I got upset. Why doesn’t this person like me? I didn’t do anything to them; all I am trying to do is help people, I’d think. I’d spend hours worrying about it and trying to figure out what I should do differently next time so that they’d like me and my work. But you cannot please everyone. Haters are always gonna hate.
Eventually, I realized that my efforts to appease random strangers were not only pointless, they were also keeping me from being my true, radiant self. The truth is, what other people think of you is none of your business. Allowing myself to let go of that worry and angst was extremely liberating, and it freed up so much energy.
Now, after years of exposing my true self through my live events, products, website, books, and programs, and on social media, I’ve figured out that there are three different types of people who’ll be attracted to you and the work you’re putting out into the world:
1. Raving fans who love you
2. People who dislike you
3. People who don’t care and are neutral
Your job isn’t to preach to the people from categories two and three, it’s to focus on the people in category one—the people you are already serving. They are your tribe. They are the people who want to hear from you. That is where you need to focus your energy and time, not trying to convert the others.
To this day I occasionally get people saying nasty things—heck, there will probably be people who say nasty things over this book—but my intention is not to let their words affect me anymore. In fact, I like to energetically send love and light in their direction. I figure that for someone to go to the effort of writing something nasty about another person, they must be in a pretty bad space themselves. So I send them love, wish them peace, and let it go.
I also believe that people shouldn’t really criticize others unless they are in the arena themselves, putting themselves on the line. I am constantly digging deep, sharing from my heart, being raw, and nursing vulnerability hangovers—it’s a very exposed place to be, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. If someone who is not out there putting their heart on the line tries to criticize me—someone who doesn’t truly understand what it’s like and what it takes—then I don’t even bother listening. Seriously. Unless the person knows what it’s like to have skin in the game, his or her opinion is null and void in my eyes. If, on the other hand, my husband, one of my team, a customer, or a loyal tribe member gives me feedback I will listen with an open heart, digest their words, sit with it, and see what it means for me. There are usually some nuggets of wisdom in there, and their feedback matters to me.
Inspo-action
If you want to take things to the next level and really protect yourself from negativity, try my protection meditation so that no one can zap your energy. Head over to my website to get instant access to it.
When critics strike, go back to the mirror concept and know that if someone has an issue with you or your work, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Don’t take it personally: let it repel off you. Don’t give them your precious time or energy. Instead, continue to do what is true for you and just be your beautiful, authentic self.
Remove yourself from that which is no longer serving you, with understanding in your heart.
I think it’s also very important that women, particularly, set ourselves some healthy boundaries. Our conditioning means we are givers and nurturers. Men are just as naturally giving; however, we ladies are carefully taught to boost that tendency, while little boys are rewarded for being tough and ambitious. This is why women tend to overdeliver, so setting some healthy boundaries is necessary in order to master your Mean Girl and become wildly wealthy, fabulously healthy, and bursting with love. Remember, saying yes to others can mean saying no to yourself, and you must always put yourself first. If you aren’t overflowing within yourself you are no good to your children, friends, boss, partner, family . . . or anyone, for that matter.
It’s time to set some healthy boundaries; here’s how:
1. Get honest with yourself.
What are you doing that isn’t really your truth but you’re doing it because you think you “should”? Maybe it’s looking over your colleague’s report when he or she asks even though you’re snowed under. Or babysitting your sister’s kids even though you’re up to your eyeballs in housework and deadlines. Or agreeing to a dinner date with your girlfriend when you know you really just need a quiet night at home. Doing things for others is nice, and sometimes saying yes to something can bring unexpected joy, but only if it’s coming from love and doesn’t sacrifice your health and happiness. By all means be helpful, but do it because you want to, not because you think you “should.”
2. Lovingly communicate from your heart.
Before I got really serious in my business (and life, for that matter) it was acceptable for my girlfriends to call me during the day for hour-long chats. Now, on the other hand, this is an absolute no-go. One girlfriend in particular really struggled to get her head around this until I lovingly communicated from my heart why I could no longer chat for an hour in the middle of the day. Instead of getting frustrated with others, practice clear communication from your heart. It always works!
3. Set boundaries for yourself too.
It’s all well and good to set boundaries with your friends, family members, and team, but what about setting some healthy boundaries for yourself? For me when I walk in the door after work at night, it’s family time. I take off my boss-lady hat and slip into my wife and stepmama roles (roles I love so much). No jumping back on my laptop (unless it’s an emergency), no work talk (this is a hard one), and no TV. Being an entrepreneur and a business owner calls for me to step into my ambitious, stronger energy a little more during the day—big decisions have to be made and this requires me to step up. Sometimes I struggle to shake off that business feel when I walk in the door, so I go and take a bath with Epsom salts and coconut oil and slip into more comfortable clothing. This helps me drop back into my softer side.
Another great boundary you can set for yourself and your family is no screens in the bedroom. The bedroom is reserved for sleeping and lovemaking only. No eating in bed, no watching TV, and definitely no laptops. If you use your phone as your alarm, get a sun lamp. Your bedroom is your sacred space and needs to be treated that way.
On that note, if you’re serious about becoming wildly wealthy, fabulously healthy, and bursting with love I invite you to stop watching reality TV, reading trashy mags, and listening to talkback radio. They are not serving your higher good. Instead of watching TV, watch inspiring TED talks online. Instead of reading trashy mags, read soulful books that inspire you. And instead of listening to talkback radio, try some empowering podcasts. Break the habit and your soul will thank you.
Inspo-action
What are some healthy boundaries you need to set with others? Write down three.
Now think about some healthy boundaries you can set with yourself. Maybe it’s no screens after eight p.m., no TV in the mornings, or no more scrolling Instagram or checking e-mails as soon as you wake up. Write down three.
Now remember, insight without action is pointless, so make sure you do whatever you need to do to help cement these new boundaries, both with others and yourself.
Closing the Door on Fear
Don’t let the fear of what other people think of you stop you from following your heart.
A few years ago, one of my clients, Chloe, really wanted to start an online fashion store. She was so passionate about it, you could see the sparkle in her eyes every time she spoke about it. One day, she ran into an old friend at the post office and they started chatting about what they were each up to. Chloe mentioned her exciting new business idea and how she couldn’t wait to get the ball rolling. Her “friend” almost spat out her coffee and told her that opening an online fashion store in the middle of a recession was ludicrous, and that no one likes to shop online because they like to be able to try things on. Immediately Chloe’s heart sank. She cried the whole way home. I got an e-mail from her a few days later saying she had decided to dump the whole idea. She canceled the meeting with her Web designer and didn’t think there was any point working with me anymore. I called her up, and she answered the phone sounding defeated. She began to give me a list of reasons why the online fashion store was no longer a great idea, repeating her friend’s negative opinions and then some.
Sensing that something was amiss, I told her to close her eyes and take a few deep breaths. I then asked her to connect with how she was feeling right then. She said she felt tight, rigid, heavy, defeated, and angry. I invited her to envision her online store and how it would feel to have that as her business, how she would feel if that was what she put all her creative energy into each day. She said she felt excited, bursting with energy, with tingling goose bumps all over her body. I reminded her that that was her truth. Her fears were simply getting in the way of her seeing it. She was so excited to be back in touch with her truth that after we got off the phone, she called back her Web designer to reschedule their meeting. She later e-mailed me sharing that all the doubt and fear had come to her when she ran into her old “friend” at the post office and that she had soaked up all her friend’s negativity.
As social creatures, we humans love to be heard. We love to give our opinion about everything, from what toothpaste to buy and which university to attend through to what diet is best for you and what we think the weather will be like on Saturday. But we need to learn to let go of others’ opinions. Don’t let their stuff get you down, and especially don’t let it affect your life or business decisions.
Our Mean Girl is constantly looking for recognition, a pat on the back, and a big gold star of approval. I teach my team to stand strong in their decisions and not to look to me for a high five and a “well done” every time they’ve finished a task. I want to train them to feel fearless in their choices. This is how you create an amazing work culture.
Men are not taught to have this issue as much: many of them are therefore better able to make a decision and go for it one hundred percent—a trait I am trying to embody more.
I see this a lot with the mamas I have worked with in the past. Motherhood is a whole new world and a great opportunity for your Mean Girl to put you through the wringer and do some serious damage. It all starts with the well-intentioned advice about what you “should” and “shouldn’t” do during pregnancy, then goes into childbirth, then mothers’ group, and so on. Everyone wants to add their two cents and all you’re trying to do is trust your intuition. Stay firmly rooted in your beliefs and do what feels right for you. Remember, as a mama, what is truly right for you is what’s right for your bubba too. Stand confident in your choices.
Inspo-action
Are there areas in your life where you are looking for a pat on the back and a “well done”? Write them down.
Remember, this is just your Mean Girl playing her sneaky little games. Stay grounded in your truth and you will never go wrong.
Being Resilient
The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun, but it is the one that stands in the open, where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.
NAPOLEON HILL
Resilience is the ability to go through adversity in such a way that you come out the other side strengthened and better off for the experience. Being resilient means facing life’s difficulties (and there will be some) head-on with courage and patience, refusing to back down and play the victim. Resilience is staring your Mean Girl in the eyes and saying: I see you, but I am not willing to let you win. It’s scary—it takes serious courage—but it’s this exact quality that allows someone to rebound quickly from hardship, misfortune, or trauma with insight and growth.
Being resilient takes practice and courage.
Resilience is not something we are born with; it is something that is developed and strengthened as we grow and experience life. To build your resilience muscle you must regularly put yourself in the arena to battle it out. Playing it safe by getting cozy with your Mean Girl and sticking to your comfort zone won’t cut it.
The opposite of being resilient is feeling powerless and victimized—which I felt for many years. When you’re in that space, it’s easy to lean toward unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs, alcohol, excessive exercising habits, harmful relationships, or unhealthy eating behaviors. On top of all that, when we feel like helpless victims, we allow our Mean Girls to take over and totally run the show.
I’ve certainly become more resilient over the years, but I’ve had to work at it. It’s an ongoing process, and can take a lot of ballsiness, but it has made a massive difference in my life.
Here are some great ways to build your resilience muscle:
Flex your self-love muscle daily. By doing this, you are enhancing your ability to bounce back.
Do something each day from your self-love menu. By doing this, you’re less likely to fall victim to your circumstances.
Take time for stillness. Meditation twice a day helps you cultivate an inner groundedness, perfect for times when life throws you a curveball. I honestly don’t think I would have been able to cope with my best friend passing away without meditation.
Get connected and ask for support. Having a solid support network around you is imperative to help you bounce back from life’s curveballs. You could even start seeing an energetic healer or kinesiologist or hire a spiritual coach to support you in moving through the adversity. Or try telling three of your closest friends or family members that you need a little extra support and love. Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Suffering alone in silence is.
Get crystal clear on your mission. Knowing your purpose and mission in life allows you to keep everything in perspective during times of adversity.
Accept what is. You cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can choose not to let it affect you anymore. By consciously accepting and letting go, you automatically free yourself from carrying this baggage with you into the future. Yes, some things will be easier to let go of than others, and you may need differing amounts of support and guidance for the harder times, but start to make the conscious effort within yourself to let go and go from there.
Look for the deeper lesson. There is a hidden message in every circumstance. Our job is to find it. Allow yourself to feel the heartache (or whatever feelings arise), but also ask yourself: “What did I learn throughout this experience?” Use the past as a tool of creation and not a weapon of mass destruction.
Get deep sleep. When you’re tired, you’re an easy target for your Mean Girl. Allow yourself more sleep than usual to help with the healing process.
Move your body. Doing yoga or Pilates or walking in nature has incredible physical and emotional benefits. It releases endorphins (feel-good hormones) in the body, which diminish the perception of pain.
Nourish your temple. In times of adversity, you must up the ante with your nutrition. Nourish yourself with fresh whole foods and filtered water to help support your body and nervous system.
Remember, resilience is a muscle that needs to be worked. It’s all about stepping up and standing strong instead of falling victim to your Mean Girl.
Inspo-action
When in your life have you faced adversity and pushed through? Was it, for example, during a breakup, the loss of a job, or when you had a fight with a friend?
Now think of a time when you faced adversity and you didn’t step up, playing the victim and choosing to suffer instead?
Reflect how these made you feel in your body. Which made you expand and which made you contract? It’s super important to notice and feel the difference so that you can become even more aware of yourself and your body.
You have the power to choose how you respond to all situations in your life—not your mum, your partner, or your Mean Girl, you! So next time life throws you a curveball, put on your resilience raincoat and know that on the other side of the discomfort is always growth.
The Pity Party Dance-off
I used to play the victim role very well (like, on an Oscar-worthy level!) because I struggled with how to deal with my feelings. Whenever sadness, anger, or frustration arose within me, I didn’t really know how to deal with it. So I simply suppressed it—as you now know, this is not the best idea!
I was always searching for the tools to deal with my feelings, but I’d never found anything that clicked. Until one day, I came up with the “pity party dance-off.”
Having a pity party dance-off allows you to experience feelings fully and then let them go.
Here’s how it works:
STEP 1: Whenever any unsettling feeling or emotion arises, immediately allow yourself to feel it. Go into a private room: the bathroom, the stockroom at your work, a broom closet, or your kitchen pantry. Any private spot where you can be alone and fully express yourself will work fine.
STEP 2: Once you enter the room, set the timer on your phone for approximately ten to fifteen minutes (depending on the severity of your feelings).
STEP 3: Once the timer starts, allow yourself to fully express exactly how you are feeling in the moment. Maybe you need to cry, scream into a pillow, punch the air vigorously, jump up and down, shake out your entire body, or simply sit in complete stillness and just breathe deeply.
Please note: you will intuitively know exactly what to do in that moment. Tune in and listen to your heart and body.
STEP 4: Fully feel and express yourself until the timer goes off.
STEP 5: Once the timer goes off and you have fully allowed yourself to feel and express everything inside you, place your hands over your heart and repeat this to yourself a few times:
“[Insert your name], I love you and you are safe. You can now let this go and move on.”
STEP 6: Then, blast out your favorite upbeat track on your phone. I love Rihanna’s “Diamonds” (it always makes me feel like a superstar!), Katy Perry’s “Roar,” or anything by Beyoncé. Proceed to dance your heart out. Bonus points if you sing along as loudly as you possibly can (caution: probably not the best idea if you’re in the stockroom at your work!). But nevertheless, this will instantly snap you out of your funk.
I personally have found this to be the absolute best technique for allowing myself to quickly move through feelings and not waste a whole day (or week . . . or month) having a pity party for myself like I used to. Because let’s face it: stuff is always going to come up in our lives. But this technique allows you to fully feel it, then let it go and move on.
When Jess passed on, I allowed myself the space of two weeks to fully and completely grieve. Of course I allowed myself to cry after that (and still do), but I really needed that space to just be. I didn’t work for that period; all I did was sit with my emotions. I journaled, spoke to her, wrote her letters, sat in nature, and sobbed like a baby in my husband’s arms. I was totally raw and vulnerable and allowed whatever needed to come out to flow. I welcomed all the pain with wide-open arms—I invited the frustration, anger, denial, sadness, isolation, depression, and heartache because I knew deep down it was all part of the process. And although the pain was immense, I didn’t resist; I let it flow through me without judgment.
This was the first time in my life I had experienced a death of someone so close and, looking back, I am so grateful I had the tools to move through it with grace. This doesn’t mean I still don’t feel sadness, anger, or frustration—I absolutely do. As I sit here and write this my heart hurts, it feels heavy, and tears are welling in my eyes. I miss my best friend so much and still can’t believe I won’t get to hear her laugh again. It truly sucks! But the truth is, there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is take the beautiful lessons she championed and continue to be inspired by her bravery, greatness, and ability to live life to its fullest.
And let it be said, yes—my Mean Girl did rear her head during this time, planting doubt and regret. She told me I should have called more, I should have made more time to see Jess, I should have given her that jumper of mine that she loved so much (!), but then I stopped and reminded myself that everything is perfect. Our friendship was like no other—it was beautiful, special, unique, and something I am so deeply grateful I got to experience. So I didn’t need to let my Mean Girl take over. I gently closed the door on her and returned to my heart.
I don’t think we ever get used to the fact that someone has passed on; we just get better at coping day to day with them no longer being here in the physical form. And eventually, instead of wishing it was another way, you feel grateful for the precious moments you did get to share.
So even if you are struck down by an intensely strong emotion like grief, don’t run off with your Mean Girl. Sit with it, have a pity party dance-off if you wish, and know that this too shall pass. Whatever you are feeling is temporary and all part of the healing process.
Your Gift to the World Recap
Never underestimate the potency and power of simply being you.
Remember, everyone has an opinion and that’s okay.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Don’t let the fear of what other people think of you stop you from following your heart.
Resilience means staring your Mean Girl in the eyes and saying, I see you, but I am not willing to let you win.
Being resilient takes practice and courage.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Suffering alone in silence is.