As a security officer for a defense contractor, I have to make sure all visitors sign in. One day I was in the lobby and noticed an employee’s college-age daughter writing in the visitors’ log. When I checked the log at the end of the day, I noticed her signature. Next to “Purpose of visit” she had written, “To get money from Dad.”
—JOSEPH HOFFLER
I have my office in my home. When family matters occupy my day, I often find myself working into the night to complete business assignments. After one particularly late session, I stood in front of my mirror the next morning applying cover-stick to camouflage the dark circles under my eyes.
“Mom must have been working late last night,” I overheard my son telling his siblings. “She’s using Wite-Out.”
—MARY J. MILLS
On Take Your Daughter to Work Day, I brought my niece to the office with me so she could experience many aspects of being a social worker. While driving her home, I asked if she had learned anything. “Yes,” she answered. “I learned that I don’t want to do your job.”
—KIM RIDER
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
—CYNDY HINDS
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show-and-tell that day had been parents’ occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”
—MARY BETH NELSEN
My coworker’s sweet six-year-old came into the office to sell Girl Scout cookies. A first-year Brownie, she carefully approached each of us and described the various types of cookies. One woman who was struggling with a weight problem asked, “Do you have anything that is not fattening?”
“Yes, ma’am!” the girl brightly answered. “We have Thin Mints!”
—JULIE SANDERS
When shopping online, it’s easy to forget that you may not be dealing with a large corporation.
I recently e-mailed a website asking why my purchases hadn’t arrived a week after I’d paid for them. Later the phone rang. “Sorry for the delay,” said a teenager. “I’ll check and get back to you. I can’t get on my computer right now because my mother’s vacuuming and this room only has one socket.”
—TERESA HEWITT
One of my duties as a bookstore supervisor is to handle customer returns. As I helped one young woman, I noticed the book she brought back was on the subject of dating. It’s the bookstore’s policy to ask the reason for the return, so I did. “My mother bought it for me,” she said. “She doesn’t like my boyfriend.”
—KELLEY MITCHELL
I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call. She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic “I love you!”
“I love you too,” I said, with a dopey grin plastered on my face. I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly, “Mommy, who was that?”
—MATTHEW TERRY
My aunt, a kindergarten teacher, has to interview every new student. During an interview, she asked a little girl what her mother did. The girl proudly replied, “She is a businesswoman.”
“What does you father do?” my aunt asked.
After thinking for a moment, the girl said, “He does what my mom tells him to do.”
—APA RATTAPITAK
As an optometrist, I had a second-grader in for his first eye exam. He insisted his eyesight was good, but when I asked him to read a line from my vision chart, with the letters APEOTF, he couldn’t do it. I asked him about a line with the letters FZBDE, in larger print. Still he couldn’t read the chart.
“You mean you can’t read those lines,” I said, puzzled, “and yet you don’t think you need glasses?”
“No,” he replied. “I just haven’t learned those words yet.”
—SEAN CONNOLLY, OD
A student tore into our school office. “My iPod was stolen!” she cried. I handed her a form, and she filled it out, answering everything, even those questions intended for the principal. Under “Disposition,” she wrote, “I’m really ticked off.”
—DEBORAH MILES
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
“What!?” I answered, gagging at the price tag. “I’ve bought cars for $500!”
“That’s why I want the $500 suit,” he said. “So I don’t have to drive $500 cars.”
—JOE KULAKOWSKI
At our base post office, my four-year-old could not take his eyes off the Most Wanted posters. Finally, he asked, “Dad, why didn’t they just capture those guys when they took their pictures?”
—RAY OSBURN
Carrying mail, I walk the same route every day. One morning a girl was playing outside her house and called out, “Hi, Bill!” Though that isn’t my name, I cheerily replied, “Hi!” This went on for several weeks, until I saw the girl’s mother and asked, “Why does she call me Bill?”
The mother turned red. “Because whenever I see you coming,” she explained, “I tell her, ‘Here come the bills.’”
—LINCOLN REHAK
I had signed up to be a school volunteer and was helping a first-grader with her homework. But it turned out I was the one in need of help. The assignment required coloring, and I’m color-blind—can’t tell blue from red. As we finished our lesson, I told the little girl, “Next week you can read to me.”
Looking confused, she said, “Can’t you read, either?”
—HOWARD SIEPLINGA
When my neighbor’s teenage son was interviewed for a job at the local discount store, he was asked, “How would you treat an irate customer?”
The boy thought for a moment. “I’d treat him the same as the customer before and the one after.”
He was hired on the spot. Later, his mother asked about the interview.
“I guess it went well because I got the job,” the son replied. “By the way, Mom, what does ‘irate’ mean?”
—ANN MARIE ROWLANDS
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s coworker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.
“Which one?” she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”
—SANDRA J. YARBROUGH
My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. “Here’s one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping.”
“Hellooo!” said my niece, rolling her eyes. “I can’t take that job. I don’t know anything about lighthouses.”
—KIM WILSON
A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Without hesitation he replied, “Consonants.”
—STEPHEN DOWNING
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. “We have over 300 guests at this facility,” she said. “Does this ‘Gym’ have a last name?”
—TARA CAPPADONA
“These are very disturbing figures. So I made all the zeros little smiley faces.”
In the deli where I worked, an employee was asked to post a sign advertising our latest meat special. After she put up the sign, however, our manager pointed out that she had listed only the price and needed to put the item on the placard too. Later he was shocked to see a slice of ham taped to the sign.
—SUSAN DYCUS
An elevator in our office building is frequently out of order. The last time, maintenance posted a sign that summed up the situation: Elevator Closed for Temporary Repairs.
—TERRI CRUDUP
Our colleague, a frequenter of pubs, applied for a vanity license plate that would cement his reputation as the “bar king.” A week later he arrived to work with his new plates: BARKING.
—NANCY SEND
I needed a passport and I needed it quickly. Luckily, a sign in the passport office told me exactly how long I could expect to wait: “Allow 10 minutes for regular processing and 15 minutes for expedited processing.”
—PETER VOGEN
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.
“I’ve already done that,” replied my friend. “I did it last year.”
“You have to do it every year,” she was told.
“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”
—JONNIE SIVLEY
It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, “I’m a defense contractor.”
One of the guys was intrigued. “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
—JOHN MCGEORGE
A tree in our front yard was weeping sap, so I visited the office of the U.S. Forest Service for advice. When I explained my problem to a staff member, he stepped to the back of the office and called out, “Anyone here know anything about trees?”
—JIM BRADLEY
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was walking with a coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
“It signals to blind people when the light is red,” I said.
Unhappy with my explanation, she shot back, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a customer’s home. The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the bank. Turn right onto the next avenue. Go 1.2 miles. Drive past a yellow hydrant and then take the next left. Go 200 yards. My driveway is the third on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”
As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”
The woman paused a second, then said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”
—MELISSA A. DOOLEN
A customer called our airline’s reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My coworker asked him, “Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?”
The customer replied, “V-I-S-A.”
—CATHY MOSELEY
A customer at the post office called to complain that she hadn’t received a package. “Can I have your name and address?” I asked.
“All of that is on the package,” she snapped.
“Yes, I know,” I replied, “but—”
“Just call me when you find it.”
“Can I have your phone number then?”
“I can’t remember. But I’m listed,” she said, and hung up.
—CHESTER D. STANHOPE
A customer walked into our insurance office looking for a quote. But first I had to lead her through a litany of questions, including: “Marital status?”
“Well,” she began, “I guess you could say we’re happy—as happy as most other couples nowadays.”
—SHIRLEY WALKER
Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. “Of course,” he said, grabbing his date book. “What day do you want?”
—EDITH KRZYWICKI
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked.
He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. “Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.”
—CHRISTIE ECKELS
I was going out to a business lunch with two other people, one of whom volunteered to drive. After the driver unlocked the passenger door, I decided to hop in the back to avoid one of those awkward scenes where you hem and haw over who sits where. But I had trouble getting the seat back to fold forward. I pulled the lever under the seat to slide it forward, but it only moved a few inches.
Not easily discouraged, I hiked up my skirt, and was about to dive into the back when the third member of our party intervened. “Wouldn’t it be easier,” she said, “just to use the back door?”
—JENNIFER DUFFIN
Working from home as I do, I need a professional-sounding voice-mail greeting so everyone will know I’m hard at work. While I was recording a new message one morning, my wife was across the hall from my office, folding clothes with my six-year-old daughter, who had just emerged from the shower. My message ended up sounding like this:
Male voice: “Hi, this is Jeff Hill with IBM.”
Female voice: “Look at you! You have no clothes on!”
Male voice: “I’m not available right now…”
—SUE SHELLENBARGER
When my husband ran for local public office, I was asked if I could do some research on the cost of getting his campaign literature printed up. So I visited a large printing chain to gather pricing information on copying costs. The clerk read off the various prices for color copies, color paper, one-sided printing, two-sided, multiple-color ink, etc.
Since I could not write as fast as the clerk could read, I requested a pricing list. “Sorry, Ma’am,” she said. “This is my only copy.”
—KAREN ENDRES
“Weston’s been watching Mad Men again.”
At the nature park where I worked in Hawaii, cliff divers often filled in as lifeguards at the falls. On chilly days, however, they wore sweatshirts that covered the lifeguard badges on their swimsuits, so it wasn’t apparent that they were safety officers. One day three preteen daredevils ignored my coworker Nancy when she told them not to dive in the pond’s shallow edge. Challenging her authority, one boy said in defiance, “Who says?”
“THIS says!” Nancy replied, lifting her sweatshirt to display her lifeguard badge. Seeing their wide-eyed stares and feeling cool air, Nancy only needed a second to remember that she had already removed her wet swimsuit earlier in the day.
—SHIRLEY GERUM
Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
—DEMETRI MARTIN
An absent-minded coworker and I went on a business trip. True to form, he left a book on the plane, arrived at the hotel with someone else’s luggage, then lost his camera in a restaurant.
Returning home a week later, we headed to the airport parking lot to get his car, only to discover that he had no keys; he had left them in the trunk lock the week before. Fortunately, someone had turned them in to an attendant. My colleague was driving me home when I noticed the gas tank was empty, so we stopped at a service station. After paying for the gas, he hopped back in the car and drove off. “Promise me that you won’t tell anyone at work that I left those keys in the trunk lock,” he pleaded. “Okay,” I agreed, “as long as I can tell them that you paid for gas and left without pumping it.”
—MICHELLE A. BETZEL
Our intern was not very swift. One day, he turned to a secretary. “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”
“Just use copy-machine paper,” she said to him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well.
“Um,” he stammered, “I was talking about my purchase-order number.”
—IRIS MADDEROM
As a personal-injury attorney, I often get clients who have unsuccessfully attempted to settle their claims themselves. During a phone interview one woman told me that having lived on both coasts, she was more than capable of handling her claim, but the insurance company was giving her trouble. “Where did the accident occur?” I asked.
When she answered “Washington,” I inquired, “Washington State or Washington, D.C.?”
There was a slight pause. “Hold on,” she said. “I’ll check the police report.”
—CHRISTOPHER J. CARNEY
My daughter attends Oregon State University and works part time at a grocery store. With the holidays approaching, she worried about having enough time to study for finals, so she penned a memo to her manager. “It is absolutely imperative that I receive four days off,” she wrote. “Otherwise I will not have time to study.”
The next day her request was tacked to the employee bulletin board along with a note from her boss. “If I allow these days off,” read the reply, “it is absolutely imperative that I know who you are.”
—JANEY POWERS
When a client died, her daughter told our agency that she would cancel the home policy the following week, once her mother’s belongings were removed.
Simple, right? Here’s the note that was placed in the client’s file: “Deceased will call next week to cancel moving her things out.”
—KARLA WYNDER
Working as a server at a sushi bar, I saw a customer trying to get my attention. “What’s up, babe?” he asked in a strong foreign accent. “Everything is fine, sir,” I replied. After a while the patron hailed me again, asking “What’s up, babe?” Puzzled and annoyed, I gave the same reply. Observing this was my supervisor, who called me over. “What did that customer ask?” he inquired. When I told him, he smiled. “He doesn’t want to know how you’re doing,” my boss said with a laugh. “He’s asking for wasabi!”
—VIJAY KRISHAN
“I don’t dare leave my desk, dear. Ferguson’s waiting to pounce on my job.”
While auditing one of our departments, an assistant asked me what I was doing. “Listing your assets,” I told her.
“Oh,” she said. “Well, I have a good sense of humor and I make great lasagna.”
—ALEC KAY
I was on the phone at the end of the day when my boss walked in and pressed a sticky note onto a nearby filing cabinet. I had already put away my glasses and was in a rush to leave, so I quickly scanned the slip of paper and called after him, “I have feelings for you, too!”
He looked back at me quizzically and was gone. Then I took a closer look at the note. It read, “I have filing for you.”
—MELODY DELZELL
Tourists say some odd things when they charter my boat in Key West. “How many sunset sails do you have at night?” asked one. Another wondered, “Does the water go around the island?”
But the most interesting came when I asked a customer why she’d brought along a dozen empty jars. She answered, “I want to take home a sample of each color of water that we’ll be going in.”
—DENISE JACKSON
As an amusement-park employee, I am often asked for directions to specific attractions. Although detailed maps are given to each customer who enters the park, some people need more help. One exasperated guest approached me after she’d gotten lost using the map. “How come these maps don’t have an arrow telling you where you are?” she asked.
—J. B. HAIGHT
Here’s an ad for a job that should be filled quickly: “Animal Hospital is seeking an Assistant. Must be flexible, reliable, and irresponsible.”
—MARGERY JOHNSON
A blonde was settling into a first-class seat for a flight to Los Angeles when the flight attendant asked to see her ticket. “Ma’am, you can’t sit here,” the attendant explained. “You have a coach ticket.”
“I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Los Angeles first-class,” the blond passenger declared.
So the flight attendant went to get her supervisor, who explained, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to move to coach because you don’t have a first-class ticket.”
“I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Los Angeles first-class,” repeated the gorgeous young blonde.
The two attendants went to the cockpit and told the captain. He came back and whispered something to the blonde. She jumped up and quickly took a seat in the coach section. Astounded, the flight attendants asked the captain what he had said. “I told her that first class wasn’t going to Los Angeles,” he replied.
—CORY CAMPBELL
A friend stopped at a convenience store, but the automatic doors wouldn’t open. Thinking there was an electronic eye, he began to wave his arms. An employee inside the store waved back. My friend then wedged his fingers between the sliding glass doors and created an opening wide enough to enter. “Your doors are out of order!” he hollered to a clerk. “Why didn’t you help me?”
“Sir,” he replied, “we’re closed!”
—KEVIN J. SHANNON
At the funeral home where my husband works, the funeral director asked a recent widower, “Did your wife’s illness come out of the blue?”
“No, she’d been sick before,” he said. “But never this bad.”
—JACKIE WISSMUELLER
While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. “People return the most filthy, nasty things,” I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby.
Eyebrow raised, she said, “That’s my jacket.”
—JOYCE A. WATTS
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. “I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.
“Are you lightheaded?” my colleague asked.
“No, I’m a brunette.”
—PAM FORST
Plate-glass windows cover the front of the office where I work. One day a military plane on maneuvers caused a sonic boom that cracked one of the windows. My boss called the local air base to file a claim and was finally transferred to a woman who handled such matters. After she carefully asked him the pertinent details of the incident, she had one final question: “Did you get the ID number off the plane?”
—MICHELLE BURTON
A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard,” I told her.
Unsatisfied, she barked, “I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!”
—ARIELLE MOBLEY
Our new assistant, Christy, 16, was in her first office job. Coworkers were giving her basic instructions as the boss stepped out of his office and the telephone rang. Christy answered professionally, but then burst out with, “He’s in the restroom now.”
“Oh, no,” one employee whispered to her. “Say he’s with a customer.”
“He’s in the restroom with a customer,” Christy told the caller.
—JIM OTTS
As I was waiting for my wife at the reception desk at a spa, a flustered woman entered. She apologized to the receptionist for being late. “I walked up and down both sides of the street for 15 minutes trying to find the entrance to the spa,” she said. When she finished her explanation, the receptionist’s first question was, “Have you ever been here before?”
—ED SWARTZACK
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upperleft-hand corner.
—KARI MOORE
“The plan is to re-establish confidence in my leadership abilities.”
Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
“I just had a baby,” I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
“Congratulations! I’ll get all of your information and activate your policy,” she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, “Was this a work-related incident?”
—HEIDI TOURSIE
My colleague used to work as a receptionist at an upscale salon. After greeting clients, she would ask them to change into a protective gown.
One afternoon a serious-looking businessman entered the salon, and was directed to the changing room and told the gowns were hanging on the hooks inside. Minutes later he emerged.
“I’m ready,” he called out. My friend gasped. Instead of a gown, the man was wearing something another client had left hanging in the room—a floral blouse with shoulder pads.
—SHERRIE GRAHAM
Standing in line in a hardware store, I noted a woman looking at a rack full of signs priced at $1.79 each. She took one out and put it back a couple of times. Suddenly she held up the sign that read “Help Wanted,” and asked the clerk, “Is there a discount on the sign if it’s just going over the kitchen sink?”
—NANCY M. BAUMANN
An art lover stopped by my booth at a crafts fair to admire one of my paintings.
“Is that a self-portrait?” he asked.
“Yes, it is,” I said.
“Who did it?”
—FLORENCE KAUFMAN
The secret to why librarians spend their days shushing people. Here are actual questions asked of librarians:
“Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought in national parks?”
“Do you have any books with photos of dinosaurs?”
“I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
A sign outside a nursery: “It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!”
—BECKY ADAIR
Applying for my first passport, I took all the relevant papers to the passport desk at the post office. The clerk checked over my application form, photos, marriage license, and other identification. All seemed in order until she came to my birth certificate. She handed it back to me and said, “This isn’t any good. It’s in your maiden name.”
—JACQUELYN S. CAIN
A woman called the county office where I work and asked me to look up a “Mark Smith.”
“Is that ‘Mark’ with a ‘C’ or ‘K’?” I asked.
“That’s ‘Mark’ with an ‘M,’” she corrected.
—ANN KEKAHUNA
When a body was brought to her funeral home, my friend contacted the next of kin. Per previous instructions, the deceased would be cremated, she told him, so he needed to come in to identify the body.
Considering the task at hand, the relative asked, “Does this need to be done before or after the cremation?”
—JANICE PIERSON
When a water main broke, a customer called my friend at the utility office with this question: “The water in my toilet is brown. Do you think it’s safe to drink?”
—DAVID KEGLEY
“Hargett is still adjusting from working at home.”
Every couple of months I do a bulk mailing for my company, which requires a special form from the U.S. Postal Service. I had a faxed copy of the form that was illegible, so I phoned the post office and asked the postal employee to mail me a new form. “I can fax you the form but I can’t mail it to you,” she replied. “We no longer send mail from this post office.”
—CHRISTY ADAMS
“A recession,” claimed the stockbroker, “is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. And panic is when your wife loses her job.”
—WINSTON K. PENDLETON
In my role as a human resources officer, I was visited by a staff member who wanted to make a formal complaint about his line manager. The boss had described him as “indecisive”, which he felt was grossly unfair.
As I was helping him prepare his case, I noticed that the appraisal was almost a year old.
“Why has it taken so long for you to come and see me?” I asked.
“Well,” he said. “I couldn’t make up my mind if it was the right thing to do or not.”
—ALEC KAY
My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
—QUINN WONG
My nephew gave up his lucrative job to become a writer. “Have you sold anything yet?” I asked him one day.
“Yes,” he said. “My car and my television.”
—PATRICK DICKINSON
After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to land a job as a disc jockey at a top-rated local radio station. One day before work, I stopped by my parents’ house, where my mother was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. “How is it having a son who’s a popular radio personality?” asked one friend. “It’s wonderful!” Mom replied with glee. “For the first time in his life, I can turn him off whenever I please.”
—TERRY ERHARDT
Near St. Vincent’s Hospital in New York City I noticed two firefighters standing at the door of their ambulance. The window was partly down, and they were talking to a small child inside, instructing her how to open the latch. Nearby, a young mother looked on patiently.
Assuming they had invited the curious girl into the ambulance to check it out and she’d locked the doors by mistake, I said, “She locked herself in, eh?”
“No, we locked ourselves out,” one of the men said. “We borrowed her from her mom because she fit through the back window.”
—GILBERT ROGIN IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
A friend’s daughter worked part-time in his office while she attended graduate school. One morning, a call came in for her. “She’s not in yet,” my friend said. “Can I take a message?”
“I’ll call back later,” the woman answered.
At 11 o’clock, she tried again, and he reported that his daughter had gone to lunch.
The last call came at 3:30. “Sorry, she’s left for the day. Anything I can help you with?”
“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”
—JOSH PATE
If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
—RICH HALL
A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes a now-extinct fish called the Michigan grayling. Last summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:
Tourist: Is the grayling still extinct?
Me: Yes, sir. It no longer exists.
Tourist: Any thoughts of bringing it back?
Me: I don’t think that’s possible.
Tourist: Why not?
Me: Because it’s extinct.
Tourist: Still?
Every time my construction crew began pouring a concrete foundation, our foreman would repeatedly warn us not to drop any tools into the mixture because we’d never get them out. During one particularly hard job, a coworker asked the foreman how many more minutes it would be until our break. “I really don’t know,” he replied sheepishly, looking down at the foundation we had just poured. “I dropped my watch in there over an hour ago.”
—BRAD VICTOR
I’d just lobbied a Congressman in his Washington, D.C., office when I stopped to use the rest room. After washing my hands, I stepped up to the hand dryer and noticed a note pasted to it. The note said “Push button for message from Congress.”
—MICHAEL BROKOVICH
Light bulb jokes are an innocent way to poke fun—or so I thought. Working as a sound technician, I asked an electrician, who was also the local union steward: “Hey, Mike. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?” (I expected the classic answer: “Twelve. You got a problem with that?”) But Mike replied in all seriousness, “None. Teamsters shouldn’t be touching light bulbs.”
—TODD PILON
While my fellow “financial services representatives” and I were making phone calls one day, I noticed a colleague bristle at something the business owner at the other end of the line had said. Later, when I asked him what had happened, he frowned. “She called me an insurance agent,” he said, obviously taking offense at the negative stereotypes that go along with that title.
“Don’t kid yourself,” I told him. “You are an insurance agent.”
“No I’m not!” he replied hotly. “I’m a telemarketer!”
—URI ONDRAS
As a writer for one of the less glamorous sections of a newspaper, I also do entertainment features on rare occasions. Once, I was assigned to review a play that hadn’t opened yet. After the rehearsal, I was chatting with the cast and mentioned what I usually do at the paper.
One thespian, shaking his head, remarked, “Oh, great. The play hasn’t even opened yet, and they send in the obituary writer.”
—ERIKA ENIGK
When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, “How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!”
Before I could speak, another customer replied, “Patience.”
—ROBERT GENTRY
The large fire department where I work sometimes runs out of the official forms we use for inspecting equipment. Headquarters will then allow us to create our own forms on the station’s computer.
Once, after composing a replacement document, we sent copies to other fire stations in need of them.
Afterward, we noticed that under the signature line, someone had mistakenly typed “Singed.”
—ALBERT LEGGS
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger, and a younger man seem more mature.
“How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?” I asked, trying to stump him.
“Still employed,” he answered.
—BRIAN CHEN
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: “Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising.”
—MARKIE REICHERT
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom—I’ll show you how.”
—RICHARD L. WEAVER II
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”
—MARIO NASTASI
Cashier: And what form of payment will you be using today? Customer: Money.
Expenses were out of control at our data supply company, and our bosses weren’t happy. “When you travel,” the vice president said in a meeting with his sales force, “lunch can’t be expensed. Lunch is a normal employee cost. And while we’re on the topic, your dinner expenses have been way too high.” A rep shouted, “That’s because we don’t eat lunch.”
—CHARLES FENDER
At the Social Security office, I eavesdropped on an interview between a staffer and someone who was applying for benefits.
Staffer: Married or single?
Applicant: Single.
Staffer: Previous marriages?
Applicant: Two.
Staffer: Did either of them end in death?
Applicant: No. Both times I got out alive.
—JOHN K. COLE
I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I’d requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
“Do you want to insure this?” asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
“Nope,” I answered. “The contents aren’t breakable.”
The clerk wasn’t so sure. “Ma’am, we are professionals. We can break anything.”
—CYNTHIA FRANKLIN
The day before our office’s new computer was to arrive, we got a call: the machine wouldn’t be ready until the following week. Delays continued. Finally, more than a month later a computer arrived—the wrong model. Office management, however, decided to accept it.
Weeks later, a package came with a letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconvenience. To show that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It was a CD player.
—LYNDON OLFERT
“This performance evaluation is getting weird, sir.”
While I was handling the reception desk at a women’s magazine, the children of several employees sat in the adjoining conference room watching an action video. Trucks screeched, horns honked, people shouted, dogs barked, and cars collided. Just then, a bike messenger arrived to drop off a package. He listened to the cacophony emanating from the conference room, and sighed, “Ah, the soundtrack to my life.”
—CHRISTINE ROBERTS IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting. “Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?” I asked another editor. “How do we expect to turn a profit?”
“Don’t worry,” he assured me. “These books appeal to a wider audience than most.”
—WILL STEVENS
The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Just check out these chats from overheardintheoffice.com:
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You’re not very consistent.
Cube Dweller: Well, you can’t be consistent all the time.
I work for a mortgage company where I verify financial information about home buyers. One day I was processing a loan for a psychic reader and needed to confirm his income. In response to my request, I received the following letter from his employer: “He is a subcontractor for our psychic readers group. He is not a salaried employee. We therefore cannot predict his future earnings.”
—VINCENT A. PATTI
When I drove up to the front of our small post office, I was surprised to see plywood covering the area where the plate-glass window used to be. Pasted on the plywood was a sign: “Please leave your car outside.”
—AMY DIETZ
While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
—DARLENE JACOBS
Corporations’ lunch time seminars tend to run long. At one particular company, employees need a supervisor’s okay to attend. This led to an interesting memo: “Next Lunch and Learn topic: Who’s Controlling Your Life? (Get your manager’s permission before attending.)”
—LUKE SECOR
A friend of mine plays piano in a local restaurant. One night, I listened to him play “Send in the Clowns,” one of my favorite songs. As he finished, a woman approached him.
“Can you play “Send in the Clowns?” she asked.
My friend shook his head sadly and replied, “Apparently not.”
—ERIC LANE BARNES
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
“Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said.
“Really?” she asked. “But you look so happy.”
—IONA DORSEY
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
—CHARLES LAMB
“Nothing bad can happen if you haven’t hit the Send key.”
—DAVID SHIPLEY AND WILL SCHWALBE IN SEND
“A powerful, compelling visual statement that says ‘Gee, in today’s competitive job market, what can I do to make myself even less employable?’”
—DENNIS MILLER
“His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours.”
—ARTHUR BAER
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”
—ROBERT ORBEN
“A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily.”
—DAN SELIGMAN
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
—WOODY ALLEN
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway.”
—WALLY WANG
“You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on.”
—STEVE JOBS
“I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it.”
—MARK TWAIN
One night, I stopped my city bus and picked up a drunk woman and her male companion. While the guy sat down in the back near two other men, she regaled me with stories about the great birthday party she’d just had. Finally, she went to take a seat but came back seconds later.
“Umm …” she whispered. “Do you remember which guy I got on the bus with?”
—RICHARD SAWCHIN
Back when I was employed by the state of Michigan, I took a call from an angry worker.
Caller: “Do you know there are no doors on the toilets at our office?”
Me: “How long has this been going on?”
Caller: “At least three months.”
Me: “I can see your problem.”
Caller: “So can everybody else.”
—JAYNIE WELLS
The receptionist for the company where I’m employed found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a coworker.
She sent the following e-mail: “If anybody can say where they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned to you.”
Within minutes one employee replied, “Kentucky Derby, 1986.”
—MILLIE STEELE
Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins.
Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth.”
—BARB MICHEL
“Mitchell, it’s not the fact you found religion that bothers me…”
At our busy stock brokerage, it’s hard to find time for small talk. So I was caught off guard when a coworker leaned over to me and asked, “What’s up, John?” Welcoming a brief break, I told him about my hectic weekend and the trouble I was having with my car. He seemed a little distracted, however. After our conversation ended, I saw him lean over to another colleague. “Hey, Robert,” he said. “What’s the ticker symbol for ‘Upjohn’ pharmaceuticals?”
—JOHN F. HUNT
After someone stole my brown-bag lunch at work, I complained about it to my wife, who offered to make me something wonderful the next day. But as I pulled into the plant’s parking lot, I noticed a guy clearly down on his luck, so I gave him my lunch. I didn’t know there was a note from my wife in the bag:
“I know who you are, and I know where you live!”
—FRANKLIN BENNETT
Rushing from the parking lot into my office in Los Angeles, I was approached by a homeless man.
“Excuse me, can you spare some change?” he asked.
In a hurry but not wanting to be rude, I pretended I didn’t understand him. “No hablo inglés,” I replied.
“Oh, that’s just great,” the guy muttered, as he turned to walk away. “Now you even have to be bilingual to beg.”
—ANA TURNER
I was vacationing in the South Carolina mountains with a friend who’s a freelance journalist for a couple of small-town newspapers. When she got a call about a car running off a curve and going off the side of the mountain, we hurried to the site. Thankfully no one was hurt. After a quick scan of the spectators, my friend sought out one local man to interview. “Have you lived in this area long?” she asked him. He told her that he had lived here all his life.
Then she asked, “How often do cars go over the side of the mountains?”
“Only once, ma’am,” he replied.
—SHARON MCNEIL
When our U.S. corporation was acquired by a European company, I was asked to work with a team of overseas consultants who would determine the future of our business. I was thrilled by the assignment, thinking it was a great opportunity to be noticed by the new corporate management team. For weeks I was at their beck and call, taking pains to provide them with all the data they needed.
One morning while I was working feverishly, the head consultant stepped into my office. “I understand that you are the key expert here,” he said as he shook my hand.
Flattered by such recognition, I thanked him and launched into a description of all the effort I had expended.
“You don’t understand,” he interrupted, holding up a key. “I can’t unlock my office door.”
—DAVID BAHR
Some of my coworkers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it.
Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read “Lower the box!”
—FRANK J. MONACO
A coworker in our California office flew to Chicago during a blizzard. He spent hours driving to make his appointment at a suburban office complex. The parking lot was empty, so he pulled up next to the main entrance. As he was signing in, the receptionist looked outside and asked, “Before your meeting, could you move your car off the front lawn?”
—RUSSELL G. GRAHAM
“A book on male sensitivity? Try the fiction section, aisle two.”
During my first trip to Japan, I was taken to a local restaurant. I had been counseled to try everything on my plate so as not to insult my Japanese hosts. They, in turn, were told to be patient with my American mannerisms. Therefore they said nothing as I crunched my way through a tasteless wafer served with my meal. Later I realized we had all taken the advice too far: I had eaten a coaster.
—LAURA PUCHER
I’ve been hauling trash for years, so when the sign “Garbage” appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: “After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!” I emptied the can and left.
The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: “Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage!”
—STAN GORSKI
Scene: A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director.
Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent?
Client: Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet.
Me: Why not? Was something wrong?
Client: No, I don’t need to use your design yet, so I will pay you when I use it.
Me: Well, I still need to get paid now. If a plumber fixes your toilet, you don’t tell him you will pay him as soon as you need to go to the bathroom, do you?
Client: That’s disgusting! My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid!
—FROM CLIENTSFROMHELL.NET
It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony.
Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn’t amused.
“Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”
—NEIL KLEIN
A Rochester, N.Y., firm posted a notice announcing it would pay $100 to anyone who came up with an idea that could save the company money immediately. The first winner was an employee who suggested that the award be cut to $50.
—EXECUTIVE SPEECHWRITER NEWSLETTER
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single___, Married___, Divorced___.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn’t marked any of the blanks. Instead he’d written, “Yes, in that order.”
The company I work for recently purchased a building that had once been a hospital. Management asked for volunteers to help with some light renovation. I joined up, and my first task was to take signs down in the parking lot.
One read, “Reserved for Physician.” I said to a coworker that I should keep the sign and post it on my sister’s garage door. My friend asked, “Is your sister a doctor?”
“No,” I replied. “She’s single.”
—JOHN ALLEN
While driving through South Carolina, I kept on having to slow down for road repair crews.
To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, “Let ’em work. Let ’em live.”
On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, “Let ’em finish!”
—JOYCE BURDETT
I arrived at the office early one morning and noticed someone had left the lid to the copy machine open. I closed the lid and settled in for the workday. Over the next few weeks I found someone was continually leaving the lid up. Finally I caught the guilty party, surprised I hadn’t figured out who it was long before. The culprit was Richard—the only male on our staff.
—TRUDY M. GALLMAN
My friend, a grocery store manager, chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching the perp with a leaping tackle in cleaning supplies. That’s when my friend noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.
“Everything’s fine, folks,” he assured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items.”
—PAT PATEL
A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. “Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”
“Sounds great,” the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
“Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. “That’s an easy one,” he replied. “So easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it.”
—KUMIKO YOSHIDA
When flooding closed the pressroom at a U.S. government office last spring, a spokeswoman remarked, “This is the first time that a leak has stopped the press from writing.”
—RONALD G. SHAFER IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
I’m a mechanic who was called to help a stranded motorist. When I arrived, the woman was telling her car, “C’mon” as she tried to start it. She said that the car belonged to one of her children, and that she didn’t know what was wrong with it. I suspected the engine was flooded, so I waited a few minutes before trying the ignition again. Then I, too, said “C’mon” as I turned the key. The vehicle started immediately.
“Great,” said the woman. “Not only don’t my kids listen to me, but they’ve trained their cars not to listen to me either.”
—JOHN PUSHKO
At the bank where I was employed as a teller we were not allowed to eat while working. But one day, five months pregnant, I was ravenous. I opened a bag of potato chips and started to devour them.
Just then I spotted one of our best customers and his wife heading my way. Quickly, I wiped my mouth and greeted them. As I processed their transaction, I noticed they were looking at me oddly.
On their way out, the man said, “I don’t understand these young people.”
“Dear, that’s a fashion statement,” his wife explained. “It’s a new type of brooch.”
I looked down to see what could have caused such controversy. To my horror, a large potato chip was resting neatly on my left shoulder.
—JOANN MANNIX
Conductor Sir Neville Marriner was leading the Boston Symphony at Tanglewood, in Massachusetts. During the final chords of the program many concert-goers would leave their seats so they could beat the traffic. When asked if he was irritated, Marriner reacted with English aplomb. No, he said, he preferred to think that he was being rewarded with “a standing evacuation.”
—MICHAEL RYAN
As personnel assistant for a printing company, I had to update the job descriptions and asked various managers for their input. When the controller, the owner’s son, returned a form I had distributed, the section entitled “job qualifications” was left blank. I sent it back and asked that he complete the form. He did, adding this reply: “Must be related to the boss and have an accounting degree from Notre Dame.”
—JANET PETZNICK
“That’s two ‘ayes’, two ‘nays’ and one ‘whatever.’”
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield: “Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”
—LARRY HOUPT
Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn’t afraid to tackle any job. Their ad read: “Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts.”
—MARY BETH CARROLL
At the hardware store where I work, our manager was writing out a bill when he turned to me and asked, “Hey, what are these nuts worth?”
A new clerk looked up and said, “I thought we were getting seven bucks an hour.”
—DENNIS SCARROW
The new city hall in Chandler, Arizona, is eco-friendly and uses recycled gray water in the toilets. Just to be safe, a sign went up in the bathrooms warning employees not to drink out of the toilets. “I’m glad I saw that sign because I was very thirsty,” deadpanned the mayor.
Getting into my car one night, I turned the key and was dismayed to discover that the battery was dead. I took out my cell phone and dialed the automobile club. Just as the dispatcher answered, there was a loud fender bender on the highway nearby.
“Wow,” the dispatcher said, hearing the crunch of metal on metal. “Most people wait until after the accident to call.”
—TIM O’BRIEN
The large office building that I work in is showing signs of its advanced age. Structural and cosmetic renovations began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight. The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor.
The tenants apparently are feeling the stress. Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered warning sign left by the workmen: “Watch your step—floors 3, 4, and 5.” By lunchtime, someone had added, “have been removed.”
—CAROLE M. SAMPECK
Ernest, my husband, was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Ernest replied in astonishment. “People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”
“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’”
—LAURA PETERSON
“It’s $50 for fixing the sink, and $300 for babysitting your husband.”
I owned a taxi service with my husband, William. While sitting in a cab waiting for a fare, William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb. Then he heard someone open the back door and get in. When he turned around to ask the destination, William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door. “Thanks,” said the passenger. “I just wanted to get over the water.”
—MARY SPROULE
Being in the bee removal business, I’m used to frantic phone calls, like the one from the woman whose home was infested with bees.
“You don’t understand,” she said, explaining why she was so upset. “I have two small children here.”
“I do understand,” I reassured her. “I have six children of my own.”
“Oh,” she said, now calmer. “I guess you don’t have the ‘birds’ part down yet.”
—KAY JONES
My budget-minded mother is always clipping coupons and keeps detailed records of how much money she saves. One day while running the cash register at the drugstore where she works, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy some condoms. My mother noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d like to use it, adding that she and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, “On these?”
—ELAINE EHRCKE STARNES
On my first day at the gas station, I watched a coworker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.
“It would go out,” he answered very matter-of-factly.
“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes are ignited?”
“No,” my coworker replied. “The force from the explosion would blow the match out.”
—DAN WALTER
At the large bookstore where my son works, the clerks tend to watch out for one another, trading shifts and covering for each other in emergencies. Recently, though, a disagreement between two clerks escalated into a fistfight. One of them ended up going to the hospital, leaving my son to cover for him.
The store manager, who had missed the whole episode, later came looking for the injured clerk. “Where’s Jack?” the man asked.
My son didn’t miss a beat. “Oh,” he said, “he punched out early.”
—ELLEN KAHN
I’m a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me very well, I jokingly said, “For those of you who can’t see me, I’ve been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford.”
Immediately one woman called out, “We’re not that blind!”
—BOB SHANKLAND
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night will stop my fellow mail carriers and me from delivering junk mail.
One day, I delivered an envelope full of coupons to a home that was addressed: “To the Smart Shopper at …”
The next day, the envelope was returned with this note scrawled on it: “Not at This Address.”
—VANESSA PEEBLES
Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were having lunch. Gates puffed out his chest and boasted of the innovations his company had made. “If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we’d all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 m.p.g.”
“I suppose that’s true,” the GM exec agreed. “But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?”
We bank tellers receive a lot of sweets as gifts from our customers around the holidays. One morning at breakfast, I was telling my husband that the bank employees had the potential to gain weight on the job. “Yeah,” my husband said slyly, “you’re all going to turn into ‘teller tubbies.’”
—STEPHANIE BURTON
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, “I’ll turn the pumps on right away!” What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank.
Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. “We kept passing the money to the last guy,” he said. “We figured you’d get here sooner or later.”
—JIM NOVAK
My son, Earl, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he noticed his coworkers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
—JANICE A. CRABB
As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When we were finished with meals, we scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked our plates for the dishwasher. One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of me in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, I heard him mutter, “Now stay there this time.”
—IAN A. WORLEY
My boss at the warehouse told the new guy not to stack boxes more than head-high. “If the inspector shows up,” he said, “we’d get in trouble. So, questions?”
“Yeah,” said the new guy. “How tall is the inspector?”
—CYNTHIA FRANKLIN
On the door of the post office in rural Esperance, N.Y.:
PULL
If that doesn’t work, PUSH.
If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.
Come again.
—VERA KASSON
While on a business trip, I traveled via commuter train to my various appointments. Before each stop, a petite, fragile-looking conductor entered the car. In a surprisingly booming voice, she clearly and authoritatively announced the destination.
One passenger complimented the conductor on her powerful voice, asking, “How do you manage to speak so forcefully?”
“It’s easy,” she replied. “I just visualize my kids sitting in the back of the train, doing something they shouldn’t.”
—JOSEPH FRANCAVILLA
“No, you roll over!”
The photo in our local paper showed a cubicle that had been destroyed by a fire. The accompanying article said it happened in a state office building and the blaze started when something fell onto a toaster, accidentally switching it on and igniting some paper.
I was about to turn the page when my husband asked, “Did you notice where it happened?”
“No,” I said. “Where?”
“At the Bureau of Occupational and Industrial Safety.”
—STEFANIE SWEGER
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?
—JODY ROHLENA
The woman needed encouragement to keep peddling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, “Close your eyes and imagine you’re riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting.”
Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.
“What’s wrong?” asked my friend.
“The traffic light’s red,” she replied.
—JULIA ADIE
My husband took an evening job at a large mortuary. He would arrive at 5 p.m., as most of the staff was leaving, and worked until 10 p.m. greeting visitors. On his second night I decided to call and see how he was doing. A secretary who was working late answered the phone.
“Is Mr. Sloan there?” I asked. I heard papers being shuffled. “I’m sorry,” she finally replied. “Mr. Sloan is not ready for viewing yet.”
—WILODEAN SLOAN
A farmer called my veterinary office and asked me to make a house call. Because the road was closed, he parked his ancient pickup in a field for me to drive the rest of the way. But once behind the wheel, I realized the brakes didn’t work. The truck sped toward the stable, across the farmyard, into the barn, and embedded itself in a gigantic haystack.
Sweating, I climbed out and apologized. “Don’t worry,” the farmer said to me. “That’s how I stop the car, too.”
—JOSEPH HOLMES
Working at a major satellite company, I was expecting two technicians from the phone company who were coming by to do repairs. When they arrived, I was surprised to see that both were women. Wanting to appear equally emancipated, I called the only woman in our information-technology department to be their guide.
As we waited for Ellen, I thought about the strides women have made over the years.
When Ellen showed up, she smiled and nodded to the two women. Then she turned to me and said, “So, what happened to the guys from the phone company?”
—VICTORIA TOLINS
Recently, I went to use the ladies’ room in the office building where I work. I beat a hasty retreat, however, after seeing this sign inside: “Toilet out of order—please use floor below.”
—CLAIRE ROSKIND
World’s worst jobs:
Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician
Vice President, Screen Door Sales, Reykjavík, Iceland, Division
Sperm Bank Security Guard
Road Kill Removal Crew
Russian Cartographer
Prison Glee Club President
Assistant to the Boss’s Nephew
