CHAPTER 14
Teaching Confidence to Teenagers
Introduction
Can you think of times when you felt unsure of yourself? How did this affect behaviour? I remember crossing the road rather than having to talk to people I knew. My mum noticed this and signed me up for speech and drama classes. They were brilliant! The confidence gained has helped all aspects of life, underpinning my achievements.
Confidence is a powerful, elusive quality that creates success. Building this gives courage to try out different things. We normally approach new activities apprehensively, resulting in worry and confusion if problems occur. Persistence means we usually gain mastery, but if rescued by someone in the middle of an activity, we learn that they can do something that we cannot. In this chapter we consider what builds confidence, particularly for students in senior schools who experience communicative difficulties or consider themselves shy. First, consider the story of Ella.
Ella
Ella (not her real name) was a lively girl with three young brothers. However, when starting school she refused to talk. Her mum was beside herself and asked if she could join a Communication Opportunity Group (COG). This met weekly to have fun and encourage communication, based on narrative development (Sage 2000), assisting formal talk as in answering questions, giving instructions, re-telling experiences and making explanations. Children can chat well but have problems with formal classroom discourse. The first narrative level is generating ideas, so in a circle a box of objects is passed round and – when music stops – the one holding it selects something to talk about or demonstrate its use. Participants have an eight-hour programme, building narrative levels according to need. They then present five activities to help clarity, content, convention and conduct when communicating, for parents and friends, which are assessed for a certificate.
Although initially Ella responded non-verbally, when she felt confident she began to speak. She stuck with the group and now is a primary school teacher. She says: ‘COGs coached me in things that were difficult. When I started school I was overwhelmed with talk and ducked out. I was shy, but now realize it was more than this. I couldn’t make the move from home to class talk without help.’
What is confidence?
Put simply, it is the certainty that one is capable and can face life’s challenges with awareness of self-worth. With confidence there is a realistic understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses, valuing the former and working on the latter. The socio-psychological concept of self-confidence is related to being assured of one’s ability, judgement and power in any situation (Chandra 1999). It is having the attitude that – whatever the difficulty – one can handle it as well as possible. Also, one must appreciate that effort does not always bring immediate success. Do you know the story of the chap who developed Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) and knocked on a thousand doors before anyone would consider his product? Confidence in the future of this fast food was the driving-force that kept Mr KFC going. Being confident is infectious because it demonstrates power and control over people and events. If you come over well to others, they will want to copy your behaviour.
Arrogance, in contrast, is having unmerited confidence – believing something or someone is capable or correct when they are obviously not. Overconfidence is excessive, unwarranted belief in something or someone succeeding, without regard for possible failure. Confidence can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those without it may fail, or not try to achieve because they lack it; and those with it may succeed because they have it, rather than superior, innate ability. Self-belief is the driving force in behaving confidently and impressing others.
How confidence develops
Erikson (1963) describes the growth of confidence through emotional development, in eight stages, influenced by the quality of communicative relationships with other people:
1.Early infancy: trust versus mistrust
2.Late infancy: autonomy versus shame and doubt
3.Early childhood: initiative versus guilt
4.Middle childhood: competence versus inferiority
5.Adolescence: identity versus role confusion
6.Early adulthood: intimacy versus isolation
7.Middle adulthood: production versus stagnation
8.Late adulthood: self-acceptance versus despair.
The stages are based on a series of contrasts. As we go through life we develop positive or negative concepts of ourselves in relation to what happens and is communicated to us. So, if an infant has good communicative relationships, she/he will learn trust, but if these are bad, mistrust occurs (Sage 2000, 2007). Erikson proposes a growth pattern of constructs which slot into learning. In school, when children can compare performance against others, they grasp an idea of their competence in relation to them. Seeing themselves doing worse than peers means feelings of inferiority are experienced and learned. Sage (2003) argues that these abstract concepts – based on fundamental notions of good and bad feelings from events – are the way children analyze the world. Early experiences – such as feeding and care – generate positive or negative reactions from the child and are the measure for judging succeeding events.
Clearly, the concept of self that emerges includes children’s overall view of their self (self-concept), body and abilities (self-image) and value (self-esteem). Self-confident people normally have high self-esteem. The earliest stage is the discovery that one is separate from others, constant and continuous. By age two, most children have learnt their name and, by three, achieved some autonomy because of physical, mental, social and emotional abilities. At four, a child shows possessiveness about space and things, and by five to six verbalizes thoughts and emotions and forms positive or negative judgements about theirself.
Much of self-image comes not only from what people perceive about themselves from daily experiences but from how they think others regard them. Therefore, they learn from others’ reactions. Self-concept and values are affected by persons of significance in life – relatives, teachers, etc. So these adults must screen out those who pull down a child’s character and encourage those that build it. A young person’s self-concept comes from home and school nurturing, with peers being important as teenage years are reached. The deeper the roots of early self-confidence, the better equipped are children to interact with peers in a way that builds rather than destroys self-worth. They then know how to handle those who are amiable and others that are problematic. For healthy social development, children must first be comfortable with ‘self’ before they can be so with others. Being shy does not mean a poor self-image; it does suggest, however, that a child needs a boost to confidence, for adjusting to new situations and relationships and learning to be comfortable about interacting with others.
Baljit
Baljit (not his real name) was diagnosed with Elective Mutism and joined a communication group (COG) in school when aged seven years. The small group (eight students) and the interactive experiences (he particularly liked the mini-beast hunts!) helped him develop confidence and learn to communicate in a structured approach that gave him security, awareness and feelings of enjoyment and success.
Meadows (1993) reminds us, however, that children cannot be relied on to express feelings accurately, as it takes years to identify and communicate these explicitly. Also, many children have problems with communicating effectively in formal contexts such as school, because they lack the narrative thinking and language structures to understand and express ideas coherently with those that are unfamiliar. People with low esteem are anxious and struggle when coping with new situations. Others with high esteem have achievements valued and praised, experiencing a warm relationship with clear communication and limits set on behaviour (Merry 1998). Males are more confident in new tasks, but this may change as females take on more leading roles. It is important for youngsters to have opportunities to talk endlessly and observe and experiment constantly in a variety of situations so that they learn how to act and react. This happens in Japan, with schools the noisiest places imaginable, and students who are confident communicators can articulate their ideas, opinions and values.
Trying belatedly to impose values and ideas on a teenager – whose main developmental task at this stage is to identify their own beliefs – can be a difficult challenge. It is necessary, therefore, for parents and teachers to ‘walk the talk’ with a consistent model of behaviour to assist the social, emotional and mental development of those in their care. This is particularly difficult for shy parents, and those whose children have attended COGs have asked for help. This has been possible in several schools in Leicester, when teaching assistants have run COGs for students, their parents and in some cases grandparents, with great success.
Factors affecting self-confidence
Self-esteem has been directly connected to an individual’s social network, the activities they take part in and what is communicated to them by others. Positive self-esteem has been linked to factors such as body image, physical and mental health, and mattering to those around them. In contrast, low self-esteem arises from a deprived background, poor relationships and communication, depression and antisocial behaviour such as bullying. Adolescents with poor health and wellbeing display low self-esteem.
If self-confidence is shaky, a youngster may view aggressiveness or bullying as normal, allowing themselves to be victimized or even making these behaviours part of their own. Children meet the challenge of new social groups with different behaviours. If they have a strong self-image, they are unlikely to be disturbed by them, but they might, however, become frustrated and experience stress which affects their emerging personalities.
Globally, self-confidence declines during adolescence. In contrast to males, it will not shoot up for females until early adulthood. The step from child to adult is a large one, with expectations of being independent both emotionally and economically. During adolescence, self-esteem is affected by body image, age, race, ethnicity, puberty, health, height, weight, physical prowess and attraction, gender presentation and identity as well as an awakening of sexuality. Adolescence, therefore, presents an opportunity for helpful intervention. Self-confidence, however, does vary according to personality and ability, and is observed in a variety of dimensions. For example, extrovert people come over as more confident than those who are introvert by nature. Components of social and academic life affect self-esteem. An individual’s self-confidence can alter across contexts of both home and school, according to their feelings about these situations, and so contribute to a feeling of wellbeing or not (Myers, Wiliise and Villalba 2011).
The Wheel of Wellness was the first theoretical model of wellbeing, based in counselling theory, and has been used to support students in adolescence (Myers et al. 2011). It is based on Adler’s individual psychology, together with cross-disciplinary research on characteristics of those living longer with a higher quality of life. Five life tasks are defined: spirituality, self-direction, work–leisure, friendship and love/regard. In the area of self-direction, further tasks are identified: sense of worth and control, realistic beliefs, emotional awareness and coping, creativity and problem solving, a sense of humour, suitable nutrition, exercise, self-care, stress management, gender and cultural identity. There are also five second-order factors: the coping, social, essential, creative and physical dimensions which allow exploration of the meaning of wellbeing within the total self. In order to achieve high self-esteem, it is important to identify strengths, positive assets and resources related to each component of the Wellness model, and use these to cope with life challenges. Factors in this model are reflected in the EU recommendations for key competencies necessary for the twenty-first-century citizen and researched by Sage (2011).
Implicit and explicit self-confidence
Implicit is defined as something implied or understood though not directly expressed. In contrast, explicit is something that is fully and clearly expressed with nothing implied. Implicitly versus explicitly measured self-esteem has been weakly correlated. Some experts, therefore, assume that explicit and implicit self-confidence are two different types of self-esteem. They conclude that one will either have a distinct, unconscious self-esteem or consciously misrepresent one’s feelings. Studies have shown that implicit self-esteem does not specifically tap into the unconscious but that people over-report their levels of it. Another possibility is that implicit measurement may be assessing a different aspect of conscious self-esteem (Timko et al. 2010). Research also suggests that teachers have low expectations of some students, particularly for those with communication problems, with consequences for their self-value (Sage 2007).
Inaccurate self-evaluation is commonly observed even in healthy populations. Large differences between one’s self-perception and actual behaviour indicate a number of disorders that have implications for teaching and the nature of interventions (Beer et al. 2010). Self-confidence does not necessarily imply a belief in being able to succeed in everything in life. For example, one may not be good at sport, music, drama or any other specific activity but still remain self-confident. This is the result of not placing too much emphasis on outcome, or being overcome by the negative consequences of something. It enables one to remain positive and self-confident by not worrying about failure or disapproval of others. One can then focus on the specific situation, so enjoyment and success is more likely. Belief in ability to perform successfully comes through positive experiences, adding to and consolidating self-confidence. This approach is the ethos of Japanese child-rearing and Sage (2012) shows how this leads to self-confident students who communicate well and are able to reach high levels of achievement.
Confidence in others
People can have confidence in other people or forces beyond immediate control. For example, one may have confidence in parents, teachers and police to protect and support. Sports fans have confidence that their team will win a game or top the league! Faith and trust are synonyms of confidence when used in this sense.
This is explained by conversion of objective evidence (observation) into subjective estimates (judgement). We mix true and false evidence during storage and retrieval of information to and from our memories (Hilbert 2012). Confidence biases results because we ‘look inside our memories’ (evaluate our confidence) and find evidence that is more extreme than when retrieved for making judgements (which are conservative due to mixing extreme values in the process). This explanation is sufficient to generate both overconfidence (in situations where judgement is sure) and under-confidence (in cases when it is judged that required knowledge is lacking).
How to build self-confidence at home and school
Confidence is built in oneself from positive support from others around. There are four major steps that can be identified in the process:
•Positive image results in self-confidence and depends on understanding one’s own limits and trusting abilities. Those with a positive image can handle themselves in tough situations. So, as teachers and parents, we must show confidence in young people and both verbal and non-verbal cues are important. I remember a teacher saying how lovely a student’s picture was, but voice and facial grimaces showed otherwise! It is non-verbal cues that have most impact and being unconscious we need awareness of their negative impact on others.
•Acceptance results from complimenting what is done well. Try not to say ‘You’re good’, but ‘Luke, I liked the way you cleared up after work. You’re good at organizing yourself.’ Addressing by name – especially when accompanied by eye contact – conveys a ‘you’re special’ message. Beginning interaction by using a name breaks barriers and softens corrective discipline. Also, being specific in what you say boosts confidence with useful feedback. If something is done inappropriately, comment calmly and quietly. It is important to say something like ‘I appreciate that you’ve really tried.’ Conveying the idea that without mistakes there is no learning or wisdom gained is vital! Suggest the 80/20 rule: no one is totally confident about everything. Be bold and confident about 80 per cent of the time.
•Encouraging initiative develops patience and confidence. In the UK we give students direct help in order to meet National Curriculum requirements. This encourages dependency and is in direct contrast to the Japanese approach when adults encourage trying rather than assisting students with tasks. It is important to be proud and positive of any response, so students will not fear new challenges and develop self-confidence to persist with tasks. Setting someone up to succeed avoids confidence being threatened. In our measuring and testing society, skills and their value are considered in relation to others. It is important to value the person for what they are rather than how they perform. Do this with plenty of eye-contact and focused attention. Reinforce that the one who achieves a skill first is often not the best in the long term. ‘Probability goals’, in a challenge, include an error margin: ‘Let’s see if you can get the ball into the net three out of ten throws.’ This makes it less likely that someone will give up if they do not succeed first time. It is necessary to convey belief that the challenge can be met and that mistakes are the only way to improve.
•Act as a role model, as others learn most from your behaviour. Both parents and teachers are observed and imitated as significant people in youngsters’ lives. Children copy adults to be like them. If they see you helping others, they will try to do so too. Requesting assistance from them when appropriate communicates regard for their capability and competence, and builds self-esteem. However, if they hear you talking negatively about people and things, they will do so too and believe the same might be said about them at some time.
Such steps depend on knowing and understanding students well, treating them always with respect, and giving unconditional, positive regard and support. This requires masses of positive reinforcement, providing boundaries and advice and instilling direction and realistic goals to be achieved in small steps. If you can help someone to think confident, they will be confident, with doubt eliminated and lifelong self-esteem promoted. Obviously, one cannot completely protect the young from the unpleasantness of the world, or shield them from unkind peers. However, they can be built up, strengthened and supported as they move towards complete independence.
Issues regarding specific communication difficulties
This book is about people who talk in some circumstances but not in others. According to your educational and training background and experiences, you will have a particular perspective on this situation. Typically, those who display this behaviour talk normally with familiar people, but clam up in less familiar circumstances such as school. Some experts consider this as extreme shyness and largely a mental heath issue. However, others suggest there is a problem moving from informal (chat) to formal (informative) styles of communicating. Informal talk does not have a planned outcome to the exchange and is highly interactive, with participants sharing responsibility for topics. The talk can progress in any direction but there is mutual understanding of what is expressed. This conversation is typically mundane about common routine experiences and events, requiring little analytic activity and opportunities to control the situation (Wood 1999).
In contrast, class talk is formal and directed to particular goals with emphasis on technical terms and word meanings, and less opportunity to control events. It is mentally complex, demanding the processing of large quantities of information, remote from individual concerns, frequently referring to a context not normally present. Also, most talk in schools is directed to groups rather than individuals. This requires assumptions to be made and a discourse level with many questions and commands that are unfamiliar to most children. Learners need to put together information and explain things, as in responding to ‘How’ and ‘Why’ requests. Research shows that many students leave school without formal communication competencies to cope with life and work (Sage 2012).
To succeed in the classroom, students must understand the specific ways to use language and communication in a relevant, appropriate manner. This requires them to judge what they do and modify this if indicated on another occasion. Many students do not develop this awareness of the different requirements of language until relatively late. Sage (2000) goes into this issue of home and class talk in some detail, with findings that provide evidence that this shift between discourse levels is not always understood by educationalists. Children can converse adequately informally but be completely flummoxed when faced with formal talk situations. This suggests how important it is for them to be given opportunities to practise formal communication activities, as this is the foundation for co-operating, collaborating and learning with others.
A Communication Opportunity Group Strategy (COGS) has been particularly successful in building formal language competencies and has worldwide endorsement in recent development studies undertaken by teachers studying with the College of Teachers (TCOT). Courses are now available for any interested person online at reasonable prices.1 In this chapter it is not possible to expand on this approach but information is readily available from TCOT, which resides in the Institute of Education in London. To reflect on what has been discussed and to review your thoughts and opinions, have a look at the suggestions to generally help confidence and communication in the section below.
Here is a random collection of suggestions to boost confidence in others, which has been collected from friends and colleagues. Can you put them in rank order as to what you regard as most to least important?
•Encourage others to develop strategies for tasks, resisting providing solutions.
•Comment on achievements positively and reinforce appropriate behaviour.
•Encourage others to build a support network, identifying who can help them.
•Give tasks that can easily be done, giving value and importance to these.
•Show an interest in their lives and experiences, discussing problems together.
•Reinforce personal safety principles – it is OK to say ‘no’ for self-protection.
•Encourage others to trust feelings and share what is fearful or hurtful.
•Respect privacy and a need for personal space.
•Suggest that you are available when needed for anything.
•Give others responsibilities and reinforce their value.
•Laugh with others not at them, showing regard and respect at all times.
•Say ‘sorry’ if you have made a mistake and encourage others to do so.
•Point out that mistakes are natural to growing and learning.
•Talk with, rather than at, others, smiling happily to be interacting with them.
•Be consistent always, and if others misbehave, they are OK, but not their behaviour.
•Consult over decisions to involve everyone in the process.
•Focus on a need to care for oneself, relax and enjoy experiences.
•Be calm and fair, refraining from imposing your thoughts or attitudes on others.
•Avoid nagging and bullying.
•Ensure that your verbal and non-verbal behaviour match in interactions.
Final thoughts
You cannot make others feel confident. Security and insecurity are functions of the self. However, it is perfectly possible to help them to find confidence, assuming they want to achieve it. Confident people dare to do things, take calculated risks, learn from experiences and are willing to take on new challenges and enjoy them. Confidence takes them through life successfully and allows failure to be coped with positively – it is the result of risk-taking. Reviewing times when students have achieved something well helps to build self-worth by acquiring self-awareness and self-respect.
Self-confidence is defined as having a realistic idea of one’s own judgement, ability and power. It is a belief in an ability to succeed with an ‘I can’ rather than an ‘I am’ response. Teenagers who are confident grow up to have a positive sense of self and become balanced adults. Parents and teachers can help them build confidence through adolescence, and this chapter gives some ideas for reflection.
Teenagers today consume vast quantities of junk food. They take many risks and do not really care about health and safety. It is the nature of this stage in life, but parents and teachers can encourage them to be healthier, more aware people who can withstand life’s hard knocks. We can help others to develop self-confidence by encouraging them to:
•know the facts of a situation to make sensible judgements
•be ready, anticipating others’ behaviour and preparing responses to this
•prepare well for situations, using open questions to assert and control
•practise for reactions with positive mantras, written to be often read (I will not be put down; I can do it; I will not let others upset me; etc.)
•have faith in abilities and personal style which will work if you let them
•feel sympathy/empathy for bullies – they need it!
•take note of things that inspire and reinforce proper values and attitudes
•be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses and plan for self-development
•relax and enjoy experiences to keep a perspective and balance to life
•never be afraid to take calculated risks as this is the key to progress.
Beliefs make the difference between confidence and a lack of it, understanding they are only opinions and not facts. Inaccurate or biased beliefs can be changed. We all hold particular views on why people can talk in some circumstances and not others. It is likely to be a blend of causes that are both communicative and psychological. Confidence is rooted in communicative ability and relationships that evolve from this. A lack of confidence alone is not a recognized mental heath issue but will impact on this. Holding negative beliefs about oneself lowers resilience and ability to cope with life stresses. This places people at a higher risk of developing problems such as social phobias or depression related to mood and self-belief. They then find that pressure of other symptoms such as a communication problem impacts on the way they view themselves.
The consequences of a lack of confidence, low self-esteem and communication difficulty are significant in all areas of life and can confirm a view of being of little value. They influence personal relationships with feelings of not deserving love and respect, so allowing others to take advantage and control situations. It can be difficult, therefore, to hear criticism and receive it constructively. This results in being oversensitive and easily upset, so situations and activities requiring judgement are avoided, leading to isolation and frustration. If lack of confidence and communication come from a belief of limited competence and intelligence, work will be a struggle and difficult tasks not attempted.
Teenagers need an extra boost to their self-confidence as they step up to adult responsibilities, and a COG came up with ten tips to help themselves which are well worth sharing and help summarize this discussion. These are:
•Never put yourself down.
•Make a habit of saying good things about yourself to yourself.
•Be helpful and considerate to other people.
•Become aware of things you are good at.
•Make friends with those who support you.
•Pursue work and interests that are interesting and enjoyable.
•Learn to be assertive and not allow others to put you down.
•Value your communication and aim to extend and improve it.
•Stop comparing yourself to other people – you are unique!
•Understand life has ups and downs and find ways to survive the latter.
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