It Begins with You
Many a blessing has been lost by Christians not believing it to be a blessing, because it did not come in the particular shape which they had conceived to be proper and right.
C. H. Spurgeon
“I’d be a horrible God.” My daughter Emily said it. “I’d be mad at everyone all the time. Especially at people like me.”
My wife, Brenda, agreed. “I’d be shaking people by the shoulders right and left. You’d walk down the street and see people shaking.” Twenty-four hours a day, one big peoplequake, you and me included.
But God doesn’t seem to be mad at everyone, and we don’t see people shaking. Is he just holding back? Maybe he’s really angry inside and is gritting his teeth to keep from showing it.
Or maybe one of the things that makes him God is the ability to be completely right all the time and yet patiently tolerant of people who seem so completely wrong. It takes supernatural strength not to do something that you have the power and justification to do.
But why be tolerant? And why not use your strength to do what you have every right and reason to do?
Love?
After a great time of shopping at thrift stores one summer day, Brenda and I headed home, but for some reason I was in a bad mood. I was short with her. Then, getting out of the car in a huff, I accidentally dropped a bag and broke a half dozen juice glasses she had been excited about purchasing. That snapped me out of my selfishness, and I felt awful. She didn’t say a word. I went inside and tried to drown my idiocy in a nap. When I woke up, she had dinner ready. I apologized again, and she smiled. It was as if it took no effort at all for her not to be angry with me. It was weird. And very powerful. I didn’t want to break more juice glasses. I wanted to love her back.
That’s what acceptance does. Acceptance is forgiveness and grace and love all rolled into one. It’s not license to act unacceptably; it’s inspiration to give back the same generosity you receive. I even wanted to give back more than the generosity she had given. I didn’t tell myself to feel that way; it was as if I was already wired to respond that way.
The family member in your most challenging relationship is wired the same way.
What would my response have been if she had scolded, rebuked, and criticized me? She would have been absolutely justified. I deserved it. But my response would have been something like, “Oh yeah, well what about that time you . . . I said I was sorry! . . . Sure, I messed up, but nobody died for crying out loud. Why get so upset about it? They’re just juice glasses . . .”
Right?
She accepted me, she accepted her role of influence, and she accepted the limits of her control. She couldn’t change me or the situation, but she sure could influence both, and she did. She wasn’t going to get her peace from juice glasses. She was passing on the same acceptance and peace she was already experiencing from God. It made me want to pass them on too.
Begin with You
First, let’s remind ourselves that humans are designed to influence each other, especially in families. That’s scary, because to be a positive influence you have to take responsibility for that influence, which is hard. But that’s also good, because when you do take responsibility, the design will automatically help you. This takes the pressure off. You don’t have to make anyone do anything.
When you take responsibility, you start with yourself, with accepting your family.
Here’s what I mean by acceptance: you change your attitude. You think, This situation doesn’t have to change. My family members don’t have to change. I may want change, but my happiness and contentment are not dependent on anyone or anything else changing.
My daughter Myquillyn always says, “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.” Your family doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. If it did, there would be no beautiful families.
You can accept your family as a whole and accept each individual member. You can accept the reality of who they are and their imperfections. You can desire change, but you don’t make your acceptance of them conditional on them meeting some criteria of yours.
You accept their personalities and accept how God has created them. That doesn’t mean you approve of all their attitudes or conduct. It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to them about those behaviors.
It does mean you love them anyway. Our family has a mantra for this, first said by Brenda’s sister Lillie about a family member who drove her nutty: “You can’t hide her. You can’t hate her. You can’t kill her. You just gotta love her.” Love them anyway.
Each is an individual on their own personal journey and accountable to God. God is not finished with them yet, or with you.
This journey is tough enough without rejection and conditional love from the ones closest to us. We all need and want acceptance and love.
This is the beginning of what Jesus did and does for us: “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8 NIV).
The hopes and dreams and goals of your family may be different from your own. You have control over only your desires and efforts. Would it be challenging to you to set a goal to lose thirty pounds? How much more challenging would it be if you set a goal for someone else to lose thirty pounds? And what if you made acceptance of them conditional on them losing the weight?
Now replace that goal with one such as being respectful, or employed, or sober. Or kind, or sensitive, or unoffended. Or that they stop thinking negatively, or stop marginalizing and rejecting you. And let’s say you won’t accept them until they change. How does that feel in your family? What if they hold back acceptance of you for their own reasons? “To be fully seen by somebody, and to be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on the miraculous.”1 Accepting and loving your family is a miraculous human offering.
Acceptance Can Transform the Person Accepted
I cried while watching Phantom of the Opera. A male friend told me he did the same thing. We were both surprised; we bonded in discovering our secret. And we both cried for the same reason.
Near the end of the show, we began to connect the dots of why this guy is so mean and angry. He’s a talented genius who’s disfigured, who’s never been loved, and who’s grasping for love and acceptance to the point of eliminating anyone in his way.
When he gets alone with Christine, he lifts the mask hiding his ugliness to kiss her on the forehead. Despite his ugliness, she accepts him and kisses him back. Experiencing acceptance of his true self, he opens up even more, and we discover that he has never ever given or received a kiss, not even from his own mother. It’s overwhelming to him, and it’s overwhelming to us. Maybe men cry because we identify with hiding rejection and loneliness under a gruff exterior. Now we see the real Phantom. We see past his outward behavior and sympathize with how he got that way. Each of us—even your family nemesis—has a story of how we got where we are.
(Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen Phantom of the Opera!) The Phantom experiences grace from Christine, and then he gives it back by rescuing his rival for her affections and letting them both go free. Acceptance has softened him and connected him with someone in a way he’s never been connected before. (End spoiler alert.)
How can you see beyond the stereotypes and connect with your family members? Accepted people open their hearts up and are generous; hurting people close their hearts up and hurt others.
If you’re confused or scared or feel insignificant, you might be short-tempered and selfish and act in ways that hurt others. If you feel unloved, you might be lonely and bitter and do unreasonable things to try to get love. Fill a family or a marriage with hurting people, and hurt will be multiplied.
But if your need for love and acceptance and approval is met, you can stop grasping desperately for it.
Acceptance Transcends Telling and Controlling
Christine didn’t tell the Phantom he should be gracious. He caught it from her. She was his access to something he needed. In your family, you are God’s access to something your family members need. You can influence them toward the things God has in mind—if you’ll accept that role.
That role may seem daunting to you, but the burden is on him to bring about what he has planned. When you accept your role as God’s access to your family, you have the privilege of cooperating with God and then watching what he does.
There is great power that comes from a peaceful attitude of trust. This is the beginning of contagious momentum. From our trust comes acceptance of others, and what follows are moments of genuine attention, curiosity, and love, which often reveal what God is up to in each family member. These are the first attitudes and acts of a person cooperating with God. This is the beginning of modeling for your family. These are things that become contagious. When you accept your role to model, you agree to take the initiative no matter what others do. The results are not up to you, only the role of modeling.
Do you want your family members to be more patient, kind, and respectful? Then you be patient, kind, and respectful. Leave the rest to God.
Do you want your family members to take less offense and be less argumentative? Then you take less offense and be less argumentative, and leave the rest to God.
Do you want your family members to root for each other and have a more positive attitude? You know what to do.
No, of course you can’t do it all, and you won’t do it all perfectly; you are growing too. But you can do something, and you must. Don’t just say, “They won’t listen! It won’t do any good! Look how they treat me!”
Once you get your peace right, you have all you need to accept your family members no matter their response. This may be tough, but remember that their response is not your job. Your job is to model and be an example—imperfect though it will be—of what you know is good and right.
Pastor Andy Stanley says, “We are never responsible for filling anyone else’s cup. Our responsibility is to empty ours.”2 And Jesus’s responsibility is to fill your cup so that you can empty it for others. Do you think he wants to do that? When you keep your cup full, he can’t refill it. There’s no room for him.
Thank God I’m not in control, because then I’d be responsible for the results. Do you want to be responsible for the results in your family? With control comes responsibility. My hands are full enough with the responsibility for just myself. Right now, you can put your family, your role, and the results in God’s hands and lighten up.
When you move in the direction of accepting your family members and loving them unconditionally, and accepting your role to model what you want to see, and accepting the limits of your control, you’re walking with Jesus. This is his direction. He is with you.
And it’s worth it, even if your family doesn’t change!
Acceptance Disables the Scoreboard
Some friends recently told the story of family members who have been mad at each other for years. They made talking motions with their hands to describe how each person is always talking about the other, still angry. Each thinks the other is more wrong and has committed more offenses: “Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but they’ve done worse . . .” And they know this because they’ve kept score.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick.” When I don’t forgive, I put my hope for joy and peace into the hands of another person. It’s all up to them—if they change, apologize, and make it right, then (maybe) I will too.
Where’s the love and grace in that? It’s just a business transaction.
It’s hard to live a life of faith when your happiness and peace depend on someone else.
Offenses are the easiest, most tempting, most subtle things to keep score of. Keeping score is also one of the Everyday Tactics of Family Disharmony. It disables family relationships.
Think of the times when you feel offended. Whether the offense is big or small, you know the feeling—it’s not fair, it’s not right, you’re hurt, you’re neglected, you put up with more than they do, you’re put out.
The natural reaction is to retaliate or just get away.
When I’m offended, I want to “leave”—emotionally or physically. And sometimes you do leave—maybe a church or job or relationship—even when you don’t know whether the next thing will be better. The next thing might be worse. Doesn’t matter; the offense was not logical, nor is the response.
Offenses are often hard to release because of a subtle appeal none of us want to admit. There can be something secretly sweet about being offended—a little self-justification and self-righteousness feel surprisingly nice, though we all deny it.
The bottom line is you harden toward the offender. The offender becomes almost an enemy. You may start by giving a cold shoulder or the silent treatment, then you cut the other off emotionally, hoping they’ll surrender.
Without thinking, you assume that if you rack up enough offenses, then you have a license to reject the offender, to get out. Everyone has their threshold of how much they’ll take. If yours is low, you’re always starting over with jobs, churches, and friends, and your family life is dominated by challenging relationships.
If there was a pill to cure being offended, the whole world would change.
Praying for the person who’s the source of the offense is one cure. It’s hard to pray sincerely and be mad at someone. When I don’t pray, it’s because I enjoy that secret, self-righteous rush.
There is another cure: get your peace right.
You don’t have to take advantage of your right to be hurt. You can choose courage, humility, and selflessness. You can choose to let offenders remove their masks and accept what you see. You can choose to try to understand why they said or did something. You can choose to consider that maybe you got their motive wrong. Maybe you even misunderstood the whole thing. All this choosing takes work, though: “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city” (Prov. 18:19).
But the work can be worth it: “Whoever covers an offense seeks love” (Prov. 17:9) and “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).
Acceptance Creates a Safe Place
I’ll bet if the Phantom had internet, he would have been grateful for the postsecret.com website. Maybe he would have felt a little better if he could have shared his pain. It’s one of the most popular blogs in the world. It posts anonymous confessions from people who send in postcards sharing things they’ve never told anyone. Not just secrets but confessions of fears, hopes, regrets, and desires. Some are funny. Some are frightening. Some are heartbreaking, embarrassing, painful, silly, and repulsive.
People also occasionally send objects that represent their secrets. The most common items are rings and razor blades. Heartbreak and shame. Here, you take it.
If you had a secret or hidden dilemma or embarrassment, and you felt the need to share, why wouldn’t you just tell someone? Tell a friend or family member. Tell a pastor or accountability partner. Or why have any secrets at all?
Your life is filled with people willing to listen. And it’s easy to get their undivided attention. Just say, “I have something I need to tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.” That’ll get their attention. If not, start to tell them something and then stop and say, “Oh, never mind, I probably shouldn’t say that.” Use either of these methods, and they will be utterly curious and obsessed with hearing what you have to say. So what’s the appeal of doing it publicly and anonymously?
And what’s the appeal of reading the secrets and pain of people you’ll never meet?
You keep quiet with people you know because opening the door to the real you is dangerous. Those who go through the door could be shocked at what they find. They could reject and shame you. You feel shame just thinking someone might reject you. And seeing what’s inside could hurt people you care about.
Rejection and shame and hurting people are scary. Deep down you want to connect and be known. When you read the secrets of others, you don’t feel so alone. You’re reminded that everybody experiences some kind of pain, regret, heartbreak, confusion, and shame. You thank God you’re not the only one. Yet, it’s still hard to believe you’re not alone. Nothing really helps until someone you love engages the real you that you’re hiding.
Hiding is the short-term, easy way. You avoid the risk of rejection, shame, and embarrassment. And you avoid the risk of hurting or disappointing someone you love.
But you also avoid doing anything about the thing you’re hiding. Since no one who matters knows, you leave things as they are (as long as you can stand the pain). You stay in the painful hiding place. This isn’t good for you or anyone else.
What is good for people is to somehow hear and experience this message: “I love you no matter what. I accept you despite that thing you want to hide. You can’t shock me or drive me away. I’m here to stay.” Then the dangerous place transforms into a safe place.
The safest place on earth is not the PostSecret website. It may feel safe, but it’s a neutered safety. You won’t experience judgment and rejection there, but you also won’t receive the true love and acceptance you’re hungry for.
Your Family Is Designed to Be the Safest Place on Earth
Yes, family can be the scariest place: rejection from a stranger is easier to take than rejection from someone you love. But it can also be the most awesome place: acceptance and grace for the real you from someone you love is powerful and liberating.
Your family is designed to be a place of honest vulnerability without rejection. Disagreements without anger. Foolish mistakes without embarrassment. Failure without shame.
The place where they know you best yet love you most. An encouraging place to launch and a soft place to land.
If you feel your family is far from a safe place, how can you get there?
You can make your corner safe. Be unshockable, but be shockingly graceful. Show that you believe this family place is safe by being vulnerable yourself. Grace and vulnerability are contagious.
For you and for those you love, your family is designed to be the safest place on earth. Commit to cooperate in your corner with the One who designed family that way, and he’ll move heaven and earth to help you experience that safety.
Once people sense safety and do as the Phantom did—remove their masks and open up—all you need to do is the easiest, most natural thing: just listen! Pay attention, be patient, and follow your normal, caring curiosity. You’re about to discover surprisingly deep connections.