He Wants More for Your Family Than You Do
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Romans 8:32
We’re finishing our journey down the momentum-gathering river. We began with trusting God for getting our peace right. Now we come full circle with trusting God by releasing everything into his hands.
The Family Relationships Expert
Back when James Dobson had his radio show Focus on the Family, I heard that people would call the ministry after the program to talk to Dr. Dobson about their parenting questions. Of course, given his leadership level at the ministry, he couldn’t take time to answer phone calls. So they compiled all the advice and answers from his books into a database so that anyone answering calls had access to what Dr. Dobson would say. Still, callers wanted to talk to him personally—they needed reassurance that they were getting his exact advice for their specific problems.
Every one of us wants this. If only we had access to someone who is not only experienced but also knows us and each member of our families and all the details of what’s happened and how we got here. Someone who could tell us what to do in the midst of our problems. Mom? Mom would be great—but maybe she’s tangled up in everything too. Or gone. Or part of the problem.
Over the years we’ve done our best, but it falls short. We’ve got the experience, the desire, the ability. Some say we’re way above average in these areas, but it’s still not enough.
[Jesus] sat down and taught the people from the boat. And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.”
And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.”
And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. (Luke 5:3–7)
Jesus was not a dad, never toilet trained a kid or waited up for a daughter. He never lost his temper and had to live with regret. He never fixed a flat tire or planned a budget or felt rejected by a mother-in-law. Nor was he an expert fisherman. But he told the experts where to catch fish, and they did. More than they could catch on their own.
Sometimes when I’m doing a project at home and lose a screw or can’t make something fit together, I ask Jesus to help me. Isn’t that trivial? Asking the almighty God of the universe for help with a little screw? Something good always happens, though. I do that less often when I’m lost on the road because, you know, I’m a guy. It seems I do it even less with the big stuff.
He’s not an expert or master because of experience but because he is deity. He is one of a kind.
Need Results?
For years you’ve tried; you’ve put in the work. You’ve followed the guidance you could find. And little has changed. Is it a waste? Do you quit? What do you do when your work seems fruitless? It’s hard to hope when there’s nothing to show for your efforts.
The Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees his Father doing. (John 5:19 NIV)
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)
Of course, Jesus did things differently than I do. He is deity, yet he didn’t go off on his own but only did what he saw “his Father doing.” I am not God, but I often trust in myself as if I were!
This isn’t advice, but it makes sense to me: when I feel fruitless, I’ve said to God out loud, “You say that if I abide in you, that if I stay in you and find my source of living in you, I will bear fruit. So, Lord, either I’m bearing fruit and you just don’t want me to see it, or I’m not remaining and abiding in you.” I have to keep it simple.
To remain in him, I continue to keep it simple. I trust him and his love and his purpose. I follow the best I can. I don’t try to earn results by performing or doing some ritual like keeping a quiet time; I keep my quiet time to help me remain in him. Remaining is trusting.
I try to trust simply for the next step and then take it. And to continue to trust no matter what is seen or not seen. I try to trust not for particular results but only for my personal relationship with him. Everything else I release to him. Our relationship is the biggest result.
Four Things to Release, and What Releasing Could Look Like
1. Release your family (and your nemesis).
Lord, you created them and made us each to be a gift to each other. Thank you. They were not my idea, and I was not my idea. I did not bring my family together, and I cannot keep them together. You can do anything you want with each of them and with me. Help me see everything that’s good in each one and in our family as a whole.
Thank you that you don’t want me burdened with the responsibility for how everything turns out, and thank you that you’re always creating circumstances and allowing troubles that pressure me to release them to you. Forgive me for trying to own them and our relationships. You take them; they’re yours. And please remind me tomorrow to release them to you again. And I give __________ to you for you to do anything you want, even if you want to leave everything the same.
2. Release your role.
Thank you, Lord, for creating a clear dividing line between what you do and what I do. You are in charge of results; I’m in charge of my effort within my role—thank you that I at least know that much. Thank you for making my role so easy when I cooperate with you and when I model and act as an example rather than scold, criticize, and correct. Thank you that crossing over to your role produces stress and frustration. Help me know that the answer is not to try or push harder but to stay in my role and woo. And thank you that the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.
3. Release your limits.
It’s funny how I can be so self-critical and beat myself up over my shortcomings yet act as if I know it all when it comes to how others should act and who they should be. OK, it’s not funny. I get frustrated from trying and failing, but then, Lord, you remind me that you didn’t create me to be successful at fixing people or relationships. Why don’t you remind me of that before I try so hard? Oh yeah, you do but I don’t listen. Thank you that you have made my weakness perfect in your strength. Thank you that my limits are the beginning of your life being revealed in my mortal body.
4. Release the results.
One more time, Lord: you’re in charge of results; I’m in charge of my effort within my role. Thank you that you always know what’s best and want what’s best and that you can bring it about even when I butt in. Sometimes, Lord, I act as if releasing control is a sacrifice that I have to do as an act of faith out of obedience. In reality, releasing is a relief. It’s a gift. And when I refuse to release control, what am I saying? That you can’t handle it? That you’re not trustworthy? Surely I’m not saying that. Thank you that you’ve graciously set things up so that when I try to take charge of results, you back off so that I can see the difference between your results and mine. Thank you that it’s such a big difference.
Prayer is the most practical thing you can do for your family. Prayer is not abstract theory or an idea or philosophy or strategy. It’s not what you do when nothing else works. You think of prayer as a spiritual thing, and it is, but it’s a spiritual thing in action with practical results.
When our girls were little, Brenda began praying for their husbands. Years later, it was freaky at the wedding rehearsal dinner seeing the tables with the pictures of Myquillyn and Chad growing up separately and thinking, So that’s what he looked like and was doing when she was this age . . . and realizing that Brenda was praying for him all that time without knowing who he was.
A few years ago Brenda and I wanted to pray more consistently. So we made it as easy and automatic as we could: we don’t get up from eating together at home without praying. So at the end of almost every meal at home, before we clean up, we push the plates away, hold hands, and pray for two or five or ten minutes. We keep it short, simple, and consistent. Our peace and confidence have greatly increased.
Our peace and confidence don’t come from getting results. Most of the time I’m surprised when I see my prayers answered positively. Many are not, and that seems normal; even God’s negative answers are as good as the positive ones because he always has my best interest in mind.
Our peace comes from the practical act of cooperating with God in reaching out for the unseen good we want for our family—and knowing he will do something. And our peace comes from personal intimacy with the almighty God of the universe, who rules over heaven and earth yet knows the number of hairs on my head and when a sparrow falls to the ground.
Recently, we prayed every day for three months to know what to do in an area I was restless about. It was a big deal to me. I wrote bullet points on what we were praying for, and why, and printed a copy for each of us. I never got a direct answer, but the restlessness ceased, and I’ve moved on with peace and confidence.
Then there was that day when I wanted some family members to talk about something important to all of us. But I was busy and stressed and had no time or words to start a conversation. In frustration, I said a brief prayer alone and gave it to God and headed to work. By the time I got home, they had talked.
One more thing—beware of PWD. Your prayer life can be defeated by it: Prayer Warrior Disease. PWD convinces you that no matter how often or how long you pray, it’s never enough. You are just a loser, and you’re discouraged from praying. Seriously, this is as common as a cold.
If you suffer from PWD, here’s the cure: when you’re watching TV or a movie, during a commercial or a break, turn the sound down and pray for one minute. Too long? Try thirty seconds. If you’re married, hold hands and pray out loud and thank God for your spouse. That’s all. Stop.
Then tomorrow do the same thing, and pray about something else for your family for one minute. This is the cure for PWD. Once it’s cured, you can move on with your prayer life in the times and places that are natural for you and your family.
Release Control
In my radio days, whenever I did an interview with someone who was sharing advice, I would ask them one bottom-line question as a simple takeaway for people.
One time I asked John Fuller from Focus on the Family, “What is one thing that would make the biggest or quickest difference in parenting—one attitude or thing parents could do?”
He didn’t pause a second: “Give up control.”
He said our kids have a thing called free will that will destroy all our expectations of control. Amen to that, right? And every family member has that free will too.
How can we have reasonable expectations for discerning the control we have and don’t have? For me, I picture the dentist’s chair. That chair reminds me that we’re a partnership but with a sharp division of roles. If we get our role mixed up with the dentist’s role, we’ll be confused, frustrated, and fruitless. And our teeth will hurt.
You know the roles: You have to show up—but someone else does the real work. You put yourself in someone else’s hands—but you’re still deeply involved. You’re not the one in control—but you can resist and fight and hinder the one who is.
In the dentist’s office, you know you’re not the expert. You would never say, “Give me that drill, I’ll do it.” But neither are you passive. You don’t just flop and expect things to happen. You keep the appointment. You rearrange things to be there. You do what they say. You open wide. You spit. You are aware of everything that’s going on. Then you go home and you brush and floss as you’ve been instructed.
Yes, you’re definitely fully involved. There’s a cost to you. But you’re not the one doing the work—someone else accomplishes it.
What are you trying to make happen that only God can make happen? As author and speaker Beth Moore has said,
I am not in control.
I cannot control all my people.
I cannot control our situation . . . even when I want what’s best.
I cannot control the outcome.
I cannot make people believe.
I cannot make people be strong . . . because I am not God.
He alone knows the end from the beginning.
He alone knows how this thing will turn out.
I hereby fire myself from his job.
I agree to see my fight for control as what it really is . . . a screaming testament to my distrust.2
As we’ve made our way together down the momentum-gathering river, we’ve looked closely at many of the Timeless Tools of Family Peace. We’ve seen how the Timeless Tools can work together, reinforce each other, and build momentum in our families.
We’ve realized the great power that comes from a peaceful attitude of trust and have found moments to give genuine attention to others, knowing it’s an act of love as well as an act of curiosity about what God is up to in each family member’s life. These are the first attitudes and acts of a person cooperating with God, no matter what family we’re in. This is the beginning of modeling for our families. And these are things that can become contagious.
After a bit of peace and trust, attention and curiosity, you begin to notice more things God is up to in your family, and you get more ideas for little ways to cooperate. In part 3, I’ll try to help you get even more specific about what the Timeless Tools can look like in your family situation.