YOUR MAGAZINE FEATURES TIGER WOODS A LOT. WHAT IS HE REALLY LIKE? IS HE THE RIGHTFUL HEIR TO NICKLAUS, PALMER, ETC., OR IS HE THE FOUL-MOUTHED SPOILED BRAT HE SOMETIMES APPEARS TO BE?
— Anonymous
A You don’t know Tiger. Neither does the Golf Guru. Who really does? His parents; perhaps his agent, Mark Steinberg. His caddie, Steve Williams. Hank Haney. His wife. His pals.
This is what I know: He’s a great golfer, perhaps the greatest who ever lived, and we are fortunate witnesses. The world’s venerable playing fields have never before witnessed such archery. His swing is as fast and fluent as electricity. He loves to win. His golf is intelligent, tactical, chesslike. He has incredible mental and physical gifts. He’s half Thai and half African American, which, if you believe in sweeping cultural stereotypes, accords him a blend of serene Eastern wisdom and ruthless Western competitiveness. (The Golf Guru, however, is wary of sweeping cultural stereotypes.)
Even that is more than Tiger wants us to know, for he is a private man, as he must be to survive. He utters charming, intelligent-sounding sentences that are entirely content-free. We do not know what he is thinking because he won’t tell us, and not one of us has ever walked a couple of fairways in his shoes.
He is not perfect, either on the course or off. He spits, he curses. He is human; he makes mistakes and could do better. Look in the mirror: This is true of us all. But shouldn’t we be judged by our best moments rather than our worst ones?
Does Tiger have friends on tour? Most are grateful for what he has done to their sport — and their paychecks. Some are a little in awe; some are a little jealous. Most say they don’t know him. In the words of an old Zen master: The swiftest bird flies alone.
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Q
EVERY MONTH, GOLF DIGEST HAS EXPERT ADVICE FROM RICK SMITH, BUTCH HARMON, DAVID LEADBETTER. IF THEY KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE SWING, WHY AREN’T THEY ON TOUR?
— Jack Jourdan, Schaumburg, Illinois
AThey were on various tours, in their younger days. Then they discovered that, though they were good players, their greater gift was as teachers. Performance has an uneasy relationship to teaching skill. Geniuses can make lousy teachers: A piano lesson with Beethoven would’ve likely been a disaster, especially once he was deaf. The best teachers have struggled in life and thus can relate to the struggles of their pupils.
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Q
WHAT PERCENT OF FANS WHO FOLLOW GOLF TOURNAMENTS ARE GOLFERS? I FEEL THAT A REASONABLE GUESS IS 90 PERCENT.
— T. J. Brzezinski, Warren, Michigan
A Roughly one-third of people who attend tournaments aren’t golfers (neither are two-thirds of TV golf viewers), which is why you sometimes hear funny comments from the gallery. Once, when Greg Norman was leading a tournament at 11 under par, he parred the first hole, and a red 11 was duly posted on a giant leader board next to his name under Hole 1. “Oh my God!” exclaimed a chubby man in the bleachers. “He made an 11 at the first hole!” Then Norman parred the second hole, and the same thing happened. “Two 11s in a row! Wow!” When Norman birdied the third, and a red 12 on the leader board sent the fellow into a fit of apoplectic incredulity, the Golf Guru felt duty-bound to intercede.
How to be a good spectator? Go early in the week. Take binoculars, a notebook, and sunscreen. Figure out the best vantage points. Spend some time on the range and soak up the swings. Look, listen, and learn. Above all, no yelling. At the British Open, we always hear how the galleries are so much more “knowledgeable” than the average American yahoo. That is not true, nor is the notion that British galleries are made up of lords and ladies dressed in tweeds, all uttering humorous verse by Oscar Wilde. They’re no smarter, they’re just quieter, and silence can be mistaken for profundity. To paraphrase Mark Twain: It is better to sit in silence and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
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I’M PLANNING TO ATTEND THE U.S. OPEN IN JUNE. I HAVE NEVER BEFORE ATTENDED A LIVE GOLF EVENT. WHAT ARE THE KEY THINGS I NEED TO KNOW, AND WHAT DO I NEED TO TAKE?
— Bill Hobstetter, Cincinnati, Ohio
A Take a hat, sunblock, binoculars, and perhaps a notebook and pen for scribbling down new swing theories, autographs, or your phone number. Here’s what you need to do: (1) See really good golfers, up close. Go to the range and find a pro whose swing you like. Watch. Listen. You’ll learn more from this than from reading any number of golf tips in a magazine. The Golf Guru would have been an even more mediocre golfer if, as a boy, he hadn’t spent hours soaking up the swings of Tom Weiskopf and Johnny Miller. (2) Study the course. This is a rare opportunity to walk one of the very best layouts on the planet, unencumbered by irritating things like clubs and balls and a scorecard. Walk all 18 holes early one morning, before the place gets packed with those beer-swilling, cigar-chomping losers, whose belief in how funny they are is inversely proportional to how funny they actually are. (3) Relish the scene, the buzz, the atmosphere. Go and hang out at the first tee, or the toughest par 3, or in a bleacher by the 18th green. Buy the shirt. Cheer your heroes. (4) For the grand finale — the cut and thrust of the closing holes as the new champion keeps his enemies at bay — you should be in front of the TV with your feet up. (Trade secret: Sportswriters covering golf events rarely set foot on the course on Sunday afternoons.) You won’t need to worry about traffic, shuttle buses, or overpriced soggy sandwiches. And you won’t miss a single important shot.
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Q
WHILE WATCHING TV, I SAW AN ITEM THAT CLAIMED SAM SNEAD HAD ONCE SHOT 59 IN A TOURNAMENT. IF THIS IS SO, THEN WHY ISN’T HE “MR. 59,” INSTEAD OF AL GEIBERGER?
— Joe White, Pasadena, Texas
A It’s golf’s four-minute mile, and you’re right: Sam was the first to do it, in the Greenbrier Open in — what else — 1959. The scorecard is on display in the clubhouse. But Al Geiberger was the first to shoot 59 in a bona fide PGA Tour event, at a soggy, 7,249-yard Colonial Country Club in the 1977 Memphis Classic. Only two others have since matched that feat — Chip Beck in 1991 and David Duval in 1999. Annika Sorenstam did it, too, on the LPGA Tour in 2001.
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— Chris Hunter, San Diego, California
A A typical tour swing rips through the ball at 115 MPH. Former long-drive champion Jason Zuback’s swing is 140 MPH; the average golfer’s is 90 MPH. The ball will leave a long hitter’s clubface at 200 MPH, which easily exceeds the fastest recorded tennis serve of 153 MPH (by Roscoe Tanner) and is on a par with jai-alai, often called the fastest game in the world.
Speed is considered a great virtue in today’s fast-paced world, and we marvel at such things as the world speed record by skateboard (63 MPH), bobsled (105MPH), skis (154MPH), bicycle (167MPH), train (320MPH), and car (763MPH). For so many activities, of course, it’s much better to be a tortoise than a hare, but if golf could figure out its slow-play problem, it would be a better game. The unofficial mascot of the PGA Tour might be the South American three-toed sloth, Bradypus tridactylus, the slowest mammal on earth. When it’s really cruising, downhill, with a fair wind at its back, the sloth can get up to about 0.17 MPH.
OF ALL THE PGA TOUR CADDIES, WHO IS THE BEST GOLFER? DO TOUR PLAYERS PLAY ROUNDS WITH THEIR CADDIES? DOES STEVE WILLIAMS EVER PLAY WITH TIGER WOODS?
— Steve Schuh, Canon City, Colorado
A They used to say that to be a good caddie, you need to do just three things: show up, keep up, and shut up. That’s not enough on tour. These guys have to play the role of friend, porter, bodyguard, media coordinator, dietitian, swing doctor, grief counselor, whipping boy, and comfort blanket. When their boss says, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” none of them ever says: “Eventually.”
A lot of them are excellent golfers, too. Some, such as Paul Tesori (Vijay Singh) and Lance Ten Broeck (Jesper Parnevik) are former tour players. When a caddie and his boss are buddies, such as Jim (“Bones”) Mackay and Phil Mickelson, they sometimes play together. Steve Williams, once a 2-handicapper, is said to be an infrequent player these days; he prefers racing Mustangs. One tip from tour caddies to the average hacker: Take more club from the fairway — and less from the rough.
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Q
CAN YOU TELL ME HOW THE PAIRINGS ARE DECIDED FOR PLAY OVER THE FIRST 36 HOLES OF A PGA TOUR EVENT?
— Sam Daniele, Wappingers Falls, New York
A According to my friends at the PGA Tour, players are divided into four categories and paired with someone in their own category for the first two days. The first category consists of tournament winners from the last two years and major championship winners from the last five years, tour life members, and top-25 career money winners. The second category contains tournament winners outside the last two years. The third category comprises players with a certain amount in career earnings, or a top-50 position in the world rankings. And the last category is everyone else.
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Q
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GOLFING PRODIGY BEVERLY KLASS, THE YOUNGEST PLAYER TO ENTER THE U.S. WOMEN’S OPEN?
— Mike Chihutski, Richmond, California
ALong before there was Michelle Wie, there was Beverly Klass. She was nine when she turned pro — courtesy of an abusive father — and ten when she played in the Open. Then the LPGA Tour banned players under 18 years old, and Klass went back to her troubled childhood. Four decades later — including 13 seasons on tour as an adult in which her best finish was second — she’s a teaching pro in Florida. As for Wie, she turned pro six days before her sixteenth birthday and was instantly worth millions. This might be all well and good. Such early fame and fortune doesn’t have to lead to burnout, drugs, and shocking revelations. These too-much-too-young teen queens just need the time and space to become not only rich and successful, but something more important: human beings.
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Q
COULD THE DECLINE OF THE UNITED STATES IN THE RYDER CUP BE RELATED TO THE PRESIDENTS CUP? THE U.S. PLAYERS MUST GET UP FOR THESE EVENTS EVERY YEAR. THE EUROPEANS HAVE TWO YEARS.
— Dan Johnson, Hamilton, Ontario
A The Europeans won three Ryder Cups in a row between 2002 and 2006, and five out of six. There is a multitude of theories for such one-sidedness, but I don’t give yours much credence: A year is a long time, and anyway the pros should be able to “get up” every time they play. (Plus, the Presidents Cup is but a pointless exhibition. Whoever heard of a team called “the rest of the world except Europe”?) Other theories on the calamity at the K Club in 2006 involve too many pampered millionaires, a homogenized PGA Tour that breeds mediocrity, Americans’ overinflated sense of superiority, the effect of Tiger on his own team, and even jet lag. (The Golf Guru always finds it tougher flying west to east than east to west.) But in truth, the American team and its captain, Tom Lehman, did nothing much wrong. The Europeans — some of whom, incidentally, are also pampered millionaires — weren’t necessarily better players, but, by some kind of magic Irish spell, they played out of their minds. In a sport of lone rangers, they managed to put aside their egos and live, breathe, and play together as a magnificent team. As the saying goes: “Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”
Guru Update: Since this was written, the U.S. team magnificently came together as a truly mighty ocean to win the 2008 Ryder Cup at Valhalla in Kentucky with some stunning golf and a great team spirit. The Ryder Cup lives on.
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Q
MY MONDAY MORNING GOLFING FRIENDS, MISERABLE HACKERS ALL, CLAIM THAT THE DRAW IS THE PREFERRED SHOT OF THE TOURING PROS BECAUSE IT GIVES EXTRA DISTANCE. I MAINTAIN THAT THEY PREFER THE FADE, FOR GREATER CONTROL. WHICH IS IT?
— Fred Husak, Scottdale, Pennsylvania
A Tour pros are a different species. They fight a hook; we fight a slice. Ben Hogan developed his Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf to combat his natural tendency — a vicious right-to-lefter. Nicklaus played a fade; Mickelson does, too. It might be true that the draw is macho, exciting, and vacations in Miami Beach, whereas the fade is weak, possibly vegetarian, and prefers the Poconos. But the scorecard only cares about the score.
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Q
PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW THE WORLD GOLF RANKING IS DETERMINED. IF THIS IS A SECRET THAT ONLY A FEW INSIDERS ARE PRIVY TO AND YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER IF YOU TELL, THEN ERR ON THE SIDE OF PERSONAL SAFETY. IF YOU DON’T KNOW, THEN THAT’S OKAY, TOO.
— Mike Clayton, Monticello, Florida
A You play in an official tournament on one of the world’s major pro tours. Depending on where you finish, the strength of the field, and the status of the tournament, you earn points for your week’s work. The official World Golf Ranking is the average number of points earned per event during the previous two years, except that points are weighted toward current form, declining gradually over the two-year period. There’s a little more to it than that — send me an unmarked envelope filled with used banknotes, and I’ll spill the beans — but you get the gist.
As with any ranking, it’s only as good as its methodology (some would say there are lies, damn lies, statistics, rankings, and, finally, magazine rankings). The Golf Guru tends to treat all such fuzzy math in the same way one should treat weather forecasts, politicians’ promises, infomercials, and horoscopes — with great skepticism. But that’s just me. Skepticism is typical of us Geminis.
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Q
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE ONE OF THE WORLD’S BEST GOLFERS? WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?
— Mike Rivera, Los Angeles, California
A There’s a common viewpoint, frequently stated, that if you want something enough, and work at it hard enough, you will get it. News flash: This is a lie, propagated by successful people who don’t want to admit that their success is more to do with luck and circumstance.
The Golf Guru might fervently wish to be an Olympic sprinter, or to be married to Natalie Portman, but chasing these dreams will only lead to bad knees and a restraining order. To be a top tour pro you need great genes (an accident of nature) and a youthful addiction to golf (an accident of nurture).
Personality plays an important role, too. We mammals come in four types: lone hunters, pack hunters, herds, and scavengers. Golf seems to favor the lone hunter, men like Vijay Singh and Tiger Woods. Tough guys. Stick any of ’em on a desert island for ten years — he’d be fine. Team sports favor pack hunters. The herds? They’re the fans who make the circus happen. And the scavengers? Why, us wretches in the press corps, of course.
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