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If I were a mother, I wouldn’t have considered this haunted house as a family-friendly option. Never mind the gangsters loitering around inside. That was bad enough, but a hooker on the corner of Main Street and Wasteland Boulevard?
Too much.
The haunted garden was adjacent to the front porch and I had an easy shot at watching Ida Belle and Walter. He arrived late which apparently irked Ida Belle. They’d shared a friendly wave of insults and banter before he apologized and kissed her cheek. After that, all seemed well and perfect, at least on their corner.
Since Gomer wanted them to hang out in the gravel area, Walter assisted Ida Belle as she attempted to walk around in her boots. When a driver asked for directions, he let her go and she immediately sank to the ground. She regained her footing and fell again.
I started that way, but she waved and shouted something like, “I’m fine!”
As long as Walter remained nearby, I didn’t doubt it.
What wasn’t ‘fine’ was our obvious disadvantage. If we were ambushed here, we’d feel the weight of our costume mistakes. At the very least, we should’ve worn sneakers.
We were five minutes away from the doors opening so I made my way to the haunted funeral parlor. As soon as I entered, the creepy sounds of an out-of-tune keyboard filled the room.
A tall man dressed in a black cape approached. “Are you here to make your final arrangements?”
“No,” I quickly replied. “I’m checking on a friend to make sure she doesn’t check out while pretending to be dead.”
“Ah,” he said. “She’s in the coffin already.”
I made my way to the casket as quickly as I could and lifted the lid.
Staring up at me was a snow-white dough boy with a blue collar around the neck. She slowly rose.
“Gertie?”
“Haunted house!”
I lifted the head piece. “Are you okay?”
She blinked. “Of course I am, but what should I say after I throw the casket open? Trick or treat? Haunted house? Back to life?”
“Back to life sounds good,” I said. “If those are the only choices.”
“I’ll think of something,” she said. “Oh, check the side of the coffin. I forgot to give you my iPad.”
“Why do I need one?”
“In case you need to say something Southern, of course. I’ve already loaded the app Southern Lady Speak. If in doubt about anything, just ask Sweet Belle.” She waited a beat. “It also has a video call option. You can call Carter or Sheriff Lee if there’s an emergency.”
She revealed her truest motive for having an electronic device, but the latter wasn’t an option. Sheriff Lee might be able to show up for service over in Sinful, but his burro wouldn’t carry him all the way to Wasteland.
“I’ll just wing it,” I said, stuffing my free arm back in the green shell bodice.
“Suit yourself, but remember, we’re representing Gomer tonight. We want to do a good job. We’ve seen what happens when this town is devoid of a Hollowman presence.”
“Got it!” I gave her a thumb’s up and resisted the urge to ask when the town had been devoid of Gomer Hollowman. Prior to this project, he’d seldom left his front porch.
“All right. Here we go.” She leaned back on the pillows. “And Ida Belle was right. I like the open casket a little better than the closed one.”
“I’m with you. By the way, when you take a break, check out Walter and Ida Belle. They’re on the corner opposite of the billboard.”
Gertie sat upright again. “What’s the billboard say?”
“Welcome to Wasteland, home of millionaire single girl-dad Gomer Hollowman.”
“That’s it?” Gertie asked, disappointed.
“I was bummed, too.”
“He’ll be married before the year ends.” She waited a beat. “By the way, are they handing out raffle tickets for prizes?”
“Yes, but I’m not sure what Gomer is giving away.” I blanched. “Some of the cars are speeding into the parking lot and bypassing Walter and Ida Belle so they probably still have their tickets.”
“Those are the ones we need! They’re for Francine’s banana pudding.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, already turning to leave. “Ally didn’t mention it.”
“Gomer paid her to provide enough for a hundred people and they’re already down to fifty.” Gertie’s voice remained muffled, but she was as excited as the kids waiting in line. “Oh and don’t worry about Ida Belle and Walter. The cars are driving by them because the parents are trying to put as much distance between their families and the hooker and john. That’s why Ida Belle wanted the costume. She knew the kids would be whining as they waited their turn in line. This way, she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with them.”
Why didn’t I think of that?