Between the busiest time of year at school and my promise to myself to not throw myself at Dan, I hadn’t seen the man in three weeks.
I should have been happy that there was some separation between us.
But I wasn’t.
At all.
Not seeing Dan, one of my closest friends, especially after spending so much time with him, felt like I was wading through my days.
It was no surprise I regretted pulling away in the first place, but since he’d ended up helping with the firepit over the September break, I’d sort of pushed my original promise aside. We’d easily fallen back into hanging out, our routine of seeing each other practically every day no hardship.
But since then, nothing.
I’d given in last weekend to see if he wanted to come for a fish, but he’d said he already had plans. Since Craig had gone fishing with me, my imagination had taken on a mind of its own, wondering if he’d gone on a date. I’d even asked Craig what Dan was up to, and he’d shrugged noncommittally, which soured my mood something fierce.
The whole situation was pissing me off and getting me down.
Feeling needy was not a look I wore well. I hated it, in fact.
Needing a distraction, I went in search of Alec. The school day hadn’t long finished, so I hoped he was still in the PE office and hadn’t left. The department was notorious for never answering their phone, so I didn’t waste my time getting someone to pick up.
The sound of a ball slapping against the floor greeted me as I stepped into the large sports hall. Alec dribbled a basketball, moved a few paces, and took a shot. It sank in without touching the sides.
“Whoop!” I hollered.
His head flicked in my direction, and he grinned. “Coming to work up a sweat?”
The wrinkling of my nose was automatic. Sports and I were not friends. “That’d be a hard pass.”
“What? You want a hard pass… of this ball?”
“I’d prefer a beer.”
He stopped bouncing the ball immediately and bobbed his head. “A beer is a good alternative. You wanna meet me there or wait for me? I need maybe ten minutes.”
“I can wait. I need to turn the computers off in the library.”
“Sweet,” he said, releasing the ball and sinking it.
“Leave the ball here!” I called out as I turned to leave.
“I bet that’s not what you usually say to the guys!”
My chuckle joined his own as I headed back to the library.
Twenty minutes later, we were armed with drinks and seated in a quieter section of the pub. It wasn’t busy, since it was a Tuesday.
Quiet country music played in the background but was inoffensive enough to almost blend in with the clink of glasses and low chatter.
Ben, the owner, looked to be stocking the spirits, while his wife, Lynnie, chatted to a couple of women. The other handful of patrons were keeping to themselves. It was one of the reasons why I liked this place so much. It was friendly without people being all up in your business.
“You had a decent day?”
“Yeah, not too bad,” I answered. “Same old, you know? Busy with sorting all of the assignments.”
“Urgh. Don’t remind me. Scanning all of this shit in to send off to the exam board is a ball ache. I can’t wait till it’s all done and the countdown to the summer holiday is on.”
“Not long and Year 12s will be out of here.”
Relief flooded Alec’s features. “I can’t wait. They’re all so bloody stressed, and we’re all under the pump. Poor buggers.”
He wasn’t wrong.
The summer holidays would be with us before we knew it. At least come Christmas, I’d actually get to spend some time with Dan, I thought humourlessly. He’d already agreed, and I couldn’t see him changing his mind. “You made plans for Christmas?”
“Bali for five weeks.”
My brows shot up. “And I’m only hearing about this now?”
Alec chortled. “Literally just sorted it this weekend. Trevor talked me into it.”
Understanding registered. I’d met his younger brother a couple of times when he’d visited town. He was a force of nature and seemed to talk Alec into a lot of things. “Brilliant. Just the two of you?”
“Mainly.” He took a swig of his drink and then exhaled heavily enough it caught my attention. “A couple of his friends are flying out for, I think, one week. And Mum and Dad are going to be over for Christmas, maybe the New Year.”
I squinted a little in his direction, trying to get a better read on his reaction. Coming up short, I said, “You make it sound like that’s an issue.”
The curious flush in his cheeks got my attention.
“Spit it out.”
He fidgeted a little, something I’d never seen him do before. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, he said, “One of his friends has a bit of a thing for me.”
Somehow I held back my snort, immediately making the comparison with me having a thing for one of my friends.
“And you don’t like her?”
“Him.”
My brows lifted. “Huh. And he knows you’re straight?” I tilted my head, curiosity burning through me.
“Yeah, he knows, and he’s a good guy. I just feel awkward.”
I frowned. “Because he’s a man?”
He shook his head, gaze locking on mine. “It’s not even that. It’s that I like him… as a friend,” he clarified. “But hanging out with him makes me feel like shit because I’m worried about leading him on.”
Warmth filled my heart to such an extreme, I was sure it’d burst.
“Fuck, you’re a good guy.”
A sheepish smile lifted his lips, and he shrugged. “I try.” The follow-up wink he sent me eased the seriousness of the moment, and I chuckled.
The story he shared was so similar to my own that it made me pause.
Did Dan know how I felt about him and had tried to let me down gently? “Holy shit,” I said aloud.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just thought of something I forgot to do,” I bullshitted. My brain fired all over the place. When Dan had told me dating friends was a lesson learned, he’d been doing it then—letting me down gently—followed by distancing himself the past few weeks.
“You know, you’re a bloody genius at times,” I said, feeling better that understanding finally was in my grasp. While it did nothing to ease my mortification and the hurt bubbling in my gut, at least now I knew what was likely going through Dan’s mind.
Why he’d distanced himself.
The knowledge meant I could focus on being his friend and finding ways to reassure him that his friendship was more important than anything else between us.
I forced my heart into a box, padlocking it up tight, and promised myself there’d be a time I’d let it out again. But for now, reconnecting with Dan as friends would be my new mission.
“I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Armed with takeout from the Thai place we’d eaten at a while back, I stood at Dan’s door, wafting the bag in front of me so he’d be hit with the delicious scent.
“And why would I say no if you’ve brought me food?” He quirked his brow at me and directed at me that familiar grin that made my knees weak.
“Uh-huh.” It was all I offered, knowing we were as bad as each other, dancing around my feelings for him. It was time we stopped. I missed him too much to give him up.
He stepped to the side, letting me in. “You want beer?”
“That’d be great.” I’d have just the one with my meal, meaning I’d be fine to drive home. Tonight was about reconnecting and setting the record straight. I balked at my thoughts, calling bullshit, as there wasn’t a chance I’d be laying my feelings bare before him—especially as I expected it was my feelings that had made him run in the first place.
With that in mind, tonight’s mission was reaffirming we were friends and securing that friendship with him was doable and important.
Perhaps my New Year’s resolution could be to move on—but meaning it this time. That would give me a few weeks to let go properly and commit.
“So what brought this on?” Dan asked as he tugged out a couple of plates while I collected the utensils.
I sat down and started divvying up the food. “It feels like forever since we caught up. Just making sure you’re still here and haven’t done a runner back to Brissy or something.”
He angled to look at me as I spoke, his eyes guarded, though I could have easily been interpreting reactions that weren’t there. “No chance of that,” he said after a beat.
“Good job too. Craig wouldn’t take too much convincing to hold you hostage, perhaps sabotage your ute or something.” I kept my tone light, just as it ought to be, focusing on setting the tone for how our friendship always had been.
His light snort as he picked up a forkful of food eased some of the ache in my chest.
“Craig doesn’t seem to need much convincing about anything.”
“You see what happens when you’re not around? He needs retraining and reining in,” I joked.
His lips twitched before he took a mouthful of food. The hum of appreciation was difficult to ignore, the sound joyous and seductive. I urged the throb in my pants to go away, pleading with it to calm down, reminding myself that friends didn’t get a twinge from friends making happy sounds.
“Thanks for this,” he said after we ate in silence. “I was still contemplating what to cook.”
“No worries.” I offered a casual shrug. “You been busy today?”
“A little. I went round Mum and Dad’s this morning and ran the mower around.”
“They have grass?” My brows jolted skyward, genuinely surprised. Most of town and the neighbouring properties surrounding it were dry. There were still occasional hints of green closer to the drying creeks, but I’d seen several veils of dust created by a couple of houses I’d passed by attempting to mow.
“Yeah, but only because it’s been five weeks since it was last mowed. I can’t imagine it needing cutting again until the rain comes.”
“Craig said you’re all on bushfire watch.” Worry gnawed at me and had done since Craig told me there’d been an alert change. It didn’t help that there’d been a couple of news reports early last week about localised bushfires in north New South Wales. While that was several hours away, any mention of fires on the east coast always had the same effect on me.
“Yeah. I headed to the station earlier just to do a check of equipment.”
I willed the thumping of my heart to settle, knowing I was overreacting. But I was more than aware that Dan hadn’t tackled a fire since re-joining the rural fire brigade. It didn’t matter that he had when he was younger. Lots of years had passed by since then.
“You okay about it all?” When his brows furrowed, I clarified, “If you’re called out. I know it’s been some time.”
The smile he sent my way made my heart flip. I sighed inwardly, frustrated I couldn’t control my feelings. It just made me more determined to ensure outwardly, I was nothing but friendly, with no love-heart eyes in sight. Nor a hard-on that would give me away.
“Yeah. I know it’s been a few years, but not a lot has changed. Those four years I did before I left for Brissy left their mark. And I like to think now I’m not quite as gung-ho.”
I chuckled. “Well, that’s a relief. You don’t need to go all Rambo on a job.”
“Not even if a red bandana would look awesome?”
“Even then.” I punctuated my words with an eye-roll.
“Speaking of Rambo, you wanna watch a movie or something? Finish this in the sitting room?” He gestured towards the beer and half-eaten food.
“Sure. I think the latest Rambo movie is on Netflix, maybe. If not one of the other million apps you pay for.”
His laughter was loud. “Right. I was determined not to get trapped with a Foxtel subscription or bill, yet I now pay for at least six TV apps.”
“Tell me about it. I keep going to cancel a couple and then get dragged into a new TV show.”
“Hook, line, and sinker, right?”
“Yes! I’m sure they all add up to more than bloody Foxtel now,” I grumbled, carrying my food and drink into the sitting room.
“The hardships of life, huh!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m a terrible person.” I pulled a face at him, earning me a laugh.
We settled down, and Dan searched for the latest Rambo movie. I relaxed against the comfortable cushion and smiled. While I hadn’t perfected my reaction or my longing quite yet, this—the hanging out, the chilling—I could do.
Connecting with Dan was worth the discomfort of keeping my feelings buried, and I could still make that commitment for a New Year’s resolution.
I could definitely do this.