Appendix 
Appendix AL: I mentioned Genesis 2:24–25 earlier in this book and called attention to the fact that it points us to what I call the four pillars of an ideal marriage: severance, unity, permanence, and intimacy. Another Scripture passage I believe is equally important is Ephesians 5:21–33, and it contains two of the best secrets I know for a happy marriage. What are they? To be lovable and respectable.
I want to call your attention to two specific verses in Ephesians 5:21–33. First, notice that verses 22–24 say, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
Then verse 25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” And verse 28 says, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.”
If wives are to respect their husbands, then husbands need to be respectable. If husbands are to love their wives, then wives need to be lovable. Pretty simple—at least in theory. But how do husbands become respectable and wives become lovable in practical ways?
I could hardly believe what I saw when I read Job 31:1–30 with the aim of learning to be more respectable. This rarely cited passage is full of insights and teaching that will help a man become a more respectable husband. Because the text is lengthy, I encourage you to read it for yourself in your own Bible or online. For our purposes here, let me highlight seven principles of respectability for you.
1. Protect your eyes and your mind. I cannot overemphasize the importance of being very careful about what you watch and look at and about what you think about. Job says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (verse 1, NIV).
2. Walk in honesty. Throughout this book, the consequences of secrets and dishonesty have been clear. Honesty is nonnegotiable for a happy marriage. Job 31:5–6 says, “If I have walked in falsehood or my foot has hurried after deceit—let God weigh me in honest scales and he will know that I am blameless” (NIV).
3. Protect faithfulness. The marriage relationship is protected and sustained by faithfulness. Lisa and I could have been spared so much heartache had unfaithfulness never entered our lives. Job says, “If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door, then may my wife grind another man’s grain, and may other men sleep with her” (verses 9–10, NIV).
4. Treat others respectfully. Job offers a great foundation for respecting others when he asks some important questions in verses 13–15: “If I have denied justice to my menservants and maidservants when they had a grievance against me, what will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account? Did not he who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same one form us both within our mothers?” (NIV). If you want to be a respectable person, always remember that no one is higher or better than anyone else. God made us all!
5. Display consistent generosity. In the midst of a discourse on things he considers negative, Job says, “If I have denied the desires of the poor or let the eyes of the widow grow weary, if I have kept my bread to myself, not sharing it with the fatherless . . . then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint” (verses 16–17 and 22, NIV). I agree with Job. Being selfish is negative, and it can be devastating to a marriage. I am thankful to have been raised by loving, generous people and to have been surrounded by generosity all of my life. Be generous to your spouse first and then to others. That’s a great way to live a blessed life.
6. Encourage contentment and refuse to be greedy. People in Job’s day struggled just as much as people today with the love of money and with finding security in possessions or finances. Job says, “If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, ‘You are my security’ . . . then these also would be sins to be judged, for I would have been unfaithful to God on high (verses 24 and 28, NIV). Greed is like selfishness, and it will also destroy a marriage relationship. In 1 Timothy 6:6, Paul writes, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” In other words, do you want to do something great for your marriage and yourself? Follow God and be content.
7. Be forgiving instead of vengeful. Job says, “I have not allowed my mouth to sin by invoking a curse against [my enemy’s] life” (verse 30, NIV). I have had to learn a lot of lessons about being a forgiving person—not only by not speaking against people who have done me wrong, but by not allowing my heart to hold grudges or fall into bitterness. I will admit that it’s not easy. Sometimes it’s very painful. But it’s worth it.
LISA: Proverbs 31 is often used to describe a godly woman, but I like to call it “the lovability text.” If we look closely at its principles, we see seven ways to become wives who are easy for our husbands to love.
1. Build confidence in your husband. When Proverbs 31 describes a godly wife, verse 11 says: “Her husband has full confidence in her” (NIV). I am grateful to be able to say that Al has full confidence in me now, but there were years in our marriage when I gave him no reason at all to be confident in me. In fact, my decisions broke down his confidence in me. If you want to build a happy marriage, give your husband every reason to trust you and be confident in you, then help him build confidence in himself by praising and encouraging him.
2. Bring good, not harm. As a godly wife relates to her husband, “she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (verse 12, NIV). I have firsthand experience with bringing harm to my husband, but those days are over. Now I do everything within my power to bring good to Al in every possible way, even if I have to sacrifice something I want. Wives who bring harm to their husbands can end up destroying marriages and families, so be committed to bringing positive experiences first to your husband and then to everyone else around you.
3. Work to strengthen your household. Let’s face it. Running a household and raising a family sometimes feels like running a multinational corporation. There’s a lot to it! But Proverbs 31:13 says a godly wife “works with eager hands” (NIV). In other words, she embraces the opportunity to bless those in her household, not passing off responsibilities but working hard to keep the household peaceful and pleasant.
4. Manage your family well. The Proverbs 31 woman “gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family” (verse 15, NIV). While this verse is certainly true literally at times, it also represents a woman who is sacrificial in her love and care for her family. Whatever they need, she bends over backward to provide.
5. Extend compassion. Being a busy wife and mother sometimes seems to require all of our physical and emotional resources, but we need to step outside our own familiar circles at times and remember people in need. Proverbs 31:20 describes an excellent wife as one who “opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy” (verse 20, NIV). Extending this kind of compassion not only assists those in need, it also helps us remember how blessed we are.
6. Maintain a sense of humor. Proverbs 31:25 says a godly woman “can laugh at the days to come” (NIV), and Proverbs 17:22 says, “A merry heart does good, like medicine.” In other words, lightheartedness and a good sense of humor will go a long way in a relationship. I have never met a man who likes a nagging, complaining wife who speaks negatively all the time. If you’ll be cheerful and find the humor in as many things as possible, that positive attitude will have a beneficial effect on your husband and your home.
7. Fear the Lord. Proverbs 31 begins to bring its description of a godly wife to a close with these words: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (NIV). There is no substitute for fearing (giving awesome reverence and respect to) the Lord and for allowing Him to lead you in your relationship with your husband. Had I feared the Lord at various critical moments in my life, I would have made much better decisions and spared myself and others much pain. But I did not know that then. I do know it now, and I also know that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7). I cannot imagine a husband who would not treasure, admire, and cherish a wise, God-fearing wife!
AL: The apostle Paul offers Christians great advice on all kinds of situations. Lisa and I believe that his words in Philippians 2:1–5 provide some of the best guidelines for marriage we have ever seen. We do our very best to live by these words every day, and we pray you will too. If husbands and wives can relate to each other according to these instructions, they will lay a foundation for a happy marriage characterized by love and respect.
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.