LISA: I first shared my story of abuse with national and international audiences in the book The Women of Duck Commander and was overwhelmed by the large number of women who contacted me to say that they too had been sexually abused and to thank me for being bold enough to go public with such an intimate story. Somehow, knowing about my journey helped them feel less alone and gave them courage to believe they could heal, and that has made my choice to bring a very painful, very personal situation out into the open worth making.
When a news website featured the abuse aspect of my story, one reader commented that he thought I shared about the abuse as an excuse for bad decisions I made as an adult, which I will write about later in this book. My response to that is this: Things happen to people. Sometimes those things are very bad and they do great damage, to the point of influencing a person’s life in the most negative ways for years after they take place. The fact is, those things often become the root systems of future choices and behaviors. Generally speaking, they are not excuses; they are reasons. They don’t justify bad choices. Instead, they explain why people are often unable to make good decisions.
As a child, while the abuse was taking place, and as a teenager, after I confronted my abuser, I never had a chance to get the help I needed. I was not old enough to understand how traumatic it was emotionally and mentally or how devastating it would be to my future relationships. The lingering effects of the abuse would haunt me for years because I did not know how to deal with them or where to turn for help.
The fact is, bad things that happen to us often become the root systems of future choices and behaviors.
The things that happen to us—especially things that have powerful emotional consequences such as fear or shame—don’t just go away, nor does their influence on our thoughts and behavior diminish as we get older. No, the things that happen to us matter; they can affect us for the rest of our lives, sometimes severely. In the wake of trauma such as sexual abuse or other incidents, people often lose or confuse their sense of purpose. When people have been deeply hurt, they may be able to function on some level, but they end up dysfunctional in other ways. Eventually, those unhealed wounds in the soul lead them to do something that makes them wonder, How did I end up like this? They do things they don’t understand, and often, because their traumas are shrouded in secrecy, people close to them don’t understand either. They feel a distance between themselves and other people and between themselves and God—and they cannot figure out why. The isolation and alienation they feel gets worse and worse. I first learned these things because I lived them and because I watched my sister die from them—in a way—on August 17, 2008.
I am now 100 percent convinced that my sister’s drinking problems began with the sexual abuse she suffered. Some people may have thought she was just “wild,” but that was not the whole truth. Barbara drank because she had been violated at a young age and did not know how to process what had happened to her. She did not know how to cope with it or how to begin to heal, but she could not live with the pain of it, so she used alcohol as a means of relief and escape.
The tragic difference between Barbara and me is that she died before she had a chance to be healed. The impact of her past ultimately led her to a battle with alcoholism that she could not win. I still miss her and long to share my healing with her.
Barbara’s daughter, Whitnee, now has three daughters with her husband, Paul Bass, and they live in West Monroe. I am thankful that they live near us and that we can see each other as often as we do. Barbara also had a son, Logan, who passed away on September 28, 2008, after a motorcycle accident. Barbara’s husband, Bill Wilson, and his wife, Carol, live in Alabama, and I stay in touch with them as much as possible.
My life has turned out differently from Barbara’s, thanks to the grace of God. It’s also turned out differently because of a cute boy I met when I was in the sixth grade, a guy I will write about in the next chapter and love for the rest of my life. He and his family have loved me in the most amazing ways, and that has been vital to the healing and restoration God has brought to me.
Today, I am thankful that the wall of shame so many abuse victims feel they must hide behind is coming down. Churches now offer programs to help people heal, and entire ministries are devoted to helping people find redemption from the very things Barbara and I—and maybe even you—have endured. I urge you: If you have suffered any kind of trauma, especially as a child, get help from a qualified, credentialed therapist or minister. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen anymore. The journey to healing is not easy, but it’s worth it—and it can happen in your life.