LISA: What a mess I was after Al broke up with me in such a passive, nonconfrontational way. I was faced with the truth that he was no longer interested when he didn’t show up to see me when I visited New Orleans with his family. I now realize that my devastation was so severe because, as I mentioned before, I worshipped Al. I didn’t just lose my boyfriend. I lost my god, and I could not deal with that. I felt empty, aimless, and completely void of any purpose in life.
I had no idea that I could have used that time in my life to step back, look for God, and discover my own sense of identity. All I knew was that I had lost the one person who mattered most to me. The emptiness inside me seemed to scream nonstop for something to fill it. The only way I knew to satisfy that longing was to find another guy.
I know now that the gaping, aching hole inside of me could only have been filled through a relationship with God. Had I chosen to pursue Him, I would have been spared much heartache in my own life and wouldn’t have brought such heartache to the lives of people I loved. Unfortunately, I did not make that choice. As I will explain in later chapters, I did not enter into a life-changing relationship with God until I went through at least two more situations in which I made bad decisions that caused pain for me and for the people around me.
When I look back now at those months and years after Al and I broke up, one of my biggest regrets is not seeking God’s help when I was so upset over losing him. Another huge regret is not learning to forgive myself sooner for the abortion. I suffered over it for years, haunted with feelings of guilt and shame I could not shake, no matter how hard I tried.
I cannot overemphasize the importance of learning to forgive yourself for the things that pile guilt and condemnation on you. Whether it’s an abortion, an addiction, a way in which you have hurt or damaged another person, or something else, the only way to move beyond it is to forgive yourself. Otherwise, you will stay trapped in negative feelings and you may even sabotage the blessings or successes that seem possible in your life.
I have spent time with many young women who have been molested, had abortions, and been through other types of trauma and shame. Lots of them tell me they simply cannot get over what happened to them. Without sounding harsh, I try to help them realize that saying they cannot move beyond it is the same as saying that Jesus did not do enough for them, that something about His death on the cross is insufficient. And that’s just not true. His work at Calvary is more than adequate to heal anything we have done to ourselves or that anyone has done to us.
I often ask people who struggle to forgive themselves, “If Jesus can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?” That usually makes people think. I will do anything in my power to help people forgive themselves because I know we cannot live as victims. If we want to enjoy our lives, have great relationships, and fulfill the great purposes we are created for, we have to live victoriously in Christ. This is not always easy, and most of the time it’s a long journey—sometimes two steps forward and three steps backward—but it’s worth it.
Saying we cannot move beyond something is the same as saying that Jesus did not do enough for us, that something about His death on the cross is insufficient.
I am living proof that people can forgive themselves. It’s pretty much impossible in one’s human strength, but once a person is in a relationship with Jesus Christ, the grace to forgive is available. I like to tell people they can always come home to Christ.
No matter what you have done, He is big enough to heal it. You can do a lot that’s bad (and trust me, I know about this firsthand), but you can’t do anything so bad that He will turn His back on you if you are genuinely sorry and ask for His help and forgiveness. His love completely overwhelms any mistake, any bad decision, and any sin.
People who refuse to forgive themselves give Satan a little piece of their hearts. There is absolutely nothing noble about trying to punish ourselves for our sin. Jesus took our punishment, so everything is paid for. No matter what you have done—even if it’s something that happened years ago—I want to encourage you today with these words: The sacrifice of Christ is enough. It’s enough to heal you, set you free, restore and redeem your life, and move you toward a greater purpose and destiny than you ever dreamed possible.
My mother-in-law, Miss Kay, is a wise woman. People who only know about her through Duck Dynasty may not realize that she is an amazing encourager and that she has a gift for helping people who are struggling through difficult situations. When people talk to her about not being able to forgive themselves, she offers seven simple but powerful words of advice: “Confess it. Own it. And move on.” In other words, admit your sin to God and receive His forgiveness, then forgive yourself and get busy living. Life is too short to suffer every day over something God is willing to forgive. So forgive yourself—no matter what you’ve done—and get on with the good life God has for you!