LISA: To say the least, Anna’s premature birth was a frightening experience for me as a new mother. With all the uncertainty surrounding whether or not she would live, plus raging postpregnancy hormones, I was a mess. But I also had another problem, which I wrestled with for three and a half years—a problem that could have been solved sooner had I simply understood and embraced the love of God.
One of my biggest emotional struggles after Anna’s birth—maybe one of the biggest emotional struggles of my entire life—was wondering if the fact that she came early and had so many problems as a newborn was some kind of punishment for the abortion I had had years previously. People who have never had an abortion may not be able to relate to this feeling, but many women who have undergone that procedure will know exactly what I’m talking about. The guilt and shame that come after an abortion, which the clinics don’t talk about, can be almost unbearable.
In the “Seasoned Reflections” section of chapter 7, I emphasized the importance of being able to forgive ourselves. Here, I want to focus on the importance of receiving forgiveness from God. These two aspects of forgiveness are both necessary in order to heal from any kind of trauma—whether it’s a major loss or disappointment, an addiction or illness, a situation in which we have been victimized, or something else—and move on.
Forgiveness is a thread that is woven through the fabric of most of my life. For almost as long as I can remember, there has been someone or something I needed to forgive, something for which I needed to be forgiven, or someone gracious enough to forgive me. I finally learned that the only way to be free in life is to forgive and let myself be forgiven.
I finally learned that the only way to be free in life is to forgive and let myself be forgiven.
The Bible is clear that being unwilling to forgive is a sin, while willingness to give and receive forgiveness is a blessing. Jesus says in Matthew 6:14–15: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NIV 2011). Once we ask for God’s forgiveness, we can be sure He will give it. In Psalm 51:7–9, David prays to the Lord in repentance for his sin with Bathsheba and says, “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy and gladness, that the bones You have broken may rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.”
As long as I lived in fear that the challenges Anna faced as a newborn were related to my previous sin, I suffered unnecessarily. Once I learned how completely God had forgiven me, I finally reached a place of peace. God has not only forgiven me; He does not even remember my sin anymore. Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us,” and in Jeremiah 31:34, God Himself says, “I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” No matter who you are or what you have done, the same can be true for you if you will ask Him to forgive you and then receive the forgiveness He freely offers.
AL: When I teach or preach on marriage, I talk about God’s plan for the ideal marriage, which I mentioned earlier in the book, but I also talk about what I call “real marriage.” In other words, there comes a time for every couple when reality sets in. Sometimes it does more than just “set in.” It hits hard. I’m talking about much more than feeling like the honeymoon is over, though that’s usually where reality starts. I am talking about real challenges, real problems, and real pain.
All husbands and wives eventually have to wrestle with the “real,” sometimes early in their marriage, as Lisa and I did, and sometimes years later. Sometimes the “real” comes in the form of financial trouble or job loss. Sometimes it’s a health crisis in one partner of the marriage or in a family member. It can be any of a number of situations, but when it hits, people know it. Initially, they may feel completely overwhelmed; then they realize they have to dig deeply into their faith and their love for one another in order to first survive and eventually thrive. This is how we felt when Anna was born. We had to decide whether we would allow fear and uncertainty to swallow us or whether we would rise up with the strength God gave us and trust Him—no matter what.
If reality has hit you hard recently and you are afraid, alone, or confused, let me encourage you to rely on your faith. Trust that God will give you the grace and wisdom you need. Believe that He has good in store for you. Jeremiah 29:11 says: “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” (NIV). Lisa and I found these words to be true in our situation with Anna, and we have found them to be true in many, many circumstances since then. We believe they are true for you.