LISA: After I got involved with the bank investigator, Al and I did everything wrong. We did not call a time-out in our marriage and take time to identify and resolve the problems we faced. Instead, we breathed a sigh of relief that our relationship was not worse than it was. I apologized, and he forgave me because it seemed like the right thing to do, but we were not committed to genuine change. We just kind of moved on.
The problem with moving on was that we were not asking the key question: “Why?”
After several years of working with couples, we now realize that many couples are not willing to look in the mirror and ask the hard questions when there is extreme unhappiness in a relationship. This reminds me of James 1:22–24: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (NIV 2011). We were not really looking and certainly not really doing anything to figure out where our marriage truly was.
The way we dealt with our problems (by choosing not to really deal with them) laid a foundation for a major flaw in our relationship and in my heart. What was that major—and dangerous—flaw? The possibility that I could look to someone other than my husband for what I needed or wanted.
While Al was not aware of what was going on in my situation with the other man, the fact that I got away with that relationship for as long as I did opened my eyes to the idea that I had options. Once that door was open, I had to endure tremendous heartache, fear, and shame before it closed again. Once I agreed with the enemy’s lie that I did not have to take my marriage vows seriously, I did not regain the ability or desire to honor them properly for years. Because Al and I never confronted our issues, I never closed my options. I kept them open unconsciously—until the day the enemy tried to take full advantage of them, and I let him.
The fact that I got away with that relationship for as long as I did opened my eyes to the idea that I had options.
I often tell people, “If you give Satan an inch, he will sure enough take a mile.” We have to realize that we have an enemy, not a little red devil with horns, but a sinister spiritual force determined to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He plants thoughts in our heads, influences our emotions, and weaves destruction in our relationships. As believers, we know that God wins in the end, because 1 John 3:8 says, “For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil.” We can choose every day whether we want to align ourselves with the winning team or whether we will allow the enemy to lead us subtly down a dangerous path. I know what I am talking about. I did this—and I don’t want it to happen to you.
AL: When I share with couples God’s plan for an ideal marriage, which started with Adam and Eve, I can almost read their minds and tell what they are thinking: Of course, Adam and Eve were set up for an ideal marriage! He had a job. He didn’t have a mother-in-law. They had a garden full of food to eat and a nice place to live. She did not have a father or a big brother to compare Adam to, and he did not have to stand in line at the grocery store with magazine-cover models making him think his wife wasn’t pretty enough! No wonder they had an ideal marriage!
The fact is, Adam and Eve’s “ideal” quickly deteriorated into “real” for some of the same reasons marriages become troubled today. All the enemy had to do was tempt Eve to want something more than she already had, and he is still doing that today. Though he started with Eve in the garden, the problem of wanting more is certainly not limited to women. Men are just as guilty, so do not think I am picking on Eve or on women. I am not. Eve just happened to be the one with whom the problem started. I won’t go into detail about Adam’s role in Eve’s sin right now, but I happen to think he contributed to the problem as much or more than she did because he failed to take seriously the leadership role God had given him in their relationship.
Selfishness and greed are two dynamics Lisa and I see at the root of almost every unhappy couple we have ever met. On some level, the reason marriages get into trouble can be traced to one or both spouses wanting more than they have. Someone is dissatisfied and that person eventually starts looking for something to fill the hole in his or her heart. Sometimes, attempts to fill the void seem harmless—a new car, a new outfit, or a nice vacation. But when married people start looking for a new intimate companion, that can ultimately destroy their marriage.
Wanting more is not always negative. For example, it can be good when one spouse wants the other to be more honest or to take more responsibility. But it can be negative, like when one wants to spend more money than the couple has at their disposal or when one wants more freedom instead of growing up and being accountable to the marriage. In Lisa’s and my marriage, she wanted a man who was more supportive of her and more available emotionally than I was. I cannot blame her for that; I admit my studies and ministry opportunities did distract me from my marriage and family. I deeply regret that now, and I have apologized to Lisa for it. Thankfully, she has forgiven me as I have forgiven her for looking outside our marriage to find what she felt was missing. My problem was that I just chose to ignore the way she felt—and that was a huge mistake.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a husband or a wife, if you feel even the slightest interest in looking for “more,” let me urge you to resist the temptation. Have an honest conversation with your spouse, make your needs and desires known, and do your best to work together to reach the level of fulfillment God intends for you to enjoy in marriage.