Chapter 15 
Chapter 15 In my distress I called upon the Lord,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
—PSALM 18:6
LISA: Early Saturday morning before I left home, I went into our backyard, put my face on the ground, and said in total desperation, “God, I can’t get any lower. I have to find some kind of relationship with You.” Even though I had gone to church for years, had attended Bible studies, had hosted gatherings of believers in my home, and was a minister’s wife, I was not really a Christian. I had never surrendered my life to Christ in a sincere, personal way. That morning was the first time I truly sought God. I knew He was the only one who could help me, and I was determined to do whatever it took to build a genuine relationship with Him.
Over the next several days, I thought a lot about my relationship with Al and about why I felt I had to be baptized in order to date him. After the first date we had when he got back from New Orleans, I clearly understood that I was expected to become a Christian if I wanted to be involved with him. In order to gain his approval and the approval of his family, I was baptized. Unfortunately, I did not take Christ into consideration when I made that decision.
Baptism should be an outward expression of an inner surrender to Him and should represent a person’s decision to relate to Him as Lord. I did not do that. Even after I was baptized, I related to Al as my “lord,” meaning I was so in love with him that I worshipped him, as I mentioned earlier. I have heard people jokingly say they “worship” a boyfriend or girlfriend because the infatuation is so great, but I don’t think it’s funny. I know firsthand how much damage out-of-control adoration can do to a relationship. I made that mistake with Al, and it came back to haunt us in the worst kind of way. I was now living with its unbelievable, painful consequences. When I was baptized as a teenager, I did not understand these things. All I knew was that I was madly in love with the man of my dreams. Now, years later, because I had been living a lie, I had devastated that dream man and turned our lives into a nightmare.
I had been around enough Christians at that point to realize that my only hope—the only way to save my marriage and to be saved from myself—was for me to get serious about God. I had also been in church long enough to know what I needed to do, so I did not waste any time doing it. In my heart, that Saturday night after Al asked me to leave our home, I made a sincere commitment to Christ for the very first time.
Paula took me to stay with a longtime friend of ours from church, a single woman named Laura who had a nice extra bedroom in her home. When I went to sleep that night, my heart ached for my family, but I understood why Al asked me to leave. I tossed and turned as I thought about what the next day would bring—the need to face my family and friends at church.
Going to church that next morning was grueling. I truly felt like the woman caught in adultery in the story Jesus tells in John 8:3–11. Walking through the crowd that day, I was deeply ashamed. Some people were so hurt by my actions and so angry with me that I could feel it. I could tell that some people made an effort to avoid me, while others looked at me sympathetically and then glanced at the floor because they did not know what to say. Still others expressed compassion, and I will always be grateful to them. Putting myself among the people at church that morning was a brutal experience, but I had to do it. That “walk of shame” was the beginning of my journey to healing and wholeness.
Going to church that morning was a brutal experience, but I had to do it. That “walk of shame” was the beginning of my journey to healing and wholeness.
The church service was typical—everything I was accustomed to on a Sunday morning, except Al. He normally provided leadership to the service in some way or another, and his absence was especially noticeable that day. Toward the end of the service, our church allows an opportunity for people to walk to the front of the sanctuary for various reasons, such as wanting to share a prayer request with the congregation. I had a prayer request all right, and it was going to be a bombshell.
One of the church leaders stood before the congregation that day as I sat in the front row surrounded by people who loved me and wanted to help me. He read a letter I had written to the church the night before. In the letter, I was completely broken, as straightforward and truthful as I could be, acknowledging exactly what I had done—and admitting that I had been a Christian imposter for years. I confessed that I had tried my best to play the part but never had a genuine relationship with Christ. I did not try to hide or gloss over anything; I laid it all out there, and people were devastated. Many of them viewed Al and me almost as family; that’s how close they felt to us. And, of course, our Robertson family was there. None of them knew I planned to address this matter publicly that day. They were not surprised by what I said, but the fact that I admitted my sin to such a large group was as big a shock to them as to anyone else.
That morning was the beginning of my turnaround. No doubt, God had been working on me for quite a while. Otherwise I would not have been so ready to confess my sin, repent, and commit to a new way of life. First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” For as long as I could remember, I had been entrapped in secrets. That day, when I publicly confessed and the secret came to light and I took responsibility for telling it, freedom and restoration finally became possible.
AL: The Sunday after Lisa went down front to have her letter of repentance read, I stood before my church family at the end of the service to make a statement. Gone was the confident spokesman; gone was the “together” preacher. I was still reeling from Lisa’s revelation, and I was still mad. And so hurt. As I turned to face this group of people who had loved me since I was a teenager, I saw that all eyes were fixed on me. Sober, expectant faces waited to hear what I had to say. I don’t remember my exact words, but the gist of what I said was that I didn’t know what the future would hold. I didn’t know if I could forgive Lisa, and I didn’t know if we would be reconciled. I had no words of hope for myself or anyone else. That morning, the thought of forgiveness and a restored marriage seemed distant and out of reach. I didn’t even know if I wanted to reach for it. Lisa had experienced a turning point in her faith, and she felt hopeful. I did not share her feelings—not yet.
LISA: The week I went forward at church, I began attending Bible study groups and support groups at Paula’s house and reading the Bible daily, especially Psalms and Proverbs. I could relate to the brokenness, heartache, and hope I saw throughout the psalms, and I was desperate for the wisdom I found in Proverbs. Little by little, day by day, the words of Scripture transformed the way I saw myself, the way I thought about God, the way I viewed my life, and the way I wanted to live. Soon afterward, I also started counseling, and this time, I was serious about facing my issues and getting help.
The people at our church were amazing. Al and I look back now on those difficult days and realize that we were so well loved. Some people were angry with me for hurting Al, and some chose to be judgmental, but a lot of people demonstrated the kindness, compassion, and mercy of Christ toward me. That does not mean they approved of what I did. It means they were aware of it and disappointed by it, but they were also willing to pray for me, support me, and try to love me into a place of healing, restoration, and strength.
One reason I had time to invest in Bible study and church groups is that I ended up without a job almost immediately after I admitted the affair to Al. Phil and Miss Kay felt that in light of the uncertainty and turmoil in my relationship with Al, the best course of action for the family and for Duck Commander was to fire me.
About a week later, Miss Kay told Al about another mess I had created at work. Duck Commander had already let me go, so they could not fire me again, but what I did would certainly have been grounds for terminating my job.
Miss Kay oversaw the administrative and financial aspects of the business for years. One day, someone from a credit card company called her and asked her why Duck Commander had so much activity in terms of credit activity on our account. Miss Kay knew nothing about it but soon found out I had been crediting my personal credit card from the business account. In other words, I was embezzling money. It was the only way I knew to fund the affair—buying him gifts, buying myself new clothes and expensive makeup. I tell people now, “When you double your life, you double your expenses.” That relationship was costly in every possible way.
I could hardly believe the way my world had crashed down on me. In just a couple of days, I had basically lost my husband, my home, and my job. When I say only God could help me, I mean it. Many people would think I was beyond redemption—and some did think so at the time. But God saw me differently, and thankfully so did Al.
AL: In the wake of the devastation I felt after Lisa admitted to the affair, I simply wanted to get away from home for a few days. My aunt, my mom’s sister, lived in Houston, Texas, so Mom, the girls, and I went down there for a visit. My aunt Ann has always been very close to my brothers and me. When we were growing up, we spent a couple of weeks every summer with her and her husband, Uncle Wade. She and her family were always members of a country club, and we really enjoyed swimming in the pool there. Uncle Wade is the one who taught my brothers and me to play golf, a sport that is still one of our very favorites. Now Aunt Ann goes with us every summer on our Robertson family vacation.
When anyone faces a ferocious mental, spiritual, emotional, or relational battle, it’s amazing how much we need to return to a safe zone and hide for a little while. Aunt Ann’s house was a safe zone for me, and that was what I desperately needed as I faced a ferocious battle for my marriage. My time with Mom, Aunt Ann, and the girls was exactly what I needed. It enabled me to escape the turmoil in West Monroe and allowed me some time to deal with the immediate impact of what had happened with Lisa. When we returned, after about a week, I felt stronger and I knew I could face people and deal with the questions, pressures, and decisions I needed to make.
When we face a ferocious mental, spiritual, emotional, or relational battle, we need to return to a safe zone and hide for a little while.
I had to admit Lisa had done everything I asked her to do after the revelation of her affair. She had also been extremely brave and amazingly humble when she publicly took responsibility for her sinful choices and admitted her need for help. I could tell she was sincere about changing her behavior, but I was not ready to “forgive and forget” and allow her back into our home. Everything from divorce to trial separation to the possibility of reconciliation had crossed my mind.
My family is a close-knit bunch, and they were all aware of what Lisa and I were going through almost as soon as I was. Some of them told me to leave her, reminding me of the near miss several years earlier and saying I was blind to her obvious faults. They thought she would never change, and they urged me to cut my losses and move on. They were very hurt over the whole situation and thought I just needed to be practical and let Lisa go. My mom, however, was more neutral. I think she still saw something redeemable in Lisa—and so did I. I fully understood the seriousness of Lisa’s actions, but in spite of them, something in me was not ready to give up on her or on our marriage.
Over the next several weeks, Lisa stayed involved with our daughters, who were about twelve and ten years old, hoping to keep their lives as normal as possible under the most abnormal circumstances. I saw how much they needed her, so I had no problem with her being in our home to take care of them and do “mom things.” I was not mean or disrespectful to her, but I did keep my distance. I never touched her and did not talk to her unless some communication was absolutely necessary.
Both Lisa and I could see that having her close to the girls was positive for them and for her. It was hard on me, but I knew how confused and upset the girls were over everything that had happened, and I wanted the best for them, even if Lisa’s presence made me uneasy at times. When I found out that John and Paula had agreed to let her live with them for a while, I thought it was a good idea, so she soon moved from Laura’s house into a room at their house. They lived across the road from us, which made Lisa’s going back and forth much easier and gave her better access to the girls. I think her being nearby and with such close friends was also helpful and comforting to the girls—and they needed all the comfort they could get.