LISA: When I speak publicly about my journey, I often share a message entitled “The Men of My Life.” After I finally admitted the affair to Al, I had to do a lot of thinking about all that had happened to me over the course of my life and all I had done to hurt myself and other people. As I pondered those things, I saw a connection between the men who have influenced my life and the decisions I made. Let me share a portion of that message, and you’ll see what I mean.
The first influential man in my life was my dad. I loved my daddy and he loved me. I only have good memories of my dad, although together we went through a lot of heartache. In my teenage years, I caused most of that pain, but I caused even more later in life when I failed my family extensively. My dad was my hero, my friend, and my cheerleader. Unfortunately, he was also my first god.
The next man to influence my life was my brother. As a child, I was so proud of him for his service to our country as a marine. In fact, I learned the marine theme song and sang it enthusiastically for him when he graduated boot camp. My brother had many hurts, habits, and hang-ups. To medicate the pain of those things, he drank and eventually died of alcohol-related illness at the age of fifty-seven. In spite of his struggles, he was always a hero to me.
The next man who influenced me was not honorable, and he represents nothing but lies to me. I do not need to say much about the man who molested me because I have already written about the fact that he did detestable things to me from the time I was seven years old until I was a teenager. The reason I refer to him as “influential” is that his actions so damaged my self-image, my sense of self-worth, and my idea of relationships. As a result of his interaction with me, I developed a flawed understanding of my purpose in life. I came to believe I existed to satisfy men. That was not true, but I believed it, and that belief ultimately caused much pain in my life and in the lives of people around me.
The most influential man on earth to me is one I met when I was in the sixth grade. It was Al, and you know a lot of our story by now.
During the time Al and I were not together when I was in high school, I dated several other men and even became pregnant by one of them and had an abortion, as I mentioned earlier. I now realize that many of the men in my life gave me nothing positive. With every hurt or violation associated with them, a piece of my soul withered and died.
With every hurt or violation associated with the men in my life, a piece of my soul withered and died.
Once Al came back into my life, I had no idea how to relate to him in a healthy way. I not only thought he was God’s gift to me, I basically treated him as though he were my god. When we married, I saw myself first and foremost as the “wife of Al,” not as the bride of Christ. That caused all kinds of problems.
The next influential man in my life was the one with whom I had the affair. His influence was 100 percent negative. Maybe the only redemptive thing about that relationship is that God used it to bring me to the point of absolute brokenness and devastation, a place where I had to either live or die emotionally, a critical, life-changing moment where I would either reach out to Him or continue to spiral downward.
Once I admitted the affair, I felt such relief. No more secrets, no more hiding, no more feeling worthless. Sometimes I remember lying in our backyard with my face to the ground crying out for God to save me like it happened yesterday. I remember the sincerity and desperation with which I cried, “If I am worth anything to You, Lord, please save me.” I still get chills when I recall the way God answered me, with an undeniable impression that said: “You are worth everything to Me. I gave My only Son just for you. Had you been the only person on earth, I would have done that just for you.” I was undone.
That leads me to the most influential man I have ever known. During the time Al and I were apart, and after the long string of men who went in and out of my life over the years, I finally allowed the greatest, most important man in my life, Jesus Christ—the One who changed everything for me—to rule my life from that moment until eternity. In the wake of having to leave my home and family, I studied God’s Word intensely. I prayed. I asked God to be the one true God who would save me, would never leave or forsake me, and would never think that I had to fulfill an unholy purpose for Him. I made Him the Lord of my life through baptism, and since that day, He has had His rightful place as God in my life. I have no other gods before Him.
Life can be hard. Human nature often drives us to look to other people for what only God can give. I hope and pray you are aware of your need for God; it’s a need that every human being has. I also pray you are involved in a vibrant, life-changing personal relationship with Him, because that’s where you will find everything you need. If you would like to make Jesus your Lord, Al will lead you through the process at the end of this book. It’s the best decision you could ever make!