Chapter 16 
Chapter 16 “I am the Lord who heals you.”
—EXODUS 15:26
AL: For several weeks, I did a lot of thinking and praying about my next steps with Lisa. I sought good advice from people I trusted—and I got a lot of advice from people whose counsel I did not necessarily want. Working in a church can be like living in a fishbowl; everybody wanted to know what I was going to do—some out of concern and some out of curiosity. This was a private matter, for sure, but because of my involvement in leadership in the church, it also had a public element.
I chose to confide in a few close, confidential friends and family members, and to say very little to everyone else. I was not sure what I was going to do, and I did not want to start rumors. I also felt Lisa should be aware of my decision before anyone else knew about it, so I tried to keep the whole situation as quiet as possible. That didn’t work very well.
Because of my job at the church, I was accountable to a group of elders. Out of love for Lisa and me and concern for the way our circumstances could impact the church, they decided one night to make a strong suggestion about how I should handle my marriage. They came up with a plan—almost a program for reconciliation, which included sending Lisa to a counseling center for several months. They believed she and I definitely needed to spend some time apart, and they seemed to think some kind of managed relationship, with them as our overseers, was a good idea.
When I heard the elders’ recommendation, I realized that they’d based it on their love and friendship for us, but something inside me rose up and said, No. This is not what we’re going to do. These men are not going to dictate how Lisa and I need to deal with our problems. I respected them and worked well with them in church matters, but when it came to my marriage, I was not going to give them a vote.
From my perspective, the elders’ plan was a big overreach of authority. I already felt betrayed by my wife, and now I felt betrayed by my church leaders too. They were supposed to be helping me, but I felt they were imposing their opinions on a very personal matter. On one hand, I was crushed; on the other hand, I wouldn’t stand for it.
I called Lisa and asked her to meet me at our house.
Lisa says now that she was terrified to meet me. She had no idea what I would say or do and was afraid I might present her with divorce papers. That was not what I had in mind.
I could tell she was nervous when she arrived for our conversation. We had not spoken at all since she left, except when we needed to talk about the girls. We had not had any discussion at all about the affair, about our present circumstances, or about our future.
I immediately told her what the elders thought we should do and then said, “That’s not right. I’m going to resign from the church. I don’t know if there is a future for us or not, but I do know it’s not going to be decided by anyone but us.”
On one hand, I was crushed; on the other hand, I wouldn’t stand for it.
I found out later that my dad, who was also an elder at the church, stood up for me in one of their meetings. He was one of the family members who did not think I should make any effort to restore my marriage, and he shared that with the group. He said, “I’m telling Al to divorce Lisa, but it has to be his decision. This whole proposal is not the right call.”
As a result, the elders eventually backed away from their idea, but by that time it did not matter much. I had already decided not to take their advice and had already written my letter of resignation from the church. I did not know how to move forward with Lisa or what I would do without a job; I just knew I had to decide my future for myself. Thankfully, I never had to give them that letter.
Before I found out about the affair, Lisa and I had arranged a ministry trip to Europe and planned to take the girls with us. Of course, she would not make that trip, but I decided to go ahead. I thought the change of scenery and change of pace would be good for me. I also felt teaching and preaching again would be a positive experience. Besides, I wanted the girls to see Europe. In those days, restrictions on air travel were not as stringent as they are now, so my mom was able to travel with us on Lisa’s ticket.
Before we left, Lisa and I had a talk. I had decided that if I could go to Europe for two weeks and not miss her, then I could go on living my life without her. If I did miss her and could keep from being paralyzed by worrying about what she might be doing, I reasoned, then I needed to make an effort to restore our relationship. She had been baptized by then. She did this totally of her own volition; I had nothing to do with it. I did not even know about it when it happened, so she obviously did not do it to gain my approval. I had also heard lots of good reports about positive changes Lisa was making in her life, and I could see firsthand that she was trying to do better. But I still did not trust her. I would just have to wait and see how I felt while I was overseas.
On the flight to Europe, I tried to read a book called Forgiven Forever (now titled Getting Past Guilt) by Joe Beam. After only reading a few sentences, I felt overwhelmed and closed the book. I was not ready to read it.
When I first stood to preach and teach in Europe, I felt like a shell of a man. As I went on, I could hardly believe the emotion that came rushing out of my heart as I spoke. In addition to Mom and the girls, several others from our church were on that trip. They seemed to begin to realize that something deep was happening in me, and they rallied around me in support. I began to feel stronger.
I did not want the girls to feel disconnected from their mom while we were away, so I called Lisa several times during the trip so they could talk to her. And I realized I missed her. I also wasn’t worried about what she was doing. I had a peace for which I can only give credit to God—a peace that told me that she was finished seeing the man with whom she had been unfaithful to me. By the time the trip was over, about two months after Lisa admitted the affair and I asked her to leave, I knew I wanted to get back together with her.
During our flight home, I picked up Joe Beam’s book again and read it completely. In Joe’s case, he played the role Lisa played in our marriage, and his wife, Alice, was able to forgive him for his infidelity. Reading about Joe’s mind-set through his wandering from God and straying from his wife helped me understand how a person thinks when trapped in sinful behavior. The reality, depth, and power of true forgiveness hit me like a sledgehammer. I realized what forgiveness would look like if I chose to extend it to Lisa. It would not be easy, but I wanted to make the effort.
Back in West Monroe, Lisa continued to live with John and Paula, but she and I were talking every day, working toward reconciliation. I told her we had to have a fresh start; we needed a clean slate, a complete do-over. We needed to find a new way to have a relationship and a marriage, and I told her I did not want to sleep with her until we both agreed that we were fully reconciled. We began our journey toward restoration by going to counseling together and committing to doing what we needed to do—and with a lot of prayer and Bible study.
When I forgave Lisa, her affair became off-limits as a weapon in conversations or arguments.
From a personal perspective, the best thing I was able to do by God’s grace was to forgive Lisa completely. I learned that people do not really give forgiveness if they do not practice forgiveness day in and day out. For me, practicing forgiveness meant I would never, ever use the affair to hurt her or to hurt us. When I forgave her, it became off-limits as a weapon in conversations and arguments. I could not pretend the affair never happened, but I did have to neutralize its power and refuse to use it against her. I chose to do that, and at the time of this writing, fifteen years later, she would tell you that I have honored that commitment.
Once I chose to truly forgive Lisa, I shared that decision with my family. Interestingly, I allowed her back into my life much more easily than they did. Several of them thought I had made the wrong decision. They felt shut out of my life, to a degree, and maybe they were, because I did not let their opinions influence me. I loved them, but I could not allow them to come between my wife and me if we wanted to be together. And we did want to be together.
Lisa and I took an intensely personal, honest journey toward restoration, and when we decided we were ready, we bought new wedding rings for each other, held a private vow-renewal ceremony in December 1999, and spent our first night together as a newly and truly committed husband and wife.
LISA: Once Al and I renewed our vows, our marriage did start over. Getting off to a new beginning was not always easy, but we were committed—even stubborn—about it, so we persevered through the difficult moments. We rebuilt our relationship on godly principles, using the Bible as our authority and guide. We were as open as we felt wisdom allowed us to be with the people of the church and with our families. Most of the people in the church were happy to see us back together and supportive of our reconciliation. Many of the Robertsons, however, were not in favor of our vow renewal, and I knew that. In a way, the fact that Al stood up to them and fought for our marriage against their wishes showed me beyond any shadow of a doubt that he really was committed to our relationship.
Several days after we renewed our vows, the church put on a Christmas play, and lots of Robertsons had roles to play, including me. Korie played Mary, and John Luke was the baby Jesus. Phil played John the Baptist, Al was a disciple, and I was one of the townspeople in Bethlehem. During rehearsals for the play, our family members weren’t ugly or rude to me, but we all knew our relationships had been damaged.
Like our play practices, our family Christmas celebration that year was awkward. Again, no one was unkind to me, but I knew—and understood why—they did not trust me. Rebuilding relationships was going to take time, I realized. But I knew these people; I knew I wanted close relationships with them, and I was willing to do whatever it took to earn their trust again and repair the bridges I had burned. As soon as Al and I got back together, I wrote a heartfelt letter of apology to the Robertson family, telling them how sorry I was for the pain I had caused Al, our daughters, and all of them. They accepted the apology, and though rebuilding their trust did take time, we now enjoy fully restored relationships with one another, and I dearly love everyone in the family.
By that time, I had a job at a medical technology office. I was determined to pay back every cent of the money I had embezzled, so every time I got paid, I wrote a check to Duck Commander. After several months, I noticed those checks were not clearing my bank, so I asked Miss Kay about them. I will never forget what she said: “I don’t want your money, Lisa. You don’t have to keep sending those checks. I’m not going to cash them. Your repentance means more to me than the money does.” No one ever has to wonder where Al got his generous, forgiving heart!
Into the next year, Al and I continued counseling, and that proved extremely valuable. I came to understand how much of my sinful behavior was rooted in my experiences with being molested as a child, and I was finally able to forgive the man who hurt me so deeply. Al was able to forgive the guy with whom I had the affair. These two acts of forgiveness were vitally important in our healing then and in the freedom we continue to enjoy today.