Chapter 17 
Chapter 17 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten . . .
You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame . . .
I am the Lord your God and there is no other.”
—JOEL 2:25–27
LISA: After Al and I renewed our vows, we had a lot to learn. We had already tried to build a marriage our way; we needed to build one God’s way. I knew the two of us would have to work together to understand what God wanted from us and for us, but I also knew we both as individuals needed to be sensitive to God’s Spirit and follow His leading in our personal lives as He restored our life together.
For me, following God’s guidance certainly meant continuing to spend time studying the Bible and praying, participating in church groups, and surrounding myself with godly people who would support my new life. It also meant making some big changes on a practical level. For many years, actually until Al and I renewed our marriage, my outward appearance said more about my inner struggles and realities than words could ever say. I did not dress modestly at all. In fact, as I mentioned in the “Seasoned Reflections” section of chapter 12, I usually wore tight-fitting clothes, short skirts, and low necklines. I also wore way too much makeup. Generally speaking, I looked provocative. I also carried myself in ways I thought would be attractive to men, spoke to men in certain tones of voice, and hugged them just a little too long and a little too tightly. Before I truly surrendered my life to Christ, these things seemed to be part of my persona. I did not realize they were inappropriate.
Once Jesus became Lord of my life, one of the quick lessons He taught me was that I needed to dress, speak, and act differently. Almost immediately, I wanted men to see me only as Al’s wife or as a sister in Christ—nothing more, ever. I started wearing higher necklines and lower hemlines; I toned down my makeup and learned to interact with men appropriately and modestly. These outward adjustments reflected the deep, thorough internal changes God was working in my heart. He gave me the knowledge of what I needed to do, and I did it. Al says now that he could hardly believe how much and how quickly I changed. He never said a word to me about my appearance. He simply allowed God to lead me and gave me the freedom to follow.
AL: After Lisa and I recommitted our marriage to God, both of us began to change. Lisa has described some of the changes she went through, and I learned to be more sensitive to her needs and more emotionally available. I also learned to balance marriage, family, and ministry in a healthier way. My being away on ministry trips for days and sometimes weeks was tough on Lisa, so I decided that any invitation I received had to include her or I simply would not accept it. This decision turned out to be great for my confidence, for her confidence, and for the churches and mission organizations we visited.
Many times, when the enemy has wreaked havoc in people’s lives and God begins to turn things around for them, something from the past crops up to threaten their progress. Lisa and I were no exception to that. One day, we had several errands to run, including one to our local Walmart. Without warning, I noticed that Lisa grew stiff in the seat beside me and said, “Let’s go home.” That made no sense to me at all.
When I asked her what was wrong, she said the man with whom she had the affair was two cars in front of us, also turning into the Walmart parking lot. I had to make a decision right then. Would we run the risk of facing him in Walmart, or would we avoid him? I pulled into the next available parking space, roiling inside, and said to Lisa, “We’re going to walk into Walmart and buy the things we came to get. You are going to hold your head high, and so am I. You chose me, and I chose you. And we are not going to live in fear of anyone in our own hometown.”
“You chose me, and I chose you. And we are not going to live in fear of anyone in our own hometown.”
Lisa was uncomfortable, of course, but she agreed. In the store, we ended up buggy to buggy with that man and his female companion. As soon as they recognized us, they wheeled that buggy around like the store was on fire and practically ran away from us. That moment was such a triumph for us. We faced a fear, and it cowered. It wasn’t easy; it took all the strength we had. But it was worth it.
That experience helped us understand that any reconciliation will be tested, especially early on, when people’s hearts are still so sensitive and vulnerable. Since that day, we have never looked back and have enjoyed constant growth and increasing intimacy in our relationship.
Our church held a marriage retreat in the spring of 2000. One of the leaders invited us, and the church paid our way. At that time, we were still very tender emotionally, feeling like newborn colts taking their first wobbly steps. It was a great time of listening, learning, and healing. The other people in the group treated us wonderfully, and the whole weekend was a great experience. In addition to giving us just what we needed that weekend, God planted in our hearts some important marriage principles for our future—not just for us, but for countless other couples we would encounter in the years to come.
As we soaked in biblical teachings about marriage and as other couples encouraged us while on the retreat, I could not help thinking about everything Lisa and I had learned through our own difficulties. Even though our situation was still fairly recent, I was filled with a desire to help people who were discouraged or ready to give up on their relationships with their spouses. I also knew Lisa and I needed, but had not yet regained, enough credibility to start ministering to people.
A little more than a year after we reconciled, in the spring of 2000, Lisa and I were still in counseling and reached a point where our therapist felt we were ready to move forward without her. We knew she would always be there if we needed her, but completing those months of counseling was a milestone for us. We had done some hard work—some of it grueling and emotionally excruciating—but we had grown as individuals and as a couple through all of it. We were so happy to start walking on our own.
The church held another marriage retreat the following spring, in 2001, and asked Lisa and me to plan and host our version of The Newlywed Game. I planned the questions and served as the host, and Lisa played the role of Vanna White. We had fun doing that, but on a deeper level, we really appreciated being asked. It was the first time anyone had invited us to do anything regarding marriage in any kind of leadership capacity, even if it was a takeoff on a game show. That opportunity communicated to us that our church had also healed from the trauma of the affair, and just as we chose to make a fresh start, they were also willing to let us begin again and not hold the past against us.
By this time, the authenticity and solidity of our renewed relationship was evident, and people began pulling us aside, telling us their marriage troubles, and asking, “How did you get through that? What can you tell us to help us survive what we’re going through right now and keep our marriage together?” Others called us and asked if we would meet with them and help them through a particular problem in their marriage. In addition to that, young engaged couples began asking us to do their premarital counseling. In an informal, organic kind of way, we eventually found ourselves the go-to couple for marriages in crisis.
For several years after those first two marriage retreats, we continued to provide leadership to the marriage retreat, eventually helping plan it and then hosting the entire event. Since then, we have had more and more opportunities to help people whose marriages are suffering—through teaching classes at our church, counseling with individuals or couples, speaking at seminars, or ministering in churches. We have shared everything we know that might help restore a damaged relationship. We have been determined not to hold back the shameful aspects of our pasts because we realize that our courage to talk about the difficult matters gives other people courage to talk about their difficult matters too. We never had anything to offer except what we had learned on our journey, and we have shared our story openly and tried to pass along to others the wisdom and insights God has given us. People have responded well, and we are so thankful to see how God has used our past pain to help and strengthen others.
LISA: Al and I have an amazing relationship today. We live with a degree of love and intimacy with each other that we once thought was not even a remote possibility. We have a completely open, trusting relationship characterized by mutual respect and honor. After all we have been through, we do not take each other for granted, and we speak freely about our love and commitment to one another. God has blessed us with the opportunity to spend much time together, and we truly enjoy each other’s company. And on top of all that, we have lots of fun with each other and with our family.
In addition to the relationship Al and I now enjoy with each other, being able to help other couples has been extremely fulfilling for Al and me. When we see a husband and wife struggling with some of the same issues we have dealt with, we appreciate being able to relate to them and letting them know we really do understand. If we can help one family avoid the hurt we have suffered, then our pain serves a redemptive purpose. Beyond the redemption we have experienced in our lives and have been privileged to help others experience, we also enjoy what we consider a great reward in the wake of all the drama of our past. Let me explain.
We had no idea, when we were trying to decide what to do in 1999, what we would have missed had we chosen to go our separate ways.
Hebrews 10:35–36 says: “Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise.” Al and I believe that staying together after infidelity was God’s will for us and that we are now reaping some of the blessings and rewards of doing so. Our rewards are our happily married daughters and our grandchildren. When we look at Carley, Bailey, Corban, and Sage we see the fruit that our ultimate decision to remain faithful to one another has produced. We had no idea, when we were trying to decide what to do in 1999, what we would have missed had we chosen to go our separate ways.
Our family gives us the greatest joys we know. For all the pain we suffered at one season in our lives, we now feel we have received exponential happiness in return. When we spend time with our family, having fun together and listening to children laugh and play, Al and I often look at each other to silently say, This is worth everything we suffered. When we think about the fact that we stayed together and realize that our children and grandchildren have been spared the pain of a divorce between us, we thank God. We know we have given our daughters, our sons-in-law, and our grandchildren a legacy of love that is both tender and tough—a legacy of trust in God through the most difficult circumstances, and a legacy of faithfulness to God and to each other. Our journey has not been easy, but if everything we suffered was necessary in order to get us to the point in life where we are now, it was worth it.