“I just don’t understand. He asked for my number, texted me several times, and now he has just disappeared!”
I was sitting on my couch with my new client Penny. She had recently met a guy at a friend’s birthday party and was excited to go out with him. The only problem was that after a week and a half of texting, he still hadn’t officially asked her out. She had dropped several hints that she was interested in seeing him, but he didn’t bite. Fed up, Penny decided to mention that she was going to be in his area and asked if he wanted to grab some lunch. That was the last exchange they had. The guy never texted her again.
“Why do guys do this? Why do they seem interested one minute and then not the next?” she asked.
“I know it’s hard to understand, but not all guys who ask for your number are seriously interested in getting to know you,” I told her.
“Ouch. That was harsh,” Penny replied.
“I’m sorry. What I mean is that you can’t just assume that a man is 100 percent interested in dating you just because he asked for your number or flirted with you at a party. Men have different levels of interest. Depending on what kind of guy they are, or what their current situation is, their level of interest can range from high to low,” I told her.
“So how am I supposed to know if a man is truly interested in me? I’m tired of feeling disappointed time and time again. Is there a way to know what to expect from someone?” she asked.
“There is a way,” I told her. “You have to learn to read a guy’s Buying Signs.”
People in general won’t just come out and tell you their level of interest. You have to learn to read their Buying Signs. Buying Signs are those little subtle indicators that tell you when you are piquing someone’s interest. Lots of women don’t know how to read a man’s Buying Signs and they end up chasing men who are either moderately interested or not that interested at all. They ignore the clear signs, or in this case, lack thereof, and instead of doing certain things to possibly ignite more interest, they simply throw themselves at the guy—killing the small amount of intrigue he had left.
In Penny’s case, the guy she had met at the party was only moderately interested in her. He had enjoyed their chat at the party, but he had also met two other girls that same night. Over the course of the week he texted with each girl, but Penny was the most responsive. She was so excited to have a potential prospect that she didn’t notice when the guy’s texts started slowing down and he became less engaging. Eventually he decided that he was more interested and more compatible with another girl and simply moved on to focus on her instead. Even though he was interested the night he met Penny, the interest didn’t sustain. Penny just assumed it would, which is why she was so disappointed. She had set the expectation that she would date the guy and eventually get into a relationship with him—a common assumption that often leads to a letdown.
Reading the Signs
Guys will never flat-out tell you just how interested they are. You have to figure out their level of interest on your own. I was always under the impression that a man’s feelings were black and white. He either liked me or he didn’t. It wasn’t until much later that I realized there was a huge gray area. A man’s interest can range from high to low, and learning to read his signs of interest will ultimately help you better set your expectations.
Reading Buying Signs may also save you a bit of humiliation. When I was a freshman in college, I was gaga over Zach Palamino. (No, that’s not his real name, so don’t go Googling him.) He was a few years older than I was, and every time I ran into him on campus, I started to hyperventilate. One night at a frat party my friend grabbed him and made him dance with me. I was over the moon. He was slightly intoxicated, but I didn’t care. I spent the rest of the night talking to him and he even walked me to my car and asked for my number.
After that night, I saw him a few times on campus. He would always stop and talk to me, but never said anything about going out. He never called either. I was plagued with distress. Why would he ask for my number and then not call? Why wasn’t he asking me out?
One night I decided to take matters into my own hands. So I called him. He answered the phone and talked to me for roughly three minutes. Then he said his roommate needed to use the phone and he would call me back. He never did.
Looking back on it now, I realized that Zach started out only moderately interested, and the actions I took from there made him even less interested. When I saw him on campus I went out of my way to run into him. I ended every conversation mentioning that he should call me. I even had a friend talk to him for me. Pathetic, I know. One night while drinking at a local bar, I told him how hot I thought he was and tried to kiss him. At the time I saw nothing wrong with my actions. I told myself he was just shy and I needed to be more aggressive. Now when I think about it, my face gets redder than a tomato. How could I have been so oblivious? How did I not read the signs?
The truth is I didn’t want to read the signs. I wanted to ignore them! I was so crazy about Zach that accepting he may not like me was something I couldn’t face. And because he never verbally said he was not interested, I continued to believe he was. He danced with me one night at a party and walked me to my car so I thought it was love. Wouldn’t you?
The Gray Area
I remember nearly losing my mind trying to figure out Zach. Some people call it mixed messages when a guy asks for your number, but then doesn’t call. Or he calls you, but not regularly. He may be all over you one night, but not the next. It’s up to you to understand and interpret these signs. He’s not going to spell it out for you—but I will. You are in the gray area, and these are not mixed messages. These are clear signs of moderate to low interest.
Before I met my husband I experienced another classic case of low interest from a guy. Had I not been good at interpreting Buying Signs by then, I could have easily wasted my time. It all started while I was checking my profile on Facebook. I got a friend request from an extremely handsome Orlando Bloom look-alike. I was totally surprised and excited as I read his profile. He was a young doctor who seemed to have a great sense of humor. I decided to post a comment on his page saying thanks for the friend request. I waited a couple of days to check to see if he would respond. To my disappointment he didn’t. I decided to let it go; after all, what could I really do at that point? A couple months went by and I had almost forgotten about Orlando. But as I was checking my profile on my birthday, I realized he had posted another comment. I was elated and rejuvenated. He was definitely digging me, or so I thought. I gave it a day, posted a comment back, and waited for a response. Nothing. No reply. I was perplexed. I wanted to meet this guy. He seemed so interesting, not to mention gorgeous. All my friends urged me to e-mail and ask him out. They kept reminding me that he was the one who found me and initiated contact. I went back and forth about what to do. I knew what they were saying was true, but I also knew that his Buying Signs were telling me he was only moderately interested, if that. Being persistent would not heighten his level of interest. So against my friends’ advice I decided to go with what my head was telling me. I didn’t write him again.
The following week I decided to go to a restaurant opening in Chinatown. As I walked toward the mass of people swarming the entrance, I saw the same dark curly hair that was driving me to insanity. It was him. Orlando! He was in line waiting to get in. I walked right up to the door because I happened to know the owner, and strolled right by him. As I stood by the bar talking to friends, I eagerly waited for him to walk through the door. After what seemed like hours, he finally did. But he was not alone. On his arm was a tall brunette he clearly knew very well. As he leaned on the bar to order drinks, she stuck her hand deep into his back pocket. Girlfriend, I thought. Definitely the girlfriend.
I was very glad that I didn’t continue to e-mail Orlando. He was less than moderately interested, like I originally thought. I later discovered he and his girlfriend had been dating for two years. They could have been in a fight when he contacted me, or perhaps he was just a cheater and some other girl jumped on his friend request when I didn’t. Either way, there was not any real interest on his part. Continuing contact with him would have been the wrong thing to do. He was clearly in a relationship and the only thing to do was wait to see what happened next. Maybe they would break up, maybe they wouldn’t. But I had done my part.
Unfortunately, most of the time you aren’t going to find out what’s happening on the other side like I did. You are going to have to read the signs and determine for yourself what a man’s interest level is. I was lucky enough to get a sneak peek, but that doesn’t happen very often. You have to be smart enough to read the signs and act accordingly. I could have easily kept e-mailing Orlando, thinking he was interested, but it would have backfired on me. He had a girlfriend, and the ball was not in my court.
It may drive you nuts not knowing why someone isn’t crazy over you, but the reason doesn’t matter anyway. In the beginning, you must trust that it is nothing you have control over and act according to the signs you’re reading. If you don’t, and you push yourself into a relationship with a man whose level of interest is beneath your own, he won’t love you; he’ll just use you. Then you will be sucked into something that will never satisfy you and could possibly devastate you.
The Initial Signs of Interest
Gauging a man’s interest in the beginning is pretty simple, as there are definitely standard Buying Signs that every man uses. The first is the look. If a man is interested in meeting you, you will catch his eye. It’s the same thing that happens when you walk through the mall. If you see a dress or a pair of shoes you like, what do you do? You stop and look. Some men try not to make it obvious; others are rather overt about it. Needless to say, when someone is interested in buying, they first stop and look.
The second sign of interest is questioning. When a customer is interested in a product, they ask a lot of questions. They want to know as much as they can about that product in the little time they have. Think about when you try on a dress at the mall. If you like it, you ask questions like, “How much is it? Does it come in my size? Are there any other colors?” Men are no different. They will ask you questions about yourself if they are interested. He will want to know who you are, what you do, where you live, and anything else he can think of. If he does not ask you anything and proceeds to ramble on about himself and his interest, read the signs. He is more interested in himself than you.
The third sign is change in attitude and mannerisms. When a customer is interested in buying, he may suddenly change his tone of voice, attitude, or posture. He may become friendlier or chattier. When a man is interested in a woman, he will do exactly the same thing. He will maintain strong eye contact while engaging in deeper conversation. As time passes, he may become more touchy-feely. His tone and body language will make it apparent that he is interested.
The fourth and final sign of interest is probably the most obvious. When a customer is interested they basically tell you before you can even ask. They make closing statements like, “That sounds good,” or “Where do I sign?” A man won’t say those things exactly, or at least let’s hope not, but he will say things that reference seeing you again. I once met a guy at my gym who asked me where I usually went running. When I told him the specific trail, he said he often runs there too and we should run it together sometime. That is a closing statement. If he doesn’t come out and ask you for a date on the first meeting, you should not be discouraged. Most guys want to wait and see if they get a Buying Sign from you before asking for your number. Listen for other closing statements that tell you he wants to see you again, and then let him know you would be receptive to it by maintaining a good strong SEE Factor (see Chapter 4) and saying yes when he attempts to suggest a possible date.
The Signs of Low to Moderate Interest
After you’ve met and maybe even gone on a few dates, it will be a lot easier to tell what his interest level is. If he calls you a lot, sends you texts every day, tries constantly to see you, he’s very interested. Anything less than that is moderate to not-that-interested. Doesn’t matter what the extenuating circumstances are. A stressful job, a heavy travel schedule, a recent breakup—they are all just excuses. If he’s not sending you a clear signal of high interest, it’s because he’s not that interested . . . at least not yet. You can certainly change his level, but you have to first be honest with yourself and realize that you may be more into him than he is into you.
If you don’t hear from a man for days and making plans only happens on his terms, read the signs. Moderate interest. If you only hang out with his friends, at his house, and doing what he wants, again, moderate interest. If he only calls you when he’s out, drunk, and late at night . . . do I really need to tell you what that means?
There’s no such thing as mixed messages. The signs are very clear. The only problem is with you, the interpreter. It can be tough to face the fact that the man you are pining after may not be as interested in you as you want him to be. But if you make excuses for his wishy-washy behavior, you are only kidding yourself. Everyone else, including your friends, knows exactly what’s happening, even if they don’t tell you.
Starting High, but Ending Low
Unfortunately, just because someone expresses initial interest doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to close them on a relationship. Sometimes customers start off extremely interested in a product, but somewhere in the sales process, their interest wanes. The worst part about that is that they’ll sometimes continue to act interested just to be nice. Sometimes they just want free pens, and sometimes they want to be taken to lunch. There are several reasons why an uninterested customer will string a salesperson along, so we have to look for signs that indicate that the customer is serious about buying and does not have an ulterior motive.
After you’ve been dating awhile, you have to be careful a guy doesn’t do the same thing to you. You have to continue to read his signs throughout your entire courtship to be sure his interest is holding and also to be certain he doesn’t have a less honorable agenda. Remember, just because he initially asked for your number or told you that you turned every head in the room doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. Unfortunately, there are men who are only out for sex and don’t care who they hurt in order to get it.
Adison often makes the mistake of assuming when a guy asks for her number he is totally smitten with her and therefore she can act any way she wants. She throws her strategy out the window and ignores all other signs. She figures he made the first move, so she has the upper hand. She doesn’t think twice about anything she says or does. Then when the guy breaks off the relationship, she’s left baffled. “He asked for my number!” she cries. “He chased me!” She has a hard time accepting that just because a man’s interest starts out high doesn’t mean it will stay that way. A man’s interest is like the weather. It can drop from high to low overnight.
It’s important to read a man’s Buying Signs, whether they are sky-high or valley low. Your actions can affect his level of interest, so don’t despair if the outlook seems gloomy at the moment. It is very possible to turn him around. But first you have to read and accept the signs, so that you know where you stand. Learn the signs of someone really liking you. Learn the signs when someone only moderately likes you. And most important, learn the signs of when someone doesn’t really like you but because you are readily available, they use you when they want to. Don’t make excuses for rotten behavior. If a man is truly interested and is thinking about a serious relationship with you, there will be clear signs telling you so. If he’s not there yet, don’t worry. The rest of this book is going to teach you how to get him interested and keep him that way.
My good friend Aidan relies heavily on blind dates. He’s a smart but quiet guy who doesn’t go out much, and prefers to be set up through friends. He figures they know his likes and dislikes, so having them choose his dates for him should be a safe bet. However, the last date he went on had him really doubting his friends’ ability.
The night got off to a great start when Aidan’s date walked in exactly the way she had been described. She was a cute brunette with a curvaceous figure and a dazzling smile. Jackpot! he thought to himself. He was instantly pleased and ready for an enjoyable evening. Unfortunately, not long after they ordered their first drinks, the good start came to a screeching halt.
She asked Aidan what he did for a living.
“I own a wine store,” he said.
“Oh my God, really?” she exclaimed. “I love wine. I have been to a lot of the vineyards in the area. I use to be a waitress at this restaurant on Capitol Hill, and they wanted the staff to be familiar with all the wines so we could accurately describe them to the patrons. There were so many wines that it was hard for everyone to remember them all, but I must have a nose for wine because I could just smell the wine and know exactly what was in it. Everyone thought it was amazing actually.”
Aidan raised his brow, “Well, that’s cool.”
“Do you like sports?” the girl asked.
“Uh, I do. I’m not as into them as I used to be, but I do follow my favorite teams,” Aidan said.
“Oh, me too! I mean, I do like sports, like football and soccer are okay, but I’m not married to them. I can sit down and watch them with my boyfriend if that’s what he wants to do, but I don’t have to be in front of the TV every Monday night for the Skins’ game. It’s something that I can take or leave myself. I actually played field hockey when I was in high school, so I am pretty athletic. The year I was the cocaptain we won the regional championship. Gosh, that was so long ago, now that I think about it . . .”
Again Aidan raised his brow, then looked down at his watch.
After forty-five minutes passed, he finally told the girl that he forgot to lock the back door at the store and had to go. She hugged him good-bye and told him she had fun. He lied and said the same thing.
When Aidan called me the next day, I asked him about the date. He only had one thing to say.
“She talked too much. We’re not going out again.”
“Oh? What was it she was talking about exactly?” I asked.
“Mainly herself,” he replied. “She started off pretty good. She seemed interested in getting to know me, but then whenever I answered her questions, she would immediately come up with a story that related back to her. It got very annoying.”
“Well, she was probably trying to show you that you and she have a lot in common. She just went about it the wrong way.”
“Maybe, but at this point I don’t care what her intention was. I’m not putting myself through that again,” Aidan said firmly. “She was just agreeing with everything I said anyway. The conversation was not interesting at all. She also cut me off a few times, so it’s obvious she likes to hear herself talk. It’s too bad because she was very attractive and I would have gone out with her again. Oh well, on to the next.”
Aidan’s date started out doing the right thing. She asked questions. At first she seemed genuinely interested in Aidan. But as soon as he answered her question, she would jump in and ramble on and on about her own stories, always turning the conversation back to herself. Many girls I know unwittingly do the same thing. They go on dates and talk way too much. They are so worried about impressing the guy that they talk themselves right out of a relationship. It’s a disease I call “verbal vomit.” There is no faster way to kill a potential relationship than to verbal vomit on your date. You may think you are keeping the conversation going by telling your funny and agreeable stories, but from the guys’ perspective you just come off looking like a motormouth.
KISS Your Date
People often think that salespeople are great talkers. But it’s not the talking that makes them great. Just the opposite. The real secret is that salespeople are great listeners. They spend time really getting to know their customers and listening to what they have to say. This makes the customer feel special and cared about, something that is absolutely necessary when they are deciding to make a purchase. Whenever I would visit with a potential buyer, I would make sure that they were the ones doing most of the talking. My rule was they talk 75 percent of the time and I talk 25 percent of the time. The last thing I wanted to do was to monopolize the conversation and bore the customer. I know that people love to talk, and they lose interest fast when they are just sitting there listening to my pitch. I have to engage them, just like you have to engage your dates. Men especially have short attention spans. After a few minutes of listening to you, you have to let him talk. If you drone on, they will lose interest in what you are saying and then lose interest in you. Remember, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason!
It is more important to connect with your date, rather than impress him, so instead of trying to “wow” a guy with your wit or sense of humor, simply be that girl who is easy to talk to. The best thing you can do on a date is to ask a guy questions about himself. You can always keep the conversation going with questions, and you will make your date feel like you are genuinely interested in him as a person. When it’s your turn to talk, use the same principle salespeople have been using for years: the KISS Principle. It stands for keep it short and simple. Using KISS will help keep you from babbling and ensure that your date has a good time with you. It’s also the only cure for verbal vomit.
When I was in my twenties I remember going on a first date with a local TV newscaster. I was a little nervous and not sure what we were going to talk about. He seemed much older and far worldlier than me. Then I remembered that all I needed to do was ask him questions and keep my answers short and simple. We sat at a restaurant bar for two hours, but the conversation never stalled because I continually asked him questions about himself, his family, his career, his aspirations. Whenever he asked me a question, I would KISS the answer, and then turn the attention back to him. By the time the date ended and he walked me to my car, he turned to me and said, “You are one of the most interesting people I have ever met. I just love talking to you!”
It’s funny—when you let someone else do the talking, you are the one who seems interesting.
A good quality guy will recognize when he has been doing all the talking, and will always turn the conversation back to you. A man who continues to talk about himself as if he were the most interesting man on Earth is probably someone you don’t want to go on a second date with, in my opinion.
Verbal Vomit with a Headache
Because women are such emotional creatures, it’s often hard for us to keep what we’re thinking from coming out of our mouths. If we are nervous, we say we are nervous. If we can’t believe a guy asked us out, we’ll actually tell him we can’t believe he asked us out. Unfortunately, it’s not always a good idea to disclose all the thoughts dancing around in our heads. Just because you are thinking it doesn’t mean you should be talking about it. Especially on a first date.
There are certain things that shouldn’t be discussed when you are starting to get to know someone. For instance, you shouldn’t discuss personal problems that you aren’t exactly over yet. When you complain about a bad situation at home, work, or anywhere else, you could end up giving your date something I call verbal vomit with a headache.
My good friend Isabel recently went through the hardest year of her life. She had bought a second condo as an investment property even though her gut was telling her she couldn’t afford it. After several months of trying to rent it without success, she decided to put it up for sale. The real estate agent she hired assured her they would get a good deal for it, but as the months progressed she had to keep lowering the price. Finally, after having it on the market for almost a year, she went into foreclosure.
I’ve never seen my poor friend such a wreck. Of course, she bounced back, but it took a toll on her emotionally. When she started dating again she was still mentally exhausted from the experience. She said she had a migraine every day that year, and she let her dates know it, too. If a guy brought up anything relating to the housing market, Isabel would unload all her frustration right on his plate. She would tell him how angry she was and how she wanted to strangle her agent. She complained about not being able to eat or sleep and thought she may need therapy due to the whole ordeal. A couple of times, Isabel even ended up crying about it. Her dates sat there not knowing exactly what to say and feeling very uncomfortable.
In the beginning, you really should keep the personal strife in your life private. I know women who talk about their abusive father, eating disorders, pregnancy scares, medication they take, health problems they’ve had, and a million other things that are meant for a therapist, not a first date. If you really want to scare a man off, then go ahead and air all your dirty laundry. But if you want to keep seeing a guy, learn to keep the personal problems to yourself for the time being. When he tells you he had the flu and couldn’t leave the house for a week, don’t tell him about the year you couldn’t get out of bed because of your clinical depression. It’s okay to get personal, as long as you are discussing happy topics, but either way you should still keep the focus on him. Continue to ask him questions about himself, and be sure to KISS all your answers.
KISS Me Through the Phone
My client Mary Beth had a lot of trouble using the KISS Principle. She loved to talk and tell men exactly what was on her mind. After several botched dates, however, she realized that disclosing all her thoughts and feelings was not helping her to build relationships. In fact, it was hurting her significantly. She decided she needed to stop verbal vomiting and went to great lengths in order to let the guys talk more than she did. At first, everything was going well and most of her first dates were calling for seconds and thirds. A huge improvement! Then all of a sudden her success came to a screeching halt. Men who were pursuing her like crazy suddenly lost interest after date three. I didn’t know what to think at first, but then I saw a few e-mails and texts on Mary Beth’s phone and it was all the evidence I needed. She may have mastered KISS in person, but on the phone she was still a wordy wreck. All her e-mails and texts were longer and much more verbose than her would-be dates. If they sent a simple, “How was your day?” text, she would respond with detailed information about everything that had happened in the last eight hours. On the phone, Mary Beth wasn’t KISSing her dates—she was KILLing them.
The KISS Principle isn’t something you only use when you are face-to-face with a guy; it’s a method to use with any form of communication. You have to remember that in the beginning, you are in the getting-to-know-you phase and texting or e-mailing too much can make the other person feel as if you are rushing the relationship. Why else would you be talking so much to a person you don’t know yet? Slow down and pace yourself when it comes to chatting with boys. They want to get to know you, but it has to happen at a gradual pace, otherwise they may abruptly stop contacting you on their own. Overtexting is a bad habit that you have to work to break, so it’s better just to try and avoid forming it in the first place. Keep your texts and e-mails short and simple, regardless of how long and lengthy a guy gets. Yes, it is a sign of high interest when a man is constantly contacting you, but remember you can easily kill that interest by responding in a disproportionate manner.
Don’t KISS and Tell—KISS and Listen
When you are excited about someone, it’s easy to ramble. You are making a connection and bursting to tell him all the things you’re thinking. But what makes a person like you has less to do with what you say and more to do with how you make them feel. People like to feel that they are being heard. They like to feel like their voice matters. Keep that in mind when you are on your dates. Making a good impression isn’t tough, if you know how to listen.
Verbal vomit comes in many forms. Some women are just chatty. Some are afraid of the awkward silence. Some think that the only way for a guy to realize how great they are is to just flat-out tell him, “Hey, I’m great.” Whatever form it comes in doesn’t really matter. All that does matter is keeping it under control and focusing on getting to know the guy you are with. Sit back, relax, and remember if you don’t KISS your date, you will kill it.
When my friend Anne moved to San Francisco, she didn’t know a soul. I admired her strength to pick up and move three thousand miles from home, but I also worried about how she would meet people and regain her social life. After only being out West a few months, she decided to join Match.com. It seemed like the best way to meet guys and get back on the social scene. She posted her profile and began receiving e-mails immediately. After sorting through a slew of messages, she decided to make a date with Patrick, a sous-chef from Los Angeles. He was tall, dark, and handsome with a seemingly good sense of humor. They decided to meet on a Friday night and get a couple of drinks. Now remember as I tell you this story, Anne and Patrick had never met before. In fact, they hadn’t even spoken on the phone.
When Anne walked in and saw Patrick, she was immediately pleased. He was exactly what his profile had stated—yummy! Patrick was excited to meet Anne, too. He thought she was gorgeous. The first encounter was a success. They got a few drinks and the night began.
After their third round, Patrick suggested they get some dinner. They left the bar and headed to a nice restaurant on the Bay. Dinner was delicious and Anne and Patrick were engrossed in conversation for the next three hours. They decided to then go for a walk on the beach. Patrick picked up some champagne and glasses, and they headed out for a midnight picnic. By now Patrick and Anne had been drinking for hours and inhibitions were long gone. They started making out on the beach, and Anne eventually ended up at Patrick’s, where they continued to make out until six in the morning.
The next day Anne was beaming. It was the perfect first date. She was extremely excited and even called to tell me about it. Just as she was in the middle of the story, her other line beeped. “It’s him!” she squealed. “Let me call you right back.” She clicked over and didn’t call me for two days.
Those two days she didn’t call back she spent with Patrick. Basically their first date started Friday and didn’t end until Sunday. The following week Patrick called and asked to see her again. She accepted, of course, and spent that entire weekend with him as well. At some point during their multinight slumber party, they consummated their relationship. Her rationale? She felt like she knew him after spending so much time with him, even if it was only in the span of two weeks. Things were going exactly the way she wanted. She was happy.
Then came the third week, which also became known as the final week. That’s when things got rocky. I’ll skip the unimportant details, but by week three the happy couple was no longer a couple, and Anne was calling me crying and cursing his name. I tried to console her, but eventually I had to tell her that she had done something terribly wrong. She spent way too much time with Patrick in the beginning of the relationship. If it was going so well, she should have pulled back a little more. She shouldn’t have said yes every time he asked her out, and she should have cut the dates shorter. Every time she went out with Patrick, they spent at least twelve hours together. It was relationship overkill, and it destroyed the happy ending they might have had.
Saying No
Even though Patrick kept pursuing Anne and asking her out, she shouldn’t have always accepted. Just because a guy asks you a question doesn’t mean you are required to come back with an affirmative answer. It’s perfectly fine to turn a guy down, and in many instances you may have to in order to keep his interest in the very beginning. “No” is not a dirty word in dating. It’s important not to overexpose yourself by seeing the guy too much in the first couple of months. Even if you are totally falling in love, and he wants to see you every day, in the very beginning, you have to keep a guy wanting more. There is a simple yet effective way to accomplish this, and that is to leave him when things are at their most exciting. It’s called “Ending at the Height of Impulse.” You want to end every date at the appropriate time so that the guy is still thinking about you when you’re gone.
All Good Things Must Come to an End, Quickly
You’ve seen it before, and it always works. It’s why soap operas end at the most exciting point of the show. It’s why Sex and the City ended after only six short seasons, and why George Costanza exited every meeting after a great joke. You always want to leave on a high note. Similarly, you have to leave a man wanting more, and you can’t do that if you never leave. You will have to restrain yourself from spending too much time with a guy in the very beginning. Even if he gets down on his knees and begs you to stay, that is the time that you absolutely need to go.
I know this is hard to do. When you meet a guy who you actually like, and you are feeling good about how things are going, the last thing you want to do is go home. But it truly is the only way to keep him interested. I don’t care if you found your soul mate and he’s different from all the other guys. Don’t let your heart confuse you. If you spend too much time with him right away, he can and will get burned out.
The Danger of Losing Impulse
Back when I was a brand-new sales rep selling phone service, I walked into a lawyer’s office in a small town in southern Virginia. I asked for the head attorney who made all the decisions for the office. I was surprised when they immediately took me back to see him.
His name was Sully. He was a great big man with a great big laugh. He shook my hand and told me to have a seat. He was more than willing to hear what I had to say. I was excited as I gave him my spiel. I knew this deal was in the bag from the Buying Signs he was giving me. Sully broke out the phone bill and we started going over it. He said he was impressed at how much money I could save him. He kept nodding his head yes and told me that the deal sounded great. Right there—that is the Height of Impulse. That is when I should have ended the conversation, pulled out the contract, and closed the deal.
But instead I kept talking. I was enjoying sitting there, building a relationship with him. We got off the subject a couple of times, talking mainly about his kids and his love of fishing. At one point, we even stepped out of the office so that Sully could get in a quick smoke. Eventually I glanced at the clock and realized I had been there for almost two and a half hours. Usually these visits only took about forty-five minutes. I couldn’t waste anymore time. Just as I was about to break out my pen and have Sully put his signature on the deal, he looked at his watch.
“I have to run, Jessica. This deal sounds good, but I just need to think about it a little bit longer. I have to run to a meeting now. Come back next month and see me. We’ll talk then.”
I was crushed. But it was my fault. Had I just closed him when he was at the Height of Impulse, I would have made the sale. But instead I just kept sitting there, talking, letting his impulse drop. When I finally tried to close him, he was no longer excited about the offer. He was just drained from talking for two hours and late for his next meeting.
If you want to turn a new relationship into a long-term one, you are going to have to make Ending at the Height of Impulse a religious practice. Until a guy tells you that he is crazy about you, and you get all the right Buying Signs from him, you should never spend more than a few hours with him. Doesn’t matter how much you like him and how hard it is to leave him, do it. Do it because it’s the only way to get what you want.
After Anne got over Patrick, she got back on Match.com. She understood what she had done wrong and swore on a stack of Bibles she wouldn’t do it again. Her next date was with Cyrus, a mortgage broker who had also moved out West from D.C. He and Anne planned to meet for coffee. Since it was their first meeting, I advised her to keep it short and simple, no matter how well it was going.
Two hours into the date Anne thought about her promise. But just as she was getting ready to thank Cyrus for a good time, he asked her if she wanted to get some dinner with him. She didn’t want to say no, mostly because she was having such a good time, but also because she didn’t want to be rude. What if she turned him down and he became discouraged? What if he never asked her out again? So instead of going home like she should have, she went out to dinner.
Three hours later Anne and Cyrus were drunk, half-naked, and back at his place. They fooled around until two in the morning. Anne didn’t want to repeat the Patrick situation, so she sobered up and drove home instead of sleeping over. But by then, she had already sealed her fate. Cyrus saw her two more times and then never called again.
I know it’s difficult to End at the Height of Impulse, so here’s what I suggest. Before you go on a date, make a promise to yourself that you are not going to stay past a certain time. If it’s a first date, say good night at ten or eleven. If you happen to be on an Internet date, I would limit yourself to only one hour, or two cups of coffee. It’s always better to leave earlier than later, especially when you are just meeting someone for the first time. As the relationship progresses, keep setting time limits—and make sure you do it before you get there and start having a good time.
Once, I was dating an attorney who was also labeled an eternal bachelor. He was a night owl and loved to stay out until the wee hours of the morning. On our third date he took me out to dinner and wanted to stop by a local hot spot where his friends were partying. I had already planned to leave him no later than midnight, so when the clock struck twelve, I told him I was catching a cab home. He, of course, was stunned to hear this. How could I leave in the middle of a party? He begged me not to go. He said he would have his driver take me home anytime I wanted. I told him I had to get up early and couldn’t stay any later. With that, I turned and slipped out the back door.
I was having a great time, but I had a long-term goal. I wanted the attorney to fall head over heels for me. And in order to do that I needed to make sure he kept wanting me even after I left. He never understood why I always left him around midnight. He started calling me Cinderella and asked if he bought me some really expensive Jimmy Choos would I stay out longer? He called me constantly and even consulted my friends about our relationship. Funny enough, the more he pressured, the less interested I became. But nonetheless, the technique worked!
The Impulse Killer
Perhaps the easiest and most fatal trap to fall into is spending the night. You can’t possibly End at the Height of Impulse if you spend the night with your date. If you are sleeping over at his house (or he’s sleeping at yours) after only two or three dates, you will kill any impulse he has to see you again. Now, if he’s your boyfriend who you have been seeing for several months, that’s a slightly different story. But even then, you still shouldn’t spend every night with him. It’s important to let boyfriends miss you too.
When my client Mary Beth finally perfected her KISS Principle and began dating someone, she had been practicing Ending at the Height of Impulse for quite some time. Jonathan was a thirty-four-year-old owner of a graphic design company who liked Mary Beth right away. He asked her to dinner twice before having her over to his house for a home-cooked meal. After enjoying dinner and killing two bottles of wine, Jonathan asked Mary Beth to stay over. As much as she wanted to, she politely said no. Jonathan was a little dumbfounded at first and began listing all the reasons she should stay, including the fact that he didn’t want her to drive home drunk. She agreed that was a bad idea, so she picked up the phone and called a cab.
Mary Beth made the right move. Jonathan called her the very next morning asking if he could take her to breakfast and bring her back to her car.
Mary Beth didn’t spend the night with Jonathan for almost two months. It wasn’t until Jonathan asked her to be his girlfriend that she finally obliged and stayed over at his house. Ending at the Height of Impulse paid off in dividends.
It is much too hard to resist the urge to sleep over if you haven’t already made the promise to yourself that you are going home. Don’t do what most girls do. They tell themselves they will make a decision later in the evening after seeing how they feel. The problem is that it always feels good! It never feels like you should go home. But that is exactly the point when you should put your shoes on and skedaddle.
It’s vital to a salesperson’s success to know when to close a customer. Close too late and they get bored and start to wish you would just leave. There is a reason the saying is “timing is everything” and not “timing is most things.” Timing really is everything, and it is within your control. Even if he is singing your praises, you have to resist the urge to stay. If he is begging you not to leave, that just means you are doing the right thing. Don’t deviate from the strategy. If you can discipline yourself to go when the going gets hot, you will see just how hot a guy gets going!
Ever wonder why so many married women say, “When I met my husband, I wasn’t even interested in him.” Or, “I would have never noticed my husband, but he chased me down and made me go out with him.” It’s funny to hear stories like that, but it’s also very telling.
When my friend Julie was single she was trying desperately to date her future husband’s best friend. It was a classic triangle. George, her future husband, was in love with her, and she was in love with his best friend, Layne. Julie wasn’t interested in George, but she liked him a lot as a friend. They would have lunch, go shopping, or just hang out and talk. George could see how smart, funny, and wonderful Julie was because she wasn’t trying to date him. She didn’t come on strong and hang on his every word. She didn’t rush to answer his every text. She wasn’t worried if she had to decline an invitation, and wasn’t afraid to say no to him. She was indifferent. She liked hanging out with him but she didn’t feel like she was going to die if she didn’t see him. And because she didn’t have romantic feelings for him, she never got mad at him for not calling on time or going out with other girls. That natural indifference was what enabled George to see Julie for who she really was, and allowed him to fall in love with her.
Now if you ask Layne, he will tell you he saw a very different girl in Julie. This girl was not indifferent. Quite the opposite. She always seemed to pop up wherever he was and constantly vied for his attention. If there was ever an opportunity to hang out with him, she made sure she was there. She tried everything she could think of to get Layne to like her. But it didn’t work. Layne perceived Julie as clingy and flat-out annoying and thus was never able to see the good qualities George did. After many months of cat and mouse, George finally convinced Julie to give up on Layne and give him a chance. After dating for two years, Julie and George got married. They now have an adorable little boy and she is pregnant again.
Some women end up marrying men they aren’t initially interested in because they are naturally indifferent with them in the early stages. They are essentially able to be themselves instead of googly-eyed teenagers, high on emotion. They don’t show the guy their deep-rooted feelings early on, simply because they don’t have any! But you don’t have to marry the guy who wears you down. You can learn how to close the deal with the guy you like right away.
Neediness
Before we talk about how and why it’s important to be indifferent with the guy you really like, we need to understand why you may have such a difficult time doing it. The answer can be summed up in one word: neediness. If you are needy, you cannot possibly be indifferent. Neediness is, without a doubt, the most unattractive quality a woman can display.
What exactly is neediness? It is obvious to the most casual observer but often not to a needy woman. Ask yourself these questions: Have you ever been afraid to confront your boyfriend about something that bothers you? Do you always do what he wants to do? Do you make yourself available for him at any cost? Is it okay that he never says how he feels about you, or tells you he loves you? Do you compromise on the things that you want the most? If you have answered yes to these things, you could very well be needy. A great example is my friend Ebony. After telling me for years that she wanted to get married and have children, she decided that she really didn’t want to when her boyfriend told her that living together and getting a dog was the same thing, minus the hassle. That is what I call needy.
Most needy women don’t even realize that they are needy. Never have any of my needy clients admitted to me that they need a relationship to be happy, but their actions prove the contrary. They can start off strong, but somewhere in the dating process they lose their independence. The indifferent attitude suddenly dissipates, and they become desperate for the guy to like them.
The first thing you have to do is ask yourself if you are needy. You can’t solve a problem if you can’t admit you have one in the first place. Most women believe that because they have good jobs and make their own money that they are independent, and therefore, are certainly not needy. But neediness has nothing to do with financial instability. It is an emotional insecurity that some women mistakenly think can be fixed by a relationship.
So how can you tell if you are one of the needy ones? If you have ever said one of the following phrases, either out loud or to yourself, you may be a needy girl:
“I think if I were married or had a boyfriend, I would be happier.”
“I just don’t like being single.”
“I am a ‘relationship person.’ I just like being in a relationship.”
“I fall in love very easily.”
While these are some examples of things that women will say, more often than not it’s what they do that pegs them as needy. If you are the kind of person who is always in a serious relationship, then you could be needy. I have friends that “relationship hop,” meaning when they detect that their serious relationship is on the decline, they immediately run out and find another serious relationship to jump into. They don’t want to date casually or fill the funnel because they like the security that comes with a long-term boyfriend. Relationship hoppers get seriously involved very quickly. They move at the speed of light, taking the relationship from zero to sixty in a matter of weeks. Most hoppers think it’s a good sign if the relationship moves this fast, but the reality is that they have now committed themselves to a man they hardly know. As the relationship progresses, the hopper may realize the guy is not exactly what she thought he was, but she can’t bring herself to end things and go back to being single. She may not have the relationship she wants, but at least she has a relationship.
Most everyone will admit that they prefer being in a relationship. At some point in life, everyone dreams of finding true love. So hoping to find the man of your dreams does not necessarily mean that you are needy. The difference between people with a healthy understanding of relationships and needy people is that needy people are willing to compromise and rationalize a subpar relationship because they would rather not be alone. They may tell themselves that it’s their fault that things aren’t going well. They are too critical or nitpicky. They often become the unhappiest of people because they are not in the right relationship, and it is not fulfilling their real needs. These are all signs of neediness, and if they sound familiar to you, it may be time to accept it and start dealing with it.
It’s very important to understand that a relationship is not a solution to a problem. Many women think they would be happy if they were married or at least seriously involved with someone. Inevitably, women who think this way find out what true unhappiness really is. Instead of being single and alone, five years later they end up divorced, with a two-year-old, no job, and single again. A relationship based on neediness does not solve problems; it compounds them.
If you are depending on a man to make you happy, think about what kind of pressure that puts on him. No guy is going to want to be with a woman who cannot be happy on her own. The truth is that almost every woman has the ability to take care of herself and find fulfillment. Before you can find a man to share your life with, you will absolutely have to learn to be happy by yourself. It may take extensive coaching or even therapy to get you to that place, but I encourage you to work on whatever specific issues may be keeping you from feeling happy with yourself and your life. If you don’t get to the core of the issue and address it head on, you will never find yourself in a truly fulfilling relationship. In the meantime, I can tell you how to act so that you don’t seem needy and end up scaring off a great guy—or worse, locking yourself into a bad relationship.
The Most Powerful Tool You Have
There is an old sales story about indifference. Back in the late eighties, two computer salesmen from competing companies went to a large technology convention. They set up their booths across from each other and prepared themselves for a busy day. The convention was packed with people. Many wandered by and glanced at the salesmen’s displays, but no one stopped to ask any questions. Back then, hardly anyone owned a computer and no one thought they could afford it. Finally, after a long day of no prospects, the convention ended. Both salesmen were disappointed. Not a single person stopped by either of their booths.
Just as they started to pack up, two women approached the first salesperson’s booth. At long last, a potential buyer! The salesperson was so excited. After a long day of standing on his feet, he had an opportunity to make a sale. He thought about how much he needed the money, and he eagerly made his presentation. He told the ladies that they wouldn’t regret purchasing his product. Satisfaction was guaranteed! When they said they were going to think about it, the salesperson became even more desperate. He didn’t want to lose his only prospect of the day. He began to reiterate the value of his computer and how much he would appreciate their business.
But his enthusiasm didn’t convince them. The ladies thanked the first salesperson and walked away from his booth. The second salesperson had watched all of this transpire and knew this was his chance. The women walked over to his booth, but instead of dropping everything and giving them a lively welcome, he continued packing up his display. He politely told the ladies he wished they had gotten there earlier because he would have had time to go over his fabulous product. But he had another appointment early the next day and had to get home to prepare. Upon hearing this, the ladies became even more interested. This man didn’t need their business. He has customers buying from him all the time. His product must be good. They begged him to take just a moment and go over his presentation for them. The salesman, of course, obliged.
After he made his pitch, the ladies seemed interested. They asked questions and debated on price. The salesperson knew that he just needed to tip them over the fence. He looked at both of them and said, “Look, ladies, this is a great computer. It’s going to give you just what you need. But my time is precious, so if you want to buy it—that’s great. If not, I am going to have to finish packing up now.”
He looked them both dead in the eye and said nothing. The women looked at each other and then back at the salesperson.
“We’ll take it,” they said.
Never Let Him See You Sweat
As bad as a salesperson needs to make a sale, we cannot show that to the customer. We have to make customers want our product, and that won’t happen if they sense we need them to buy it. We know that customers are evaluating our product, and if they perceive us as being anxious for a sale, they will start having second thoughts. They will wonder, Why is this person so eager for me to buy? Is it because no one else has? Am I the only person who has shown interest? Why is this salesperson so needy?
If a man perceives you as anxious for a relationship or just generally overly interested in him within the first several dates, he will wonder the same thing. The only way to combat neediness is to act indifferent. Just like the second salesperson, you too have to convey the take-it-or-leave-it attitude. You must have the mentality that if this person doesn’t buy it, someone else surely will because your product is just that good. When a customer (or a man) sees that, the product instantly becomes more attractive.
The trick is to keep your indifference at the most crucial times. When the second salesperson saw that the ladies were still undecided, he knew they could have gone either way. He was smart though. Instead of acting out of desperation, he fought back his need for the sale and poured on more indifference. He never let the women see him sweat.
There will be times when you will feel the urge to act out of neediness, too. Things may not be going in your favor, and your natural reaction may be to hold on even tighter, or worse, beg to get your way. But remember, you can never convince someone to want you by saying how much you need them. No matter what, you must keep your indifference. You, too, can never let him see you sweat.
Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold, but Just Right
Terri and Kim were two friends I counseled last summer. They both had trouble keeping men interested. Their relationships never lasted more than a few weeks. The funny thing was they both took the complete opposite approach with men. Terri was afraid that men wouldn’t like her if she didn’t seem totally interested in them. She told me point-blank, “I’m afraid if I don’t give a guy 100 percent of my attention, he will think I’m not interested and then he won’t be interested. I feel like I need to show a guy how much I like him because that is what I would want him to do.”
On the other hand, Kim always acted completely disinterested in men. She would play hard to get and would often get mad at them for little things in an effort to keep them in pursuit. But the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference, and her tactics started wearing guys thin. Eventually they grew tired of her cold, hard exterior and believed her to be just bitchy in general.
Kim and Terri didn’t realize it but they were both ruining their own chances for a relationship. Terri was too hot, showing too much affection from the very start, and Kim was too cold, acting completely disinterested and snobbish. Instead of sitting at opposite ends of the spectrum, they both needed to move toward the middle.
You want to convey to a man that you like him, yes, but if the relationship doesn’t happen, so what? You’ll move on and be just fine. That is what indifference truly is. Not too hot, not too cold, just right.
Seeming Indifferent
As I said before, there will be times when it is vitally important to be indifferent. Typically, that moment comes when you are either waiting to hear from a guy or when he seems to be pulling away from you. I remember when I started dating my husband I would almost go crazy waiting to hear from him. After our first date he dropped me off at my apartment and told me he would call me, but he never said when, so I had no idea what time or day to expect his call. He also never texted me with the typical after-the-date follow-up text, which I also was not used to. As I paced around my apartment the next day, I had a momentary lapse in judgment and found myself contemplating texting him first! Thank goodness I didn’t. My phone eventually rang that evening, and even though I really wanted to pick up and tell him how much I enjoyed our date and wanted to see him again, I instead sent him straight to voice mail. It was a hard thing to do, but I wanted to seem indifferent. If I picked up right away and gushed about our date, he would have known how excited I was about him, and since we had only been on one date, it was not the time to do that.
I believe that the best way to incorporate just the right amount of indifference is to not answer your phone or immediately return a text for the first several weeks of dating. Whenever you are dating someone new, I advise waiting twenty-four hours before texting or calling them back. This may sound like a really long time to not respond, but think about how long you waited to hear from the guy in the first place. If you have waited two days to hear from him, is it really so cruel to make him wait a day to hear back from you? If you continue to wait and intermittently return his messages, you will also protect yourself from the dreaded pull-away that some men regularly demonstrate.
April, who is thirty-five, has had trouble with men her whole life. Her biggest problem is that she is super impatient and cannot stand to wait to hear from someone. So when she started dating Drew, a thirty-six-year-old government contractor, I knew that it was very likely that she would scare him away with her neediness within a matter of weeks.
At first things were going well and Drew texted or called April at least every other day. On the days he did not call or text, he would send her an e-mail or a funny forward. Then it happened. Drew skipped a day of contact, and April called me freaking out.
“He always contacts me every other day!” she cried, “but today, nothing. Nothing all day. I have not heard from him in two days now. What should I do?” she whined.
“You shouldn’t do anything,” I told her. “This is what I’ve been talking about, April. When something changes and you think a guy might be pulling away, you should not run after him. This is when you really practice indifference,” I told her.
“Do nothing? Just wait to hear from him?”
“Yes. Then when you do, do not answer the phone. You need to make him wait a little while to hear back from you now,” I pointed out.
“That is so difficult for me, Jess. I just want to call him and make sure we are still okay. I don’t know if I can wait to hear from him, let alone wait a day to call him back if I do,” she said.
“Well, you can do it your way, April, but your way has not worked well in the past,” I reminded her.
April thought about it and decided I was right. Although it was extremely hard for her to do, she waited to hear from Drew. He finally called the next day and she let it go to voice mail. When he didn’t hear back from her that night, guess what he did? He called again! He left another message saying he was worried that she was mad at him for not calling earlier. When April called Drew back, she was as sweet as pie, and they picked up right where they left off.
When you learn to add just a little indifference into your dating life, the reward will always outweigh the risk. It may be hard to resist answering a call or quick text, but even if you can hold off replying for a few hours, it will help you to convey a more confident persona. Guys want to date women who like them, yes, but they don’t want to date women who they feel need them in order to function.
Playing Your Cards Right
You have to give the impression that you really are indifferent . . . at least for a little while. When you are just getting to know someone, you may find he does things a little differently from how you would do them, or he may live life in a way that doesn’t exactly gel with yours. It is not your job to react to these things in the beginning. Instead, you should just observe and learn. Freaking out over small stuff and questioning a man to death is not being indifferent. If he goes out of town, for instance, and doesn’t call you, file that away in the back of your mind as a data point about him. He may not be as reliable as you think, and that is something that is good to know. You have to figure out if he is the right type of person for you to be with, and you cannot evaluate that if you immediately attempt to conform him to your way of doing things.
Do not yell and scold him for anything he does in the first couple of months. He’s not your boyfriend yet, and you don’t have the right to kick and scream anyway. You have to be cool, calm, and relaxed in order to seem indifferent, and to allow him to be who he really is. Anything less than that shows too much emotion too soon. Think of it like playing poker. You may have a full house, but if you let everyone at the table know it, you are going to lose. You need a good poker face. That way you can get what you want and take home the jackpot, or, if necessary, fold your hand and start again.
Don’t tell a guy that you are doing any of these things on purpose. Sometimes women get nervous and actually confess the reason they are playing it cool. That’s like announcing that you are about to bluff in the middle of a game. Don’t tell him what’s really going on when you use any of these techniques. You want him to think it’s because you are still on the fence about him and he needs to win you over. You don’t want to tell him it’s because you read this book. If you tell him you are doing all these things on purpose, with an agenda, he really will think you are playing a game.
Launching Your Relationship
If you only learn one lesson from this book, let this be it. It’s by far the most important to understand and utilize. For a relationship to go from casual to serious, both involved people have to feel the same way about each other at exactly the same time. So if you give off the vibe you are ready for a relationship before he does, you will be making a very bad play. Think of it like launching a spaceship where the pilot and the navigator have to turn their keys at precisely the same moment. Because most people don’t fall in love at the exact same moment, many relationships fail to launch because one person arrives early to the ship and jams in a key, while the other person is still en route to the launch pad. Don’t be that eager person. You will ultimately scare the guy off by showing him how you feel before he does. It may be what you want to do, but I promise you will end up alone waiting on the tarmac. The best thing to do is to remain indifferent—or at least act as if you are. If you feel yourself on the road to the launch pad, pull over into the cell phone waiting area!
Ask any salesperson and they will tell you that 90 percent of communication with their customers is nonverbal. When I would sit down with customers, I’d listen to what they would tell me, but I also paid very close attention to their body language. I have met with customers who have verbally told me that they love my product. However, their body language tells me that they aren’t really sold yet. Maybe they have their arms crossed, maybe they won’t look me in the eye, maybe it’s just the expression on their face. There are so many nonverbal clues that are dead giveaways to what a person is really thinking. It is much more important to read those signs because people often cater to what they say, but it is really hard to fake body language. Body language will always give you the true story.
The Not-So-Cozy Couple
While my friend, Elsa, and I were at dinner one night, I noticed a couple sitting to our right. The girl was a very cute blonde and the guy was a preppy Zac Efron–type. Their body language could not have been more different. He was sitting back with one arm perched on the back of the chair. His other arm rested comfortably in front of him. He seemed distracted and was constantly looking around the room at people nearby. The girl, on the other hand, was fixated on the guy. She was leaning over most of the table to hold his hand. She rubbed his arm lovingly, while he scratched at a spot on his shirt. I turned to Elsa to point them out.
“See that couple over there?” I motioned. “See how the girl is so much more interested in him than he is into her?”
Elsa glanced over. “Wow! She’s practically climbing over the table to hold his hand. Meanwhile, he is just relaxing back in his chair, not looking terribly impressed with her.”
Just as we were wrapping up the conversation, the guy turned toward us and said, “You girls want to share what you’ve been saying about us for the last ten minutes?”
My face must have turned beet red. I was totally caught off guard, but worst of all, what was I going to say? “Oh, I was just noticing how your girlfriend is totally in love with you, but you seem to be more interested in the stain on your tie”?
“Oh, um . . . I am writing a book, and I usually observe couples,” I blurted out. “I like to guess by their body language what their relationship is like.”
The girl sat up in her chair. She hadn’t noticed at all that we had been talking about them. She was too busy staring into Zac’s dreamy, noncommittal eyes.
“Oh how fun! What did you notice about us?”
“Well . . .” I stammered. “I noticed that you guys have probably been in a relationship for a very long time.”
“We have!” she exclaimed. “I just moved here a few months ago from Texas to be with him. It was a surprise.”
I could tell by the look on the guy’s face, it was more shock than surprise.
“Well, that’s great. Long distance is hard. I’m sure he’s glad to have you as a roommate now,” I said jokingly.
“Actually, we don’t live together yet,” the girl said, seeming embarrassed. “But I think that’s going to change soon. Right, honey?”
The guy sat up and loosened his tie. “Well, uh. I think we need to still talk a little more about that actually.”
The girl looked at him as if he had just insulted her mother.
“What do you mean, we need to talk about that? I thought we settled that. I move fifteen hundred miles to be closer to you, and you still want to have distance between us?”
I quickly grabbed the check and paid the bill. Elsa and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I had just triggered a fight, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. Maybe if she had listened to his body language, she would have seen it coming. But it was clear. She wasn’t aware of nonverbals. Not his, and not her own.
Some salespeople are so desperate to make a sale that they may as well have a sign posted on their forehead. They never tell the customer how much they need their business, but it’s obvious from the look in their eyes or the expression on their face. You, too, can unknowingly communicate to a man that you are longing to find love, or even just uncertain of yourself. A few twirls of your hair or bites of your nails, and the smell of eagerness and insecurity will be palpable. Even though Kristen Stewart made lip biting look cool, try and remember you are not likely to be going out with a vampire anytime soon. You want to convey confidence and self-assuredness on your dates, and that requires paying close attention to your body language. I know it’s not always easy to do. You have so many things to remember while dating that you could go crazy if you think about them all at once. In fact, too much thinking is the very thing that can cause you to forget to pay attention to your body behavior. Luckily for you, there is an easy way to keep your nonverbal communication under tight control.
Years ago, while out with my girlfriends one night, I met a very attractive guy. His name was Kevin, and he was classic tall, dark, and handsome. Just from the look of him, I knew that he could have his pick of women. He asked for my number that night and we set up a date for the following week.
I met Kevin for drinks at a hotel bar in Dupont Circle. We had only discussed having drinks, which was fine with me. I didn’t want to be stuck having dinner if the date didn’t go well, and I knew he felt the same way. When I walked in and saw him, I was immediately excited. He was a lot cuter than I remembered, and I remembered him being pretty cute. But, because of this, I reminded myself that a lot of other women probably found him attractive, too, so I knew I had to play it cool. I wasn’t concerned about saying the right things, but I knew that I had to watch my body language. It was rare for me to be so initially attracted to someone I hardly knew, and I didn’t want to blow the date before it even got started.
I remembered an old trick I used during meetings with clients. It’s called the Mirror Theory. If I wanted a customer to be completely comfortable, and me not to seem desperate for them to buy, I would mirror their body language. However they were sitting or standing, I would mirror. If they were talking fast or slow, I would mirror. Whatever nonverbals they were giving me, I would reflect the same back.
When Kevin and I were sitting at the bar, he had his whole body turned toward me. I mirrored that and sat with my whole body turned toward him. When he sat back, I sat back. When he leaned in, I leaned in. After sitting at the bar for an hour, he asked me if we could continue our date over dinner.
We walked to a sushi place nearby, and Kevin grabbed my hand. I made a joke about him being a fast mover. He dropped my hand and looked disappointed. I laughed and told him he could hold my hand, I didn’t mind. Then I gave him a flirty smile, and he picked up my hand again.
At dinner I continued to use the Mirror Theory. When he was smiling, I was smiling. When he was serious, I was serious. Halfway through our meal, he stopped midsentence and told me something that validated every move I had made up to that point.
“I have to admit, I am a little intimidated by you,” he said. “Most of the girls I go out with, I can tell within minutes that they are totally into me. But with you, I can’t tell just how much you like me yet. That’s odd for me.”
“How can you tell when other girls are into you?” I asked.
“Well, they sort of hang on my every word. They giggle a little too much. They think everything I say is funny, even when it’s not. They look at me like they are dying for me to kiss them. I don’t get any of that from you. I feel like you are smarter than the average bear. Like I said, it is a little intimidating, but I am totally up for the challenge. In fact, I find it extremely refreshing.”
Kevin had no clue that all I had been doing that night was mirroring his every move. All he knew was he wanted to see me again.
Mirror, Mirror on the Date
Using the Mirror Theory is a safe way to keep yourself in check throughout your date. It will prevent you from coming on too strong and seeming too interested too soon. It will also prevent you from coming off too cold, which a lot of girls do because they are so afraid of being transparent. Remember, guys want to know that you like them; they just don’t want to think you love them. At least not yet. Using Mirror Theory will have your body language just right.
In addition to his body language, you also want to pay attention to a guy’s tone of voice and facial expressions. Maybe you didn’t tell him how you think he walks on water, but the sound of your voice or look on your face did. Some women think that sounding like Paris Hilton and putting on a “baby voice” is cute and sexy, but the truth is that it’s unattractive and could give a guy the impression you aren’t that smart. Besides, most of the time people use that voice to talk to children and animals. This is a man, not a Shar-Pei. You want to come off confident, smart, and sophisticated. You don’t want to talk like a two-year-old. Some women talk like this on purpose and others don’t even realize they are doing it, so try to be conscious of your tone of voice at all times.
Although I’m a firm believer that you are never fully dressed without a smile, some girls overdress for the occasion. On a first date you want to keep a pleasant smile on your face, but you don’t have to plaster on a constant grin for a man to know you are having a good time. Laughing at his jokes is always recommended, but be conscious of the fact that you don’t want to laugh at everything he says simply because you are nervous. Smile and laugh when he does. Mirror the look on his face. Try not to beam at him as if you are staring into your future and you like what you see. Watch him, mirror his body language, and you will be just fine.
Mirror, Mirror on the Phone
Mirror Theory is something you can use even when you aren’t on dates. You can apply it when you are communicating on the phone or over e-mail. Just as we talked about the KISS Principle earlier, you want to make sure you aren’t too overeager off the bat, so use Mirror Theory to clue you in on how and when to respond to a man’s e-mails or text messages. If he takes an hour to text you, for instance, wait an hour to respond back. If his e-mails are quick and to the point, mirror him and write back in the same manner. The only time to be careful of mirroring a guy is if he starts coming on too strong. You don’t want to mirror everything he does. If he starts blowing up your phone and filling your inbox with texts, that does not give you the green light to do the same. You still have to keep in mind that building a relationship takes time, and if the guy is trying to rush that in the beginning, it does not mean you should just let him. You want him to be calling and texting you more than you are calling or texting him. Don’t be afraid to pump the brakes. It will just provide a little more of a challenge, which he will surely enjoy!
Remember, when you start dating someone new, he may not feel the way you do yet, so it’s always better to play it cool. By using the Mirror Theory, you are taking interest cues from your date, and you can’t show too much interest if you are just mirroring his.
When I was nineteen, I was head over heels for my best friend Elliot. He and I worked together promoting various nightclubs. For years I pined away for him while he romanced other women. They came and went, but I remained a constant. Always by his side, always there when he needed me. I thought of myself like his girlfriend; he thought of me like a little sister. I was always careful not to flirt with men around him. I didn’t want him to think I was unavailable in case he suddenly decided he was in love and couldn’t live without me.
After years of patiently waiting, I decided I’d had enough. My prayers had fallen on deaf ears, and Elliot was never going to come around. As hard as it was to accept, I knew I would have to move on. While Elliot was away on summer break, I met Philip. Philip was a handsome French American who really liked me. Wherever we went, women would comment on my delicious piece of arm candy. And while I certainly had an affinity for Philip, I still harbored feelings for Elliot.
The night Elliot returned from summer vacation, he threw a party at our club. Usually I would show up with girlfriends, but this time I brought Philip with me. As I approached the front door, Elliot greeted me with a huge bear hug. “Hi, gorgeous!” he exclaimed. “How have you been?”
He hadn’t yet realized I came with the Lacoste model standing to my right. Suddenly I lost my nerve and wanted to push Philip into the bushes so I wouldn’t have to explain him. But before I could find a shrub big enough to hide him, Philip extended his hand.
“Hi, you must be Elliot. I’m Philip.”
Elliot went from excitement to confusion. He shook Philip’s hand and then looked at me askance.
“Well, seems like you’ve been busy while I was away,” he said.
I didn’t know what to say, so I shrugged. Elliot looked at me for a minute and then lifted the velvet rope for Philip and me.
“I’ll see you guys inside,” he said.
Philip and I settled at a table with some friends. Elliot came over a couple of times to say hello, and each time Philip seemed to take his cue and kiss me. I could tell Elliot was a little weirded-out by the whole thing. Never in the two years that I knew him had he seen me with another guy. I was dying to run after him and scream, “I don’t like Philip! I’m sorry! Let’s go back to the way it used to be!” But then I remembered: the way it used to be wasn’t any better than this. I ordered another drink, wishing I were twenty-one so I could dull the pain with something stronger than a Shirley Temple.
At the end of the night we all stood outside. Philip was tired and wanted to go home. I told him I would catch a ride with someone else since I wanted to go to the after-hours party. As he leaned in to kiss me, I saw Elliot watching from the corner of my eye.
As soon as Philip left, Elliot grabbed me.
“You’re staying out?” he asked.
“Yeah, if that’s okay?” I said puzzled.
Elliot smiled and took my hand. He yelled to one of his friends that we would meet him at the late-night spot.
Elliot held my hand as we walked to the car, something he had never done before. He opened my door to let me in. I turned to thank him and suddenly before I knew what was even happening, he was kissing me! Elliot and I were kissing! Right there in the parking lot. I couldn’t believe it. He pulled backed, looked deep into my eyes, and then said, “You’re not really into that guy are you?”
That was the night I learned about the Jones Effect.
What Is the Jones Effect?
The Jones Effect is the highly proven theory that you want what other people have. That is why you will often hear salespeople say, “Everyone is buying one of these. In fact, I sold one to your neighbor yesterday.” We know if you think other people are buying, you will want to buy, too. The Jones Effect is so powerful it can take even the most unlikely product and turn it into a bestseller. Remember that old eighties movie Can’t Buy Me Love? Patrick Dempsey played Ronald Miller, a geeky high school student who mowed lawns and had a crush on the captain of the cheerleaders. He was such a social outcast that he sat in the visiting section at football games. Not only did girls not like him, they didn’t even acknowledge his existence.
Then he had a brilliant idea! Ronald, who had always dreamed of being well-liked, paid popular girl Cindy Mancini $1,000 to go out with him in the hopes that it would boost his social standing. Cindy doubted Ronald’s popularity plan and scoffed, “Just going out with me is not going to make you popular.” To which Ronald replied, “Well, I have a thousand dollars that says it will.”
He was right. After one month of pseudodating, Cindy and Ronald annulled their fake relationship and Ronald became the hottest item on the school’s menu. Every girl wanted to date the guy who had gone from geek to chic. Ronald was a social leper until Cindy came along. But with her approval, the entire student body had a sudden change of heart.
Why is the Jones Effect so effective in convincing people they like something? Why do we need social proof that others feel the way we do? Right or wrong, it’s human nature to believe if someone else likes what we like, it validates it as being good.
Most of my friends have never heard of the Jones Effect, and if they have, they don’t know how to use it. We often don’t want the guy we like to think we’re into (or going out with) someone else because we think that he may get discouraged and give up on us. But that is honestly a misconception. Guys who are genuinely interested in you won’t give up without trying first, and they won’t see you as liking someone else (although it’s not always a bad thing to make them worry that you might). All a guy sees is someone else wanting you, and that is a good thing. Other men should want you. You are a desirable woman who men would kill to be with, and he needs to know that. Seeing you talk to another man will not deter him from pursuing you. On the contrary, it will only fuel the fire if you do it right.
Keep Him Jonesing
When you begin dating someone, it’s perfectly fine for him to think you are out with other men. It’s okay to talk about your male friends, because he should know that they exist. You are too cute and funny to not have any men in your life. Don’t feel the need to always explain where you are and who you are with. You want him to question if you have another date. If he says something to you about it, you can always come back with, “I didn’t realize we were only dating each other exclusively. I’m sorry, should we talk about it?”
You should chat to and be friendly with men around you, even if it’s just the waiter or doorman. As the relationship progresses, you can tone it down, but you don’t want to let it go completely. Men are competitive by nature, and they like feeling as if they have a woman that other men want.
Jones Effect = Attractive
Think about how many times you have been affected by the Jones Effect. When you find out a guy has a girlfriend or see a ring on his finger, don’t you automatically find him slightly more attractive? Of course you do—because someone else has him. He is desirable to at least one other person. Don’t go stealing someone else’s boyfriend now that I’ve pointed that out. All I am saying is that if you have absolutely no one wanting you, what does that say? Don’t hide the fact that you have guy friends. You don’t have to ignore other guys at a party. Don’t be afraid to let him see you interact or talk with members of the opposite sex. Unless he’s very insecure, it will not prevent him from liking you. Don’t be obvious about it, but don’t hide it either.
But Be Warned . . .
Now a word of caution: the Jones Effect must be used with kid gloves. You don’t want to overdo it. There are women who go overboard with their use of the Jones Effect. I have a friend who flirts like crazy with other guys when she’s out with her boyfriend. She loves to make him jealous. Every time they go out together, she starts flirting with the waiter, the bartender, the man in line for the restroom, and anyone else she comes in contact with. She becomes very touchy-feely with them too. I’ve seen her sit on a random guy’s lap in an effort to get a rise out of her boyfriend. He knows what she is doing and it creates a lot of drama between them. That’s not using the Jones Effect; that’s abusing it.
There is a difference between being friendly with guys and overtly flirting with them. You don’t want to give men the wrong idea or the impression that you are interested in them when you are not, especially if you are on a date with someone else. There is a fine line here. If you are unsure of using this technique with guys, incorporate it with women, too. If you make new female friends as well as male ones, you will just be seen as friendly to everyone.
Don’t drop too many boy names when it comes to the Jones Effect either. If you are always talking about your friend Mike who likes you, or your coworker Bob who calls you too much, you will be perceived as boastful and arrogant. Used wisely, the Jones Effect can be a good tool. Used foolishly, however, it can be deadly.