By the time I finished my first full year in medical device sales, I had achieved 120 percent of my quota. This shocked a lot of people. My assigned target of $2.1 million in revenue hadn’t been met by the previous sales rep for years, and no one thought a young, inexperienced saleswoman was going to do any better. When I attended the national sales meeting, I was congratulated by my coworkers (who all happened to be men). When the commotion finally settled down, I decided to relax by the pool with my good friend Lou. Lou had been a medical sales rep for more than six years. This year, like the last year, he had just missed his quota. As we sat by the pool talking numbers, I wondered how it was that I outsold him by almost a million dollars. Here he was, a seasoned rep that knew the product better and had stronger relationships with his customers. Yet he was beaten by a young rookie that had no prior medical experience. Lou and I talked almost every day, so I knew he was a hard worker. He seemed to get up earlier and work later than I did. And he was always in a hospital or at least driving to one, so I knew he wasn’t sitting at home. So how in the world had I closed more deals than he did?
Before I even got the question out of my mouth, Lou was already answering it.
“Prospecting,” he said. “I hate it. I don’t do it. I may go to hospitals every day, but they are hospitals that have already bought from me, or hospitals where I know people really well. I never go to new hospitals and look for new business. I hate introducing myself to people that I don’t know and asking if they need anything. I just want them to call me. I don’t like stepping out of my comfort zone.”
I thought about what Lou was saying, and it made perfect sense. Unlike him, I prospected every week. I would spend days at a hospital that didn’t have my equipment, introducing myself and making new contacts. I was always trying to find new business, whereas he was just maintaining what he already had. That reason alone is why I outsold Lou. Prospecting is a necessary and essential part of success in sales. However, it’s also one of the most important factors in dating.
My sister Lisa and I could be twins. We’re the same height, weight, and thanks to Feria 205 color treatment, we now have the same hair color. We also have very similar personalities and senses of humor. Years ago we happened to break up with our boyfriends at exactly the same time. Right away I thought, This is great! We will be single together and keep each other company! However, Lisa immediately started going on ten times as many dates as I did. She had a date at least twice a week, whereas I was lucky if I had one date a month. What was the reason? She went prospecting. Lisa dedicated two nights a week to looking for potential guys. She would attend happy hours, work functions, and restaurant openings. Not only that, Lisa also made sure to try new places. She hardly ever went to the same place twice, unless she found it to be a good place to fish for men. Meanwhile, I was going out to the same bars and clubs with my friends. Just like Lou, I did what was easy instead of what was smart. My philosophy was, “Let’s go where we have fun, and if something comes up, great. If not, that’s okay.” And that’s a fine attitude to have, but it’s not conducive to finding a man. Within six months my sister met the guy who would later become her husband, while I was still very single.
If you are ready to have a relationship and would like to get married in the next three to five years, it’s time to get serious and put some more effort into prospecting. I hate to tell you this, but fate won’t deposit a boyfriend on your doorstep anymore than it would have sold my equipment for me. If I wanted to make quota, I had to get out there and make it happen. I had to meet new people, introduce myself, and show them what I had to offer. If you really want a relationship, you are going to have to do the same thing. I know it’s uncomfortable to put yourself out there—believe me, prospecting was not my favorite thing either. But if you want to find The One, you have to accept the fact that you will need to put some time and effort into looking for him.
Lauren, who has been single for five years, hates going out. She would much rather rent movies or cook dinner for her friends. She wants to meet someone and get married, but the problem is, she doesn’t really do anything to help her cause. She just complains about never meeting anyone.
One day I said to her, “Lauren, where do you think you are going to meet someone? In your stairwell? You never go out and put yourself in a situation where you could meet anyone. He’s not going to come knocking on your door, you know. You have to take matters into your own hands. You have to put yourself in a position to meet people. You need to get out more, and you should definitely put yourself online.”
“I just don’t think online dating works,” she complained. “And I went out all last year and never met anyone. All the guys around here are either workaholics or party boys. I’m not going to find anyone intellectually stimulating in a bar. So why go out at all? I’m happier at home.”
“Just because you didn’t find anyone last year does not mean you won’t find anyone this year. You have to keep going. In sales we have a saying: Every no brings you closer to a yes. If you always went to the same bars and saw the same people, of course you didn’t find anyone. You never went anywhere new, so you never met anyone new. If you really think all the men around here aren’t worth your time, then by all means, go ahead and stay home. But please don’t complain about it. It won’t help you find a guy, and it won’t change your situation.”
Lauren knew I was right. If she wanted to get married, she would have to start creating opportunities to meet men. Like many women, she was holding on to the old adage that love would strike when she least expected it, and it was seriously hurting her chances.
The idea that we don’t have to do anything and the man of our dreams will find us is just not realistic. If that’s how you think, you need to put down the Nora Roberts novel and come back to real life. Men and women these days are extremely busy. If you don’t put the effort into looking for your future husband, you very well may never find him. I know that is scary to hear, but it’s true.
If Lauren wanted to change her luck, she was going to have to change her methods. When I asked her what her schedule for the week was like, she would tell me she was busy with lots of plans, but none of them were prospecting opportunities. She would go to her parent’s house for a visit one day, to the movies with a friend another, and then to yoga or book club. She was doing activities that were filling her time, but there was no way she was going to meet anyone with a schedule like that.
Think about your week right now. What are your plans? Are they conducive to prospecting? Or will you be sitting somewhere that will give you very little opportunity to meet someone? If the answer is yes, then you need to modify your agenda.
How to Prospect
The smart way to prospect is to go where the most opportunity is. For instance, there are more guys at the driving range than at the mall. Instead of hanging out at your girlfriend’s house where the only guy around is her kid brother, go to sports bars and pool halls. Coffee shops are also a good place to meet men. You have to be creative and think to yourself, If I were a guy, where would I be? I have met a couple of very cute boys at my local dog park. The funny part about that is that I don’t own a dog. But I would walk there with a girlfriend, and when a guy asked which dog was mine, I would tell him that I was thinking about buying one and was just checking out my options. Guys are more than happy to tell you about how great their pup is, and before you know it, they will be asking for your number.
Prospecting Events
Every weekend there is something going on in your particular city that will bring out the boys. You just have to search for it. Contrary to popular belief, I think meeting guys at bars and clubs is totally possible, because the sole reason they are there in the first place is to meet girls. The mentality that you can’t meet a good guy at a bar is just not true (as I will demonstrate later in the book). Guys who are out in the bar scene are sociable, have lots of friends, and are open to making new ones. They wouldn’t be there otherwise. Yes, you may have to sort through a few duds, but there are good candidates out there too.
You just don’t want to prospect at a bar late night. Any guy who is partying hard into the hours of morning is not as prime for the picking. Stick to happy hours in order to meet the more professional types of men. I never stayed out past nine when I began seriously prospecting, and it always worked well for me. Begin your night right after work, and take yourself home before the drunken crazies come out!
There are certain places and events that you can also bank on for good prospecting. For example, restaurant openings and wine tastings are fantastic opportunities for prospecting. And I remember St. Patrick’s Day being a feast for my girlfriends and me. Every man in Washington, D.C., was out and about from ten in the morning until ten at night. Have you ever noticed how many men run marathons? Sign up! If that’s too extreme, check out a 5 or 10k in your neighborhood. I bet you find a plethora of healthy, hot guys there.
Get Creative
Besides seeking out guy-friendly places, you can also change up your daily routine. Go to different grocery stores, switch gyms, try a different church. I switched hairdressers and once ended up dating the owner of a very trendy salon. It’s not just about going where you think the guys are, although that is definitely a good strategy. It’s also about putting yourself in different places at different times. Change up your daily routine and see what happens. I used to go to the same grocery store every Saturday morning, until one day my friend met a guy at Whole Foods. She told me that Monday nights at Whole Foods is a prospecting bonanza! Every guy in our city shops there, and for some reason, they go on Monday nights.
Make sure you don’t get stuck in a rut with your daily routine. Don’t always go to the same Starbucks. If you belong to a health club, try another location. Get creative about where you look for men. You may find one right in your own backyard.
The Law of Averages
One thing to remember about prospecting is that even the best saleswoman doesn’t find new business every day. Sometimes we don’t make a breakthrough for weeks, or even months. I can remember prospecting different hospitals all summer without a bite. It seemed like I was never going to find a new customer. But then, all of a sudden, I hit the jackpot and found a hospital that was building a whole new wing. Those three months of prospecting paid off considerably.
The Internet is a great place to increase your law of averages, especially if you are like Lauren and would rather not leave the comfort of your own home. It’s one of the best places to prospect because a bar or party can only fit a finite amount of people, whereas online sites are filled with millions of men. Your chances of meeting the right guy are increased exponentially by the use of the Internet. The old stigma of online dating has just about disappeared. If you’re still hesitant about joining a dating site, then you can use less specific networking sites. I know many of my clients have met great guys through Facebook and LinkedIn. Being on the site doesn’t necessarily mean you are looking for a relationship, so you (and your potential dates) may be a little less squeamish about logging on. Just be smart and careful about meeting people you don’t know. Don’t put out too much personal information right away, and always tell a friend who you are meeting and where you are going.
Just remember, your future husband doesn’t know where you live, so you have to get out there and make your presence known. Sitting at home and doing nothing may be what’s easier, but it won’t get you what you want. Don’t get discouraged if you have been prospecting for months and haven’t met anyone. It will take time. You will not find someone you like every time you go out. That is a certainty. But if you keep prospecting you will eventually find him. It’s the law of averages—a numbers game. Every no will bring you closer to a yes. And the more times you go out, the better your chances.
When I went to the Sundance Film Festival many years ago, my girlfriends and I made it our mission to find single guys. We got dressed in our cutest winter gear and went out every night prepared to party and prospect. One of the girls in the crew, Leah, was attracting far more men than the rest of us. She was getting two and three phone numbers every night, while the rest of us just watched in awe. After our third night there, one of the other girls announced that Leah was a guy magnet! She just had “It”—that unexplainable quality that men love. Even though the rest of us were equally as attractive, guys naturally flocked to her.
But I knew that wasn’t it. Leah was doing something that the rest of us weren’t. She was doing something so simple, that even as my friends watched her, they still didn’t see it. She was using her SEE Factor.
What Is SEE?
Some women would rather jump off a bridge than approach a man. We have been taught to let him come to us. Or, as The Rules would instruct, smile at the room and look like you are having a good time with your friends. Don’t make eye contact. Make it seem like you are hard to get, so that you don’t seem needy. He needs to come over and get your attention so that you keep the element of “the chase” going, right? Wrong.
Guys need a sign that you are willing and interested to talk. Walking over to a girl and starting a conversation is very scary. Most guys would feel more comfortable addressing Congress. Knowing that, you need to give him an indication that he won’t be immediately rejected. In sales we use something called the SEE Factor. We use it when approaching someone for the first time. SEE stands for three things: 1) smile, 2) eye contact, and 3) energy. When I would walk into a customer’s office, I would smile, make eye contact, and exude good energy. This puts the other person at ease immediately. Applying the same method to dating is simple. When you see a guy you think you might be interested in, walk by him, smile, look him right in the eye, and let him sense your good energy.
I know—easier said than done, right? The reality is you have most likely never done this before, and it will take several times to get comfortable with it. But in order to get what you want in life, you will eventually have to try new things, so you may as well start now.
I watched Leah when we went out and saw how she used her SEE Factor. The rest of the girls huddled together and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. Leah would walk around the room smiling, looking men in the eye and exuding a very positive and friendly energy.
Leah knows how to prospect. She makes twenty trips to the bathroom (the long way around the bar) so that she can continually SEE and be seen. She isn’t afraid to make eye contact and smile. That is what makes her a guy magnet. If the other girls had not been isolating themselves and made more of an effort, they would have gotten the same results.
I am not asking you to do much here. Just think of how hard guys have it. They actually have to think of something to say. Then they have to stand there, wait for you to accept them, and engage them in conversation or reject them and send them on their way. You don’t have to worry about any of that. You walk by the guy, smile, give him a good “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” eye lock, and keep walking. The energy part of the SEE Factor is your prospecting attitude. You want to exude good energy, which means being confident and positive. Guys don’t want to talk to chicks who are in bad moods, having a lousy time, or feeling bad about themselves, and believe me, they can tell.
If you have been going out regularly and wondering why no one has ever approached you, ask yourself what sort of signals you are putting out there. Are you trying to catch someone’s eye or are you playing aloof and avoiding eye contact at all cost? If you think just putting yourself in a situation where a guy could potentially spot you is doing enough on your part, think again. Nine times out of ten men will approach a less attractive girl if she seems receptive to talking than one he thinks is prettier but who may possibly shoot him down.
All you need to do is give him the SEE and he’ll make the next move. You may have to give it to him two or three times so that he can be sure you really are looking at him, but once he gets the message, he’ll soon be asking to refill your cocktail.
If you are prospecting outside, maybe jogging or at the park, I strongly recommend losing the sunglasses. There is no way you can appropriately execute the SEE Factor while wearing them. Besides that, no man will ever approach a woman with sunglasses because they put up a huge wall between you. They have no idea what you are thinking with them on. Are you looking his way? Did you notice him when you walked by? Do you seem like a friendly person? Who knows? You are wearing huge glasses the size of Texas. He can’t see your eyes—he’s not coming over.
The Fear Factor
I guarantee that a lot of guys would like to approach you, but their fear of rejection keeps their feet planted where they are. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident in herself, and looking a man in the eye conveys complete confidence. If you get nervous, just remind yourself that all you are doing is smiling at someone. How is that bad? You may feel fearful at first to practice the SEE Factor because you have spent so much time avoiding eye contact up until now. If you feel anxious when you try it, just put yourself in the guy’s shoes. If he smiles at you and you quickly look away, what message do you think he will get from that? Most likely he’ll assume that you are not interested, worry that you think he’s weird, and suspect that you may press charges if he dares to chat you up. Then he will likely go home feeling depressed and dejected all because you averted your eyes when he looked at you. Think in terms of him and his feelings when you get self-conscious. Take the focus off how you feel and what you fear. It may take some getting used to, but I guarantee, if you begin to make the SEE Factor a way of life, you will bring yourself many opportunities and good fortune.
When I turned thirty-one I decided I really wanted to meet the right guy and settle down. I had dated a few guys over the years, but hadn’t found anyone truly special and spent most of my time concentrating on my career. In January 2008 I made up my mind that I would put some serious effort into prospecting and make finding my future husband a top priority.
I forced myself into some type of social setting two to three nights a week. I also dedicated a few weekend hours during the day for prospecting at various guy-friendly places. It quickly began to pay off as I began meeting men, going on dates, and formulating new relationships.
One night, I walked into a restaurant called the Liberty Tavern with two girlfriends. We sat at a long, high tabletop that stretched across one end of the room to another. On the other side of the table stood three guys, one who I particularly noticed right away. He was tall, cute, and dressed in a suit. The only problem was, he was not standing facing my direction, so giving him the SEE Factor was not an option. I had to get his attention another way.
“Excuse me? Could I borrow your menu?” I asked.
“Absolutely.” He smiled as he handed it over.
It wasn’t clever, original, or funny. In fact, it was as benign an opening line as you could get. That’s okay though. My question served its purpose. Moments later we were engaged in conversation that carried on for hours. As we chatted and got to know each other, a lightbulb went off in my head. I knew I had met someone very special . . . someone I wanted to know better. And even though I wouldn’t know why I felt this way for many months to come, I would later come to know that this was the very first conversation I had with my husband.
Most women do not want to make the first move. In fact, most other books will tell you not to make it because you will come off as too aggressive or desperate. The truth is, it is totally fine to approach a man—if you know how to do it. If I had not approached my husband, I may not have ever met him. He told me he noticed me right away when I walked into the bar, but that he was exhausted from the workweek and not in the right frame of mind to approach someone. Once I opened the conversation and smiled at him, however, he happily engaged. How many guys do you think see you while you are out and simply feel the same way?
The problem isn’t that talking to a man first may ruin your chances; it’s what you are saying to that man that may ruin them. So what exactly can you say when you’re making the first move? The trick to starting a conversation is to use an Icebreaker, a small remark or question that can be directed toward just about anyone—something that seems spur-of-the-moment, unintentional, and casual. When you are the one approaching a man, you want your opening conversation to seem aimless. You don’t want the guy to know you have an agenda to meet him.
Forget Playing Hard to Get
Many women still hold the belief that you have to play coy when meeting men. They trust that if a man is truly interested, he will get off his bar stool, cross the room, break up the conversation you are currently having with your friends, and introduce himself. Well, as much as I hate to debunk anyone’s romantic fantasies, if this is one of yours, it’s likely to be the reason you have a hard time meeting guys.
When you are out and you see a guy you might like to meet, you no longer have to sit there twiddling your thumbs, praying for him to notice you. You can (and should) start a conversation with him. Someone has to do it. Why not you?
Can you imagine if salespeople had the attitude that they were not going to approach customers? They would be out of a job pretty fast. Much like them, you have to go after what you want. It’s not being aggressive as long as you use the right method of approach. If you are worried about being rejected, don’t be. When you use an Icebreaker, you cannot possibly be rejected. If a guy doesn’t continue the conversation after you break the ice, so what? You weren’t even hitting on him in the first place. You were just borrowing his menu or asking for the time. Opening with an Icebreaker will keep a guy from sensing your agenda right away. You don’t want him to think you are prospecting for a husband, and by using this technique he won’t suspect a thing.
The best thing about Icebreakers is that you can use the same one over and over. You don’t need to come up with a different one every time you go out. The guys will never know.
Several years ago my friends and I went to Oktoberfest determined to meet new people. We decided that when we saw a guy we wanted to talk to, we would stop him and say, “Hey, don’t you go to my gym?” The guy would say no, but he almost always engaged in conversation after that. With the six of us prospecting, we probably asked fifty guys this question. It was fun, and we all got several numbers from doing it. (Remember, dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the closer you get to finding someone you like!)
Try and think of some standard Icebreakers so that when you come across a guy you want to meet, you don’t struggle to find something to say. It’s a good idea to think of Icebreakers ahead of time, otherwise your nerves will get the best of you and you may end up missing your chance. Some Icebreakers that are good to have in your back pocket are:
Do you know if there is a wait for a table?
Can you take a picture of my friends and me?
Do you know what the happy hour specials are?
Aren’t we friends on Facebook?
That drink looks good, what is it? (This works well at places like Starbucks.)
Didn’t you go to my high school?
You can use the above Icebreakers at any bar, club, party, or restaurant. If you are someplace like a grocery store, you can follow a guy to the wine or produce section and ask him if he knows how to pick a good pinot or avocado. Usually, this is all it takes for you to open the lines of communication. The guy will take over from there.
Don’t worry. It can be the lamest Icebreaker on Earth, and it won’t matter. I have a friend who is an aesthetician, and she loves to break the ice by asking men if they have ever been waxed! I’m not kidding. Say anything and he’ll continue the conversation from there. Guys love it when women make the first moves in these situations. I know, because I have done it myself. Not once has a guy told me he would rather do the approaching. Remember—you aren’t asking him out, you’re just being friendly and sociable. There is a big difference.
Be aware of opportunities that you can break into and make contact. Armed with these tactics, you can start talking to any guy you find while prospecting, and who knows, you may also meet your husband this way as well!
Mallory and Megan are best friends and two clients of mine. They had decided to seek out my help when they both turned twenty-nine and began to worry about whether or not they were ever going to get married. Mallory had had a long-term boyfriend in college, but they broke up when they graduated and she has been single ever since. Megan had had a string of short-term relationships in her early twenties, but in the last four years she had gone through a major dry spell. Both girls wanted to find love and get married, but neither of them were meeting anyone of interest. The few men they did find interesting only took them on a few dates before abruptly announcing they weren’t looking for anything serious.
Since Mallory and Megan were both having trouble just meeting men in general, I knew that something about their prospecting method was off. They were both attractive girls who went out quite a bit and maintained online profiles, so theoretically they should have been going on a lot of dates. I decided in order to find the root of the problem, I would have to shadow them on a night of prospecting to see what I could see.
It didn’t take me long to figure out what the problem was. On the night we went out, the girls hit three restaurant bars in a span of forty minutes. They walked in, took one lap around the bar, and announced to each other, “There is no one good here. Let’s try somewhere else.” At each place they surveyed the crowd for someone they thought was cute enough to start a conversation with, and quickly assessed that no one was worth their time.
Before I gave the girls my diagnosis, I wanted to check out their online conversations to confirm my suspicions of what was keeping the boys away. When we got back to their apartment and hopped online, the proof was in their profiles. They both had a slew of potential prospects winking and e-mailing them, but both Megan and Mallory only responded to a very select few.
I sat the girls down the next day at lunch to explain what needed to change.
“You’ll be happy to know that your problem is 100 percent fixable, ladies,” I started. “If you tweak just one thing, you will see improved results overnight.”
“Great!” said the girls. “What is the problem? What are we doing wrong?”
“You are prejudging,” I said. “You are both doing it, and it’s what is preventing you from meeting anyone.”
“What do you mean?” Mallory asked. “I don’t think we are prejudging.”
“Oh no? You walked into three bars last night and walked out within a few minutes because no one had the exact look you wanted. You are judging men on their appearance and nothing else,” I said.
Megan started to argue with me. “I don’t think that is prejudging. I think we are just looking for someone we are attracted to. Unfortunately, there just aren’t many men out there that are fitting the criteria,” she stated.
“Listen, you are judging men on their appearance, from the color of their hair to their style of their shoes. Megan, you didn’t want to talk to one guy because he had facial hair. Facial hair that, if you didn’t know, can be shaved off! You both are too particular about what you are looking for physically in a man. That is what is keeping you single. If you are only judging a person based on their appearance, then you are only going to be attracted to the top 2 percent of men. That’s not a lot of guys to choose from. You may finally find a guy who has everything you want, but you will be eighty years old by then and he won’t want you.”
“I just know within thirty seconds who I am going to be attracted to,” Megan stated. “If the spark is not there at the beginning, it’s not ever going to be there. I’m not going to settle for less than what I want!” she cried.
I looked at Mallory, who was still processing the information.
“I guess I see your point,” she said. “I know that in the past I have developed attraction for some of my guy friends after getting to know them because they were super smart or funny. I guess what you are telling us is that we have to give more people a chance to see if some of their other qualities override physical attributes we may not be fond of right away?”
“Exactly. You have to put more stock into other characteristics. Humor, intelligence, integrity, and kindheartedness are all very attractive qualities that can really add to a man’s appeal. You aren’t able to see these things with the naked eye. You have to get to know someone first, and that means giving men who maybe aren’t exactly your type physically a chance to show you how hot they are in other ways,” I told them.
Mallory seemed to be coming around. Megan just sat there looking quite unhappy.
What Are You Looking For?
Every girl has a type they like physically. Maybe it’s a guy who is over six feet or hair that is dark and wavy. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you like aesthetically, but when you only judge men on their outward appearance, you are superficially looking for a mate and placing more importance on qualities that actually won’t matter in the long run.
When I was first visiting hospitals I was told to visit every single one in my territory. My manager told me not to cherry-pick and go to places that had the potential for bigger sales. It was hard though. Smaller hospitals rarely made large purchases because they lacked the budget and didn’t have the need. But I listened and still prospected the tiny facilities because I didn’t want to prejudge. On my third day I walked into City Hospital in West Virginia, not expecting much in the way of a sale, but surprisingly enough, the director of nursing said they needed sixty new blood pressure monitors! It was the largest sale I made that year, and because of it I received an award at the annual meeting.
If I had prejudged City Hospital and only prospected larger hospitals, another sales rep would have made that sale. If you prejudge men and cherry-pick which ones you go out with, another woman may marry the man of your dreams. You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?
Some women ask me how they can get over the fact that only a certain type of man attracts them. They don’t want to prejudge, but the thought of going out with a man who, for example, is shorter than they are, makes them want to give up completely. I tell those women that they are allowed to have one physical turnoff. If height truly bothers them, they can stick to taller men, but they should try to be more flexible about how tall they really need to be. If they typically don’t like men under six feet, but they themselves are only five foot four, they should give a little and accept dates with men who are five nine and above.
You are only allowed one physical turnoff, so choose wisely.
Virtually anything physical can also be improved upon. Weight can be lost, clothes can be changed, hair can be cut, and so on and so forth. It’s what is on the inside that cannot be so easily changed. I’d take a man with a great heart who could use some hair product and a shave over a GQ model with narcissistic tendencies. It’s important to keep in mind what qualities truly matter in the long run and not just what turns you on for the night.
Stop Judging, Start Dating
Three months after my conversation with Megan and Mallory, they were out together at a local pub prospecting again for eligible guys. Megan once again immediately resigned to sitting at a table in the back because there weren’t any cute guys out that night. Mallory, on the other hand, kept her mind and options open. As she walked to the bathroom, she noticed a guy at the bar checking her out. He wasn’t her typical type, but she decided to not judge. When she came out of the bathroom, she went to the bar to order her next drink, placing herself right next to the guy. She could feel that he was looking her way, so she took a deep breath, smiled, and looked at him.
“Hi! How are you?” he said right away.
“I’m good. I’ve just been abandoned by my waitress,” she laughed.
“Oh, allow me. That looks like a rum and coke?” he smiled.
“Good guess,” Mallory replied.
As Megan sat alone at the table, Mallory chatted with the guy for half an hour. He asked for her number and said he would call her. Mallory left the bar that night feeling optimistic. She wasn’t sure if the guy was going to be The One, but she liked him more than she thought she would have after their brief conversation.
Today Mallory tells me she has never been so in love. She and Wilson (that’s his name) have been dating for almost a year. Although she said he wasn’t physically her type at first glance, she finds him very sexy now that she knows him. Whenever they are out, they can’t keep their hands off each other, and I have it on good authority that Wilson is planning to propose next month.
Megan on the other hand is still very single and searching.
When you stop judging men from the outside and instead keep yourself open to learning more about them, something wonderful happens. You become attracted to them! Don’t let a shallow mentality keep you from meeting great guys. There are tons out there, you just have to be open to getting to know them. If you are prospecting online and think that the men who are contacting you are not physically appealing, keep this in mind: how many times have you been excited by someone’s profile only to have them show up in person and completely disappoint you? Well, as many times as that happens, the opposite occurs as well. You can be lukewarm about meeting someone based on their picture and then be pleasantly surprised when you meet face-to-face. You just have to allow for the chance to have that happen.
The next time you decide that someone isn’t worth talking to because they aren’t tall enough or dressed the right way, ask yourself how you would feel if a man passed you by for the same reason. Give men a chance to show you what else they have to offer. When you factor in a great sense of humor and a great personality, an average-looking guy can suddenly look well above average. Just remember this the next time you prospect: if you stop prejudging, you will start dating.
When my mother recently got involved in real estate, she was very excited. She bought every book, went to every lecture, and committed herself to giving this new venture 100 percent. After a couple of months she found her first clients, a newly married couple. She was eager to sell them a house and focused all her time and energy on this one deal. But after several weeks of searching for that perfect fit, her clients suddenly dropped her. As you can imagine, my mom was pretty upset, but she decided to move on and find another client as quickly as possible. She found a couple that needed to relocate to Virginia by the end of the month. She was once again excited by the possibilities, and this time she was certain she would see results much faster.
But a month later the couple called to tell her they had changed their mind about relocating and would not need her anymore. Once again, she was depressed. It took her a couple days to get back on the horse this time and to begin to look for another client. After a month she still hadn’t found anyone. At lunch one day she expressed her disappointment to me.
“I have been at this for almost nine months,” she said, “and I am just not seeing any progress. I find clients, I work really hard to help them find a good fit, but ultimately something happens, and it doesn’t work out. Now I have to start all over from scratch, and it’s really disappointing.”
I could sympathize with my mom’s frustration. Every salesperson has been in her shoes at some point. However, the good ones have learned what to do to avoid having to start all over again when they lose a sale—they fill the funnel.
I told my mom her main problem was that she only focused on one client at a time, so when that one client fell through, it left her back at square one. Good salespeople don’t put all their eggs in one basket; they fill their funnel with lots of sales, knowing that some will not work out. You must keep prospecting so that you have enough business to lose a few deals and still be okay.
“Always keep two or three customers in your funnel,” I told my mom. “You have to continue to prospect even when you find a potential buyer. You have to keep that funnel full.”
Once my mom started juggling a few deals at a time, her sales picked up, and she was making money.
Most of my friends date the way my mom started out selling houses—one prospect at a time. Jane, who is unmarried at thirty-five, admitted that the biggest mistake she ever made was focusing all her efforts on one man from the very start.
“If I could go back and do it all over again” Jane said, “I would have kept my options open until I was in a committed relationship. Whenever I was dating someone and another guy would express interest, I would always say, ‘Thanks, but I have a boyfriend,’ even though it wasn’t true! I had only started seeing the guy. I assumed he would eventually become my boyfriend, but it was a terrible assumption to make. Looking back on it now I wish I had given those guys a chance. I wish I had gone out to dinner with them once at the very least.”
When most women find a guy they like, they immediately cut off all other prospects. They tell me they want to see where the relationship will go and they want to focus all their attention on this one guy, hoping he will be The One. That is risky business, however. Why would you cut off other men when you aren’t even sure if this one is going to work out?
Some women do this subconsciously. They don’t realize that they close all doors when they start dating someone new. But they do. They don’t leave themselves open for other opportunities to come along. Other women simply think they cannot date more than one man at a time. They believe that it is just flat-out wrong. But why? Why is it wrong? Unless the man thinks that you are dating exclusively (and in the beginning stages they definitely don’t), I see no problem.
Hopefully, you will only be married once. You are looking for just one guy in a sea of many. It’s up to you how quickly (or slowly) it takes you to find him. If you only date one guy at a time, then it will take you a lot longer than if you fill your funnel. It’s really the only way to date. I am not saying you should cheat on your wonderful boyfriend and continue to juggle other men on the side. Not at all. I’m saying don’t cross your fingers and hope that the guy you’ve been dating for three weeks will be the one to work out. You don’t even know him yet! How can you possibly tell? Salespeople don’t stop prospecting when they come across one opportunity to make a sale. They work on closing deals and continue filling the funnel at the same time. That way if one deal falls through, they still have another one to move on to. You have to date the same way or you could be wasting a lot of your time.
Avery, who is twenty-five, had never thought to date more than one man at a time. When she met someone she liked, she naturally assumed that a relationship would follow. But that mentality always took her on a trip to Desperate Town, U.S.A. She would put so much hope and effort into her dates that she would hang on a guy’s every word, ignore things that bothered her, and push for a relationship too soon. Every guy she went out with faded away within weeks. Then she started learning my techniques. At first she was skeptical and didn’t think she could possibly fill her funnel, but after giving it a try she began to see immediate results. She incidentally stopped her bad habits of texting too much or acting so needy because she wasn’t so concerned with one man. Her confidence started to build and she actually began having fun on her dates.
After dating this way for only six months, Avery met the man who would become her husband the following year. She’s now happily in love and has the family she has always wanted. She says she owes a large part of her success to keeping her funnel full at all times.
Before I was married, I filled my funnel as well. I would just assume any guy I went out with was seeing other people. We didn’t have any conversations about our relationship in the beginning. Why would we? Until the guy had the “relationship talk” with me (and not the other way around), I saw no reason to cut off other would-be suitors. Later in the book you will learn how to get him to want to have that conversation, but for now you should just concentrate on filling that funnel!
Dating with a Net
Most women ask me how they can avoid becoming attached to a man too soon. Some are hooked after one date or even one kiss. Even though the guy is still a complete stranger, they begin daydreaming about a blissful future as they wait by the phone. My best friend Adison was this way. She was dying to find a boyfriend. So whenever she met someone who showed interest in her, she immediately focused all her time and energy on him.
That’s exactly what happened when she found Gavin. She was prospecting the pages of Facebook and she stumbled upon his profile. He was very cute, and after a few short e-sessions, they decided to meet at a restaurant near her house. Dinner was fun, and afterward Adison asked Gavin to come back to her place. They continued to have a good time, and Gavin didn’t leave until 3:00 am.
She called me the following morning and proclaimed her love for her new beau.
“He’s so cute and sweet. I just love him. I can’t wait to see him again. I hope he calls tonight. I want to take him to my company party on Friday and then to your barbecue on Saturday. I think I’m going to call him and ask him tomorrow if he doesn’t call me by tonight.”
Adison called him the next day and the day after. They saw each other without a hitch for a couple of weeks. Adison didn’t go out with any other guys because she was so into Gavin. She believed that they had something special and she was in it for the long haul. But then suddenly Gavin started to pull away. He didn’t always answer Adison’s calls and he didn’t come over as much. When he did come over she never wanted him to leave because she didn’t know when she was going to see him again.
One day at lunch she was telling me how she was checking his Facebook profile and she discovered several pictures of him posted with the same girl.
“I think he’s seeing this girl Rachel. I don’t know what to do. I texted him last night to come over, but he said he was at his parents’ house. So I drove over to his house, and his car was outside. He lied to me. I don’t know if I should text him and tell him he’s a jerk or if I should call him and talk to him about it.”
“Adison, you don’t do anything,” I reprimanded. “He never said he wanted a relationship with you. He never said you were his girlfriend. You just started acting like you were together. You should have continued to go out with other guys while you were seeing him.”
Adison agreed I was right. But it was too late. She had lost Gavin and now her funnel was dry. She was back at square one, and she was not happy about it.
This is not an uncommon scenario. It happens to a lot of women. The smart ones learn from it and decide not to let it happen again. The rest of them continue on this path and wonder, Why does this keep happening to me?
If Adison had a couple of guys calling her, this story may have turned out differently. Instead of wasting time driving by Gavin’s house, waiting for his calls, and checking his profile on Facebook, she could have been out with someone else. Even if she really only liked Gavin, if she was out on other dates, she wouldn’t be home obsessing about him. On top of that, Gavin would have sensed that Adison was busy doing other things and may have kept pursuing her. But she put all her eggs in Gavin’s basket, and when he ultimately stopped calling her, she was left completely alone, devastated, and had to start all over again.
To sum it all up, filling the funnel works for several reasons:
- You don’t get too attached too soon. If you are out with other people then you are not sitting at home thinking about Mr. One-and-Only. You can drive yourself crazy by obsessing about a man, and when you see him again, he’ll know you’ve been pining after him. Believe me, guys aren’t dumb. They know.
- You won’t be a complete wreck if he dumps you. Because you have a couple of different men to date, your confidence won’t be shattered if the relationship doesn’t pan out. Of course, the initial breakup will still sting, but your ego will be intact because you have other men lusting after you.
- Your odds are better. The more men you date, the more likely you are to find The One. Think about it, you can either date one man every six months and then in five years you will have dated ten guys. Or you can date ten guys in one year and in five years you will have dated fifty guys! The more guys you date, the closer you get to finding The One.
When you start filling the funnel, a lot of the guys will be fine with not knowing what you are doing when you aren’t with them . . . at first. But after a while they will begin to wonder. Then they will begin to ask. Then they will begin to worry. And when a guy worries, that is a good sign for you. (This is also when the Jones Effect kicks in, which you will learn about in Chapter 5.)
So remember, ladies, fill the funnel. It’s the only way to find the man of your dreams, and it will help you keep him once you do.