You may be worried that you are in over your head. You’ve never had a sales job, and, quite frankly, you don’t know if you could sell a loaf of bread to a starving man. The truth is you already use sales in your everyday life. From the moment you wake up and decide what outfit is most likely to impress your boss until later that day when you convince your girlfriends where to eat dinner, you are constantly engaging in sales. Whenever you go on an interview, you are selling yourself to an employer. Whenever you try to get a better deal on a car or a house, meet new people, or make new friends, you are drawing on the same set of skills used in sales. Some people are naturally good at reading people and building relationships while other people really need to work at it.
The good news is you don’t have to become a superstar salesperson in order to change your love life. You will see that with these techniques, a little goes a long way.
Don’t worry if you are a little intimidated. Everyone is afraid of what they don’t know or don’t understand. Don’t tell yourself that this stuff isn’t for you and that you just don’t work that way. This strategy isn’t for one type of person. It’s for everyone. If it feels strange at first, it’s only because you are stepping out of your comfort zone, which always takes some getting used to. But the more you learn and practice, the more natural it will feel.
While you’re learning these various techniques, you will find the answers to questions you had about previous relationships. Questions like, “Why do guys like it when you play hard to get? Why can’t I call him? Why is it when I don’t care about a guy he’s all over me, but when I do care, it never works out?”
But before we dive in, we need to clarify something. As I said before, there are a lot of misperceptions about sales out there. I have friends that think they know how to “sell” a guy on a relationship but have missed the mark completely. These women are like the telemarketers of dating. They bother men with their constant calling, bad timing, and annoying inability to take no for an answer. They subscribe to old adages like, “persistence ends resistance,” and so believe, if they just don’t give up, they will wear a guy down.
My friend Steve was dating a cute redhead named Sydney. They met at a charity event and hit it off right away. From the very beginning they spent a lot of time together. After just a week, she was already sleeping at his house. Although Steve really liked Sydney, he wasn’t quite sure if he was in love. After three months and much contemplation, he decided he needed some time apart to see how he really felt. One night, he told Sydney he really cared about her, but wasn’t sure if he was ready for a serious commitment. Of course, upon hearing this, Sydney was distraught. She did not want to lose Steve and was willing to do whatever was necessary to get him to stay.
“I love you!” she declared. “I haven’t said it before, because I was afraid to. But I do, I love you. I know that we belong together. Think of how much we have in common. We need to talk about this. Spending time apart won’t solve anything. We can work through this. Just give it another chance. You won’t find anyone else that will love you as much I do!”
Sydney spent the next three hours trying to convince Steve they were right for each other, and while Steve felt bad about what she was saying, it didn’t really change the way he felt about her. Sydney was trying to sell herself, but she was going about it in exactly the wrong way. Steve told me later that the best thing she could have done was give him space. He felt Sydney was becoming too dependent and wondered if she was really the tough, strong, smart woman he initially fell for. If she had understood good sales techniques, she would have used Mirror Theory (you’ll learn about that in Chapter 5). Then when Steve had this talk with her, his feelings may have changed. Instead, she begged and pleaded with him, which made her seem desperate. Sydney left Steve’s apartment that night and never saw him again.
You can never convince someone to date you, let alone love you, by telling them how much you need or love them. It would be like trying to sell a car by saying, “Hey, I would really love you to buy this car. You don’t know what your commission means to me. I’ve never felt this way about a customer. No one will appreciate your down payment more than I will. I just really need you to buy it. If you don’t, I don’t know what I will do.” Well, that’s a convincing argument if I ever heard one! By saying these things, you may make the guy feel guilty or sorry for you, and once in a while, he may even give in and take you back. But it won’t make him want to be with you. And that’s the whole trick to dating successfully. It’s not about getting guys to do what you want—it’s about getting them to want you, period. Then they’ll happily give you what you need. You will never convince a man to love you by letting him know how much you love him. That’s called begging. And it just doesn’t work.
Need another example of bad salesmanship? I’ve definitely got one.
When I first told my cousin Nicole that I was writing this book, she laughed.
“I’ve done that before!” she said. “I used to sell advertising for a local paper during college. I’ve tried using sales to date and it just doesn’t work.”
Curious, I asked, “What exactly have you tried?”
“Well, take Adam for instance. He’s a bartender I met when I was out one night with the girls. I thought he was cute, so I was really persistent in getting his number—just the way you are with sales. He said he was in a relationship at first, but after a few hours of flirting with him, he finally gave me his number. We went out a few times, and I totally fell in love with him. But he was so hesitant to commit. We got into a big argument about it, and he told me not to call him anymore. But, in sales you don’t take no for an answer. So I called him. He didn’t call me back, so I called him again. Anyway, when I never got a call back, I thought about what I would do if a customer didn’t call me back—I would go visit them at their place of business. So I went back to the bar and asked him why he hadn’t returned my calls. I tried to tell him he was missing out on a good thing, but he looked at me like I was a complete psycho and told me to lose his number. So you see, sales just doesn’t work.”
I tried to explain to my cousin that what she was doing wasn’t sales—it was stalking. Sales is not simply being persistent until someone gives in to you. My cousin’s strategy was to bulldoze over this guy. Just like the previous example, she didn’t try to get him to want her; she tried to force him to do what she wanted. There’s a big difference. Had Nicole learned how to read a man’s Buying Signs (Chapter 5), she may have not wasted so much time on Adam and instead found someone more interested in her.
Okay, last story, and then I promise to move on. Ray met a girl on an Internet dating site. She looked attractive and seemed sweet in her profile, so he asked her to meet him for drinks one night. Well, the girl spent the whole night trying to “sell herself.” She told Ray she gave great massages and loved to cook in her underwear. She also told Ray that she was the total package, and he should take her off the market before someone else did. That form of self-promotion is not a part of this strategy. Telling a guy that you’re a catch isn’t going to convince him that you are one. He’s got to see it in time—for himself. Yes, it’s your job to make him see it, but telling him outright isn’t the way to do it. If this girl had known about the KISS Principle (Chapter 5), she would have realized that what she said had the opposite effect of what she wanted.
This strategy is an art form that takes time to master, but once you do, you will see how it can absolutely change your life. There are very few products that can sell themselves without the help of a salesperson. If you had the most beautiful house on the block in the best location and next to the best school, you still would have trouble selling it without a realtor. You would need someone who could find you potential buyers, show them the house, point out its good features, and negotiate a great deal for you. Without that realtor, your house could sit on the market for months without a bite, and you could ultimately settle for a price less than what you wanted.
You are that house. You can either keep dating your way, hoping that someday the perfect guy will stumble upon your house by happenstance, or you can stop dreaming and realize you need to learn to become your own realtor.
Remember, you can’t come across as needy or desperate for a sale, and you can’t be pushy or overly aggressive. None of those things will entice a person to buy from you, and in dating, the same rules apply. What you will learn in the following pages will teach you just how to behave so that you walk that fine line of being interested, but not too interested, a balance most women have a hard time finding.
Understandably, women often rely on their emotions in order to make decisions about dating. We hate that little anxious feeling in the pit of our stomach, and we won’t rest easy until something is done about it. Yes, we know we should probably wait for him to call us, but we really want to talk to him. So we pick up the phone and just shoot him a little text. Unfortunately, going with these gut feelings can be very dangerous. When you are dating someone you really like, it’s easy to make emotional, rather than rational, decisions. Your heart overrides your head. Now that you’ve texted with him, you feel better, but what about him? What kind of message did you send by reaching out first? Even though you made a decision that felt right to you, it may have terrible repercussions.
Take my friend Sarah, for instance. She was head over heels for Brody. They had been seeing each other for only a few weeks but got serious very fast. Sarah knew she was in love and was dying to tell Brody how she felt. All her friends thought it was just too soon to say it, and she should wait for him to say it first. But Sarah didn’t care. She said her heart was telling her to do it, and she would explode if she held it in any longer. Against all advice from her friends, she proceeded to tell Brody she loved him. To her surprise, he did not say it back. Their relationship continued for a couple more months after that, but Brody eventually broke up with her. Sarah was devastated. Since the relationship felt so right to her, she could not believe that Brody did not feel the same.
Sarah’s emotions had clouded her judgment. Because it felt right to drop the L-bomb, Sarah went ahead and did it. Looking back, she wonders how she could have been so rash. Obviously, Brody liked her, but she scared him off by telling him she loved him too soon. Instead of thinking logically about where she and Brody were in the relationship and acting accordingly, she acted based on how she felt. Sarah thought only about what she wanted. She took Brody out of the equation and decided to put her own feelings first. That is why being honest and up front completely backfired on her. Had she followed the strategy and learned how to appropriately assess their relationship from Brody’s standpoint, she would not have made such a blunder, and she and Brody may have had a chance.
One Strike, You’re Out
Have you ever gone out with a guy a couple of times, had great chemistry, thought you could really have something with him, and then never heard from him again? Unfortunately, this happens all the time. You are left in dating limbo wondering why he dropped off the face of the earth when everything seemed to be going so well. Well sure—it’s theoretically possible that some external complication prevented him from returning your call. Maybe he was suddenly shipped overseas, or he was run over by a Mack truck. Things like that do happen. Just not very often.
It’s very likely that you made a mistake. Somewhere in the course of dating, you made an emotional decision that felt right to you but turned him off. Just like Sarah and Brody. She made one bad move and he dumped her. Granted, this was the granddaddy of all bad moves, but sometimes all it takes is something small and seemingly insignificant to cause a bad reaction. You may think it’s okay to call or text just this one time, but that one time could be one too many. You need to be extra cognizant of what you are doing with a guy so that you don’t ruin your chances. In this game, it takes just one strike and you’re out.
I’m sure you can think of tons of examples of when a guy did or said something that completely turned you off. It only took one thing, one word, one look, and you were done. Are you really surprised that men are the same way? In the beginning, dating is a delicate affair that must be handled with your head as much as your heart.
Most women try to validate why they do something they know they shouldn’t be doing. My best friend Adison knows she shouldn’t call a guy the morning after she sees him, but she always comes up with some excuse to pick up the phone and do it anyway. I’ve heard everything from “He left his watch here” to “I forgot to thank him for dinner, and I don’t want him to think I’m rude.”
She’s not fooling anyone. The bottom line is she’s dying to hear his voice. She wants to talk to him so she finds an excuse to validate her decision. She tries to rationalize why she’s doing it, but the real reason is emotionally driven. No matter what logical advice I give her, her emotions won’t let her accept it. Her stomach tells her she won’t feel better until she makes the call. So instead of listening to logic, she listens to her emotions. Then she’s completely blindsided when the guy loses interest.
You have to be honest with yourself in situations like this. Instead of trying to find a reason to call the guy you just saw last night, own up to the fact that you are just craving his company. If you are always honest with yourself regarding your emotions, you are more likely to see the reality of the situation and avoid making the wrong move.
My client Amanda doesn’t play games. She is a smart, beautiful, and successful lobbyist in D.C. who doesn’t believe she has to. Whenever she meets a new guy, she makes a point of telling them that she is not a game player. Her approach is to be completely open with her thoughts and feelings, so there is no confusion or miscommunication. Yet, Amanda can’t seem to hold on to a man. Guys always tell her that they just aren’t ready for a serious relationship. She says it’s because most men are intimidated by her, but that is just not the case. One day during our weekly session, she looked at me so frustrated and said, “Is there anyone in this city with the guts to seriously date a smart, successful woman? It’s like guys only want to date hot girls with low IQs.”
I explained to Amanda that her brains and beauty were certainly not the reason she was still single. I told her that if she was getting the same result with every guy, the problem was with her, not them.
At first Amanda became defensive. She did not want to realize the truth and take the blame. “I just disagree with you. I’m a catch. There’s no way it’s me.”
I tried to clarify my point to Amanda. She was right for the most part. She was young and beautiful. It’s not that she wasn’t a catch. The problem was that she was doing something that deterred men from wanting a relationship with her. In order to get a different result with men, she would have to change her dating strategy. Being so open and honest with her feelings may have worked, if her feelings were that she was happy with her life and not desperately seeking a husband. But I’ve been working with Amanda for years, and she’ll be the first one to tell you that men have always been her primary focus. She will dump her friends in a heartbeat for a night out with a guy. Whenever she meets someone she likes, she cuts off all ties to the outside world, and the guy becomes her top priority. She falls hard and fast, and wants to spend every minute with whoever she’s dating in the hopes it will result in a lasting union.
The problem is that men can sense that she is rearranging her life for them, and in the beginning (and really until you are married), that is not the right move to make. Men like to pursue women, not be chased by them. But by being so honest with her emotions and catering to a guy’s every whim, that is exactly what Amanda was doing.
“You don’t think guys can sense that you’re rearranging your life for them?” I asked. “It seems obvious to me that your overeager nature is what’s making men back away from you. I know you want to spend time with someone you like, but dropping everything to go out with him when he calls is too extreme, especially in the beginning. I know it’s what you want to do, but it isn’t always what’s smart.”
“But I don’t want to play games!” she pouted. “If I meet someone I like and he wants to spend the whole weekend with me, why should I pretend I have other things going on? I just want to do what I feel like and not have to play these dumb games!”
“I know it’s not what you want to do, Amanda. But unfortunately, it’s what you are going to have to do,” I explained.
The most common complaint I hear from women is that they don’t want to play games. They are too old to play games, too tired, too mature, too pretty, and too smart. Doing what they feel like seems natural, and dating strategically sounds too orchestrated. What they want is to meet someone, be honest about their feelings, and have someone like them for who they are. It sounds good in theory. But unfortunately, these are usually the same women who daydream about moving in with a guy after one coffee date. The more you want and crave a relationship, the more you will have to stick to a strict dating strategy to avoid having your emotions cloud your judgment and lead you in the wrong direction.
Amanda’s problem was that because she was immediately making the guy her number one priority, men perceived her to be needy and lacking a life of her own, even though she was a smart and successful woman. If she continued to do what she felt like doing (and not play any games) she would continue to hear the same response from men. Amanda might never be able to change how she wanted to act with a guy, but she could learn to control herself and make better decisions.
Is that playing a game? Does that mean she’s not being who she really is? You can think of it that way if you like. I prefer to think of it as having a strategy to get what you want. Amanda could continue to act on her feelings, but the greatest indicator of future events is the past. And her past was pretty lonely.
It’s Not a Game—It’s a Strategy
You need a strategy to get anywhere in life. If you wanted to start a business, you would need a business strategy. If you wanted to lose weight, you would have a diet strategy. If you wanted to get your finances in order, buy a new house, land a new job, you would need a strategy! So why is dating any different? You want a man, you need a strategy. You would never say something like, “I want to find a new job but I am not going to think too much about it. I’m sure an opportunity will just come my way when I least expect it.” Or “I will go with the flow on this interview and let whatever happens happen.” Who does that? Yet this is what most women do when they are dating. They expect love to just happen, like in the movies. A man will see them across a crowded room, be awestruck by their beauty, and court them with flowers, candy, and the occasional love poem. A logical plan just doesn’t fit into their romance. Well, this is real life and not a “rom-com.” In real life you have to be smart and savvy to get what you want.
Ladies, your patterns are making you succeed or fail with guys. I know you are tired of the games and just want to tell a guy who you are and what you’re looking for. Well, after spending a number of years in sales, I completely understand. I got tired, too. Sometimes I became exhausted by the effort I had to put forth daily. But that did not mean I could just sit down with a customer and put my naked intentions on the table and say, “You know, sir, I’m tired of pounding the pavement. I’m tired of meeting with different people and trying to make a sale. I am looking for a good customer who will repeatedly buy from me. I could spend the next hour trying to sell you my product, but I don’t want to play games here. I just want to know, are you going to buy from me or what?” Can you imagine how well that would have worked?
I am not asking you to change your morals, values, personality, or sense of humor. I don’t want you to change who you are. I just want you to change how you date. That will require a strategy, and that strategy will require discipline—discipline to not always do what you want, but instead, to do what is smart. If you’ve always been one of those girls who hates playing games, let’s be brutally honest for a minute. Girls that say they don’t play games either:
- Don’t know how to play,
- Are too lazy to play, or,
- Don’t have enough discipline or patience to play.
Well, before you go any further in this book, make a decision. Are you going to keep making excuses or are you going to start getting results? You can’t do both. You have to pick one. Are you willing to stop getting hung up on the whole “game playing” thing and start accepting that you need a strategy to get the guy you want? You haven’t had success so far, so something’s got to change. That something is you.
Relationship Building
The most important thing that sales ever taught me is that building a relationship takes time. It does not happen overnight. In order to truly win someone over, you have to spend ample time getting to know him before even discussing commitment. This is key for single women looking for a relationship. If you are expecting a man to jump into a relationship with you after three or four dates, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Although you may like someone, and although you may think he is absolutely perfect for you, you cannot rush the progress of your relationship with him. It will scare him off each and every time, regardless of how interested he seemed or how much he pursued you initially.
Dating is a “get to know you” phase. It is a time to have fun, learn about each other, and decide if you are compatible. All this happens before you enter a commitment, not after. If you are guilty of trying to figure out where you stand with a guy right off the bat, you are going to have to downshift back into first gear. It may not be easy for you because you like to know the status of your relationship after a couple of weeks, but you must accept the fact that dating is like being in limbo. It is a temporary holding place for you and a man to spend time together. Once you are there for a couple of months (yes, I said months!), you can then decide if you both want to ascend to the next level together, or part ways and try again with someone else.
I know I may seem like the bearer of bad news, but setting your expectations correctly is going to help you avoid certain heartbreak. Most of what you will learn in the coming pages will be more about what you can do than what you can’t, but some of the techniques may still be hard to employ. I promise, however, that if you are up for the challenge, I will show you how to find a guy, get him interested, and close the deal. It’s all in your power. You just have to learn how. The rest of this book will teach you all the secrets of relationship building. Starting with learning the basics of the most important product you will ever sell—yourself!