ABOUT TEN MINUTES AND many, many deep breaths later, I’ve pulled myself together. Well, at least enough to know what I need to do. I rise to my feet and brush the snow and dirt off my pants, straighten my shoulders and lift my chin, and then I head back out to the street, doing my best to put confidence in my steps.

First things first: find Gavin and tell him I’ll be visiting Flint today. I’m not going to let Gavin avoid me again even if I have to sit myself outside his office for the rest of the day. Flint won’t be happy about my plan, but if it gets him to Jace I’m pretty sure he’ll get over it. And they need time to talk without me around anyway.

As I head toward Gavin’s office I catch sight of two familiar forms. One large and broad, with brownish hair, the other one smaller with darker hair. Harrison and Gavin. Finally. I break into a jog to catch up to them.

“Hey! Wait up!”

I run up behind them and they both turn to face me. Harrison crosses his arms over his chest and Gavin raises his eyebrows.

It’s Gavin I focus on. “You told me I could see Flint. I want to see him today. Now.”

“Okay,” says Gavin. “Holmes, please make the arrangements.”

My jaw drops. “That’s it? Why haven’t I been allowed to see him before now?”

Gavin’s eyes dart to the side and then back to meet mine. “This is the first time you’ve asked.”

“You haven’t exactly made yourself available. I’ve been trying to talk to you for days now.” I narrow my eyes.

He shrugs and one side of his mouth quirks up. “I’ve been rather busy. Running things and all, protecting everyone, you know, all sorts of paltry tasks like that. I can’t keep track of everything.”

I stare at him blankly and blink a few times before I glance at Harrison. He’s barely containing a laugh, his lips pressed tightly together with the effort. “Arrogant jerks. The both of you… but especially you.” I jam one finger into Gavin’s chest. “You knew I wanted to see Flint and you decided to play these stupid little mind games with me by avoiding me. What? Was it some sort of power play? Did you think it would give you the upper hand somehow? For that matter, did you think at all?” My hands curl into fists and irritation flows into anger. “This is important. You have no idea…” The heat clogs my throat and I can’t push any more words out.

Gavin’s knowing smile drops and his face softens. He reaches out to rest a hand on my arm, but I shake him off. His hand stays up for a moment before he drops it to his side. “I apologize. I thought I’d managed to assure you he wasn’t being mistreated. I didn’t realize it meant so much to you to see for yourself. I really have been quite busy… Holmes, take her to see him now,” Gavin says. Then he turns to me. “Please come to my office afterward. I think it’s time we discussed what you know.”

I lift my chin in acknowledgment. I’m damn sure not thanking him.

Gavin leaves, and to my surprise, Harrison speaks. “He wasn’t actively trying to avoid you or anything,” he says.

“Is that so?” This should be interesting.

Harrison rocks back on his heels. “Gavin isn’t used to the women around here having a mind of their own. Well, except for Emily of course, but even she isn’t quite as… outspoken as you are. He really thought you’d just show up in his office one day demanding to see your husband and—”

“Friend. Flint is my friend. That’s it. And I did show up at Gavin’s office. Multiple times. He was never there.”

“Friend? I thought you two were married or something.”

I fix a glare on him. “No. We’re not. The only reason we stood up for the Promising ceremony was because… oh never mind. I notice you didn’t say anything about the rest of my statement. He may not have been actively avoiding me, but he was avoiding me. Let’s go, Holmes.”

Harrison leads me in the opposite direction from the one I’m expecting. Instead of heading to the old hospital building, he leads me to one of the smaller dormitories, where two soldiers stand guard. They salute the large man beside me, and one makes a move as if he’s going to pat me down. I jerk backward out of his reach and Harrison says, “That’s not necessary. She’s been given special permission to be here.” The soldier backs down and gives another salute, and we step inside.

The hallway is clean and well lit, no hospital basement rat trap for Gavin’s prisoners. Well, prisoner. All the other makeshift cells we pass are empty.

“Slow week at the prison?”

Harrison shrugs. “Those that didn’t join, left. Haven’t really had a need for the place until now.”

“When you say ‘left’… do you mean Dane’s out there still in possession of a few of his sheep? How do you know he’s not going to storm this place or something? Did you guys secure his weapons? His vehicles? His—”

“Did you miss the big hole in the wall? He’s already tried. We held him off just fine.”

I stop walking and stare up at him in disbelief. “That was holding him off just fine? How many soldiers do you have? How many does Dane have left? Will you be able to sustain another attack like that one?”

He stares back at me. “You’re starting to sound like you’re fishing for information. Considering when you showed up and in whose company, that’s not a good thing. I’m okay with you, since Emily vouched for you, but if you start acting like a spy around someone else… you could end up in here too.”

I shut my mouth. The last thing I need is to be locked up. Not when I’m so close to getting us out of here.

Flint’s cell is at the end of the hall. Relief washes over his face when he sees me through the small window in the door, and he stands and walks across the room to place his hand against the door.

“I can go in, right?”

Harrison nods. “Only for a little while though.”

The second the door opens Flint pulls me inside and into a tight hug. “You’re okay.” He releases a long slow breath as if he’d been holding it the entire time we were separated. “I thought for sure…” He shudders and lowers his voice. “You didn’t use one of your little tricks, did you? They don’t know what you are, right?”

“No,” I say, but inwardly I cringe. My plan revolves around me being a valuable enough asset to get him released.

His gaze darts around the room. “I tried everything I could to protect you. I—”

“It’s okay. I’m fine. Emily came through and vouched for me. They aren’t going to do anything to me.” Laughing dark eyes flash through my mind. “Except maybe annoy me to death.”

“So what’s the plan then? How am I getting out of here?”

The hope on his face sends little splashes of guilt into my stomach. “I’m working on it. I don’t know how soon I can make it happen, but I’ll figure something out before the trial.” His mouth drops open and I rush to explain. “It’s not a big deal. Gavin said that he’d have to have some sort of trial for you and—”

“Who the hell is Gavin?”

“He’s the guy—“ I wince and my next words come out in a rush. “He’s the one at the wall who was kinda in charge.”

“And why in the world would you trust anything he says?” Flint yanks up the leg of the simple gray cotton pants he’s wearing, displaying the swollen mess that is his knee. “Does someone who has my best interests at heart do something like that?”

“Well…” My brain scrambles for the right words to explain, to make him understand, and the whole time his expression grows more and more incredulous.

Then he sends a verbal barb at me that cuts deep. “Tell me you’re not that dumb, Jax.”

This time my mouth drops along with my stomach. Any desire I had to help him understand flees, replaced with a sudden, blazing anger.

He hangs his head. “I didn’t mean that. It’s not—”

By the time I find my voice buried under the creeping heat, it comes out harsh but steady. “I’m not an idiot, and I am quite capable of assessing a situation and making decisions for myself.”

“I know that, I just—”

“No! I realize this situation isn’t ideal, but I understand where the guy is coming from, and he’s damn sure better than your father. I’m not asking you to trust him, just trust me.” I finish the sentence solely in my head: for once.

I’ve spent the entire past year with someone hovering over me almost every step of the way, second-guessing me, doubting me, worrying about my reactions, and generally being overprotective. Of course, it started with Jace, but somehow Flint got roped into it too. Between the two of them, every single decision I’ve made has been questioned in some way, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to doubt myself—and that’s a bad road to go down. I’m functioning. I’m whole. And despite all the crap working against me, I’ve been steadily improving.

My lips purse as I blow out a slow breath with my eyes closed. I swallow back the anger, the doubt, and everything else swirling inside me that’s attempting to freeze me in place.

“I’m sorry,” Flint says. I open my eyes and he meets them with his own. “I do trust you.” He massages the back of his neck with one hand. “It’s just when you say trial…”

“He’s not like your father. I’m sure even you can realize that much. Trial doesn’t mean execution. He said it’s just a formality at this point.” As the words leave my mouth, I realize I truly believe them. Yes, Gavin played me a bit, needled me, and both subtly and not so subtly interrogated me, but he couldn’t have faked the conviction in his words or the genuine outrage when he talked about Dane’s crimes. He might be irritating, but he has a good head on his shoulders. Besides, Emily the rebel is all for him and what he stands for.

“Don’t worry. I think I might know a way out of this,” I say, patting him on the shoulder.

Flint’s eyes narrow. “I think I’m worried about that look on your face. What are you planning?”

“You’ll see.”

I turn and knock on the door to signal to Harrison that I’m ready to come out. As soon as the door swings open, I pull my shoulders back and lift my chin. “Take me back to see Gavin,” I tell Harrison. “I have a way to solve your defense issue.”

Harrison lifts his brows when Flint wraps one hand around my upper arm and yanks me to the side, hissing into my ear.

“What do you think you’re doing? This is not the way to get anything done. If you tell them about”—his gaze darts to Harrison and he lowers his voice to a whisper—“what you are, they may never let you leave. Not to mention it’s dangerous! You don’t know what you’re doing and—”

I step out of his grip. “It’s the only way. Jace is in danger.” I answer the question in his eyes before he can ask it. “Because I saw it. Worse yet, I felt it. One of us needs to get back to him as soon as possible. I’d go myself, but I can’t leave you here. Let me do this.”

He presses his lips together and squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again, indecision and worry swirl together against the sky blue color. I understand how torn he is. I’m his friend, his family, and, as he sees it, his responsibility. But Jace is the one he loves, the one who’s the driving force behind his determination to protect me, the one he’s risked everything for.

He nods. As much as it breaks him to do it, the decision brightens his eyes. I see hope mixing in with the rest of the emotions churning there. Then he backs up to sit on the bed and rest his head in his hands.

Harrison glances back and forth between us, then shrugs and leads me out the door and back down the hallway.

 

 

 

When he sees me in the doorway, Gavin’s expression shifts from surprise to confusion. He probably wasn’t expecting me back quite so soon. He gives Harrison a questioning look. Harrison shrugs. Not much for talking, that one.

Bringing his focus back to me, Gavin says, “I take it you are no longer under the impression that your friend is being mistreated?”

I ignore the question. “I have a proposition for you,” I say. I stride across the room until I’m standing directly in front of his desk. “Let Flint go and you can have me.”

His eyes bug out and he rocks back in his chair. After a couple false starts, he finds his voice again. “As appealing as that might be”—his eyes flick downward and back up almost as quickly as a hint of redness creeps into his cheeks—“I don’t think that is something I can accept.”

Oh crap. The reason for his shocked expression rockets into my brain and warmth flows into my face. “That’s—that’s not what I meant. I’m not—you’re not—I don’t think—” Just shut up now. I slam my hand over my mouth and take a step back. My legs collide with the chair behind me and I plop down into it. Rather ungracefully, too.

His lips quirk up in amusement and he leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk with his chin in his hands. “Okay, now I’m curious. Please explain this proposition of yours that has gotten you so flustered.”

The heat of my embarrassment unbalances me. So does the now obvious flirtatious glint in his dark eyes. I’m in way over my head here. Any eloquence, confidence, or anything remotely resembling coherency gets shoved aside as I stammer out, “I’m half E’rikon and I have powers.”

Whatever he was expecting me to say, that was not it. All expression drops from his face and his wide-eyed gaze goes over my shoulder. He nods, and there’s the sound of the door closing and a lock clicking into place, then a scraping noise behind me as Harrison brings another chair across the room and sits down beside me.

Gavin reclines in his chair, crosses his arms over his chest, and stares at me. “Explain.” The cordial, easy-going boy is gone, replaced by the no-nonsense, hard-nosed man from outside the wall. The transformation has my head spinning for a moment.

I clear my throat and look over at Harrison. For help? For reassurance? Whatever it is, I don’t find it, and my gaze swings back to Gavin.

“It’s safe to speak in front of him. I’d trust him with my life,” says Gavin, misinterpreting what my sideways glance meant.

I’ve never actually sat down and explained this to anyone in detail, and now that I’m sitting here with two sets of eyes glued to me, I know why. This is intensely uncomfortable, and being the center of their attention has anxiety buzzing along my limbs.

I clear my throat again, not only trying to dispel the nervousness clogging it, but to give me time to gather my thoughts. “My mother was an E’rikon. She—”

“Impossible,” mutters Gavin. “They’ve only been around for a decade, and you’re certainly no child.”

At least his interruption is good for something. Irritation flows into my next words. “They’ve been settled here for a decade. They started arriving before the Collapse. A kind of site research.”

Gavin opens his mouth and takes a breath as if he’s about to speak, but then he lowers his chin and nods at me to continue.

“My grandmother was pregnant when she arrived with the research team. My mother was born here on Earth, met my father, and then died in childbirth with me and my brother. My father raised us alone at a secluded cabin about five miles outside the wall. He disappeared a few years ago, and then it was just me and Jace for a while until we moved to Bridgelake.”

I pause and release a long, slow breath past my lips. It’s this next part that’s going to be a little harder to explain. “When the E’rikon took Jace, they left one of their people behind. He helped me travel to the city and get inside and…” My voice trails off when my eyes start to burn.

Condensing Lir and everything that happened between us into just a couple of sentences feels wrong. I only spent a few weeks with him, and I only know those parts of him he wanted me to, but the connection we shared was special. Or was it? Doubt slithers in on a whisper in the back of my mind. Rym implied the bond could have formed simply from our physical proximity, and with Lir’s kitu disabled… No. It doesn’t matter. He was there when I needed him, and the connection was there to anchor me earlier. But that was the first time he accessed the connection since he broke the bond, or at least the first time since I saw him in person. He said he loved me and then he left me to fend for myself and…

Now is not the time to think about this. I dig my fingernails into my palms and push back the tears.

“The E’rikon took Jace because they’re under the impression that he—that we—are some sort of weapon they can use to their advantage.”

Gavin leans forward, his brow furrowed. “Their advantage for what?”

“A war. They call it the human initiative. I don’t know exactly what that means, but the first stage has already started.”

“Are you…?” Harrison says in a rumbling voice from beside me. “A weapon?”

Green blood and scales swim behind my eyelids, along with spinning knives and my fingers pressed to temples. “Yes,” I whisper. “I don’t want to be. But the things I can do… there’s really no other way to describe them. And I don’t even know the full extent of it yet.” I open my eyes and press my nails deeper into my palms. “My brother is in danger. Please. Let Flint go to him, help him, and you can use me against Dane. Whatever I can do, it’s yours.”

I bring my still burning eyes up to meet Gavin’s. I expect greed. I expect triumph. But pity? Concern?

“Holmes, go fetch… something. Go fetch something,” he stammers.

“Yes, sir.” Harrison stands and exits the room.

As soon as the door shuts, Gavin rises and walks around the desk to sit in the chair next to mine. I’m watching my fingers twist together in my lap when his softened voice pulls my attention to his face. “My superiors would cry treason and call me a traitor to the human race, but I don’t think your offer is one I can accept. Not when this is what it does to you. I’d be grateful for your help, and I would love it if you’d share your knowledge, but it’s not in me to force you to do anything.” He shakes his head and sighs, his shoulders slumping. “They’ll be here any day now, and they can’t find you here, not if you ever want to live a… normal life. I’ll order Flint’s release. You may go.”

“But…”

“I will not be the one to force you to do something that will leave you with more guilt and pain than you already have. I’ve been watching…” When his eyes meet mine, there’s a fire there, a blinding pain. “I am not proud of some of the things I’ve done, but I’ve done what’s needed. Bringing order is not something that can be done completely without bloodshed. Holmes and Larson—they’re my best friends, my only friends, and even they don’t know how it eats at me. The killing. The death. But you… you can see it, can’t you? You know how it feels to have blood on your hands. Because I can see it in you.”

My annoyance and my irritation with him thaw, and the warmth of camaraderie fills me. I don’t know the person in front of me now. He’s not the guy from the wall, he’s not the laughing flirt, and he’s not… he’s not looking at me anymore. He’s staring down at his hands with a blank look. They’re clean, his nails short and shiny. Not a speck of dirt. But he’s right. I do know how it feels to have blood on your hands… and it never seems to really come off.

But I’ve had a wise old priest to help me, his chattering words drowning out the pain, washing me clean again. I didn’t listen then, but now Peter’s words have meaning, and they leak from my lips as if they’ve been waiting there for just this moment. “The first step to making peace with it is forgiving yourself.”

Dark eyes filled with regrets and guilt finally rise to meet mine. “Have you forgiven yourself?”

I can’t hold his gaze and I can’t lie. “No,” I say.

A sardonic chuckle. “Well, aren’t we the pair then.” He tilts his head to the side and slides his hands over mine where they are resting in my lap, giving them an understanding squeeze. He opens his mouth, but before he can say anything more, a screeching, ripping, roaring pain slams through my head.

It is everything. Fear and pain and anger and despair scatter through my mind, stabbing into my body from my head to my toes. It’s a cry for help, a battle cry, and a cry of pain all mixed into one.

It is Jace.