Abusive Letters

I'm probably the only person I know who doesn't mind receiving anonymous letters – at least I don't have to reply to the damn things. My first came some years ago; it accused me of funding the IRA, and he/she (but I think he) said they would kill me, ‘at the theatre, in front of your family and friends’. My children urged me to go to the police with it, but quite honestly I was not shaking in my shoes – there was something about the handwriting and the phrasing that told me the writer of the letter could hardly hold a Biro straight, let alone aim a Kalashnikov rifle accurately.

I have another regular, anonymous correspondent whose envelopes are so covered in mad scribbling and crazed insults that a couple of them have been intercepted by the Post Office and subsequently handed over to the police. This person accuses me of being heavily involved in council and police corruption. Apparently, I have several Leicester City councillors in my power and I spend my nights at the council offices, ‘smoking your foul cigarettes, and plotting your next move’. If only one could smoke in the council offices. The days of the smoke-filled room are long gone, unfortunately.

Last week's anonymous letter consisted of two pages written in red ink; it accused me of being the spurned lover of the Prince of Wales! She started the letter: ‘Just to say, Sue, you are a BITCH!’ There were a few more abusive paragraphs, then this: ‘I am certain that you are one of Prince Charles's cast-off lovers.’ This woman objected to some critical remarks I'd made about Princess Diana.

She went on to write, ‘Just try to be a woman for once in your life, just pretend to be a woman and imagine how a woman would feel when she had been badly treated by a man.’ She signed the letter, ‘A Daily Mail reader’.

Here's my reply.

Dear Daily Mail reader,

Thank you for your anonymous letter. You are entirely wrong in your supposition that I am the spurned and jealous ex-lover of Prince Charles. I couldn't fancy a man who habitually wears a blazer. Men in blazers remind me of crooked insurance salesmen. I also dislike those slip-on patent slippers Prince Charles wears to evening functions. I like my men to wear chunky shoes.

I realize that, so far, my refutation of your wild premiss is based entirely on what may seem to you to be frivolous, sartorial grounds, but these things are important to me. I once fell instantly out of love with a man because he returned from the barber's with his hair cut too short.

You ask me to imagine what it is like to be badly treated by a man. Excuse me while I larf. I am fifty next year. I went out with my first boy/man when I was fourteen. I don't need to imagine what it is like to be badly treated by a man. I gave up acting at sixteen because a man said I looked ‘bloody stupid' on stage. I tried to hide my profile for years because another man chucked me and gave as his reason, ‘your nose is too big’. I could go on, but I won't. There are too many instances of similar male cruelties.

Believe me, I have every sympathy with Princess Diana's marital dilemma. There may well have been four people in her marriage, but the fourth person was not me. I have been far too busy with my family and my work to indulge myself in a royal romance, and, anyway, what makes you think Charles would be attracted to me? I'm scared of horses and would be hopeless on the moors, shooting at birds and small animals. Finally, I have never laughed at The Goon Show. I would leave the room instantly if Charles started doing his infamous Goon impressions. I'm a Jack Dee woman.

Have I succeeded in convincing you that Prince Charles and I have not had a torrid affair? I hope so. I also hope that you have not blabbed your mad suspicions to your neighbours and friends, or to the stationer where you buy your horrible red pens.

I must warn you, Daily Mail reader, that, should it come to my attention that you have been publicly linking Charles and myself, I will set several Leicester City councillors (whom I have in my power) on to you. You have been warned.

Yours sincerely,
Sue Townsend

(Marxism Today and Daily Telegraph reader)