Scientific Studies Are Silly

I have been sceptical about scientific reports ever since I read that Australian scientists had found that apples were bad for children's teeth. Being as I had spent years forcing Granny Smiths and Discoveries down my children's throats in the belief that an apple a day would keep them from harm of all kinds – vitamin deficiency, constipation and, yes, dental caries – I think I was entitled to feel more than a little disgruntled with the boffins.

A few years ago I was told that I was in urgent need of vitamin B6; I now read that B6 is as dodgy as an Arthur Daley cutlery set, and about as good for you if swallowed. Where are we now in regard to the efficacy of margarine? I've lost track. Is it good for you or not? Does it clog the arteries or doesn't it? Is eating a lightly boiled egg as risky as abseiling from the top of the Empire State Building? Is British beef safe to eat, or is ingesting a T-bone steak an act of foolhardy recklessness equivalent to throwing yourself over Niagara Falls in a leaking barrel?

A long scientific study has reported that dolphins are highly intelligent creatures that, if given the chance, would spend their time reading The London Review of Books, listening to Wagner and discussing the Turner Prize on Late Night Line Up. Again, I don't trust the white coats on this one. As far as I know, the height of dolphinkind's achievements are in a dolphinarium, where they are applauded for jumping out of a pool to snatch a fish from the hand of a blonde in a wetsuit. And if they're so clever, how come they keep getting caught in those Japanese nets? Why don't they swim the other way? Have they got highly developed communication skills or haven't they?

But the latest report I read has drained my sceptic storage tank dry. It said, ‘Scientists have discovered that giraffes, previously thought to be dumb, can communicate. Some use regional accents.’

I am a great admirer of giraffes. My first glimpse of male genitalia came courtesy of Barry, a stuffed giraffe that stood at the top of a flight of mahogany stairs in a Leicester museum. Barry was a hard act to follow. Generations of Leicester men have been traumatized by Barry's generous endowments and it put quite a few Leicester women off men, I can tell you.

I do not like zoos of any kind. They are prisons for animals, heartbreak hotels for the furred and feathered. However, I have captives of my own: four goldfish that live a life of indolent luxury. They spend their days in a huge hexagonal tank with Japanese-influenced interior decoration. They enjoy gravel, a bamboo art work and an artfully placed log. Their water is filtered and they are beautifully lit from above by a fetching violet light. They are fed on the finest fish flakes, but do they look happy? No, they do not. They look reproachfully at me through the walls of the tank. I can't decide if they are pining for the freedom of the China Sea or just gormlessly waiting for more fish flakes.

Lobster is definitely off my menu after reading an extract from The Shellfish Network Newsletter. Dr Loren G. Horsely, invertebrate zoologist, informs shellfish aficionados that:

Lobsters have a sophisticated nervous system, and feel pain when cut or cooked
Lobsters carry their young for nine months and have a long childhood and awkward adolescence
Some lobsters are right-handed, and some are left
They have been seen walking hand in hand, the old leading the young

I do hope that a huddle of white coats are not studying others in the crustacean family. I do not want to know that:

Prawns celebrate birthdays
Prawns go through a kind of marriage service
Prawns sing to their young
Crabs very much enjoy formation dancing
Crabs die of a broken heart if their spouse commits adultery

I hate the anthropomorphism of animals. Why do we feel the need to project our own human vileness on to the savage creatures we share the world with? I asked a few giraffes of my acquaintance for their opinions on human beings.

Mr Neck of Twycross said, ‘Well m'duck, humans are nowt but trouble, they're either chuckin' doughnuts at you or staring at your private parts.’

Mr Longlegs of Windsor Safari Park drawled, ‘Actually, one is frightfully amused by the humans that come to gawk at one through the steamed-up windows of their horrid little cars.’

Ms G. McRaff of Glasgow Zoo paused from tearing leaves from a tall tree to say, ‘Och! I dinna gi' a toss about humans, it's just scientists I canna' stand.’