Dr Strudel Questions Mrs Townsend
I forgot the alphabet the other day. I sat at my desk (ex-kitchen table) and struggled to remember which letter came after G. I started again at A, but stalled again at G. I closed my eyes and concentrated very hard indeed, but G's right-hand neighbour continued to elude me. I then sang the alphabet, something I haven't done since infant school, but the damned letter refused to leave the dark recesses of my brain. Eventually, though, H sidled out with its hands up, saying, ‘OK, you've found me, it's a fair cop.’
Should I book myself into a daycare centre soon? I believe that before they let you in they make you sit a sort of test.
The first question they ask is usually, ‘Do you know what day it is today?’
Now, I pride myself on being quite sharp and agile-brained about those interesting, dramatic days – Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday – but I confess to frequently confusing the more prosaic, dull days in the middle of the week; Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday lack the energy, the excitement, of the Weekend Four. I can't imagine a bloody revolution being planned for a Wednesday. And whoever staged a coup d'état on a Thursday? As for Tuesday, it's a snivelling, apologetic, whining kind of day. It begs to be forgotten.
So, if I'm questioned in the middle of the week, I may fail the day test.
Another question is: ‘Who is the Prime Minister?’
I'm very confident about naming the leader of our nation – it's Peter Mandelson. The Prime Minister is Tony Blair, and another thing I know for sure is that he is married to a smiling woman called Cherie Blair, who seems to have lost the power of speech.
Mrs Blair should not be confused with Ms Cherie Booth, who is an articulate barrister.
Other diagnostic tests for cognitive functioning consist of simple mental arithmetic questions. I would fail these without doubt.
An observer wrote the following:
The questioner, Dr Strudel, asked in a kindly manner: ‘Mrs Townsend, what is two plus two plus two?’
Mrs Townsend didn't appear to understand the question. She asked for it to be repeated.
Dr Strudel carefully rephrased the question, asking, ‘Mrs Townsend, what is three times two?’
Mrs Townsend repeated the question to herself, her lips moving as she did so. She shook her head and became visibly agitated. Her neck and chest became bathed in perspiration.
Mrs Townsend made several attempts to count up to six, but each time she lost track of how many fingers she had counted, and had to go back to a thumb and start again.
Eventually, Dr Strudel said, with a hint of pity, ‘We'll forget the sums, shall we?’
Mrs Townsend wiped her palms and said, I can't do sums under test conditions, but I'm very good at capital cities of South American countries.’ Dr Strudel shook his head sadly and continued to ask the questions attached to his clipboard.
DR STRUDEL: How many kettles have you left on the hob in the past month, Mrs Townsend?
MRS TOWNSEND [angrily]: Who's been talking?
DR STRUDEL: How many kettles?
MRS TOWNSEND: Four! Is it a crime? None of them burned out!
DR STRUDEL: Do you have an umbrella?
MRS TOWNSEND: No, I think I left it in British Home Stores.
DR STRUDEL: Are you absent-minded?
MRS TOWNSEND: I can't remember. But if you want to know the capital of Guatemala…
DR STRUDEL: What's my name, Mrs Townsend?
MRS TOWNSEND: Er, I'm bad on names, but give me a minute. It's something to do with apples… Er, Dr Crumble?
DR STRUDEL: No. Not Crumble.
MRS TOWNSEND: Dr Pippin?
DR STRUDEL: No.
MRS TOWNSEND: Dr Cox!
DR STRUDEL: No!
MRS TOWNSEND: Dr Pie? Dr Peel? Dr Braeburn? [Suddenly standing up] I've got to go.
The observer writes:
As she ran from the interview room, Mrs Townsend shouted, ‘I've got to go home! I've just remembered I've left the kettle on the hob!’
DR STRUDEL [Shouting]: I would like you to make another appointment.
I pointed out to Dr Strudel that Mrs Townsend would have to return as she had forgotten to take her handbag, her coat and her purse.
A nurse later reported having seen a woman without a coat walking in the rain, muttering the names of South American capital cities to herself. This woman is believed to be Mrs Townsend.