The List
I've been asked recently to contribute to a book of advice for young people. I felt like writing to the organizers and advising them that young people don't read advice books – they think they know everything there is to know in the world. They also think that anybody giving advice is, by definition, not worth listening to. But who can resist giving people of any age the benefit of our experience and wisdom? Not me, so here goes. These are not in any order of importance, as will become obvious.
- Only wear white socks if you are playing tennis.
- Be aware that ‘coffee' is a codeword for sexual intercourse.
- If you call your daughter Victoria or Samantha, she will grow up to call herself Vic or Sam.
- All young women should own a Swiss army knife the one with the screwdriver, tweezers, nail file, can-opener and corkscrew. It should be kept in their handbag at all times.
- All young men should own a Swiss army knife, but they should not take it out of the house or they will be arrested for possessing an offensive weapon.
- Stop drinking alcohol the moment you are unable to pronounce the word ‘succinct’.
- If you enjoy doing everything in the most difficult way possible – whether it's working, studying, socializing or travelling – get pregnant by an unreliable youth and have his baby.
- Read for at least an hour every day.
- Remember that all governments tell lies.
- Women should carry a pair of flat, black lightweight sandals in their bag at all times.
- Save up (even if it takes you two years) and buy a simple, black V-neck cashmere sweater. It weighs practically nothing, it's not bulky, it's warm and it will withstand neglect and abuse.
- Do not buy expensive jewellery. Somebody will only take it away from you.
- When travelling, always buy a local newspaper (even if you can't read the language). You can sit or lie on it. You can use it as a plate. You can use it as toilet paper. You can shelter under it and keep your head dry. You can roll it up and swat insects with it. You can hide behind it. The uses are endless.
- Bear in mind that the fire brigade has been busier since it became more fashionable to bathe by candlelight.
- Use a shoulder bag or rucksack that is big enough to carry 51b of potatoes home.
- Eat a raw onion and raw garlic every day if you are tired of being pestered by men.
- Before going abroad, have ten one-dollar bills sewn inside each of your bras. This will be enough to enable you to eat, drink and telephone the British Embassy to tell them about the theft or loss of your money, passport, credit cards and plane tickets.
- If, at seventeen years of age, you have a little monkey tattooed on your belly, stop to consider that, by the time you are thirty-one and nine months pregnant, the little monkey will have stretched to look like King Kong: not a pleasant sight for the midwife.
- Nose studs always leave a hole in the nose, ask my daughter, Victoria.
- Wear thong-type knickers when wearing trousers.
- Ask questions. And talk to strangers.
- Always choose an aisle seat on aeroplanes.
- Try to get part-time work as a waiter or waitress. You will learn several invaluable things: how to deal with drunks, the secrets of the professional kitchen, and how to behave in restaurants.
- If your parents complain about the vileness and untidiness of your room, buy a padlock and keep the key on your person.
- Never shave your eyebrows off. They will grow back in laughably eccentric shapes.
- If your boyfriend thinks that Valentine's Day is a conspiracy led by florists and card companies, ditch him immediately. (He's probably right, but ditch the miserable git anyway.)
- Remember that the average can of pop contains six spoonfuls of sugar.
- Don't believe the shop assistant when she tells you that you look ‘amazing’ in the sludge-green tent dress you tried on for a laugh. She is just really desperate to reach that month's sales quota.
- Never choose a fixed set of Lottery numbers.
- Never read advice columns. They are inevitably written by middle-aged women with a grievance against the young.